I Feel Like A Failure As A Mom! My Child Won’t Listen!

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary

Title: I Feel Like A Failure As A Mom! My Child Won’t Listen!
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: May 7, 2023

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Introduction

In this heartfelt and insightful episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin addresses a common and deeply emotional concern among parents: feeling inadequate when their strong-willed child resists listening and following directions. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk offers practical strategies to alleviate daily power struggles and foster a harmonious parent-child relationship.

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Understanding Parental Guilt and Self-Perception

Kirk begins by empathizing with parents who feel like failures due to their child's inattentiveness and defiance. He reassures listeners that these feelings are normal and emphasizes that both the parent and child are not doing anything wrong. Instead, the issue often lies in unrealistic expectations and societal pressures that parents place on themselves and their children.

Notable Quote:

"Mom, you're not a failure as a mom. You're doing a great job as a mom."
(03:32)

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Embracing the Nature of Strong-Willed Children

Kirk explains that strong-willed children are typically bright, energetic, and possess a vivid imagination. These traits, while challenging, are also indicators of a child's potential for creativity and problem-solving. He stresses the importance of recognizing and valuing these qualities rather than viewing them as purely problematic behaviors.

Notable Quote:

"Strong-willed kids are very bright kids. They have a lot of intellectual, mental, emotional energy."
(03:32)

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Practical Strategies to Enhance Listening and Focus

Kirk shares several actionable techniques to help parents guide their children more effectively:

1. Control Your Energy:

   • Maintain a calm and even tone when addressing your child.
   • Use a matter-of-fact approach without emotional outbursts.

   Quote:

   "When you say no, use an even, matter-of-fact tone. With no emotion."
   (04:15)

2. Turn "No" into "Yes":

   • Instead of simply prohibiting undesired behavior, offer alternative, acceptable activities that channel the child's energy positively.

   Example:

   • Instead of: "Jumping on the sofa is not allowed."
   • Instead: "Jumping on the sofa? Not happening in my home, but I could use your energy to stir the soup or build a spaceship with Legos."

   Quote:

   "Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, always say yes to something appropriate."
   (05:10)

3. Create Challenges:

   • Engage your child with fun and stimulating tasks that make them feel accomplished and challenged.

   Quote:

   "Make things as a challenge to stimulate their little brains. Give it a time limit or make it a competition."
   (07:00)

4. Use Non-Verbal Cues:

   • Incorporate gestures and activities that capture the child's attention without relying solely on verbal instructions.

   Quote:

   "Use a lot of non-verbals with strong-willed kids. They respond well to music, flicking the lights on and off."
   (09:30)

5. Foster Ownership of Choices:

   • Allow children to take responsibility for their tasks within set boundaries, encouraging independence and creativity.

   Quote:

   "Here's what I want accomplished. I just don't care how you get it done."
   (12:00)

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Promoting Play and Creativity Over Structured Activities

Kirk advocates for unstructured play as a vital component of a child's development. He criticizes the modern trend of overly organized activities, such as professionalized sports and rigid academic expectations, arguing that these can stifle a child's natural curiosity and creativity.

Notable Quote:

"We’re trying to professionalize childhood, and in doing so, we’re robbing them of their childhood. Let them play."
(19:45)

---

Managing Parental Anxiety and Adjusting Expectations

A significant portion of the episode focuses on how parents' anxieties and societal pressures can negatively impact their perception of their child's behavior. Kirk advises parents to adjust their expectations to align with their child's developmental stage, emphasizing that young children are naturally more focused on exploration and imagination.

Notable Quote:

"Control your own anxiety over your child's future. This is what you want right now. It's age-appropriate."
(21:00)

---

Real-Life Application: Listener's Success Story

Kirk shares an inspiring story from a listener who successfully implemented his strategies. The mother transformed a stressful morning routine by turning the situation into a fun challenge, resulting in her son getting ready for school efficiently and joyfully.

Quote:

"She presented a fake mic and asked her son to show her how he could get ready for school in 30 minutes. He giggled, accepted the challenge, and was ready in 20 minutes."
(35:00)

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Final Reassurances and Encouragement

In concluding the episode, Kirk reiterates that parents are not failing and that their efforts to nurture their child's unique strengths are commendable. He encourages parents to continue fostering their children's creativity and independence while mitigating unnecessary stress and pressure.

