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Calm Parenting Podcast
Kids Who Appear Lazy, Blame Others, Won’t Accept Responsibility, Pick On Siblings, Act Aggressively? 5 Ways To Help Over Holidays. #547
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Do you have kids who appear lazy in school? Who pick on their siblings? They refuse to accept responsibility. They blame others, won't push through when things get hard. Sometimes they act out aggressively or even self sabotage. You're not alone. And I want you to know most of these behaviors are not even behavior issues. They are confidence and motivation issues. So how can we change this? I want to give you five ideas that you can begin implementing over the holiday break. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's Christmas episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. You can find us in our christmas sale@celebratecolm.com so I mentioned that that most of these behavior issues, they don't really have anything to do with behavior internally. They're about a child who doesn't have confidence or motivation. So think about this. Kids who feel kind of like the black sheep in the family, they're always in trouble. Well, they're naturally going to take out their resentment on the good sibling that they can't measure up against. It's not a sibling issue. That's a confidence issue. Kids who struggle in school and shut down, they're not usually lazy kids. They, they're just not motivated. See, those are two different things because you've seen this. When your child is motivated, and it's usually for other people, your kids can get ready on time, remember things, be conscientious, and they can follow through. Kids who feel like one parent doesn't believe in them will often act out aggressively or they'll self sabotage. Some kids lie. They make things up. They blame others. They won't take responsibility for their actions. Why? Why? Because they feel insecure and helpless. And I'm not. Look, none of these things are an excuse. They just help us understand that we need to address the root rather than trying to discipline or change outward behavior. In other words, none of these negative behaviors will change until we spark your child's internal motivation and build their confidence. Think about this. A confident, motivated child will be resilient enough to handle setbacks, confident enough to tackle hard situations, motivated to push through and they will be gracious with other people. They'll own their own mistakes. But our kids don't always derive confidence from getting good grades, being well behaved and excelling in team sports like other kids. So over the holidays, begin working on these five different ways to build their confidence and motivation. Number one, let go of your agenda and accept your kids as they are. Your kids are different. They don't care about the things you care about most. And think about this, all these things that you care about. Good study skills, trying your hardest, having lots of friends, playing sports, starting the day with a win by making your bed, being well rounded, taking on honors classes. All of those things have served you well in life. They have led to you being successful and happy. So naturally you become a parent. You think well this is what I did to be happy and successful and this is what everyone else focuses on so I shall as well. And then you have a strong willed child or a neurodivergent child kid on the spectrum and they simply don't value these things and they're not always good at these things. Plus you'll notice they often reject the things you value most and that you're good at because they don't want to be compared to you or siblings. But sometimes you keep pressuring them and trying to convince them to care about these things. You bribe, threaten, lecture, you email me at midnight about it. Nothing ever works. So I'm going to ask you to do something for the next two weeks and next two years. I just stop. Stop with your agenda and what you think is right. Instead listen to your child. Really listen. Slow down. Let go of your agenda. Control your own anxiety about their future. Let go of your control issues over how you think they should do things. You can grieve your false expectations and and even your embarrassment that you feel because your child isn't living up to your and societal expectations. Stop comparing them to their siblings and discard those arbitrary timelines we measure kids against. Your kids are often late bloomers and they just reject the normal way. Instead, get inside your child's heart and head. Try to understand how they see and view the world. Because if your child could verbalize what he or she is feeling it it may sound like this. Mom, dad, you're not listening to me. I have told you my brain doesn't work like yours and I don't care about the things you do. You keep putting pressure on me to be like you and it makes me feel Angry and misunderstood. It makes me want to do the opposite. I constantly feel like a disappointment, like a failure, like a. Like, I can never please you. And this can be devastating for kids. So instead of trying to change their nature, work with their nature. One of the most powerful steps, if you have our