How to “Yell” Appropriately At Toddlers, Teens & In Between

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: How to “Yell” Appropriately At Toddlers, Teens & In Between

Episode Release Date: October 2, 2022
Host: Kirk Martin, Founder of Celebrate Calm

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Introduction

In the episode titled "How to 'Yell' Appropriately At Toddlers, Teens & In Between," Kirk Martin delves into effective strategies for parents dealing with strong-willed children. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging kids, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk offers pragmatic advice on managing power struggles, reducing yelling, and fostering cooperation without losing control.

Understanding the Role of Yelling

Kirk opens the discussion by addressing a common dilemma among parents: the perceived necessity of yelling to gain a child’s attention and compliance. He acknowledges that while some parents believe yelling is the only way to be heard, this approach often stems from frustration and lack of control. Instead of advocating for outright yelling, Kirk emphasizes the importance of "positive intensity"—maintaining a firm and calm stance that commands respect without escalating conflicts.

"Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change or determine my behavior."
— Kirk Martin [01:55]

Strategies for Dealing with Toddlers

When addressing toddlers, Kirk highlights that emotional meltdowns are common, especially when parents impose boundaries, such as denying snacks. Rather than reacting emotionally or making personal attacks, he suggests maintaining composure and focusing on clear, consistent rules.

• Set Clear Boundaries: Clearly state the rules without over-explaining. For example, if a toddler demands fruit snacks, simply say, "No, you can't have fruit snacks right now."
• Avoid Personalizing Rejections: Instead of saying, "Why can't you ever listen to me?" opt for understanding phrases like, "I know you're disappointed because you wanted the fruit snacks, but I can't give them to you right now."

"I said no. They have their little meltdown. I'm fine. Even when Tone says I'm in control of myself."
— Kirk Martin [04:30]

Engaging Older Children and Teens

For older children and teenagers, Kirk advises a shift towards minimal drama and more straightforward consequences. He illustrates this through a personal anecdote involving his son, Casey, who sneaked his iPad into bed despite house rules.

• Maintain Consistency Without Escalation: Instead of launching into an emotional tirade, calmly enforce consequences. For instance, remove privileges without engaging in a heated debate.
• Encourage Responsibility: Allow teens to negotiate and take responsibility for their actions. Kirk gives his son the option to ask for permission respectfully, fostering a sense of autonomy and accountability.

"Hey, Casey, it's car keys. Seriously? You're gonna take away the car keys?"
— Kirk Martin [14:04]

"Hey, love you all. We'll talk to you soon. Bye."
— Kirk Martin [Concluding Remarks]

Avoiding Personal Attacks and Drama

A recurring theme in Kirk’s approach is avoiding personal attacks. He emphasizes that making a child feel personally inadequate harms the parent-child relationship and fails to address the actual behavior that needs correction.

• Focus on Behavior, Not Character: Rather than condemning a child’s actions by saying, "If you can't follow simple directions, how are you ever going to be successful in life?" shift the focus to the specific behavior and its consequences.
• Stay Calm and Composed: By controlling his own responses, Kirk models the behavior he expects from his children. This calmness helps children internalize the rules without feeling attacked or belittled.

"There is no need for all of that. I don't have to yell at him."
— Kirk Martin [10:27]

Implementing Consequences Effectively

Consistency in enforcing consequences is crucial. Kirk illustrates this with the example of his son sneaking the iPad into bed. Instead of engaging in arguments, he calmly removes the iPad without drama, reinforcing the rule without personal demeaning.

• Immediate and Clear Consequences: The consequence should directly relate to the misbehavior, such as losing the iPad for a set period.
• Allowing Time for Reflection: By not escalating the situation, children have the space to reflect on their actions without the interference of heightened emotions.

"I don't have to change. But I don't have to yell, right? I can remove a toddler, right?"
— Kirk Martin [06:30]

Building Respect Through Consistency

Kirk stresses that consistent, calm enforcement of rules fosters mutual respect and reduces the likelihood of power struggles. By not yielding to yelling or emotional manipulation, parents can establish a stable and respectful environment where children feel secure and understood.

"If you make it part of you, then you don't have to worry, well, what do I do in this situation? It just becomes who you are and how you roll with this and you stop reacting to everything."
— Kirk Martin [05:45]

Encouraging Assertiveness and Transparency

For teenagers, Kirk advocates for encouraging assertiveness and honest communication. By allowing teens to express their needs and negotiate terms, parents can build trust and responsibility.

