Calm Parenting Podcast with Kirk Martin

Episode #549: How To Stop Reacting, Help Kids with Anxiety/PDA/ADHD & Partner With Teachers
Date: January 1, 2026

Episode Overview

In this practical, heartfelt episode, Kirk Martin explores how parents and teachers can more effectively support kids with anxiety, ADHD, and strong-willed tendencies (including Pathological Demand Avoidance/PDA). Emphasizing real-life strategies and scripts, Kirk guides listeners on how to shift from reactive to proactive approaches, build positive partnerships with teachers, and empower children with the tools and confidence to succeed. With characteristic humor and honesty, Kirk also shares personal stories, reflections, and a transformative letter from a teacher, making the episode both relatable and actionable for parents and educators navigating behavioral challenges.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Partnering with Teachers: Building a Team Mindset

• Opening Script for Teachers: Kirk suggests starting the new year by sending teachers a supportive, collaborative note.
  • Sample Language:
    "[We] always wanted teachers to know we weren’t expecting them to do miracles, and we were doing our part at home." (06:10)
• Tips for Communicating with Teachers:
  • Acknowledge the teacher’s challenges with a class after breaks.
  • Share what’s working for your child and what isn’t (e.g., consequences and behavior charts may backfire).
  • Suggest small, positive changes to try for a trial period, inviting feedback.
  • Give teachers specific ideas for connecting (“Ask about their dog Max, their cheer competition, or favorite movie”) (08:18).
  • "As soon as I would connect personally, you could feel the kids exhale and relax a bit." (09:54)

2. Giving Kids Tools and ‘Missions’

• Find Tasks that Start the Day with Success:
  • Encourage teachers to give your child a ‘mission’ or small job. For example:
    "Could you come a few minutes early and help stack books?" (11:05)
  • Assign creative or ‘grown-up’ responsibilities—e.g., help a new student, assist younger kids, or tackle special projects in class.
• Managing Boredom with Challenges:
  • Provide extra-challenging worksheets or tasks to keep bright, easily bored kids engaged. "Bet you can’t do X." (12:37)
• Hands-on Learning:
  • Use LEGO, clay, or tactile projects to channel energy and passions in academic subjects. (24:00)

3. Transformational Story: From ‘My Way or the Highway’ to Connection

• Kirk reads an email from a teacher (“Mrs. Z”) who changed her rigid discipline style after exploring her own childhood experiences and listening to Kirk’s programs. (13:15)

  “In listening, I discovered the root of my own rigidity was my childhood experience with my own dad... now I can give all these kids the patience and tools I was never given.” – Mrs. Z (14:15)

• Mrs. Z’s New Strategies:
  • Break up class with 3-minute “Simon Says” sensory breaks. "Simon says: squeeze your elbows as tightly as you can." (16:52)
  • Provide sensory tools (like squishy balls) for anxious or tactile learners.
  • Assign hands-on creative projects tied to curriculum (e.g., modeling Roman buildings from clay or LEGOs). "His face lit up, and he put so much effort into this project." (22:50)
  • Recognize progress, not perfection:
    • “Not everything is better... but he's smiling more, he's engaged, he feels better about himself, and we've made a lot of progress. He knows I believe in him.” – Mrs. Z (23:55)

4. Shifting the Parenting Mindset: Control Yourself, Not Your Child

• Kirk shares personal reflections about his own controlling tendencies stemming from childhood. (26:30)

  “Do you know how humbling it is... to realize after years of subtly blaming your own child for being difficult, that you are in fact the one who needs to change?” – Kirk (27:10)

• Practical Exercise:
  • Choose one parenting ‘trigger’ to work on for the week.
  • When you want to react, sit down instead—physically changing your posture helps change your tone and energy. "It's almost impossible to yell while you're sitting." (30:24)
• Building New Habits:
  • Replace reactive comments with compliments or questions.
  • Physically role-play these scenarios in advance.