Notable Quote:

"You're an exceptional mom because you have created an environment in which your son loves to explore and use his imagination."
(30:29)

---

Conclusion

This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast serves as a compassionate guide for parents grappling with strong-willed children. Kirk Martin combines empathy with practical advice, empowering parents to embrace their child's individuality while cultivating a respectful and supportive home environment. By shifting focus from compliance to curiosity, parents can alleviate guilt and foster meaningful connections with their children.

---

Resources Mentioned:

• Visit CelebrateCalm.com for more parenting strategies and support.
• Reach out via email at [e-mail] for personalized assistance.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

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[Kirk Martin]

So here's a very common email that we get. My husband and I have been arguing almost every night about how to get our son to listen after school program or emailing us about how he's having trouble listening. We've even seen at soccer practice he was distracted, not listening to the coach doing his own thing on the field and I know he's not doing it out of disobedience. He's just absorbed in his own world. He's daydreaming and I'm feeling like a big failure as a mom that I'm not able to get him to overcome this. So can you relate to that? I bet you can because we've all been there, right? As we all can relate because raising strong willed kids is really, really challenging. So on this special Mother's Day edition of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to give you both practical ways to help your kids focus better and at the same time reassure you why this isn't even that important for younger kids. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebrate calm.com if you need help, reach out to our son Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com this is the kid. This mom's email could have been Casey's mom's email. Our email to someone back then because he didn't Listen, well, he had trouble at school all the time. Why do you think I got into this field? It was to try to keep Casey from getting kicked out of different schools for different things, right? And soccer, I remember him being. They put him in goal playing soccer because that's what I did when I was a kid, right? And I look, he's not even watching the game. He was in the net, playing with the net, looking at other kids behind him, right? So this, so if you, if you ever contact Casey, right, you'll know he gets this because he was your kid. He wasn't a great listener as a little kid, but I guarantee if you email or call him, you will feel very heard. And he's totally engaged. So I'm going to break this up into pieces and address different things that this really great mom said.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

