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Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

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So how do you handle that child who is like frustrated, wants to smash his toys? What about kids who refuse to eat their dinner? What is a better way to get kids moving without having to go to consequences? What about those kids who are just very particular about things and they get really irritated? How can you de escalate situations without having to go to those consequences, whether they're punitive or natural consequences? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our big winter sale@celebrate calm.com so I got a ton of questions after the most recent podcast on that fafo right the hey f around, fool around, find out I'm going to give the child natural consequences because I really challenged you to think about this in a different way. So I wanted to answer some of those questions. And I also want you to know I am purposefully recording this late at night. Why? Because I'm tired. And sometimes when I'm tired I'm less guarded and I'm a little bit more honest and vulnerable with what I'm really thinking. And I want to share that with you because I just find that it's helpful if I can just say what I really think. And you're always welcome to email and say, hey, I don't really agree with that or, you know, I'm really struggling that you said that because sometimes I talk really fast or if I don't provide enough context. I know this is hard with these kids. I know it would be so much easier if you just had compliant kids and you could tell them simple things like, oh, well, if you don't do that, this is going to happen. And they're like, oh, okay, I understand. I won't do that bad thing now. But that's not the child that you have. And so I deal with reality with the kids that we have. And I guess what I'm kind of feeling is I want you to lean into this and embrace these kids and enjoy these kids. And instead of trying to flip, fight it so much because they are so difficult, I want you to understand their nature and spend some time really learning how they view the world. Because when you can enter into their world, you can lead them back out. And they are amazing kids, but they are not easy to raise. So here was the first question based on the last episode, which is, okay, you said like, you know, a child is frustrated and man, this is so important for our kids. And I know I say it a lot, but I really want to get it through to you. You want intense kids who get frustrated. You really do. Because what that means is they care about stuff, they're conscientious, they get a vision for what they want to accomplish, but they don't yet have the tools to carry it out. And this can be a three year old and it can be a 15, a 15 year old. And so they're not able to carry out their vision. So they get frustrated. And I know what that's like. And when that happens to me, I don't respond with, well, gee whiz, that's too bad. I guess this is an opportunity for me to grow. No, I get really frustrated because I have a vision, I have ideas, I want to carry them out. And you want this in your kids. It just means you're, instead of trying to change them, change how you respond to them. So in this particular situation, it is a kid who's playing with something, just say playing with a toy and they've got this idea of, I want this toy to operate this way, but they don't work that way. And so now they're disappointed and frustrated and they start kind of banging the toy around. And every good parent comes in and says, hey, honey, if you break that toy, you're not going to get another one. Well, you may as well Just say, hey, why don't you go head on a destructive rampage right now and smash your toy and then go through the house and destroy some other stuff that I like because that's what's about to happen. And I get that. But this is not a consequences issue. This is a frustration issue. And the big opportunity, the big win early on is to teach your kids how to handle inevitable frustration. Because it is inevitable. This is their nature. This is who they are going to be the rest of their lives. Our son Casey is 31 now. He is not very different now in these ways than he was when he was a little kid, except that he, he's mature and he knows how to proactively handle these things. We talk about it almost daily. Like even today he went late afternoon, in the evening to go skin up, ski up this local mountain and it's a couple thousand feet and so it's some work and then you've got to ski down it. And he called me, I said, so were you kind of about to be a jerk to your wife? And he said, yeah, I was sitting around all day, I had all this pent up frustration so I needed to go work it off. Well, that's a much better way of working it off than drinking or snapping at your wife or something else. And so here's what I would do with that child. They're getting frustrated and started bang things around. And I know it irritates you and I know like for me, you know what irritates me is the sound of it, of, of, of the toy being pounded against something. I don't like noise. And then there's a part of like, I paid my money to buy you that toy. You're not going to destroy that toy just because it can't do some simple thing that you want it to do. See, there is my grown up bias. And what I'm basically saying is, hey, four year old, eight year old, 13 year old, why don't you act like a 35 year old? Well, they can't because they're not a 35 year old. And that's my own issue there that I'm projecting onto this kid. And the kid is feeling all of that. They can feel your tone, your tone of voice, all of that. So instead I'd walk in and say, you know what, I'd be