Transcript
Kirk Martin (0:00)
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
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Kirk Martin (1:20)
Okay, so I want to teach you how to yell at your kids appropriately. And some of you are like, yeah.
Casey (1:28)
That'S what I've been waiting for.
Kirk Martin (1:29)
Well, you know, I'm not going to advocate yelling at your kids because when you're yelling you're usually out of control and you'll say, I know, but the only time my kids listen to me is when I yell at them. Well, that's probably because it's the only time they get the intensity. And kids like intensity. And you need to give them positive intensity, right? And you need to give them tools to succeed rather than just punishing them for failure and yelling at them. So I'm going to give you examples in this podcast for a toddler, for younger kids, for a teenager, how to get them to do what you want to do, how to discipline, and how to kind of yell at them without actually yelling. So that's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecom.com if you need help. Email us. Email Casey C A s e y celebratecolm.com it's our son, very strong will kid. Most of these lessons come from interactions with him and about 1500 kids we had in our home. So tell us about your family ages of the Kids, we get together as a family, we talk about it, we reply back, and we reply back pretty quickly because we take this very seriously. So here's, Let me give you a few examples. So with a toddler, one, why are you yelling at a toddler right there? Four, right? Like I get it, I get how frustrating it is, but I don't want to yell like at a 3 year old or a 4 or 5 year old or a 7 year old or 17. Just doesn't work. So let's, you know, simple things like they just, you know, they're having a tantrum because they wanted the fruit snacks or they want something and you're a good parent, you're like, no, can't have it. And so they, they start melting down. What happens is we tend to get personal, we start to explain, right? You don't need to explain things. You can't convince your child that you're right. They're never, no matter what age, they're not going to be like, oh, mom, dad, listen, now that you lectured me for like eight minutes and yelled at me, now I understand that you are filled with wisdom and I was wrong. Like that's never going to happen, right? So I say my no. They have their little meltdown. I'm fine. Even Tone says I'm in control of myself. The best way to get through to your kids is not to react to them. We think, well, I've got to raise my voice. And when I start yelling, what your kids eventually learn is they'll just keep pushing your buttons and you'll yell even more and then you'll get worked up. And you know what else you do and what I did? You make it personal. And that's what messes up the relationship and escalates because we get personal, right? To the toddler. You know what? Why can't you ever listen to me? Why can't you just be satisfied with what I gave you? Why do you always have to ask me over and over and over again when I was a kid, who cares about all that stuff, right? So I said no. And they keep going. I have no problem with saying, look, I get it. You're disappointed because I got fruit snacks and they taste really good and you want them, but I'm not going to give them to you. So you're disappointed and you get upset and so you start screaming and yelling, especially if we're in public, because you want to try to embarrass me. So I give in. Just not going to happen. Just not going to happen. It's just not the way I roll, right? Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change or determine my behavior. That is golden right there. If you can internalize that. That's part of why I want people listening to the complete programs that we have. Because there are dozens and dozens of insights like that, that when you make it part of you, then you don't have to worry, well, what do I do in this situation? It just becomes who you are and how you roll with this and you stop reacting to everything. And now I can actually teach my son and say, look, we're doing the opposite thing here. So every time you ask me, demand, ask, complain, yell at me, threaten me, right, to get the fruit snacks, it will be one more hour or one more day until you get the fruit snacks. So it's going to work against you, right? But if you could exercise some self control, deal with the disappointment, because I know that you can, you're more likely to get those fruit snacks at some point, right? So I don't have, I just don't give in. I just don't change. But I don't have to yell, right? I can remove a toddler, right? But what I'd like to do mostly with toddlers is get them really busy. Hey, you know what? I frustrated. Listen, this is what I could use some help with. Or I always like this one with Casey. I'd say, look, don't tell mom because as soon as I said that, he was like, oh, we're doing something bad we shouldn't do. And it wasn't bad. I was just giving him a little challenge or a little mission to do that he thought was fun. And I got his little brain focused on that. But there was no need to yell about that. Here's one I've been thinking about a lot lately and telling people about because it's funny. It's like the, you know, it's like the 9 year old, 7 year old, 11 year old who sneaks their iPad into their bed at night. Well, it's obviously against the rules of your home. You don't take the iPad, all your electronics are turned in at a certain time and he does it. And what do we do? You know what, I can't, you know, I can't believe. What were you thinking? You know, you can't have your iPad in bed. How many times we told you that? And yet you still do it. And look, I used to go on and on because of my anxiety. I was projecting into the future. If this kid can't Follow simple directions. And I would say things like that. If you can't follow simple directions, how are you ever going to be successful in life?