First, a couple things. In this case, this child is 5, and I would say this applies to kids of almost all ages. But I'm going to skew this podcast to kids under the ages of, under the age of seven. But still, I think it's going to apply in a lot of different ways if you have 8, 9, 10, 8 year olds or even teenagers. So, mom, you're not alone. You're not doing anything wrong. And I want to repeat this, mom, in this case, you are not alone. You are not doing anything wrong, but neither is your son. And I'm going to get to that. Your son's being a normal 5 year old child and you're a good mom. So let's get rid of that guilt stuff. All right? So let me start by giving you some tools to help your kids listen better and accomplish tasks. But here's a big caveat, and I mean this. I don't even think that's very important at all, right? But you asked, so here goes. Few ideas for younger kids. Little kids, even older kids, respond a lot to energy, so controlling yours is extremely important. When you say no, use an even matter of fact tone. With no emotion. Always discipline, which means to teach with no emotion. But then you give your emotion, your enthusiasm to leading, to transitions, to what they can do. Remember this, whenever you say no to something inappropriate, always say yes to something appropriate. If you have little kids, they're going to get into stuff and your whole day is going to be like, stop that. Take that out of your mouth. Don't put that there. Don't do this. Don't, don't, don't, don't. Strong willed kids are very bright kids. They have a lot of intellectual, mental, emotional, Energy. And so you have to get them doing things, not just don't do that. I'll give you an example. So Casey's little. I walk in to the living room, he's jumping on the sofa, right? It's like, we just bought the sofa. You want to go in there and lecture, right? And get all over them about there's springs on the sofa and you can't do this. Instead, I walk in and said, hey, jumping on the sofa, not happening in my home. But I love your energy. Listen, if you want to come help me stir the soup, if you want to come help me walk the dog, you want to come help me build this really cool spaceship with Legos, man, I could really use your help. So watch the process. I'm going to say no to jumping on the sofa. I'm not going to be like, hey, buddy, you know what? There are springs on the sofa. We don't jump on the sofa. No, I'm not doing that at all. Because that sounds weak and condescending. It sounds patronizing to strong willed kids, right? So when I. And I'm not going to explain things as if he's going to say, oh, dad, I didn't realize there were springs on the sofa and that you spent so many thousand dollars on this. I'll stop right now. It's not going to happen. So when I say, no, hey, jumping on the sofa, not happening in my home, I like short, sweet, to the point, no long explanation. He already knows he's not supposed to do that. And watch where the transition is. But I love your energy. I try to point out the positives. Did I really love his energy? No. Your kids are exhausting. But that's a key part of who they are and I want to use that. So what's the transition, man? I could use that energy. You want to help me with A, B, C? I've been to a lot of workshops. We talk to people at live events all the time, and I get this one a lot. How many of your kids love shoveling mulch? You'll be surprised how many kids love shoveling mulch. And there's a lot of reasons for that. But now I can give him a job to do with something he can do right? So let's give intensity not to what the kids are doing wrong, but to what they can do with younger kids. Make it intense. Make it a challenge. Part of the hard thing with strong willed kids is they're very bright and they just get bored and if something's too easy, they won't do it. Now I know a lot of you are like, I like the easy tasks, they don't. So I make it a challenge. But you can't put your shoes on the wrong foot and get downstairs in the next 38 seconds. Why is that a challenge? Because there's a greater chance that your child's going to fall down and crack their heads open running down the stairs. Now I'm kind of joking, but the reality is it stimulates their brain and it's a challenge. And it's different. It's a little bit odd things. They like to do things a different way. One of my favorite phrases, hey, bet you can't do X sometimes I make it a competition. Now don't make it a competition of which they can't win or do it well because now you're going to have a meltdown for the next three hours. One of my favorites. This is really cool. Hey, don't tell your mom, but right or don't tell your dad. Now look, I'm not teaching kids to be subversive and subverse, subvert their parents authority. It's just a fun thing. As soon as you say, hey, don't tell your dad, but here's what we're going to do, right? You're making it fun. Don't be afraid to make things fun. When kids are little, getting them to brush their teeth, I know they need to brush their teeth because it's good for their dental hygiene. I get all that. But it's a little kid, right? And so sometimes dad can come and say, hey, guess what we're going to do? Every night we're going to have a contest. We're both going to brush our teeth out on the deck and then we're going to see how much toothpaste we can spit off the deck onto the ground. It makes it fun. It's interesting. Create successes. Start the day with a win. You know, I love treasure hunts and I love mixing this with some kind of obstacle course in the basement, in the backyard. Something your kids have to crawl through, crawl under, climb over, push, pull. It's really good for their bodies, it's really good for their brains. So I wake them up and say, hey, guess what? Where I hid your breakfast this morning. Guess where I hid your favorite toy. And now you get them on a mission instead of waking up, hey, do the five things you least want to do. Early in the morning, it's hey, I got a challenge for you. They get out of bed, they won't even get dressed. They'll Run outside even in cold weather and do this. Okay. Use it with wisdom, obviously. So. But now they're accomplishing a mission and you get to start the day with, hey, good job doing that. And they just accomplished a task, something they're not always great at doing. For you give your kids sensory things to manipulate. It just helps. Little kids don't always hear you because they're caught up in their own world as they should be. I'll get to this a little bit later. But they're curious. They're focused on what they're curious about, so they tune everything else out. So to cut through the clutter, sometimes I use non verbals. Moms and dads, most of us had parents who used very few words with us. We are around our kids now all the time. So the more words you use, the less valuable they become. So I use a lot of non verbals with strong will. Kids like music, flicking the lights on and off. Right? I can also say this, hey, that's really cool what you're doing. Why do you like that so much? And I engage them where they are and I can listen for 30 seconds and then transition with some energy to, oh, here's what I could use some help with now if you want to be more grown up, right? I like appealing to giving them more adult type jobs. Do. I don't care if they're 5, give them something that a 9 year old does that a 12 year old does. Right? Remember to get them to stop doing things by giving them activities to do. Hey, you're really good at doing X. Could you help me do X?