really frustrated too. Or this one. I love the word, the phrase. Of course, of course you're frustrated because you had an idea that you wanted to, to carry out and now you can't. Well, you Know what I love about you is that you get ideas, that you get a vision for things. I love that you're driven to do that. And what's hard is that you have such big ideas, you can't always carry them out. That's frustrating. See, now I've just spoken right to the child's heart and said, this is what's going on inside, right? Rather than, well, honey, do you want to talk about your feelings? Do you want to identify what you're feeling? There's nothing really wrong with that. But in this case, that 4 year old or 8 or 12 year old's going to swear at you. Yeah, this is what I'm feeling. So you don't always have to ask. You can know that they're frustrated and disappointed a lot. And so rather than creating, watch. This is interesting. Rather than create more frustration, why don't you think about how you're feeling and then we'll just talk about it. No, they need some action. They need to know what to do. You can't talk yourself calm, it makes them more frustrated. You could even say, you know what, I'd want to smash that too. Because it's not listening to you. It's not like obeying what you want it to do. Now, if you have some kind of recent experience handy in your mind, you can say, you know what reminds me, last week I was really trying to fix this in the kitchen and man, it just wouldn't work. And I remember thinking, I just want to smash that. See, now your child is like, you feel that too? Yes, it's a common human feeling that you are going to feel and experience hundreds, if not thousands of times throughout the rest of your life. So here's the key. There's nothing wrong with feeling frustrated and having that urge to throw something, to hit something, to smash something. That's normal. But here's what we're going to do. I want to teach you how to deal with that. So in this case you can say, oh, you know what, I remembered I could really use your help. And this is where I ask them to do something that they feel in control of. And for some of your kids, it can be moving something heavy. Remember, we've used that one a lot. Hey, could you move that bag of mulch? Hey, could you go in the kitchen, get that spaghetti jar out of the pantry for me. Do you think that you could twist that top off for me? See, what you're starting to do is you are teaching them to stop. You are using some movement. You know, our Phrase, motion changes emotion. I'm not going to be like, hey, why don't you just stare at that thing you're frustrated at and we'll talk about it for a while. No, we move away from there because we're moving physically and psychologically out of that space. And then we're giving some space and time. And I'm not standing over the child saying, I'm going to watch you, and if you don't behave the right way, you are going to lose everything that you own. No, I give them little space where I'm not watching them. Something they're in control of. And you can even relate this to your kids, if appropriate. Look, we all do these things. What is your go to when you're getting really frustrated and you're like, steam is coming out of your head and you just want to rip into your kids? How many of you go to your kitchen sink and you just clean. You clean whatever's in the kitchen sink, or you do that before bed. Why? Because that gives you a sense of order and structure. Because inside you're like, the rest of my life is out of control. I can't control my kids or my spouse, but my sink is spotless. Some of you go and organize a closet. And I said that once on Instagram. And my mom's like, why did you call me out for my coping mechanism? I'm like, I'm not coping you out. That's a perfectly healthy coping mechanism. If your coping mechanism is cleaning and organizing, well, that's productive. I think that's pretty good. That's way better than drinking or yelling at your kids. So watch this. This is cool. And this is why I didn't prepare all this, because I want to be tired and think of these things. You are now teaching your child how life works. It's not like you over here, child over there. And now I've got to discipline that child over there. No, we're living life together, and I'm showing you I'm the adult, and I get frustrated with things. That's what I began to teach Casey. I was like, casey, I get frustrated, and here's what I found in life. When I stay there and keep trying to work on it, I get frustrated more and more and more. And I start to swear because you hear me. And then I start to, like, just bang it because I'm a man. And that's why you kick it. So it fixes it and it makes it worse. But I found when I walk away and do something else that I'm actually good at or feel mastery over. Then when I go back to it, my head is clear, my vision is clear, and I can see it differently. And then I don't have to live with regret because otherwise I might break something in anger like you were about to break your toy. But I know what that would feel like. Afterwards, you'd be mad at yourself and me. Probably you'd be mad because you broke your toy, but because you walked away and did something else. Your toy's still there and now we can go back. See, you're living life with them and you're modeling it for them. And I think that is an amazingly huge opportunity to have with your kids. So we just moved into a new home with no landscaping, so we were thrilled to discover Fast Growing Trees. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. No more wasting your weekend driving around being overwhelmed by big garden centers that don't have what you want. 