programs, listen to the no BS program. It's especially great for slightly older kids. One of the most powerful steps is releasing your kids. You actively release them from having to be like you, to be like their peers, like their siblings. They. You release them from following the path you want them to take, even if that is the easier path. And they're going, look, your kids are going to choose the harder path. So you release them. Look, I release you to be the person you are supposed to be, even if that provokes my anxiety and control issues. It is very, very powerful. And I know this is hard because you have these really bright kids and they're not living up to their potential. And if they would just do their best, they could be so successful in school and sports and. But your anxiety about their future causes you to project into the future, and then you end up nitpicking little things, constantly correcting them, pointing out their flaws. It won't work. It will backfire. So work on your own anxiety over this. I made this the first point because it is one thing you can control. You can't control your kids decisions and attitudes and moods, but you can control your own anxiety and how. How you see them. And that leads to step number two. Number two, change the narrative in your brain. Give your child a new name. It is so easy to fall into the trap of verbalizing the negative. Oh, my child is so sassy. They're lazy, stubborn, they won't push through. They leave messes everywhere. Look, all of these things may in fact be true and accurate, but when this becomes the guiding narrative in your brain and in your heart, you'll view everything they do through that prism. Every negative behavior will reinforce this prevailing narrative, and eventually your kids will internalize this narrative. And it's not motivating. Well, if I'm lazy, why bother trying? Now if I'm stubborn, it would seem odd for me to actually change. So here's a cool strategy you can try. In ancient times, authority figures would change a person's name or to signify a change in vision, perspective, and how they actually perceive themselves. Now, my favorite name change in history, because I'm a geek, was when the Duke of Normandy invaded England in 1066 in the battle of Hastings, before he won that battle. Guess what he was known as? William the Bastard. Guess what he was known as after that? William the Conqueror. I imagine he held his shoulders a little higher after that. And then, of course, we have the name change from Abram to Abraham to signify a new vision of who he was to become. So instead of thinking, ah, here comes my lazy kid who sits around in a hoodie sweatshirt and just leaves messes everywhere, doesn't follow through, argues all the time, you could say, you know what? You kind of remind me of Steve Jobs or Thomas Edison because you've always been so good at tinkering with and building things. So what kinds of interesting ideas are you thinking about today? See, I love seeing that creative brain in action. Your eyes light up, you get super focused and energized to complete what you pictured in your brain. And you don't give up until you're done. Man, those are great qualities. Now inside you're thinking, I know, but he doesn't do that with schoolwork. And he doesn't pick things up. And often he doesn't finish because he puts off bedtime and doing all the other things he's supposed to do. I get that. But let's begin by affirming what your child is already doing. Well, you could walk into the kitchen one morning and greet your child with a new name. Hey, how's my Leonardo da Vinci or my Frank Lloyd Wright today? And I know they're going to look at you like you're strange, and that's okay. They may even ask why you're being so weird. But then you can say, well, those guys were so creative and could see patterns and things like you do. Just excited to see what you're going to create next. See, now you're being genuinely excited about the things they are good at instead of the subtle. You know, I'm excited to see you study for your test. Get A's B on green on the behavior chart. And sometimes we just kind of fake like, hey, that's really good that you're creative, but why don't you focus on all the things I want you to do? See, if you begin doing this, you. You'll see your child differently and you'll reframe their gifts and talents. You are creating a vision of who your child can be, not who he or she is right now. And I did this with Casey all the time. Hey, Case, I know it can be overwhelming to be in middle school. You're kind of stuck between being a little kid and a grown up. It's awkward it's all new. But I'll tell you what I see. I see a young man who's a good thinker, who knows how to ask the right questions and lead, who isn't afraid to jump in, who does the right thing for people in the end. And you've got a great future ahead of you, Casey. I can't wait to see it unfold. Then I give a shoulder, a little squeeze, and I'd walk out of the room. See, it was like planting lots of little seeds. Now, is that the kid who he was right then? Not always. But I saw the seeds of it in different places, usually in more adult situations. And Cayce told me many years later he would replay those words in his head over