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Let's try to turn some of these common situations into successes. So remember that whenever you say no, you have to say yes. So instead of just saying, hey, don't ride your bike fast. Right? Which is like telling me not to eat that brownie that's sitting over there. Can we create an acceptable challenge to give your child with his bike? Lets him push the boundaries as kids are supposed to do, but still remain within an acceptable boundary. Right? Make things as challenged to stimulate their little brains. Give it a time limit. Do the task backwards or blindfolded. Bet you can't do. Remember that. That's a really cool one. Now if your kids don't do well with time limits, don't do time limits. Okay? Use wisdom with this.

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[Kirk Martin]

Most of our kids have sensory needs, so have them do a lot of physical activities, right? That's the whole idea of the obstacle course. When they get upset and physical, I like to give them something physical to do in that moment. And final one I'm going to mention is giving kids ownership of their choices. I think you have to master this one. I'm going to ask you to listen to the Strong Willed Child program that's part of the Calm Parenting program or the Get Everything program to learn how to do this. In essence, you're saying this hey, here's what I want accomplished. I just don't care how you get it done. Again, within my larger boundaries. I don't care how you get this done. You want to do it some weird way, some odd way, go for it and you give them ownership of their choices so they get to do it in an odd way, in a weird way, in a creative way. It's extremely important to understand your strong will, kids. So please listen to that program. Number two with that said, here's what I really wanted to talk to you about in this podcast and what I want you to focus on so we're going to break this down step by step. What the Mom Had Written My husband and I have been arguing almost every night about how to get our 5 year old to listen better. My response? Your goal at this age is not to get him to listen better, it's to encourage his curiosity and his imagination and not put limits on his thinking. I don't think there's a problem here at all. If anything, it is our expectations and goals that are completely misguided. Right? The more concerning email to me would be we're struggling to get our 5 year old to play and have fun and be curious and explore and use his imagination and make messes and try new things. He just colors within the lines and he obeys without ever questioning anything. I'm concerned he won't be a very good thinker or problem solver when he grows up. Now that that would concern me. But having a 4, 5, 6, 7 year old who's not great at listening? That doesn't concern me at all. Because look, here's what I'm hearing. We have a young child with a great imagination who gets curious about things that excite him. He then pursues his curiosity and tunes everything else out. Which by the way, is a great form of hyper focusing. It's a really helpful trait for entrepreneurs and really highly effective people.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Our son thinks through things. He tinkers with mechanical objects. He's got a vivid imagination. He makes up stories. And he's developing all this by daydreaming. Yes. Sometimes he doesn't hear us, but he's only five and we'd rather have be a curious explorer right? Now. See, that's what I'm hearing and I'm like, you're not doing anything wrong at all, Mom. You're doing a great job.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Here's the thing. Your child's five. Let me just your child's four. Five. Your child's six. He's seven. The job description of a five, six, seven year old is not to Be productive and efficient. And I can hear every dad listening saying, well, if you can't learn to follow directions, how's he ever going to be responsible in life? I understand your concerns, but now I'm going to dismiss them 100%. That's your own anxiety causing you to project out into of the future. You're looking at basically a toddler, a young developing child and projecting out and thinking he's going to be like this when he's 27 or 35. It just doesn't work that way.