• Empower Through Choice: Offer choices that allow teens to make decisions within set boundaries, reinforcing their sense of control and responsibility.
• Foster Open Communication: Encourage honest discussions about rules and consequences, making children feel heard and respected.

"I'm going to honor that you actually asked me. Instead of wasting all of your energy trying to get away with it."
— Kirk Martin [15:00]

Conclusion

Kirk Martin's approach to "appropriate yelling" is less about raising one's voice and more about maintaining control, setting clear boundaries, and enforcing consistent consequences without personal attacks or unnecessary drama. By adopting a calm and composed demeanor, parents can foster a respectful and cooperative relationship with their children, reducing power struggles and enhancing mutual understanding.

Notable Quotes

• "Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change or determine my behavior." — Kirk Martin [01:55]
• "I said no. They have their little meltdown. I'm fine. Even when Tone says I'm in control of myself." — Kirk Martin [04:30]
• "I don't have to change. But I don't have to yell, right? I can remove a toddler, right?" — Kirk Martin [06:30]
• "I'm going to honor that you actually asked me. Instead of wasting all of your energy trying to get away with it." — Kirk Martin [15:00]

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By implementing Kirk Martin’s strategies, parents can transform their interactions with their children, fostering a more harmonious and respectful household. This episode serves as a valuable resource for parents seeking effective, calm, and practical methods to navigate the challenges of raising strong-willed children.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

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[Kirk Martin]

Okay, so I want to teach you how to yell at your kids appropriately. And some of you are like, yeah.

[Casey]

That'S what I've been waiting for.

[Kirk Martin]

Well, you know, I'm not going to advocate yelling at your kids because when you're yelling you're usually out of control and you'll say, I know, but the only time my kids listen to me is when I yell at them. Well, that's probably because it's the only time they get the intensity. And kids like intensity. And you need to give them positive intensity, right? And you need to give them tools to succeed rather than just punishing them for failure and yelling at them. So I'm going to give you examples in this podcast for a toddler, for younger kids, for a teenager, how to get them to do what you want to do, how to discipline, and how to kind of yell at them without actually yelling. So that's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you need help. Email us. Email Casey C A s e y celebratecolm.com it's our son, very strong will kid. Most of these lessons come from interactions with him and about 1500 kids we had in our home. So tell us about your family ages of the Kids, we get together as a family, we talk about it, we reply back, and we reply back pretty quickly because we take this very seriously. So here's, Let me give you a few examples. So with a toddler, one, why are you yelling at a toddler right there? Four, right? Like I get it, I get how frustrating it is, but I don't want to yell like at a 3 year old or a 4 or 5 year old or a 7 year old or 17. Just doesn't work. So let's, you know, simple things like they just, you know, they're having a tantrum because they wanted the fruit snacks or they want something and you're a good parent, you're like, no, can't have it. And so they, they start melting down. What happens is we tend to get personal, we start to explain, right? You don't need to explain things. You can't convince your child that you're right. They're never, no matter what age, they're not going to be like, oh, mom, dad, listen, now that you lectured me for like eight minutes and yelled at me, now I understand that you are filled with wisdom and I was wrong. Like that's never going to happen, right? So I say my no. They have their little meltdown. I'm fine. Even Tone says I'm in control of myself. The best way to get through to your kids is not to react to them. We think, well, I've got to raise my voice. And when I start yelling, what your kids eventually learn is they'll just keep pushing your buttons and you'll yell even more and then you'll get worked up. And you know what else you do and what I did? You make it personal. And that's what messes up the relationship and escalates because we get personal, right? To the toddler. You know what? Why can't you ever listen to me? Why can't you just be satisfied with what I gave you? Why do you always have to ask me over and over and over again when I was a kid, who cares about all that stuff, right? So I said no. And they keep going. I have no problem with saying, look, I get it. You're disappointed because I got fruit snacks and they taste really good and you want them, but I'm not going to give them to you. So you're disappointed and you get upset and so you start screaming and yelling, especially if we're in public, because you want to try to embarrass me. So I give in. Just not going to happen. Just not going to happen. It's just not the way I roll, right? Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change or determine my behavior. That is golden right there. If you can internalize that. That's part of why I want people listening to the complete programs that we have. Because there are dozens and dozens of insights like that, that when you make it part of you, then you don't have to worry, well, what do I do in this situation? It just becomes who you are and how you roll with this and you stop reacting to everything. And now I can actually teach my son and say, look, we're doing the opposite thing here. So every time you ask me, demand, ask, complain, yell at me, threaten me, right, to get the fruit snacks, it will be one more hour or one more day until you get the fruit snacks. So it's going to work against you, right? But if you could exercise some self control, deal with the disappointment, because I know that you can, you're more likely to get those fruit snacks at some point, right? So I don't have, I just don't give in. I just don't change. But I don't have to yell, right? I can remove a toddler, right? But what I'd like to do mostly with toddlers is get them really busy. Hey, you know what? I frustrated. Listen, this is what I could use some help with. Or I always like this one with Casey. I'd say, look, don't tell mom because as soon as I said that, he was like, oh, we're doing something bad we shouldn't do. And it wasn't bad. I was just giving him a little challenge or a little mission to do that he thought was fun. And I got his little brain focused on that. But there was no need to yell about that. Here's one I've been thinking about a lot lately and telling people about because it's funny. It's like the, you know, it's like the 9 year old, 7 year old, 11 year old who sneaks their iPad into their bed at night. Well, it's obviously against the rules of your home. You don't take the iPad, all your electronics are turned in at a certain time and he does it. And what do we do? You know what, I can't, you know, I can't believe. What were you thinking? You know, you can't have your iPad in bed. How many times we told you that? And yet you still do it. And look, I used to go on and on because of my anxiety. I was projecting into the future. If this kid can't Follow simple directions. And I would say things like that. If you can't follow simple directions, how are you ever going to be successful in life?