and over when he was having a rough day. He said he began to want to be more like that because I was creating a vision for it, and he wanted to live up to those higher expectations. So I began writing him short notes like this so he could read those words anytime. So leave your kids short, encouraging notes under their pillow, in the room, in their backpacks. You send them little emails or texts if they're older. And here's a fun one. If you have a little junior attorney in your home, instead of being resentful and angry about that quality, lean into it. Hey, which case does my accomplished attorney want to litigate with his amazing critical thinking skills today? So how can we take this a step further and spark internal motivation in our kids? I have a couple really cool ideas for this. So, with all the holiday parties and pressure, Mrs. Kalm and I have a secret strategy. We order three hungry root meals each week, so we're guaranteed to get high protein meals with all good ingredients without the stress of battling grocery store crowds. Last night, I prepared the Hungerroot bison Pasta Bolognese and the Korean barbecue chicken in less than 20 minutes with no waste, minimal cleanup, and over 40 grams of protein each. Plus, they're delicious. Hungerroot even has yummy options for your picky kids, and it customizes recommendations that fit your family's taste and nutrition goals. Hungryroot is kind of like having your own personal shopper and chef in one so you can spend more time enjoying your kids. We love Hungryroot, so take advantage of our exclusive offer. Go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus, get get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box. Okay, number three, keep a running list of specific traits that often get overlooked. Look, with the new year coming up, it's a good time to reevaluate what you value most as a family, because it's easy to get caught up in the societal school pressure of everything being about school and sports and behavior. So take some time over the holidays to reframe what is most important to you. For us, it was this. It's not just about grades. We want to raise curious kids who love to learn. And we began to question what society valued and why. Look, I know it's easier when your kids sit still all day and everyone praises kids who follow directions well, but in the adult world, companies don't pay much money just to people, just to follow directions and do tasks. Companies pay people who know how to process information, think critically, ask good questions, problem solve, formulate strong opinions using strategic thinking skills, present their ideas persuasively, and then lead a team to accomplish a goal. A lot of us have kids who are really good at that. They're not good at the kid things. And I'm watching firsthand as the little kid or son who got in trouble for all that energy and that questioning attitude and sometimes defiance and stubborn resistance is being transformed into a strong leader at his other job. The reason Casey has gotten promoted very quickly is because of the same qualities that got him in trouble at school. He is a decisive, bold leader with a lot of energy. The CEO of the company doesn't value Casey's ability to follow directions. He gives Casey a mission and then trusts implicitly that Casey will problem solve in a fast moving environment, act decisively, lead his team and get the job done with excellence without having to micromanage him. So here's an idea that had a huge impact on Casey and so many other kids we worked with. You know how you have that running list in your head of things your kids aren't good at or that you want to change or. I was going to say that running list of resentments towards your spouse. We can deal with that another time. So begin making a running list instead of positive choices and traits that they exhibit. So I began just sending myself little emails and put it in a little folder every time he made a good decision throughout the semester. So I could give him examples of times when he demonstrated positive traits like problem solving, leadership, being assertive, having initiative, exercising self control, creativity, compassion, imagination, curiosity, persistence and persuasion. I'd write down the traits that you do want to see in your kids and notice when they do that. So you notice when they are resilient when they do handle a loss, when they lose a game. And they handle it better when they apologize to a sibling or a parent, when they put extra effort into something that's difficult. And remember, we praise for progress, not perfection. And you've heard me talk about this. I used to create a report card for all the kids who came to our camps. And over the years I did this for my niece and nephew on each of their birthdays. Hey, 14 reasons why my Niece Rocks. This doesn't mean you ignore their weaknesses, but everybody already points those things out anyway. When you build your child's confidence like this, it changes how you view your child and how they view themselves. It gives them confidence and resilience to overcome struggles and push through when things get hard. Here's an idea. You could share your life skills report card with your child's teachers. I