Calm Parenting Podcast: How to “Yell” Appropriately At Toddlers, Teens & In Between
Episode Release Date: October 2, 2022
Host: Kirk Martin, Founder of Celebrate Calm
Introduction
In the episode titled "How to 'Yell' Appropriately At Toddlers, Teens & In Between," Kirk Martin delves into effective strategies for parents dealing with strong-willed children. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging kids, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk offers pragmatic advice on managing power struggles, reducing yelling, and fostering cooperation without losing control.
Understanding the Role of Yelling
Kirk opens the discussion by addressing a common dilemma among parents: the perceived necessity of yelling to gain a child’s attention and compliance. He acknowledges that while some parents believe yelling is the only way to be heard, this approach often stems from frustration and lack of control. Instead of advocating for outright yelling, Kirk emphasizes the importance of "positive intensity"—maintaining a firm and calm stance that commands respect without escalating conflicts.
"Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change or determine my behavior."
— Kirk Martin [01:55]
Strategies for Dealing with Toddlers
When addressing toddlers, Kirk highlights that emotional meltdowns are common, especially when parents impose boundaries, such as denying snacks. Rather than reacting emotionally or making personal attacks, he suggests maintaining composure and focusing on clear, consistent rules.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Clearly state the rules without over-explaining. For example, if a toddler demands fruit snacks, simply say, "No, you can't have fruit snacks right now."
- Avoid Personalizing Rejections: Instead of saying, "Why can't you ever listen to me?" opt for understanding phrases like, "I know you're disappointed because you wanted the fruit snacks, but I can't give them to you right now."
"I said no. They have their little meltdown. I'm fine. Even when Tone says I'm in control of myself."
— Kirk Martin [04:30]
Engaging Older Children and Teens
For older children and teenagers, Kirk advises a shift towards minimal drama and more straightforward consequences. He illustrates this through a personal anecdote involving his son, Casey, who sneaked his iPad into bed despite house rules.
- Maintain Consistency Without Escalation: Instead of launching into an emotional tirade, calmly enforce consequences. For instance, remove privileges without engaging in a heated debate.
- Encourage Responsibility: Allow teens to negotiate and take responsibility for their actions. Kirk gives his son the option to ask for permission respectfully, fostering a sense of autonomy and accountability.
"Hey, Casey, it's car keys. Seriously? You're gonna take away the car keys?"
— Kirk Martin [14:04]
"Hey, love you all. We'll talk to you soon. Bye."
— Kirk Martin [Concluding Remarks]
Avoiding Personal Attacks and Drama
A recurring theme in Kirk’s approach is avoiding personal attacks. He emphasizes that making a child feel personally inadequate harms the parent-child relationship and fails to address the actual behavior that needs correction.
- Focus on Behavior, Not Character: Rather than condemning a child’s actions by saying, "If you can't follow simple directions, how are you ever going to be successful in life?" shift the focus to the specific behavior and its consequences.
- Stay Calm and Composed: By controlling his own responses, Kirk models the behavior he expects from his children. This calmness helps children internalize the rules without feeling attacked or belittled.
"There is no need for all of that. I don't have to yell at him."
— Kirk Martin [10:27]
Implementing Consequences Effectively
Consistency in enforcing consequences is crucial. Kirk illustrates this with the example of his son sneaking the iPad into bed. Instead of engaging in arguments, he calmly removes the iPad without drama, reinforcing the rule without personal demeaning.
- Immediate and Clear Consequences: The consequence should directly relate to the misbehavior, such as losing the iPad for a set period.
- Allowing Time for Reflection: By not escalating the situation, children have the space to reflect on their actions without the interference of heightened emotions.
"I don't have to change. But I don't have to yell, right? I can remove a toddler, right?"
— Kirk Martin [06:30]
Building Respect Through Consistency
Kirk stresses that consistent, calm enforcement of rules fosters mutual respect and reduces the likelihood of power struggles. By not yielding to yelling or emotional manipulation, parents can establish a stable and respectful environment where children feel secure and understood.
"If you make it part of you, then you don't have to worry, well, what do I do in this situation? It just becomes who you are and how you roll with this and you stop reacting to everything."
— Kirk Martin [05:45]
Encouraging Assertiveness and Transparency
For teenagers, Kirk advocates for encouraging assertiveness and honest communication. By allowing teens to express their needs and negotiate terms, parents can build trust and responsibility.
- Empower Through Choice: Offer choices that allow teens to make decisions within set boundaries, reinforcing their sense of control and responsibility.
- Foster Open Communication: Encourage honest discussions about rules and consequences, making children feel heard and respected.
"I'm going to honor that you actually asked me. Instead of wasting all of your energy trying to get away with it."
— Kirk Martin [15:00]
Conclusion
Kirk Martin's approach to "appropriate yelling" is less about raising one's voice and more about maintaining control, setting clear boundaries, and enforcing consistent consequences without personal attacks or unnecessary drama. By adopting a calm and composed demeanor, parents can foster a respectful and cooperative relationship with their children, reducing power struggles and enhancing mutual understanding.
Notable Quotes
- "Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change or determine my behavior." — Kirk Martin [01:55]
- "I said no. They have their little meltdown. I'm fine. Even when Tone says I'm in control of myself." — Kirk Martin [04:30]
- "I don't have to change. But I don't have to yell, right? I can remove a toddler, right?" — Kirk Martin [06:30]
- "I'm going to honor that you actually asked me. Instead of wasting all of your energy trying to get away with it." — Kirk Martin [15:00]
By implementing Kirk Martin’s strategies, parents can transform their interactions with their children, fostering a more harmonious and respectful household. This episode serves as a valuable resource for parents seeking effective, calm, and practical methods to navigate the challenges of raising strong-willed children.