[Casey]

What are you going to do when.

[Kirk Martin]

Your boss gives you something to do and you don't listen to the boss? And I was projecting so far in the future, and I was condemning my son's future when he was 6, when he was 9, when he was 12. Right. And look, you're dumping all this shame. Here's all it has to sound like. Hey, you had an iPad in the bed thing last night. Yeah, totally get why you'd want it. I get why you'd want the iPad in bed. Like, why wouldn't you? It has all these movies, all the world's information, all this entertainment. Of course you wanted to sneak it into the bed. Of course. Why wouldn't you? But you can't do that in our home because it delays your sleep, because it's not good for you. And so for the next three days, for the next seven days, no iPad.

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[Kirk Martin]

That's it. That's it. I don't have to yell. I don't have to. I don't have to go on and on and make it personal, right? I've kind of normalized it, right? Because I do want you to get that with your kids, have set your expectations. I think it would be weird if your kids didn't sometimes try to get away with things, right? I know, but why don't they just follow the rules all the time like I did? Well, because they want to have fun in life and not be miserable like you. I'm kidding, but not really. You're too good. I once with a mom in a phone consultation, I was like, here's what I want you to do this week. I want you to break a rule. Seriously, I want you to break a rule. Maybe do something, maybe go 56 and a 55 mile per hour because you need to break out of that being too cautious and too careful. And I'm such a good and I always do this because I have to please other people and I'm afraid that people won't like me if I'm not the rule follower. Right? Some of you, it goes back to your family of origin story, right? How did you get, how did you get affirmation from your mom or dad? By being the good one in the family. Now you're imposing unrealistic expectations. Look, I didn't let the kid get away with taking the iPad to bed. I got to give a consequence. But there was no drama about how he did it and you shouldn't do it now. I can't trust you. He just did what he was supposed to do as a kid which tried to get away with doing stuff and he didn't. And so there's a consequence for it, right? So I can do. I could go a step further with this and say, so here's the deal. You got your iPad back. So we could try this. I'd like you to learn to be assertive about what you want and what you need and to be honest with us. So you could try this sometime, son. Hey, Mom, Dad, Tonight could I have my iPad in bed till 9:00 if I promise I'll turn it off at 9:00? Now you got a 5050 shot, son. Right. Because I may say yes, I may say no. And occasionally, if you ask like that, I may say, you know what? We can do that because you have been responsible and you are getting good grades or whatever it is. And so you've got till 9 o'clock. But if that iPad is still in your room at nine o'clock in eight seconds, two weeks gone, right? But if you ask me and you're assertive and you're upfront and honest and say, I'd really like to watch this movie tonight, sometimes as a parent I can let go of some of my rigidity and say, you know what? I can do that. I'm going to honor that, that you actually asked me. Instead of wasting all of your energy trying to get away with it. Right? So teenager, no drama, just no more drama with things of like there's so much talking and this, and you're a teenager and all these things, it's like, no, you came home late after curfew, let me have the car keys. That's not fair. Let them do their drama. But their drama doesn't mean you have to react with your own drama and one up them. Because you're the authority figure. I found the older the kids get, the less drama I do, the more low key I get, which is they walk in. This was with Casey. He walks in late, not waiting, standing there. I'm sitting in the chair, I'm reading a book, and here's how it went. I'm trying to recall this exactly. He walks in and instead of me getting all over him like, you know.