5. Proactive vs. Reactive Discipline

• Proactive Examples:
  • Anticipate transitions and challenges (e.g., anxiety before school).
  • Prepare children with tools and routines ahead of stressful moments.
  • Provide opportunities for movement or helpful jobs before they get restless or anxious. (41:00)
• Reactive Examples:
  • Waiting for misbehavior, then punishing. This approach rarely works with strong-willed kids.

6. Supporting Kids with Anxiety

• Normalize Their Experience:
  • Validate their feelings with honesty and empathy.

    “Of course your stomach is a little upset... It's really hard going back into an environment that you're not always excited about.” – Kirk (42:11)

  • Avoid clichés (“It’s no big deal”), and instead describe what will likely happen (initial discomfort, then gradual improvement).
• Counter Anxiety with Control:
  • Give your child a small, concrete way to feel in control—like a mission or fun morning tradition on the first day back. "Anxiety is caused by unknowns. You counter the unknowns by giving kids something they feel in control of." (44:12)

7. Affirmation Tactics for Strong-Willed, PDA, and Anxious Kids

• Short, Factual Praise:
  • Deliver praise as a low-key statement of fact, then move on. Avoid big emotional praise which may feel like pressure. "Hey, really respect how you handled that situation with your sister." (47:04) "Hey, good effort trying to do something really difficult."
• The ‘I Spy’ Affirmation Game:
  • Make positive observations fun and playful at meals or in the car. “I spy a girl in a blue shirt who’s amazing at building and tinkering with things…” (48:30)
  • Keep it light and humorous, especially with older kids (“I spy a teenager in the same hoodie sweatshirt he’s worn for 18 straight days…”).

8. Embracing Imperfection and Modeling Growth

• Honesty About Mistakes:
  • Kirk encourages parents not to fear showing vulnerability and growth to their children. Kids already know parents’ patterns and can learn from seeing positive change.

    “When you're changing, you're actually modeling for them the traits you want them to ultimately exhibit. Honesty, humility, owning your choices, messing up, apologizing, working really hard…” – Kirk (51:10)

9. Celebrating Progress for All

• Encourage small wins for both kids and parents—celebrating effort, not perfection, and giving yourself credit for trying new strategies.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I realized that while my dad had cut me out of any financial inheritance when he died, he had bequeathed to me his controlling nature.”
  – Kirk, reflecting on generational patterns (27:45)
• "It's almost impossible to yell while you're sitting."
  – Kirk, on practical calming techniques (30:24)
• “If you have our programs, just email Casey and he'll handle the details so you can use their natural passions and talents to teach them new skills.”
  – Kirk, offering practical support for parents and teachers (21:12)
• “You plant lots of little seeds, but you don’t draw a lot of attention.”
  – Kirk, describing the right way to affirm kids who resist praise (47:38)
• “Remember, connection is always primary... This has nothing to do with letting your kids get away with things and run all over... But I also don’t have to be authoritarian and rigid.”
  – Kirk, on balancing discipline and connection (50:08)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 07:30: How to write an effective note to teachers
• 11:05: Assigning ‘missions’ to kids to create wins in the classroom
• 13:15: Mrs. Z’s letter: A teacher’s transformation
• 16:52: Simon Says and sensory breaks in class
• 22:50: Max and the Roman building project
• 26:30: Kirk’s reflections on controlling parenting
• 30:24: The “sit down” technique to stop yelling
• 41:00: Proactive vs. reactive discipline
• 42:11: Scripts for normalizing anxiety before school return
• 44:12: Countering anxiety with control via small missions
• 47:04: Affirmation statements that work
• 48:30: The “I Spy” affirmation game
• 50:08: The primacy of connection, not control
• 51:10: Modeling honesty and growth for your kids

Conclusion

Kirk Martin’s episode delivers a toolkit of easy-to-adopt strategies, honest self-reflection, and real stories that will resonate with any parent or educator working with strong-willed, anxious, or uniquely wired kids. Through practical advice, empathetic scripts, and a focus on connection, listeners are encouraged to approach the new year by making small, meaningful progress—both for their kids and themselves.

For additional support or to access Kirk’s resources, visit CelebrateCalm.com.