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So you have to have both. And that's why AG1 helps my digestion, calms my stomach, and keeps me regular. Look, I've loved my morning AG1 routine for years, long before AG1 became a wonderful partner to the podcast. It's a quick, easy win because I start my day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients. I just don't have that stomach distress anymore where that bloating, you know, that kind of interferes with your day and puts you on edge. Plus my weight is down. I've got energy for this hiking season. I'm drinking my Ag one right now, while I'm recording this, and I think you should as well, AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, which I love, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to be kind to your gut. Okay, Another one of those F around and find out examples is, hey, if you don't eat your dinner, you're going to go to bed hungry. And I'll just be honest. It's just unnecessary. And I know some of you are like, well, that's the way it happened to me as a kid. Okay? But that doesn't mean you have to keep perpetuating that you didn't like as a kid. You don't have to keep doing it. It also doesn't mean you have to, like, fix 18 separate meals for your kids and give in to them. Just stop fighting over food. Look, if I came to your house and you said that to me, I'd hate you. Because some nights I'm just not in the mood to eat certain things. Like tonight I did a really big, hard hike through the snow today. And when I came home, I just didn't want to eat this big meal for some reason. And I wanted. We've got this really great. Some friends gave us this venison sausage and goat cheese. And it was just. That's what I wanted tonight. And so it's not like, oh, you're a picky eater. I don't know. Maybe I am, but maybe it's just I have certain preferences on certain days, like we all do. So teach your kids to cook, to heat up their own food in a microwave, but stop the fights over food. It's honestly not necessary. And if you do struggle. A couple weeks ago, I did a podcast on food issues, sleep issues, and potty training. Look that one up. Okay? Anxiety issues. And this is one of the reasons that the whole kind of natural consequences thing just doesn't always work with our kids, because there's usually something happening underneath the surface. A lot of you have kids who struggle with anxiety. Anxiety is caused by unknowns, so they don't want to do new things. So when you try to get them to go to that new Taekwondo class, they end up saying, taekwondo is stupid. You're stupid. I'm not going. You can't make me. And they say whatever they can, you know? You know why? Because they Want you to give them a consequence. You know what? Go to your room for the rest of the night, rest of the week. No food, no video games. You know why? Because it's safe up in their room. They just got what they wanted, which is, I'm nervous about going to that new place because I might be rejected by other kids. The adult might not be that patient with me. I might not be good at taekwondo, and that makes me a failure. And. And then I'm going to want to quit and dad's going to say, we don't raise quitters in this home. And there's going to be a big power struggle and tears. So just send me to my room because I can deal with that. I'm used to that. So the real answer to that is. And I'm going to do a shortened version if you want the longer one. I did a podcast, 5 Ways to Stop Anxiety Driven Power Struggles last May. It's really good. So listen to that one. But two quick things. One, I normalize anxiety, right? You should be anxious, you should feel a little nervous. Your stomach should be a little bit upset because you are going to a new place you've never been to. You don't know who the instructor is, if he's going to be patient, is he going to be a good guy? Not so good a guy. You don't know anyone who's going to be there, and you've never done this before. So that's very normal. And if you can relate it and say, yeah, I feel the same way when I have to go to parties or business get togethers or I have to do a presentation for other clients. My stomach is upset. Upset. That's normal. See, you're normalizing. You're not excusing it, but you normalize it. And that's like, so there's nothing wrong with me, there's nothing wrong with you. You should feel that way. And so then I always give kids a mission. I want the adult, wherever they are, to give your child a specific job to do. Because then when they're going to that new place, they're focused on completing their job again, something they're in control of. Listen, that other podcasts will be really helpful. But here's the point again. I have a child who is struggling with anxiety and instead of going like, you know what? If you don't go, you're going to lose X and Y and giving a consequence. You can't give a consequence for anxiety. Instead, what I'm doing is saying, you are probably going to Struggle with this for the rest of your life. And that's normal because everybody has things they struggle with. Let me give you some tools in order to handle that. When it inevitably comes up on a regular basis. And now I'm starting to. Okay, I normalize it. Nothing's wrong with me. Oh. When I go to a business meeting, I arrive early. I focus on a specific job to do because that counters the unknowns you're teaching, you're showing. All right, now this is a cool one. Let's say there's a. So this is very common. When it's a. Let's say it's a mom is taking her daughter to her riding lessons, and the daughter is putting on her riding boots. But like many of your kids, this daughter is very, very particular about how things feel. Like, some weeks those socks feel right, and some weeks they don't. And her boots this day just aren't feeling right. So