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Their job is not to be a little version of you. Their job is to be. I did this with a dad on a phone consultation once because he's getting all upset. I got that. I'm a dad, right? I want that for an age of 2. I want some self discipline built. I get that. But I said, dad, here's what I want you to do this week. I want you to write a job description for a five year old and this is what he came back with. Their job is to be curious and make messes and daydream and create and live inside their imagination and play make believe and ruin your agenda as a parent. Frustrate you because they aren't little type A freaks like you and I are right now. Here's a warning and look, I'll just say it. If you don't chill out and change your expectations and control your anxiety, I promise you this is what's going to happen. This child is going to grow up feeling like a bad kid, maybe like a stupid kid. Like he can never please you and you will be perpetually frustrated with this child and he will feel that down to his core and eventually he's going to internalize it. My parents are never happy with me and I promise that will hurt him deeply. It will fracture your relationship and that can last a really long time. You don't want that and I don't want that. I see it on the back end when kids get older and I see it happening when kids are young in this process. And dad's like, and mom are like, whoa. He just needs to go with a program like he's five, right? Let's build, create successes. All the stuff I talked about before, okay, Number three, his school and aftercare program are emailing us about how he is having trouble listening. Of course they are. And of course he's having trouble listening because he's caught up in a more interesting world inside of his brain than the world that's going on at the school. And I understand we do a lot of training of teachers in schools and after school programs and preschool programs. We do all that training and I try to get the teachers say, look, give them specific jobs to give them missions. And I know how hard it is to run a classroom, right? But just think, in a classroom, I've got 20 kids, I'm trying to manage, I just got to round them up, right? And keep them moving just to keep my sanity, right? Like that's hard. But schools also ask our kids to do a lot of arbitrary tasks that simply don't matter right now, right? And we shouldn't force kids to do arbitrary things just to make our lives easier, right? So share with your school the ideas that we shared before and in our programs and other podcasts, right? To give them challenges, missions, great successes, affirm when they do follow through, get your kids to be the leader, but also ask the school, like, please be flexible. My kid's five. Because I can guarantee you with a five year old, six year old, seven year old preschool, first grade, you're going to get calls from the school. You are. Your daughter can't sit still. She gets up and walks around. She doesn't listen to it. It's just going to happen. But I don't want you, and I'm going to say it this way, do not rob your kids of their childhood and their innocence by forcing them to conform to arbitrary standards at such a young age. Look, we largely didn't have to do that. We had a lot of ownership of our lives and a lot of freedom. We were allowed to be kids, right? I can hear people saying, but kids have to eventually follow directions and listen to be successful. And I'll respond with two thoughts. One, eventually, yes, perhaps, but not at age five or six or seven. They're supposed to be in their own world. That's what you want, right? So why do they have to do that, that age? And then my second response is, because I am strong willed and a little bit oppositional. No, actually, you don't have to learn to always follow directions. The reason we have this organization, I do this the way I do is because I didn't follow the directions and I don't like doing it the way other people do it. That's why I don't have bumper music on our podcast and I don't have it all edited. I don't have a co host that we talk about meaningless things for the first three minutes that you hate. I jump right into it. Why? This is the way I like to listen to a podcast So I do it that way.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

