Calm Parenting Podcast - Episode #453: Kids Anxious, Smashing Toys, Calling You Stupid, Refusing to Eat, AM Routine?

Release Date: February 26, 2025
Host: Kirk Martin, Founder of Celebrate Calm

Introduction

In Episode #453 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into practical strategies for managing strong-willed children who exhibit challenging behaviors such as anxiety, aggression, picky eating, and resistance to morning routines. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk provides actionable insights to help parents navigate and de-escalate power struggles without resorting to punitive measures.

Embracing the Nature of Your Child’s Frustration

Understanding Frustration as a Developmental Trait

Kirk emphasizes that frustration is an inherent part of a strong-willed child's nature. He explains,

“You want intense kids who get frustrated. You really do. Because what that means is they care about stuff, they're conscientious, they get a vision for what they want to accomplish, but they don't yet have the tools to carry it out.”
— Kirk Martin [05:30]

Rather than viewing frustration as a negative trait to be eliminated, Kirk encourages parents to see it as a sign of a child's deep investment in their ideas and goals. This perspective shift allows parents to respond more empathetically and effectively.

Shifting Parental Responses

Instead of imposing consequences for frustration-driven behaviors, Kirk suggests altering how parents react to these situations. For instance, when a child starts smashing a toy out of frustration, instead of issuing a threat like, “If you break that toy, you won’t get another one,” parents can acknowledge the child’s feelings and offer constructive outlets:

“I love the phrase. Of course, you're frustrated because you had an idea that you wanted to carry out and now you can't. Let me give you some tools to handle that.”
— Kirk Martin [08:15]

Strategies to De-escalate Power Struggles

Modeling Emotional Regulation

Kirk shares a personal anecdote about his son, Casey, to illustrate effective emotional regulation:

“When I walked away and did something else that I’m good at or feel mastery over, then when I go back to it, my head is clear, my vision is clear, and I can see it differently.”
— Kirk Martin [09:45]

By demonstrating how to manage his own frustrations, Kirk models positive behavior for his children, teaching them to take breaks and return to challenging tasks with a clearer mindset.

Engaging Physical Movement

In moments of heightened frustration, Kirk recommends introducing physical activities to help children shift their emotional state:

“Motion changes emotion. We move physically and psychologically out of that space, and then we give some space and time.”
— Kirk Martin [10:30]

Simple actions like moving a heavy object or helping with a household task can provide the necessary distraction and physical outlet to reduce tension.

Giving Space and Control

Allowing children some autonomy during stressful moments empowers them to take control of their emotions:

“I give them little space where I'm not watching them. Something they're in control of.”
— Kirk Martin [11:10]

By removing the immediate pressure of a parent’s scrutiny and letting children manage their own responses, parents can foster independence and self-regulation.

Addressing Anxiety-Driven Behavior

Normalizing Anxiety

Kirk stresses the importance of validating a child’s anxious feelings:

“You should be anxious, right? You should feel a little nervous... That’s very normal.”
— Kirk Martin [13:20]

Normalization helps children understand that their feelings are common and manageable, reducing the stigma and internal pressure associated with anxiety.

Assigning Specific Missions

To counteract anxiety, Kirk recommends giving children specific, manageable tasks:

“Give your child a specific job to do. Because then when they're going to that new place, they're focused on completing their job again, something they're in control of.”
— Kirk Martin [14:10]

This approach redirects their focus from their fears to actionable goals, enhancing their sense of control and competence.

Avoiding Punitive Consequences

Instead of punitive measures, Kirk advises providing tools and strategies for children to handle their anxiety:

“You can’t give a consequence for anxiety. Instead, what I'm doing is saying, you are probably going to struggle with this for the rest of your life... Let me give you some tools to handle that.”
— Kirk Martin [15:00]

This method fosters resilience and equips children with lifelong skills to manage their emotions.

Navigating Morning Routines with Strong-Willed Children

Establishing Clear Goals and Flexibility

Kirk shares his approach to managing morning routines with his son, Casey:

“I have one goal for you. Every morning, I want you on the school bus or in the carpool at 7:23 am... I relinquish control over how you get those things done.”
— Kirk Martin [16:20]

By setting clear objectives while allowing children the freedom to achieve them in their own way, parents can reduce conflicts and empower their children to take ownership of their responsibilities.

Encouraging Ownership Within Boundaries

Giving children ownership within defined limits supports their independence without sacrificing necessary routines:

“Give your kids ownership of their choices just within your boundaries. Trust that they can get that done.”
— Kirk Martin [17:05]

This balance between guidance and autonomy helps children develop self-discipline and accountability.

Practical Applications and Takeaways

Implementing Coping Mechanisms

Kirk emphasizes the importance of parents managing their own stress to model effective coping strategies for their children:

“If your coping mechanism is cleaning and organizing, well, that's productive. That's way better than drinking or yelling at your kids.”
— Kirk Martin [12:50]

By maintaining their own composure, parents create a stable environment conducive to positive child behavior.

Engaging in Open Communication

Encouraging children to express their opinions and participate in problem-solving fosters mutual respect and collaboration:

“Let your kids listen to this podcast. If you have our programs, let your kids listen and ask their opinion. It’s really cool because your kids have definite opinions and say, what could we begin doing differently?”
— Kirk Martin [18:30]

This engagement promotes a sense of partnership and shared responsibility within the family.

Consistent Practice and Patience

Kirk advises parents to consistently apply these strategies and remain patient as their children develop new coping mechanisms:

“Practice that this week, look for opportunities to turn some things over to your kids and say, hey, I’m going to step back, control my own anxiety, my own control issues. I’m going to give you space to step up and do things even if they irritate me.”
— Kirk Martin [19:15]

Consistency and patience are key to reinforcing positive behaviors and achieving long-term success.

Conclusion

In this episode, Kirk Martin provides a comprehensive guide for parents dealing with strong-willed and anxious children. By embracing the inherent frustrations of their children, modeling emotional regulation, and implementing practical strategies for autonomy and ownership, parents can effectively de-escalate power struggles and foster a harmonious家庭 environment. Kirk’s empathetic and actionable advice empowers parents to navigate the complexities of raising resilient and emotionally intelligent children.

Notable Quotes:

• “You want intense kids who get frustrated. You really do. Because what that means is they care about stuff, they're conscientious, they get a vision for what they want to accomplish, but they don't yet have the tools to carry it out.”
  — Kirk Martin [05:30]

• “Motion changes emotion. We move physically and psychologically out of that space, and then we give some space and time.”
  — Kirk Martin [10:30]

• “You can’t give a consequence for anxiety... Let me give you some tools to handle that.”
  — Kirk Martin [15:00]

• “I relinquish control over how you get those things done. Because strong will kids want to do things in a different way, in a weird way, and it will irritate you.”
  — Kirk Martin [17:05]

Additional Resources

• Website: www.CelebrateCalm.com
• Contact: Casey@CelebrateCalm.com
• Related Episodes:
  • Food Issues, Sleep Issues, and Potty Training
  • 5 Ways to Stop Anxiety Driven Power Struggles (Last May)

Whether you're struggling with power struggles, anxiety, or morning routines, this episode offers valuable insights to help you and your child thrive together. Subscribe, share, and engage with the Calm Parenting community to continue your journey toward peaceful and effective parenting.