Kids Anxious, Smashing Toys, Calling You Stupid, Refusing to Eat, AM Routine? #453

Wed Feb 26 2025

I love this podcast. I recorded this while tired so I'd be more vulnerable and direct without filters. It's packed with practical strategies and insights for tough situations when natural consequences don't work. Get scripts for what to do when kids smash toys and break things, refuse to eat or go to a new activity, call you "stupid" and struggle with morning routine.

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast - Episode #453: Kids Anxious, Smashing Toys, Calling You Stupid, Refusing to Eat, AM Routine?

Release Date: February 26, 2025
Host: Kirk Martin, Founder of Celebrate Calm

Introduction

In Episode #453 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into practical strategies for managing strong-willed children who exhibit challenging behaviors such as anxiety, aggression, picky eating, and resistance to morning routines. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk provides actionable insights to help parents navigate and de-escalate power struggles without resorting to punitive measures.

Embracing the Nature of Your Child’s Frustration

Understanding Frustration as a Developmental Trait

Kirk emphasizes that frustration is an inherent part of a strong-willed child's nature. He explains,

“You want intense kids who get frustrated. You really do. Because what that means is they care about stuff, they're conscientious, they get a vision for what they want to accomplish, but they don't yet have the tools to carry it out.”
— Kirk Martin [05:30]

Rather than viewing frustration as a negative trait to be eliminated, Kirk encourages parents to see it as a sign of a child's deep investment in their ideas and goals. This perspective shift allows parents to respond more empathetically and effectively.

Shifting Parental Responses

Instead of imposing consequences for frustration-driven behaviors, Kirk suggests altering how parents react to these situations. For instance, when a child starts smashing a toy out of frustration, instead of issuing a threat like, “If you break that toy, you won’t get another one,” parents can acknowledge the child’s feelings and offer constructive outlets:

“I love the phrase. Of course, you're frustrated because you had an idea that you wanted to carry out and now you can't. Let me give you some tools to handle that.”
— Kirk Martin [08:15]

Strategies to De-escalate Power Struggles

Modeling Emotional Regulation

Kirk shares a personal anecdote about his son, Casey, to illustrate effective emotional regulation:

“When I walked away and did something else that I’m good at or feel mastery over, then when I go back to it, my head is clear, my vision is clear, and I can see it differently.”
— Kirk Martin [09:45]

By demonstrating how to manage his own frustrations, Kirk models positive behavior for his children, teaching them to take breaks and return to challenging tasks with a clearer mindset.

Engaging Physical Movement

In moments of heightened frustration, Kirk recommends introducing physical activities to help children shift their emotional state:

“Motion changes emotion. We move physically and psychologically out of that space, and then we give some space and time.”
— Kirk Martin [10:30]

Simple actions like moving a heavy object or helping with a household task can provide the necessary distraction and physical outlet to reduce tension.

Giving Space and Control

Allowing children some autonomy during stressful moments empowers them to take control of their emotions:

“I give them little space where I'm not watching them. Something they're in control of.”
— Kirk Martin [11:10]

By removing the immediate pressure of a parent’s scrutiny and letting children manage their own responses, parents can foster independence and self-regulation.

Addressing Anxiety-Driven Behavior

Normalizing Anxiety

Kirk stresses the importance of validating a child’s anxious feelings:

“You should be anxious, right? You should feel a little nervous... That’s very normal.”
— Kirk Martin [13:20]

Normalization helps children understand that their feelings are common and manageable, reducing the stigma and internal pressure associated with anxiety.

Assigning Specific Missions

To counteract anxiety, Kirk recommends giving children specific, manageable tasks:

“Give your child a specific job to do. Because then when they're going to that new place, they're focused on completing their job again, something they're in control of.”
— Kirk Martin [14:10]

This approach redirects their focus from their fears to actionable goals, enhancing their sense of control and competence.