You can live by your own rules and many of your kids do and life will be harder for them in certain ways. I do things the hard way. I am a stove toucher. I learn best that way. And I'd rather touch the hot stove and do it my way. They don't have to do it the way someone else did that. And so I want you to give your kids some space to figure that out. But not at age 5. You don't have to follow directions perfectly, not just to make your parents life easier. Right? Does that make sense? So I'd ask you control your own anxiety over your child's future. This is what you want right now. It's age appropriate. Don't crush this child's spirit because of societal pressure and arbitrary standards. Don't put your child in a box and make him be like 5 year old other 5 year olds. And I would ask you to please not compare.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Comparing your child to other five year olds is death trap. Besides, whose standards are you losing to compare them? So when your other friends are like, oh, my son is so obedient, he always listens and follows directions, I'd respond, oh yeah, I've got a five year old son who loves to think and explore. He's curious, he tinkers with things. He's always trying to figure out how things work. And he's got this great imagination in this big world wide world that he inhabits in his brain. And he makes up stories and he plays and he never stops talking about. I can't wait to see what he creates or invents or what problems he solves one day. See, that's what I want you to be able to say to your friends and to other people. Right? Does that make sense? Control your own anxiety, number four. Well, we saw this live at his soccer practice. He was distracted. He wasn't listening to the coach. He was doing his own thing on the field. Now, I'm not being mean to you, mom, who emailed in. Actually, I'm very proud of you. You've done a great job with your kids. I'm trying to reassure you and I'm not blaming you here, but I'm going to broaden this to all of us. Let me ask this to you. What did you expect? You signed a five year old up to go to an organized practice with coaches talking and talking and talking and showing and expecting kids after a full day at school to somehow be patient and follow directions and wait for a turn to kick the ball and do it in an orderly way. Why? Listen, why didn't we have these problems as kids? Because we weren't forced into these situations. When we were five, what did we do? We went outside and kicked the ball around with our friends. As we grew up, we made up our own games, our own rules. We didn't have to stand in line waiting for our turn to kick the ball and get yelled at by some adults because we're not doing it the right way. We didn't have to just stand there, right? We ran, we fell, we played. And I really want to emphasize, because there's a lot of research on this, that's how kids learn best. Not by sitting in a chair and having someone lecture them and show them something on a board. Little kids especially learn best by actually playing. You play with friends and learn how to dribble and pass and shoot by doing it without it being so forced and mechanical. That's why we were such good athletes as kids. We played with our friends and some of them were taller or bigger, faster, better. And we eventually learned how to get better because we played endlessly. We didn't practice endlessly. We played endlessly every day after school, in the backyard, in the neighborhood. Not because some adult was there trying to teach us. And I'd ask you to be aware of this trap. Modern day parents. It's like we're trying to professionalize childhood, right? If we just get enough professionals and adults teaching our child how to do every single thing that they're doing right? From piano practice, instead of letting your child practice and feel the music, right? And I'm not saying you shouldn't have lessons. I'm just saying we're trying to professionalize everything. And in doing so, we're robbing them of their childhood. We're trying to make them like little adults. And they're 4 and 5 and 6 and 12 and 14. Now, everything's organized. There's a class with an instructor and a practice, and there's drills. And we think if we hire enough professionals, our child will somehow be advanced or get ahead. And we're substituting all this structure over creativity and learning by doing and playing instead. Well, our kids can't play outside. Yes, they can, but you're going to have to initiate it. Call some other moms and dads, invite them to your backyard, throw a ball out in the yard, let the kids learn how to play by playing. Let them fight over it too. That's also how we learned, right? Why are you wasting all that money on practice and lessons? For a 4, 5, 6, 7 year old. Because all they do for like in soccer. I know how it works. They stand in a clump, don't they? You put 10 kids, look what they do in a soccer game of a five year old. They all. There's 10 kids all in a clump, kicking at the ball, basically kicking each other and never really doing anything. And then there's all these adults and a coach on the sideline yelling at them and to them and it's chaos. Stop that. Seriously. Be the brave parent who says, hey other mom, you want to bring your kid over one day and just let our kids play in the backyard together? I guarantee there are a lot of other parents who don't want to be pressured into the modern way. You'll save a ton of money, gas time and wasted energy and your child feeling of failure. You got to learn how to practice. No, they don't. Let them play. Just have play dates. You and the other mom or dad sit and have a glass of wine or iced tea while the kids are doing what they're supposed to do. Run around and get dirty. Number five. I know he's not doing it out of disobedience. He's just absorbed in his own world. Daydreaming mom. Thank you for that recognition. Parents, please stop misinterpreting everything as disobedience and rebellion. Let your kids be kids again. Stop imposing your own adult world on little kids. I want to free you from that. I want to liberate you from that. I want you to be able to enjoy your kids childhood so they can enjoy it and so you can enjoy them. Take all that pressure off of them. Take that pressure off of yourself. It's so hard you're laboring under such burdens. Moms and dads, I've got to teach them every bit of every day how to do this and get better. Let them be kids. Learn to be a kid yourself again and enjoy running around. Say no to some of that other stuff and just play. Right? Here's what I want you to know about daydreaming. Daydreaming is a sign of a very bright child with a good imagination. I want to encourage that. How do you think people invent new products and services that revolutionize our lives? How do you think problem solving happens? Who do you think writes all those great books and screenplays for movies and songs that move you? It's daydreamers and thinkers not sitting in a room. Hey, in the next 60 minutes you're going to come up with A great idea. They're daydreamers, they're thinkers. We need people doing this. Now here's a great way to engage a child who's daydreaming or lost in his thoughts. Do this. Ask with great curiosity. Hey, where did you just go? Inside your head and inside your heart. I bet it was somewhere fascinating. And then listen to what your child tells you about. It's a fantastic way to understand what motivates your child, what energizes him, what animates her thinking. See, it's a gift.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because now your child's going to tell you what they're thinking, thinking about instead of, you know what, stop that daydreaming and do some arbitrary tasks that I just asked you to do.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