she's starting to kind of throw around her boots a little bit. Now here's your moment of decision, because you can go with F, a, F, O. Right. F around. You'll find out. Young lady, young lady, if you do not treat your boots right, you will not ride that horse. And you know what? You're. I guarantee $100,000. I don't have a hundred thousand. A thousand dollars. How about that? $100. That's. I told you, I'm tired. I'll bet you a million dollars, right, that. Here's what's going to happen. Fine. I don't want to even ride the stupid horse. This is right. Your boots are dumb. You know what? Sarah's mom actually buys her nice boots. Not these dumb boots that don't fit. Oh, and now you're going to go into a rage. Why? Because this entitled little snot. I can't believe that she would act like this. I never got to ride when I was a child. I go out of my way to drive her 45 minutes to this farm, and then I'm going to miss. Right. Like, all the legitimate things that you're upset about that you didn't get to do as a kid, and you spend way too much money. And why can't she be grateful and thankful? And is she going to grow up to be an entitled brat? I get. Get all that. And that's why you have to control your own anxiety in these situations. Because otherwise you're going to lay into her and say things you shouldn't say about her. And she will start to internalize that. Be like, oh, I know that's how you really feel about me, Mom. But instead, this can be solved without really any words said. Mom is watching her daughter get frustrated. And, you know, I've said this a million times, nobody likes to be watched or corrected while they're frustrated. And so mom says, oh, honey, I'm getting a call. Mom fakes like she's getting a phone call, steps out of the barn, gives her daughter two or three minutes to wrestle with her emotions, to wrestle with her frustration and wrestle with those boots. And when mom comes back into the barn, guess what? The daughter has her boots on, smile on her face, ready to go ride her horse like nothing had happened. See, that's a lot better way to handle. Okay, I'm going to try to fit one more in here. I didn't think I'd be able to do it. Morning routine. This is one of my favorite things. And so look, I like the general concept of like, the fafo. I like the concept of like, my job is not to control everything. And I'm going to give you some power, some ownership over your choices within my boundaries. So, quick version of this, I tell my son, hey, Case, here's the deal. I have one goal for you. Every morning. I want you on the school bus or in the carpool at 7:23am every morning. Here's the thing. That's my goal. I don't care what you look like, what you smell like. I don't care what's in your stomach. If you are smart enough to wear the clothes to bed that you are going to wear to school the next day, that is brilliant. You can sleep until 7:21, roll out of bed, grab that Pop Tart that I know you hid under your bed, and you can run out to the bus. I don't even care if you have shoes on. You could keep some shoes on the bus. Doesn't matter to me. All I want, 7:23, on that bus, in that car. And if at the end of the day, he made the bus on time, fist bump. Hey, nice job making the bus. Now inside. I hate the way my child made the bus. You and I have control issues. We know the easier, better, more effective way to do it. We want our kids to get up and get exercise and sensory pressure met and eat blueberries and avocados so their brain is ready to learn. And I want them to look nice so they can represent our family well. I want all of those things, too, but the idea of ownership. And I would go back and listen to the January 1 episode because we went through this in a lot of detail. You have to give strong will kids ownership of their choices just within your boundaries. See, I'm not saying like, hey, if you want to get ready in the morning, if you do want to do your homework, if you want to do your chores, oh, no, those things are getting done. I relinquish control over how you get those things done. Because strong will kids want to do things in a different way, in a weird way, and it will irritate you. And so that's the hard part. One of the hard parts of raising these kids is they're going to do things differently. And it's not going to be the easy way. And I know you want them to, but they want to do it the hard way. They want to touch the hot stove. They want to figure it out themselves. And if you will give them some space to do it, eventually, I promise you, they will come back and do it the way that you have modeled for them. But they want to figure it out for themselves first. And so this is not a consequences. None of these things required natural consequences or punitive consequences. They involve giving your kids tools to handle things differently and some ownership. Practice that this week, look for opportunities to turn some things over to your kids and say, hey, I'm going to step back, control my own anxiety, my own control issues. I'm going to give you space to step up and do things even if they irritate me, because I trust that you can get that done. That is a beautiful phrase. I, I believe that you're capable of getting this done. Okay, so let your kids listen to this podcast. If you have our programs, let your kids listen and ask their opinion. It's really cool because your kids have definite opinions and say, what could we begin doing differently? What could you begin doing differently? And listen to them. It's cool, cool, cool thing to engage them in this process. Okay, love you moms and dads. Thanks for working so hard at this. Thanks for subscribing to the podcast, sharing it, and just working so hard to change. We respect you so much for that. Bye.