Avoiding Punitive Consequences

Instead of punitive measures, Kirk advises providing tools and strategies for children to handle their anxiety:

“You can’t give a consequence for anxiety. Instead, what I'm doing is saying, you are probably going to struggle with this for the rest of your life... Let me give you some tools to handle that.”
— Kirk Martin [15:00]

This method fosters resilience and equips children with lifelong skills to manage their emotions.

Navigating Morning Routines with Strong-Willed Children

Establishing Clear Goals and Flexibility

Kirk shares his approach to managing morning routines with his son, Casey:

“I have one goal for you. Every morning, I want you on the school bus or in the carpool at 7:23 am... I relinquish control over how you get those things done.”
— Kirk Martin [16:20]

By setting clear objectives while allowing children the freedom to achieve them in their own way, parents can reduce conflicts and empower their children to take ownership of their responsibilities.

Encouraging Ownership Within Boundaries

Giving children ownership within defined limits supports their independence without sacrificing necessary routines:

“Give your kids ownership of their choices just within your boundaries. Trust that they can get that done.”
— Kirk Martin [17:05]

This balance between guidance and autonomy helps children develop self-discipline and accountability.

Practical Applications and Takeaways

Implementing Coping Mechanisms

Kirk emphasizes the importance of parents managing their own stress to model effective coping strategies for their children:

“If your coping mechanism is cleaning and organizing, well, that's productive. That's way better than drinking or yelling at your kids.”
— Kirk Martin [12:50]

By maintaining their own composure, parents create a stable environment conducive to positive child behavior.

Engaging in Open Communication

Encouraging children to express their opinions and participate in problem-solving fosters mutual respect and collaboration:

“Let your kids listen to this podcast. If you have our programs, let your kids listen and ask their opinion. It’s really cool because your kids have definite opinions and say, what could we begin doing differently?”
— Kirk Martin [18:30]

This engagement promotes a sense of partnership and shared responsibility within the family.

Consistent Practice and Patience

Kirk advises parents to consistently apply these strategies and remain patient as their children develop new coping mechanisms:

“Practice that this week, look for opportunities to turn some things over to your kids and say, hey, I’m going to step back, control my own anxiety, my own control issues. I’m going to give you space to step up and do things even if they irritate me.”
— Kirk Martin [19:15]

Consistency and patience are key to reinforcing positive behaviors and achieving long-term success.

Conclusion

In this episode, Kirk Martin provides a comprehensive guide for parents dealing with strong-willed and anxious children. By embracing the inherent frustrations of their children, modeling emotional regulation, and implementing practical strategies for autonomy and ownership, parents can effectively de-escalate power struggles and foster a harmonious家庭 environment. Kirk’s empathetic and actionable advice empowers parents to navigate the complexities of raising resilient and emotionally intelligent children.

Notable Quotes:

“You want intense kids who get frustrated. You really do. Because what that means is they care about stuff, they're conscientious, they get a vision for what they want to accomplish, but they don't yet have the tools to carry it out.”
— Kirk Martin [05:30]
“Motion changes emotion. We move physically and psychologically out of that space, and then we give some space and time.”
— Kirk Martin [10:30]
“You can’t give a consequence for anxiety... Let me give you some tools to handle that.”
— Kirk Martin [15:00]
“I relinquish control over how you get those things done. Because strong will kids want to do things in a different way, in a weird way, and it will irritate you.”
— Kirk Martin [17:05]

Additional Resources

Website: www.CelebrateCalm.com
Contact: Casey@CelebrateCalm.com
Related Episodes:
- Food Issues, Sleep Issues, and Potty Training
- 5 Ways to Stop Anxiety Driven Power Struggles (Last May)

Whether you're struggling with power struggles, anxiety, or morning routines, this episode offers valuable insights to help you and your child thrive together. Subscribe, share, and engage with the Calm Parenting community to continue your journey toward peaceful and effective parenting.