That's kind of what we're saying. And you can also use this to get your child on task when necessary. Hey, while we do X, why don't you tell me about what just happened next in your make believe world? Enter into their world. Stop trying to pull them into your world and enter into their world and lead them.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Or maybe you take a character from the story that your child's creating and ask, hey, how do you think Charlie the chipmunk would like to brush his teeth at bedtime?

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

I want a creative problem solver with a good imagination who knows how to think, not just a kid who takes orders from other people. Look, your kid's gonna, they're gonna be eventually be a better listener, but they're probably always gonna struggle in this area a little bit. I just don't put as much importance on this trait as other people do because I think there are more important traits and you can't be good at everything.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Number six. And you can hear this, moms, all of you. I'm feeling like a big failure as a mom that I'm not able to get him to overcome this. And my message, especially on Mother's Day, is, you're not a failure as a mom. You're doing a great job as a mom. Right? Right. There's nothing to overcome, mom. He's doing as he should at this age. You're not doing anything wrong and neither is your son. It's your expectations of yourself and your son that are way off. It is the school and aftercare and society and other parents who have the wrong priorities and expectations. You're a great mom. You're not a failure. In fact, you're an exceptional mom because you have created an environment in which your son loves to explore and use his imagination. And daydream and think and be creative. You've fostered that mom. You're a great mom. You're doing the right thing now. Don't mess it up by trying to give in to what everybody else is doing. And men like me don't come in and ruin this and demand that your little kids become some little blind, obedient servant to your arbitrary, whimsical. Yeah, look, in our programs we teach kids how to become independent, how to take care of themselves and be responsible for themselves. And we do that by. Look, a lot of that is the ownership piece and the internal motivation, right? Using the tools we mentioned up front. But watch this obsession with getting kids to follow directions and just be obedient. Look, guess why many of you are in an unfulfilling marriage or relationship. Because when you were young, here's what you learned. You learned that the only way you could get your parents attention or acceptance or that pat on the head that you needed so badly was by doing whatever they told you to do obediently and never speaking up. And you learned very quickly that if I have my own thoughts, my parents will not be happy with me. And perhaps worse, but if I just follow directions and never cause a fuss, they'll be happy with and accept me. So guess what you did? You grew up. You continued that same pattern and you became the people pleaser who married the controlling spouse for whom you have now become again the obedient child. Because I guarantee many of you, you don't speak up for yourselves because you're afraid of being dismissed, right? You're being afraid of being corrected by your spouse. I see it on Facebook every single day and it almost makes me cry because I see moms reposting to their husband one of our messages and inside there's this subtle thing. Will you please listen? We please listen because we need help with this because I'm tired of managing kids emotions and your emotions and I need some help. Will you please listen to this? But you're afraid to bring these issues up with your spouse. Why? Because he'll dismiss you, right? And he won't be happy with you. And so it's just easier, right? Does that make sense? When you think. When you think the right way or do what is expected, then your spouse is happy with you. I don't want your kids. And there's no blame and guilt in that, right? You did what you were supposed to do when you were a kid. You did the best that you could when you were a little girl or a little Boy, you did what was important because you needed your parents affirmation. But now you're a grown adult and you can break that pattern. And that's what I want to do, because this is what we're after, right? We're after this, raising a child. This is what we finally came to with Casey was this. I'm not that interested in grades. I'm not that interested in always doing exactly what the teacher asked him to do when he was little.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

I remember the second grade, the books, the books on the approved reading list, none of them were interesting to a boy his age or to Casey. So I went in and I said, teacher, I appreciate you. You love my child and want my child to learn. And we both have the same goal, to raise a curious child who loves to learn. My son doesn't like any of those books. Would you mind if we read different books that were even on a higher grade level? Because he can't do that because he's motivated. And some teachers would say, absolutely, go for it. And I was like, awesome, thank you. And some teachers said, well, if he doesn't read the books on the approved list, I'm going to have to mark his grade down. And I remember saying, I'm okay with a lower grade. I'm not interested in arbitrary grades. I'm interested in raising a curious child who loves to learn. Because that's what we're after. You are the parents. You have choices to make, and I want you to be that protector. You have to protect your child from arbitrary standards that other people impose on them and that you're probably already imposing on them a little bit.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

