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Calm Parenting Podcast
“I’m A Bad Kid. I’m Stupid.” Kid Who Works Slowly, Daydreams, Doesn’t Participate. #473
00:26:03
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Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
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So do you have a child who doesn't follow directions well? Or maybe they're slow at completing tasks, don't like group projects or they daydream? Or you can choose like 15 other behaviors that irritate us as adults. If I had one thing I would say is most important for your child's development. It definitely does not have to do with good behavior or conforming to arbitrary societal standards or even grades. Those are things that parents focus on. But I don't want you to. So in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I I will share with you the one priority that I would focus on more than any other. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com and guess what? It is the first day of our Mother's Day sale and this is one of our big sales of the year because I want you to have the tools to change your family. And every year this is when moms send their husbands messages and say, look, you don't have to stress and worry about this. Get me this. Work on it. Listen to the programs yourself. Change yourself. You will be golden. That's all you have to do. So here's the situation. I was working with this really great couple whose child was struggling with three issues in school. And even if these three don't apply to your child, the principles and Action. Steps we discuss in this episode are really important. So here's what this child is struggling with. They're getting notes sent home because he's taking 4:40 minutes to do a class assignment rather than 20 minutes. So he works slowly, which is many of your kids. Number two, he daydreams in class. And third, he doesn't participate in group discussions and projects, and he kind of tunes out a bit. So let's think about this for a moment. This is a kid, a child who is getting in trouble for being made to feel like there is something wrong with him, simply for being who he is, for the way his brain is made, for how he was created. I want you to be aware of this because these subtle messages begin to form this internal dialogue that can last a lifetime and form limiting beliefs that affect every. Look, most of us have these limiting beliefs that we internalize when we were kids, and they're still affecting us. So your number one priority should be to protect your child's confidence and internal dialogue fiercely, because this is what will guide your kids, consciously or not, for the rest of their lives. Just think what is beginning to form in this child's mind and heart already. Remember those three things. He works slowly, daydreams, doesn't participate in class. So here's what he's starting to internalize. I'm slow at doing work, so that means I'm not as smart. I shouldn't be so slow. Hear that word? Shouldn't? It's kind of an evil word, right? There's that negative internal judgment beginning to take shape in this child's little brain and heart already. Being slow is bad. I'm not as good as others. Other kids are better and smarter than me. Something is wrong with me because I'm slow. I shouldn't be thinking this way. I need to be faster like everybody else. The only way I've ever known to process information is apparently wrong and not good enough. So I have to deny who I am and become someone else in order to be accepted by teachers and parents and in order to be as good and smart as my peers. Look, can you see how devastating that can be? And this is from one simple thing that's happening early in their lives. And I've pointed this out before, but it's worth mentioning again. Our kids, who are who they are. It's how they were born and created. This is the way their brains work. It's all they've ever known. They didn't make a conscious choice to be like this. It's. It's Just their nature. And look, many of your kids, they're just slower processors of information. That's how their brain works. And they see patterns. And it's actually advantageous in many situations, but in this one, it's seen as a negative. And it's how they're made. It's their nature. And then we as parents, teachers, sometimes churches, society, begin labeling them as bad and wrong and trying to change their very nature. And then we wonder why they're not motivated by why they lash out at the good sibling. See, there's resentment there because my sibling is so good. And they work fast and they get their homework done more quickly, and everybody loves them. And it's why they often express anger and defiance as they get older. Because as they get older, this morphs into people. People don't understand me or value me or my unique gifts. Some of you are grown adults and you feel like that right now. I am less than. And we don't want to go there with our kids because some of us have spent a lifetime trying to retrain ourselves from those beliefs. Some of you are still guided by a negative or limiting internal dialogue, Right? Well, I'm only worthy of people's love and acceptance when I'm good or I do what they ask. You learn that from your parents. Well, when I don't, then I'm bad and not worthy of their love. See, I'm not really as smart as my sibling. I'm too short, too tall, too round, too thin. I'm not worthy of acceptance unless I look a certain way or act a certain way. I don't really deserve a good partner who puts me first. Many of you believe that right now. And I don't want that to. To be reinforced with our kids. Here's another one that many of our kids, and many of you, I'm not really capable of accomplishing this. I'm lazy. I'm not smart. I'm not qualified enough. How many of you struggle with that? That's why some people never jump in and use their gifts and talents. They continually have to get one more certification. I just need to take one more class, one more degree