Calm Parenting Podcast – Episode #453 Summary: "Kids Anxious, Smashing Toys, Calling You Stupid, Refusing to Eat, AM Routine?"
Release Date: February 26, 2025
Host: Kirk Martin, Founder of Celebrate Calm
Introduction
In Episode #453 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into the challenges parents face when dealing with strong-willed and anxious children. Addressing behaviors such as smashing toys, refusing to eat, calling parents derogatory names, and struggling with morning routines, Kirk provides actionable strategies to foster calmness and understanding within the family dynamic.
Understanding Frustration in Strong-Willed Children
[01:20] Kirk begins by emphasizing the importance of recognizing frustration as a natural and inevitable emotion in strong-willed children. He explains that these children are often driven by their visions and ideas but lack the tools to execute them effectively, leading to frustration when things don't go as planned.
"You want intense kids who get frustrated. You really do. Because what that means is they care about stuff, they're conscientious, they get a vision for what they want to accomplish, but they don't yet have the tools to carry it out."
— Kirk Martin [02:15]
Kirk shares a personal anecdote about his son Casey, highlighting how adults can model healthy frustration management:
"Our son Casey... he's mature and he knows how to proactively handle these things... today he went to ski up a mountain to work off some pent-up frustration. That's a much better way of working it off than drinking or snapping at your wife."
— Kirk Martin [03:30]
Strategies to Manage Frustration Without Consequences
Kirk advocates for acknowledging a child's feelings rather than imposing consequences. Instead of reacting with frustration or punitive measures when a child smashes a toy, he suggests empathetic communication:
"Say, 'Of course you're frustrated because you had an idea that you wanted to carry out and now you can't. I love that you're driven to do that.'"
— Kirk Martin [05:10]
He recommends redirecting the child's energy through physical activities or tasks they can control:
"You could say, 'I'd want to smash that too,' and then give them a task like moving a bag of mulch or twisting the lid off a jar. Motion changes emotion."
— Kirk Martin [07:45]
By providing a safe outlet, children learn to manage their frustrations without escalating into destructive behavior.
Addressing Picky Eating and Food Power Struggles
Kirk challenges the traditional FAFO (Find Out/Fool Around) approach, where parents impose consequences if children refuse to eat:
"If you don't eat your dinner, you're going to go to bed hungry. It's just unnecessary."
— Kirk Martin [11:50]
Instead, he encourages teaching children to take ownership of their food choices by involving them in the cooking process:
"Teach your kids to cook, to heat up their own food in a microwave, but stop the fights over food. It's honestly not necessary."
— Kirk Martin [12:30]
Kirk also touches on underlying anxiety issues that may drive picky eating, suggesting that normalizing these feelings can alleviate power struggles:
"Normalize anxiety. You should feel a little nervous. There's nothing wrong with that."
— Kirk Martin [14:20]
Handling Anxiety and Avoiding Power Struggles
A significant portion of the episode focuses on anxiety-driven behaviors and how they lead to power struggles. Kirk emphasizes the importance of normalizing anxiety for children:
"There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with you. You should feel that way."
— Kirk Martin [16:05]
He advises assigning specific missions or jobs to children to help them focus and feel in control:
"Give your child a specific job to do. When they're focused on completing their job, they're less likely to engage in power struggles."
— Kirk Martin [17:40]
Kirk underscores the importance of providing tools rather than imposing consequences, thereby empowering children to manage their anxiety effectively.
Establishing a Positive Morning Routine
Kirk addresses the common struggle of morning routines with strong-willed children. He shares a practical example of his son Casey's morning routine, highlighting the value of ownership within boundaries:
"I have one goal for you. Every morning, I want you on the school bus or in the carpool at 7:23 AM. That's my goal. I don't care how you get there, as long as you're there on time."
— Kirk Martin [20:10]
This approach allows children to feel a sense of control over their actions while ensuring that essential tasks are completed. Kirk emphasizes the balance between setting clear expectations and allowing flexibility in how children meet those expectations.
Modeling Healthy Behavior and Coping Mechanisms
Throughout the episode, Kirk stresses the importance of modeling healthy frustration management for children. He shares his own coping mechanisms, such as cleaning and organizing, as productive ways to handle stress:
"If your coping mechanism is cleaning and organizing, well, that's productive. That's way better than drinking or yelling at your kids."
— Kirk Martin [19:00]
By demonstrating these behaviors, parents teach children effective ways to manage their emotions, fostering a positive and calm household environment.
Conclusion and Encouragement
Kirk concludes the episode by urging parents to practice these strategies and embrace their children's unique personalities. He encourages open communication and invites listeners to engage with the podcast's programs, stressing the collective journey toward calm and effective parenting.
"Thanks for subscribing to the podcast, sharing it, and just working so hard to change. We respect you so much for that."
— Kirk Martin [24:50]
Key Takeaways
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Embrace Frustration: Recognize that frustration is a natural emotion in strong-willed children and use it as an opportunity to teach them coping mechanisms.
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Avoid Punitive Consequences: Instead of imposing consequences, acknowledge emotions and redirect energy through constructive activities.
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Normalize Anxiety: Help children understand that feeling anxious is normal and provide tools to manage these feelings.
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Foster Ownership: Allow children to take ownership of their routines and responsibilities within set boundaries to build independence and confidence.
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Model Healthy Behavior: Demonstrate effective ways to handle frustration and stress, providing a positive example for children to follow.
Additional Resources
- Website: www.CelebrateCalm.com
- Email: Casey@CelebrateCalm.com
- Related Episodes:
- MAJOR Parenting Podcast on Food Issues, Sleep Issues, and Potty Training
- Episode on 5 Ways to Stop Anxiety Driven Power Struggles
By implementing Kirk Martin's strategies, parents can navigate the complexities of raising strong-willed and anxious children with greater ease and confidence, fostering a harmonious and understanding family environment.