Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary
Episode Title: “I’m A Bad Kid. I’m Stupid.” Kid Who Works Slowly, Daydreams, Doesn’t Participate. #473
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: April 27, 2025
Introduction
In episode #473 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, delves into the struggles faced by children who work slowly, frequently daydream, and show reluctance to participate in group activities. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children and his practical strategies for parents and teachers, Martin addresses the profound impact these behaviors can have on a child’s self-esteem and development.
The Challenges of Slow Work, Daydreaming, and Non-Participation
Martin begins by presenting a case study of a child facing three primary issues in school:
- Slow Task Completion: [01:20] “They’re getting notes sent home because he’s taking 4:40 minutes to do a class assignment rather than 20 minutes.”
- Daydreaming: [01:20] “He daydreams in class.”
- Lack of Participation: [01:20] “He doesn’t participate in group discussions and projects, and he kind of tunes out a bit.”
These behaviors often lead to negative reinforcement from teachers and parents, causing children to internalize feelings of inadequacy.
The Impact of Negative Internal Dialogue
Martin emphasizes the long-term effects of negative labeling on children:
- Internalization of Limiting Beliefs: [04:15] “I’m slow at doing work, so that means I’m not as smart.”
- Self-Worth Tied to Performance: [04:50] “I’m not worthy of acceptance unless I look a certain way or act a certain way.”
He warns that these internal dialogues can persist into adulthood, sabotaging personal and professional relationships and opportunities.
Shifting the Narrative: Affirming Positive Traits
Instead of focusing on what children are doing wrong, Martin advocates for affirming their strengths:
- Reframing Slow Processing: [10:30] “I process information more slowly because I’m a deep thinker who contemplates many different sides of an issue or problem in my mind before making a decision that helps me develop creative solutions.”
- Encouraging Daydreaming as Imagination: [18:45] “Kids who daydream have a really good imagination. It’s usually a sign of a really bright kid... It helps stimulate their brains and actually keep them awake.”
Strategies for Parents
Martin provides actionable steps for parents to protect and nurture their child's confidence:
- Affirming Strengths: [25:00] “For the next two weeks, your only job is to affirm the things that your kids are already doing well.”
- Positive Reinforcement: [30:10] “You are acknowledging truth and teaching them how their brain works.”
He emphasizes that affirmations should be genuine and focus solely on the child’s existing positive behaviors without introducing new expectations.
Collaborating with Schools and Teachers
Navigating the educational system can be challenging, but Martin offers strategies to align school environments with a child’s unique needs:
- Communicating with Teachers: [35:20] “I release you from the pressure of trying to make our kids do their work more quickly to be like everybody else.”
- Encouraging Teacher Support: [40:05] “Hey, I’m curious. What are you thinking about? What are you contemplating?”
By fostering open dialogue with educators, parents can create a supportive network that values the child’s natural cognitive style.
Emphasizing Unique Gifts and Talents
Martin stresses the importance of recognizing and cultivating each child’s unique abilities:
- Valuing Deep Thinking: [45:30] “Your creativity and thinking is a great advantage.”
- Promoting Problem-Solving Skills: [50:00] “We need problem solvers, who contemplate hard situations, who are really good thinkers.”
Encouraging children to embrace their strengths helps build a positive self-image and motivates them to leverage their talents effectively.
Practical Examples and Anecdotes
Through relatable stories, Martin illustrates how small changes in perspective can transform a child’s experience:
- Adjusting Teacher Expectations: [55:15] “He explained his reasoning, but he still gets notes sent home because the teacher isn’t happy with how quickly he’s completing assignments.”
- Positive Classroom Interventions: [60:45] “You could say, ‘I love that you’re a thinker. Let me know what you discover.’”
These examples highlight the profound difference that supportive language and understanding can make in a child’s academic and personal life.
Conclusion
Kirk Martin wraps up the episode by reinforcing the critical role parents and educators play in shaping a child’s internal dialogue. By shifting focus from fixing behaviors to affirming strengths, adults can help children develop a resilient and positive self-image. Martin encourages listeners to implement these strategies over the next week and observe the transformative impact on their children’s confidence and overall well-being.
Notable Quotes:
-
On Internal Dialogue:
“Your number one priority should be to protect your child’s confidence and internal dialogue fiercely…” [07:30] -
On Affirming Strengths:
“I process information more slowly because I’m a deep thinker who contemplates many different sides of an issue…” [10:30] -
On Daydreaming:
“Kids who daydream have a really good imagination. It’s usually a sign of a really bright kid…” [18:45] -
On Communicating with Teachers:
“I release you from the pressure of trying to make our kids do their work more quickly to be like everybody else.” [35:20] -
On Encouraging Teachers:
“You could say, ‘I love that you’re a thinker. Let me know what you discover.’” [60:45]
Final Thoughts
This episode serves as a powerful reminder for parents to focus on their children’s inherent strengths rather than conforming them to societal expectations. By fostering an environment of affirmation and understanding, parents and educators can help children develop into confident, creative, and resilient individuals.
For more resources and support, visit www.CelebrateCalm.com or email Casey@CelebrateCalm.com.