before I can do what I was meant to do. And you may be like that or you've known someone like that. Somewhere along the line, someone drilled it into you that you're not good enough and you're not qualified enough. So you keep getting those degrees and certifications because you're trying to get that approval from the outside. But it has to come from within. And these limiting beliefs will sabotage you in your personal life. You'll choose a partner that's not good for you because you think that you're not worthy of. Of having a partner who's kind and giving and who serves you and loves you for who you are. It will sabotage you professionally. You won't get the right job because you haven't broken free of those. So let's not put those shackles on our kids. And by the way, respect to you moms and dads for working through these childhood issues and those limiting beliefs. It's bad enough that you and I have them, but I want to break that generational pattern now. And that's what we're kind of. That's what we're about. So let's not put these shackles on your kids because this can start at age 2 and 3 and 7 and 14, and it can last a lifetime and sabotage kind of everything in their life. So what if, though we began to counter this, what if this child began to have this internal dialogue instead? I process information more slowly because I'm a deep thinker who contemplates many different sides of an issue or problem in my mind before making a decision that helps me develop creative solutions. I'm a problem solver. My brain works exactly how it is supposed to. And I will continue to cultivate that deeper thinking. It helps me be creative and see the world in different ways. See my deliberate thinking, my contemplation, my creativity. Oh, those are unique advantages. I'm like a craftsman who takes his time building thoughts, building hypotheses, building solutions to hard problems. By the way, a funny aside. Also building arguments against my parents, but right, because that's part of it. They see patterns in things. It is a superpower in life. And they need to know that I am an asset to other people and to mankind. And I need to cultivate this thinking style in order to serve others and help provide solutions. Companies will reward me precisely because I do think differently than others. I take my time, I'm conscientious, I'm a good thinker, and that will serve me well in life. That is what I want your child believing about himself or herself throughout their entire lives. There's nothing conceited or prideful about that. This child is just recognizing this is how I'm created. And it's good. So what are you writing on the slate of your child's heart and mind? With your daily words, with your attitude, with your body posture, with your reactions? Look, the truth is we've all messed up because we're human. So you know what I'm going to say. There's no blame, no guilt, but let's course correct here and begin affirming your kids relentlessly and teaching them that the way they're made is good instead of just trying to fix them all the time. So for the next two weeks, your only job is to affirm the things that your kids are already doing well. And you don't get to add, whoa. But if you would just apply yourself, you could be much better. No, you just affirm what they're already doing well, this is not fake praise. You are acknowledging truth and teaching them how their brain works. Now, look, I could stop the podcast here, and I'm kind of tempted to, but let's keep going because we've got more work to do. So, next, we can try and get the school and teachers on board with this, but do know if that. If you can't, you have to unilaterally make decisions that are in the best interest of your child. And it's hard, but necessary. At one point, I talked to Casey's teachers and said, hey, we both have the same goal. We want to cultivate a curious child who loves to learn. And I appreciate that you love our son so much and you want him to learn, so you give him homework. I do want you to know that every single night, we learn in our home. But we will not always complete homework assignments. We are always learning by playing, experimenting, talking, reading, watching things. But we're not always going to complete homework. And it's okay if you mark his grade down, because we're not really interested in grades. We just want to raise a curious kid who loves to learn. Look, I promise you moms and dads. Oh, by the way, sometimes teachers are really grateful because I would go in and say, I release you from thinking you need to give our son homework. And it's tough for teachers, so at times they were like, oh, good, because I don't really like doing it anyway. But I do promise you, when your kids are grown, you will regret having fought over something so arbitrary and unimportant as homework for years on end. It's just not worth it. And again, use wisdom versus little kids versus kids in high school. But our job as parents, as. As teachers is to understand each child's unique giftings and then spend most of our time cultivating their unique gifts, talents, and passions, not fixing them. Look, we've been given a child to form and to sculpt, but instead, sometimes we just break that mold. And try to make them be like everybody else. And I don't want to do that anymore because it is devastating for our kids. So we're going to make a switch, a transition from trying to change their nature or behavior to using their gifts, talents, and passions to their advantage. So in this case, the teacher is so hyper focused on getting this kid to work more quickly. But that's an artificial, arbitrary standard and you really have to wrestle with these things. I worked in the corporate world for 20 years. I really never had to complete an assignment in 20 minutes versus 40 minutes. I just had to come up with good solutions and ideas and strategies. But it wasn't always like, you've got to do this a little bit more quickly and think what we miss. So often. In this particular case, this