Transcript

A (0:00)

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A (1:41)

You handle that child who is like frustrated, wants to smash his toys? What about kids who refuse to eat their dinner? What is a better way to get kids moving without having to go to consequences? What about those kids who are just very particular about things and they get really irritated? How can you de escalate situations without having to go to those consequences, whether they're punitive or natural consequences? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our big winter sale@celebrate calm.com so I got a ton of questions after the most recent podcast on that fafo, right the hey f around, fool around. Find out. I'm going to give the child natural consequences because I really challenged you to think about this in a different way. So I wanted to answer some of those questions. And I also want you to know I am purposefully recording this late at night. Why? Because I'm tired and sometimes When I'm tired, I'm less guarded and I'm a little bit more honest and vulnerable with what I'm really thinking. And I want to share that with you because I just find that it's helpful if I can just say what I really think. And you're always welcome to email and say, hey, I don't really agree with that, or, you know, I'm really struggling that you said that because sometimes I talk really fast or if I don't provide enough context. I know this is hard with these kids. I know it would be so much easier if you just had compliant kids and you could tell them simple things like, oh, well, if you don't do that, this is going to happen. And they're like, oh, okay, I understand, I won't do that bad thing now. But that's not the child that you have. And so I deal with reality, with the kids that we have. And I guess what I'm kind of feeling is I want you to lean into this and embrace these kids and enjoy these kids. And instead of trying to find, fight it so much because they are so difficult, I want you to understand their nature and spend some time really learning how they view the world. Because when you can enter into their world, you can lead them back out. And they are amazing kids, but they are not easy to raise. So here was the first question based on the last episode, which is, okay, you said like, you know, a child is frustrated and man, this is so important for our kids. And I know I say it a lot, but I really want to get it through to you. You want intense kids who get frustrated. You really do. Because what that means is they care about stuff, they're conscientious, they get a vision for what they want to accomplish, but they don't yet have the tools to carry it out. And this can be a three, a three year old, and it can be a 15 year old. And so they're not able to carry out their vision, so they get frustrated. And I know what that's like. And when that happens to me, I don't respond with, well, gee whiz, that's too bad. I guess this is an opportunity for me to grow. No, I get really frustrated because I have a vision, I have ideas, I want to carry them out. And. And you want this in your kids. It just means you're, instead of trying to change them, change how you respond to them. So in this particular situation, it is a kid who's playing with something, say playing with a toy, and they've got this idea of I want this toy to operate this way, but they don't work that way. And so now they're disappointed and frustrated and they start kind of banging the toy around. And every good parent comes in and says, hey honey, if you break that toy, you're not going to get another one. Well, you may as well just say, hey, why don't you go ahead on a destructive rampage right now and smash your toy and then go through the house and destroy some other stuff that I like because that's what's about to happen. And I get that. But this is not a consequences issue. This is a frustration issue. And the big opportunity, the big win early on is to teach your kids how to handle inevitable frustration. Because it is inevitable. This is their nature. This is who they are going to be the rest of their lives. Our son Casey is 31 now. He is not very different now in these ways than he was when he was a little kid, except that he's mature and he knows how to proactively handle these things. We talk about it almost daily. Like even today he called, he went late afternoon, in the evening to go skin up, ski up this local mountain. And it's a couple thousand feet and so it's some work and then you've got to ski down it. And he called me, I said, so were you kind of about to be a jerk to your wife? And he said, yeah, I was sitting around all day, I had all this pent up frustration so I needed to go work it off. Well, that's a much better way of working it off than drinking or snapping at your wife or something else. And so here's what I would do with that child. They're getting frustrated and started bang things around. And I know it irritates you and I know like for me, you know what irritates me is the sound of it, of the toy being pounded against something. I don't like noise. And then there's a part of like, I paid my money to buy you that toy. You're not going to destroy that toy just because it can't do some simple thing that you want it to do. See, there is my grown up bias. And what I'm basically saying is, hey, four year old, eight year old, 13 year old, why don't you act like a 35 year old? Well, they can't because they're not a 35 year old. And that's my own issue there that I'm projecting onto this kid. And the kid is