[Casey]

What, you're eight minutes late. You know what? If I can't trust you to get.

[Kirk Martin]

Home on time, how am I going.

[Casey]

To get you to trust anything else? You're driving a vehicle, which is deadly thing and it weighs so much and you could kill people with it.

[Kirk Martin]

Instead of all that, you know what I said, hey, Case, it's car keys. And I just held up my hand.

[Casey]

Seriously, Seriously, because I'm eight minutes late, you're gonna take away the Car keys?

[Kirk Martin]

Really? You know, you can leave them over there. You can just leave them on the desk. Seriously? You're really gonna do. Mm. There's no need for the drama. I don't need to explain to him. He knew he was late. He knew he didn't keep the curfew. He knew that I didn't have to bludgeon him to death with all. All the time since childhood.

[Casey]

I've never been able to count on you, Casey, because you never, always showed up late. You never did what I said. You know what?

[Kirk Martin]

How are you going to be successful in life? There's no need for all of that. I don't have to yell at him.

[Casey]

I've been staying up late waiting for you.

[Kirk Martin]

I don't need to do that. I'm just letting him know this is how I roll. And when you're up past curfew, the car keys are mine. And I will determine when you get them back. And he'll ask me 1500 times, like your kids do, where the screen. Can I have my phone back? Can I have my phone back? Can I have my phone back? And we don't have to create a lot of drama. I just do what I told you I was going to do. And I do it in a very low key way. I will tell you that with our kids. One, this works much better. It keeps things too. Keeps things from escalating. Three, it keeps things from getting personal, which ruins your relationship with your child. Child. And four, I forget what the fourth point was, but it was really good. So if you listen to our programs, you'll get it there, I'm sure. No, the fourth thing was, is that I don't have to raise my voice. I'm making my point. And it actually. And it actually lets it sink in more, right? Because I'm not creating all of this swirl and drama. I'm letting it sink in more. Instead of me taking it on about creating all of my own drama and making it about me and how frustrated.

[Casey]

I am and disappointed in you.

[Kirk Martin]

That's made about their behavior. So they own it, right? And it keeps it very clean that way. I like that. So that's how I want you to yell at your kids. Let's try that for a week, okay? Because it will change your relationship and they'll actually start to listen to you. They don't listen to you when you start yelling because you're freaking out. You're not even in control of yourself. You don't even know what you're saying half the time. So I want you to get control of yourself. And let's work on that this week. If we can help you, let us know. Get to get everything packaged. Why would you not has 35 hours worth of wisdom and very practical, cool stuff you haven't heard other places you can't get from a therapist. It will change your relationship when you're home, right? It should be a lot more expensive. Truth be told, a guy told me that we're doing phone consultations. We do a little mentoring thing with him. He's like, this is priceless for this is literally changing my relationships in my home, right? That will last forever and I'm becoming a new person, right? So I said to him, well, if you want to pay me more, I'm good with that. Tell me what it's worth, right? And so he venmoed me the next day and I was very pleased with it. But I like the investment because that shows that he values it, right? And so if you ever. Let me say this, if you ever need help financially, let us know. Email Casey at celebratecolm. Com. We work with. Look, if you're single mom, if your spouse is deployed overseas, if you've been going through a hard time, we work with everybody. I just want people to have an investment in them so they take this seriously and actually work through this stuff. Hey, love you all. We'll talk to you soon. Bye.