is a kid who. And this is reality in reading comprehension, this child had actually given an answer to a question that was not included as being correct in the teacher's guide. So the teacher marked the answer as being wrong, but it wasn't wrong. It just wasn't in the teacher guide. So this kid explained his reasoning, but he still gets notes sent home because the teacher isn't happy with how quickly he's completing assignments. And we're missing the entire point. He's a good thinker. He's a problem solver. And my challenge to the administration, to school leaders, and maybe to you as parents is this. Are you sending notes home to the parents of the kids who speed through their assignments, who mindlessly regurgitate what they think the teacher wants to hear without thinking through different options? Are you lamenting that these kids aren't more creative, deep thinking problem solvers? Then why are you doing that to our kids based on arbitrary criteria that you have chosen? See, the teacher could turn it around and say, hey, come here, Ethan. I'll give you extra credit if you come up with an answer that is not in the teacher's guide or that none of the other students write. See, now you're encouraging that trait and gift instead of saying, there's something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. You're like, man, I love the way you think. Here's a challenge. See if you can come up with a new idea. Think now. Just think what would that do to this child's confidence and internal dialogue? And again, we're not saying, oh, the other kids are idiots and you're smarter. We're just saying, you think differently. And I value that trait. Companies will value that trait. Why don't we try that? One of the things I like to do with teachers is to say, look, I release you from the pressure of trying to make our kids do their work more quickly to be like everybody else. It's not a life skill that's necessary as the parents. We don't even value that or want that. So you can relax and look, we're okay if our child takes a little longer to do the assignment. Just chill. It's all okay. So think about this one. The child is getting in trouble for daydreaming in class and doesn't like group projects. So let me address group projects really quickly. Let's stop stigmatizing kids who like working independently or who don't have or don't want a big friend group. It's perfectly healthy. There's nothing wrong with that. Here is my warning for the parents, for all of us. Do not project your own social preferences on your kids. Well, I like having a lot of friends. Well, good for you. I don't. I think people are irritating. I'm kidding. I just prefer a close knit group of a few guys that I can have deeper talks with. But those are just preferences that we have. And look, of course your kids don't want to participate in group projects. Normalize that. These are independent leaders who have very definitive ideas of how they want to do things. They're born to be entrepreneurs and leaders, more than just corporate consensus. People see how that works. So here's how I help Casey navigate this. Look, of course, because I love that phrase, of course you don't want to participate. So look, when you have a group activity, volunteer to answer a question from the teacher early on. That way you get the check mark that you participated, but then you can kind of tune out. And I know some of you are going to be like, you can't teach your child to do that. Why? It's how I navigated social get togethers in the corporate world for years. Oh, we're gonna meet after work at the bar. Well, I didn't want to go. I. Look, I didn't want to hang out with these people at work. I only did it because I had to feed my family. So after work it's like, oh, now I'm gonna go hang out with you for a few more hours and fake like I'm interested in you. I would just want to go home. So you had to do it. So what would happen? I would show up at the bar or the restaurant and I'd walk into the group where my boss was and I would tell some story or ask a few questions. I got my check mark, a little bit of kind of facetime with the boss. That showed that I was there and engaged. Then I'd kind of slink away, maybe go get a drink, disappear to the bathroom, and then I'd sneak out to my car and go home where I really wanted to be. You know what that was called? It was called being smart. So don't discount those things. Don't force a kid to participate in group activities. I know. Well, you have to collaborate in life. Not always. You really don't. Why do you think I own my own business? I don't like collaborating. I have a specific way. I like to do things, and I want to do it that way. And I don't care if other people don't like the way it's done. I like doing it this way. So chill with that. Most jobs don't even require that. And the truth is, your child will gravitate toward jobs where they get to work with fewer people, more independently, probably starting their own business one day. So think about this. At recess, most of the kids are off kicking a ball around. And yet your child is. If he's playing with it. Well, look, if your child's playing with the other kids, most likely he's cheating, stealing the ball. And the kids don't like him a lot because that's. Our kids aren't always great at team sports. Sometimes they're not great at playing games with other kids. But more likely, your child is off on his or her own, completely content and happy, and we miss that. Sometimes they're not like when they're left alone in the cafeteria. Way back in the day, when we had these camp kids, I used to go and go to lunch with many of these kids because they were just sitting alone. And there was this one awesome kid, and he would read a book by himself. So you know what I would do? I would just go in and I would take my own book, and I would just sit with him, and we would both read. We didn't even talk a whole lot. But that way, at least he wasn't alone. So I kind of get that. But a lot of our kids are