feeling all of that. They can feel your tone, your tone of voice, all of that. So instead I'd walk in and say, you know what, I'd be really frustrated too. Or this one. I love the phrase. Of course, of course you're frustrated because you had an idea that you wanted to, to carry out and now you can't. Well, you know what I love about you is that you get ideas, that you get a vision for things. I love that you're driven to do that. And what's hard is that you have such big ideas, you can't always carry them out. That's frustrating. See, now I've just spoken right to the child's heart and said, this is what's going on inside, right? Rather than, well, honey, do you want to talk about your feelings? Do you want to identify what you're feeling? There's nothing really wrong with that. But in this case, that 4 year old or 8 or 12 year old is going to swear at you. Yeah, this is what I'm feeling. So you don't always have to ask. You can know that they're frustrated and disappointed a lot. And so rather than creating, watch. This is interesting. Rather than create more frustration, why don't you think about how you're feeling and then we'll just talk about it. No, they need some action. They need to know what to do. You can't talk yourself calm. It makes them more frustrated. You could even say, you know what, I'd want to smash that too. Because it's not listening to you. It's not like obeying what you want it to do. Now, if you have some kind of recent experience handy in your mind, you can say, you know what reminds me, last week I was really trying to fix this in the kitchen and man, it just wouldn't work. And I remember thinking, I just want to smash that. See, now your child is like, you feel that too. Yes, it's a common human feeling that you are going to feel and experience hundreds, if not thousands of times throughout the rest of your life. So here's the key. There's nothing wrong with feeling frustrated and having that urge to throw something, to hit something, to smash something. That's normal. But here's what we're going to do. I want to teach you how to deal with that. So in this case you can say, oh, you know what, I remembered I could really use your help. And this is where I ask them to do something that they feel in control of. And for some of your kids, it can be moving something heavy. Remember, we've used that One a lot. Hey, could you move that bag of mulch? Hey, could you go in the kitchen, get that spaghetti jar out of the pantry for me? Do you think that you could twist that top off for me? See, what you're starting to do is you are teaching them to stop. You are using some movement. You know our phrase motion changes emotion? I'm not going to be like, hey, why don't you just stare at that thing you're frustrated at and we'll talk about it for a while. No, we move away from there because we're moving physically and psychologically out of that space, and then we're giving some space and time. And I'm not standing over the child saying, I'm going to watch you, and if you don't behave the right way, you are going to lose everything that you own. No, I give them little space where I'm not watching them. Something they're in control of. And you can even relate this to your kids, if appropriate. Look, we all do these things. What is your go to when you're getting really frustrated and you're like, steam is coming out of your head and you just want to rip into your kids? How many of you go to your kitchen sink and you just clean. You clean whatever's in the kitchen sink, or you do that before bed. Why? Because that gives you a sense of order and structure. Because inside you're like, the rest of my life is out of control. I can't control my kids or my spouse, but my sink is spotless. Some of you go and organize a closet. And I said that once on Instagram. And my mom's like, why did you call me out for my coping mechanism? I'm like, I'm not coping you out. That's a perfectly healthy coping mechanism. If your coping mechanism is cleaning and organizing, well, that's productive. I think that's pretty good. That's way better than drinking or yelling at your kids. So watch this. This is cool. And this is why I didn't prepare all this, because I want to be tired and think of these things. You are now teaching your child how life works. It's not like you over here, child over there. And now I've got to discipline that child over there. No, we're living life together, and I'm showing you I'm the adult, and I get frustrated with things. That's what I began to teach Casey. I was like, casey, I get frustrated, and here's what I found in life. When I stay there and keep trying to work on it. I get frustrated more and more and more and I start to swear because you hear me, and then I start to, like, just bang it because I'm a man and that's why you kick it. So it fixes it and it makes it worse. But I found when I walk away and do something else that I'm actually good at or feel mastery over, then when I go back to it, my head is clear, my vision is clear, and I can see it differently. And then I don't have to live with regret because otherwise I might break something in anger, like you were about to break your toy. But I know what that would feel like. Afterwards, you'd be mad at yourself in and me. Probably you'd be mad because you broke your toy, but because you walked away and did something else, your toy's still there and now we can go back. See, you're living life with them and you're modeling it for them. And I think that is an amazingly huge opportunity to have with your kids.