So we're going to scale back from that and determine what's really important. So you're going to protect your child from that, and you're also right from anything that crushes their spirits. And you're going to nurture their spirit, their creativity, their imagination, all those things we've talked about. Do that. Hey, this is Kirk. This is the next day, actually, I'm editing for the first time one of our podcasts because I heard back from the mom. So this mom had written in. I recorded this podcast, actually, before I released it, I sent it to her. And this morning I woke up to this awesome email, and I wanted to share a quick story with you of how she actually used this. The first thing she said is, yeah, it's my fear and anxiety that we've been dumping on this little kid, right? Like, he loves to ride his bike and sing and dance. He's way ahead of his classmates and reading. But we keep.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

We keep kind of forcing them to do all these other things because that's what's expected. And she said, now I need to learn how to trust my gut. Moms, trust your instincts on this. You know, in your heart, I just want to encourage you to do this. So here's something really cool this mom did. She said, you know, because we talked at the beginning of this podcast about giving your kids tools, and that's what we love doing. So she said, this morning, he had gotten up late, and we barely had 30 minutes to get ready. And I was feeling my stress levels rise.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

You know what that's like, right? And what do we normally do? Come on, you got to get up, get your clothes on. And we start rushing our kids, and they tend to go more slowly. And she said, I decided not to give into it, and instead I pretended that. That I was a news reporter. So when my son came into the kitchen, I said, and in the news this morning is a kid who's about to show us how he can get ready for school in 30 minutes. Are you up for a challenge? And then she said, I presented my fake mic to him and asked him that, and he giggled and said, yes. And guess what happened? Moms and dads, he was dressed, had breakfast, and was ready in 20 minutes, which is record time. And here's what we learned from this. We didn't control the child's behavior. What this mom did courageously and very wisely is she controlled her own anxiety. She switched this situation around from, why did you sleep in late? Now we're in a hurry. Now we're going to be late. Now we're in a hurry, right? And we sabotage ourselves all the time. And instead, this mom controlled her own anxiety. She turned it into something fun. She made it a challenge. And her son stepped up and guess, look, this is the practical side of that. Two days ago, it would have been, get ready, come on, you're late. You gotta hurry. And then maybe a kid with a little bit of anxiety would be crying in the car, and then the whole ride to school is miserable. The child shows up for school, and he's been rushed and hurried and doesn't feel good about himself. And the day's kind of off to a bad start. And just by controlling herself and having that presence of mind. And that's why I encourage you. We've got a big Mother's Day sale. Listen to the programs. They're right on an easy app, right? You listen right on your phone while you're doing stuff during the day. Do it while you're at the office. Your boss isn't going to know what you're listening to, right? Do it while you're right. It probably, probably help you with your actual work by just controlling yourself and your own anxiety instead of all of your co workers. But listen, when you're riding in the car, let your kids hear it. I guarantee. Look, I'll give you a challenge. Let a five year old listen to this podcast, even listen to the programs on the app, and I guarantee they'll learn about their brain. They'll be like, mom, yeah, it'll work much better if we do it that way. Start making things a challenge. I'm up for that. Like, let them listen. Let your kids, let your teenagers listen to. You know, we've got the one that Casey recorded for kids that's included in the package. Let your kids listen to that one because it's a kid talking to a kid. Anyway, I'm so proud of this mom. Proud of all the moms out there who work really hard at this. It's such a hard job. And just by controlling yourself and really enjoying your child, this mom enjoyed her son this morning and look what happened. So if you need help, just let us know. That's what we're here for. Reach out to caseyelebratecolm.com take advantage of the Mother's Day sale. It's on all of our products on the website. If we can help you in any way, just let us know. And hopefully this editing job went okay, but don't count on it. I'm going to continue to make these imperfect because I'm still practicing imperfection. So I'm not a freak anymore. Anyway, hey, love you all. Bye.