happy being alone. And so your child is out at recess instead of playing ball games, looking up around, trying to figure something out. And so here are two options. See, instead of the teacher going over and saying, hey, why don't you go play ball with the other kids? Which, by the way, shows a stunning lack of awareness. It's clear this kid isn't good at sports. So why would he want to expose himself to getting teased and feeling like a failure. So instead, the teacher could go over and say this. Hey, I'm curious. What are you thinking about? What are you contemplating? And then your child says, well, I was trying to figure out how this electrical line connects with school and if there's a more efficient way to heat the classroom in the winter. See, that's many of your kids. They are old souls. And now the teacher gets to say, you know what the world needs more of? Certainly not just kids kicking a ball. Now, look, you don't say that, right, like dopey kids kicking a ball. But you can't say that. But you could say, you know what? We need more. More of not just people following the rules, but we need people like you, who are problem solvers, who contemplate hard situations, who are really good thinkers, who aren't afraid to tackle hard problems. You know what? I'm glad you're in my class. Hey, let me know what you discover. Now, can you imagine what starts to happen to the child's internal dialogue when adults start coming along and saying things like that? Instead of trying to change him to be like all the other kids kicking a ball around, why can't you be like them? Why aren't you athletic? Why aren't you better at that? And why are you off by yourself? And there's something wrong with you, right? Because they begin to internalize and hear like you're a little weirdo. That's what they hear and feel. Instead, they begin to say, what? You know what? I love that you're a thinker. You have eyes to look around. Your head isn't staring down into a screen. Right now during recess, you're looking up and trying to contemplate things and how unseen things work. That's awesome. We need more people like you. See, that kid goes home from school and he's like, I'm going to school. Because every day, a principal, a teacher, someone else notices something good about me. And now it encourages them to explore and ask questions. What if you just did that as parents for the next week? Just notice the good stuff that's already there and stop trying to fix all the other things. Okay, quickly, let's talk about daydreaming. Realize that kids who daydream have a really good imagination. It's usually a sign of a really bright kid, because what happens is they listen to class, they get it, what the teacher's talking about, and they don't want to be bored. So then they begin to daydream. It helps stimulate their brains and actually keep them awake. It's a really healthy thing, but we don't always do that. So here's how I would handle that. Look, if I'm in class, I'm not going to draw a lot of attention to it, but sometimes I could walk up to the child and say, hey, where did you just go in your brain? Because I know it's someplace interesting. See, that's a really cool way of entering into your child's world. Now I can bring him back out and say, hey, Ethan, I bet my junior Thomas Edison, that awesome inventor, was just using his imagination. And I'd love to hear about that after lunch. But right now, I'd love to hear what your great brain thinks about what we're talking about on page 58. So I don't have to put him down for daydreaming and having an imagination. And I also don't have to say, it's okay if you don't pay attention. I brought them back to class to where we were. But here's what I'd really like to do. Sometime when we're not in the middle of class, I pull the child aside and say, ethan, one of the things I admire most about you is you're just a great thinker, really deep thinker. And I love that you daydream, because that means you have this great imagination and you use your brain to come up with solutions and answers other kids don't even think about. Now, look, I've noticed that during group projects and discussions, you kind of fade away into your own world, and I get that. But I could really use your participation because I want the other kids to hear your perspective and think more like you, not just repeat the standard answers. See, your creativity and thinking is a great advantage. So could you help me with that? So just think what we just did. We shifted the focus from I. I need to change the child's behavior. Something is wrong with them. 2. I need to cultivate their perspective, their gifts and talents, and I want to show them off. That will build a child's confidence, that will change his or her internal dialogue for the rest of their lives. Can you imagine your child surrounded by you and grandparents and aunts and uncles and teachers coming up and saying, you know what? It's not the way I would have approached that. But, man, I love how you do that differently. I would encourage you send your child's teachers and your family members this podcast episode. If you have our programs, email Casey, we'll share the ADHD University and brain boosters programs with your child's teachers. So they have. There's so many tools in those programs just to help in the classroom. And I'll share it. We'll share the programs with your parents, with aunts and uncles, because I want you on the same page. And I encourage you. Let your kids listen to this. Let them listen to this podcast. I have more testimonials from kids listening to our downloadable programs than anything else, because what they say is, ah, someone finally understands me and knows how I think. And it provokes great conversations. Okay, moms and dads, this week, let's change our perspective, see our kids differently, and begin affirming those good qualities. Much respect to you moms and dads, because you're breaking all these patterns. Let us know how we can help. All right, Love you all. Bye.