Transcript
Kirk Martin (0:00)
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
Natasha (0:02)
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Kirk Martin (1:20)
So how can you help your kids be responsible for their own behavior and choices? How can you encourage your kids to fail and bounce back? Well, what about stopping feelings of entitlement and teaching kids of all ages resilience? Want to stop being the referee between the siblings? Good. I want to show you how in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com this episode of the podcast is dedicated to Natasha. She's a really good mom who found us on Instagram about two months ago and just emailed us this. She said, I've been taking the Summer Challenge to focus a hundred percent on controlling and changing myself. Going through the 30 days to calm and Straight Talk for Moms programs has been eye opening because I hadn't realized just how much I try to manage everybody else's emotions and how I try to keep everyone in our home happy and at family get togethers. I'm always trying trying to make sure everything goes well and now I know why I have been so exhausted all the time and why my kids must have been so frustrated. The good news is that two of my kids have actually said lately, I like being around this new mom, can you keep doing this? And the mom Natasha said, look, it makes me laugh and it makes me cry at the same time, but I wanted to write and encourage other parents that you really will change your family by changing yourself first. Look, I am super proud of all the moms and dads who have embraced this goal. I have so much respect for you and I want you to know because a lot of like, Natasha wrote here of like, oh, it kind of made me sad and she have these regrets of like, oh, I did it wrong for so long. Look, there's no blame or no guilt. And here's the really cool thing. Your kids now watch you change right in front of them. They're watching you transform yourself. There are no lectures necessary. That is the greatest lecture you could possibly give your kids. Look, Casey watched me right in front of him go from this kind of angry, sometimes out of control, authoritarian dad my way or the highway approach to the calm dad who could control himself. He watched me wrestle with issues and struggle with it and change. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing. Look, I could end this podcast right there and just say, my goal for you is this is to become a new person and have your kids watch you because it is humbling and at times humiliating. I know as a guy, for me to admit of like, my way wasn't always the right way and I was a grown man who couldn't control himself. So super proud of all of you. So much respect for you for doing this. And look, you guys know this. You have to control your own anxiety, control issues, perfectionism, your need for your kids to always succeed. And you've got to do that by stepping back. See, when you step back, you know our phrase, when we step back as parents, it gives our kids space to, to step up and be responsible for themselves. When we step back from micromanaging, from lecturing our kids, it gives them space to step up and be responsible for themselves in ways that may make you uncomfortable or even irritate you. But ultimately you're going to love this. So look, if you don't step back, you handicap your kids because you end up being responsible for their behavior. And they never learn to develop the internal resources to deal with their struggles and failures because you're always jumping in and they never receive the deep internal satisfaction it results from overcoming struggles. So here are 10 statements, 10 affirmations that I'd like you to internalize. And these are affirmations. You can say to yourself, some of these things you can verbalize even to your kids. Just pull the relevant part parts out of it. But I mainly want you to internalize these truths. Number one, I respect you enough kids to Allow you to fail and learn from it. See, one reason that your kids resist your pressure is that they want to own their choices and their successes. They want to own their failures. They want to do it themselves. They want to figure it out. They want to touch the hot stove. That's how they learn. See, if your kids succeed in a certain area because you pushed and pressured, then you are responsible for their success, and you own that they didn't do it. So what do I want you to do differently? One, Control yourself instead of your kids. Look, our intentions are usually goodness, respect. But sometimes we need. Sometimes. Watch this. Sometimes you may need to feel needed. And we have control issues, and we have too much anxiety and not enough patience and faith in our kids. And they feel that, and so they resist. So, number two, I want you to give your kids space to own their choices. They need to try and fail themselves. They need to work through struggles, disappointment, frustration. They need to try things in different ways, even though you know the right answer and it would be easier if they would just listen to you and do it your way. But see, I want them to struggle. I want you to normalize imperfection. I want you to talk around the dinner table about something you did at the office, in your work that didn't work right and you failed at doing because it's a normal part of life. And instead of talking all the time about, oh, these are all the great things you do, I want you to actually celebrate the fact of, like, hey, I admire you. You tried something new. You tried something difficult, and that takes courage. What did you learn from it? Model that in your home. It's a really cool thing when. When you can encourage them and say, like, man, I admire your persistence. Keep working at it. I know you can do it. And then walk away and get busy with your own life instead of always being kind of all over them, micromanaging them. It's really cool what will happen when you give them some space to work on things themselves. Man, it's a beautiful thing. Number two, look, this is for sibling issues. And when your kids get slightly older, hey, guys. I respect you enough to allow you two to work out your issues without me having to separate you and send you to your rooms. I respect you guys enough to believe that you're capable of handling this conflict without me having to handle it for you. I love that phrase. I love the phrase, I believe you're capable anyway. But in this situation, look, I would begin using that with little kids, even when they're 4 and 5, even if they're not capable. Yet. You're sending the message that your expectation is that they will learn how to do it themselves. Hey, little guys. I respect you enough to believe you'd figure this out yourself, right? The kids come tattling on each other. Look, I've got two options here. I can come down hard on the one who tattled because that's not a great thing to do, another one who did the other thing, or I can turn it over to you and put it in your court and trust that you two are capable of figuring this out yourselves. And another choice is. Look, I come and be the dictator and control everything. See, I respect you so much that I expect you to grow up and learn how to control yourself instead of reacting to your sibling every time. See, if you can't learn how to control yourselves, then I'll need to step in like a dictator and control you all the time and treat you like little children. See, that's your choice. But I have higher expectations of you. So one of the reasons I want you in the get everything package is Casey's program, Straight Talk for Kids. He teaches your kids this principle. When you learn how to control yourself, then your parents won't have to. And it gives kids ultimate freedom.