used to do this because it would give them a more balanced view of the child. So instead of well, can't sit still, doesn't always follow directions, it's like, yeah, but really good thinker, asks really good questions. Great problem solve solver, good leader. And I promise your kids will hang on to these report cards. They will look at it and say, yeah, I know I'm not always good at X, Y and Z at school, but I'm really good at doing these three things and that will serve me well in the adult world, which is where they spend most of their lives. And I did notice Casey's attitude would change when I would recall a specific instance when he helped an elderly neighbor down the street, or if he was persistent or conscientious working his job as a hockey referee. I'd even affirm him at times for his negotiating and arguing skills because he did advance logical, well thought out ideas. But I'd also coach him on how to do that more respectfully. Final note, this has nothing to do with participation, trophies or empty praise. You are noticing specific examples of progress and valuing different traits. Number four. Give your kids an opportunity to use their unique gifts, talents and passions. So think about this. When are you most confident? When do you feel the most purpose and the most motivated? Well, it's when you're completing missions and tasks that you're naturally good at doing. See, instead of spending most of your time trying to fix your child's supposed weaknesses, give them opportunities to use their natural gifts, talents and passions. Look, our success and happiness in life is dependent on the degree to which you use your strengths to help others. Your kids are good at building and creating things good at connecting with animals and little kids or old people. So look for opportunities for them to read to younger kids at school. Babysit worker. Volunteer at a daycare or after school center. Helping a coach teach younger kids how to swim or play soccer. Can your child be around animals at a local horse farm? Volunteering at an animal shelter or walking neighbors dogs. Getting a job at a vet's office. You know, I love getting your kids to help older neighbors doing service projects, starting their own business, getting involved in chess club or rock climbing. What are your kids good at doing? Look for any and all opportunities for your kids to do those things. One of the defining points of Casey's life was when he began learning how to fly an airplane. And in order to fund his flight lessons, he began officiating hockey games. And he was fantastic at both activities. My goal with many of your kids is this. Just get them doing one, just one constructive activity over the holidays. Ask or even pay a neighbor to ask your child and come help them with some project, a task, walking a dog, babysitting, anything. Number five, ask your kids to help you with something. You know, one of my favorite strategies is take what usually annoys you and use that to motivate your child and bond with them. Look, I hated when Casey played video games. It was dumb to me. I grew up playing sports outside with my friends, so it drove me crazy. But I discovered lecturing, dismissing, and denigrating his interests wasn't motivated. So I decided to enter into his world and use this to my advantage. I stopped reacting and getting irritated, and instead I just observed and listened. You know what I noticed when Casey played Call of Duty back in the day with his friends online? He was a really good strategic thinker. He was confident. He was a leader. He would direct his team because, you know, our kids are always kind of the bossy ones. But he was a good leader. But he would build up the kids who weren't so good. He'd give them tips and he'd lead them strategically. He was actually problem solving on the fly. Now, did I see these same qualities in school? Not usually. And that's okay. So I decided to do something different. I would occasionally say this, hey, Case, I could really use your problem solving help with a situation this morning. And at first he'd look at me like, why are you asking me for help? And I just casually and factually say, well, I know from listening to you play your video games, you're actually really good at this. So I'm wondering if I could get your thoughts on this situation. And over the years I've had parents ask their kids for help or put them in charge of cooking meals, entering info on Excel spreadsheets for the family budget, helping with Instagram posts and social media marketing. This builds confidence and vision for the future. Now my two favorite examples are from parents like you. A couple who run their own home business said they were really frustrated with their son. He's the typical little attorney type kid many of us have. And so they finally let him listen to our programs and said, you know what, since you're so smart, why don't you tell us what we should do differently Now I don't want you doing this out of frustration or with attitude, but their son heard me talking about taking on grown up responsibilities. So guess what he does now? He took over packaging up their products for shipment, managing inventory and orders. He actually found an app and he's using AI in order to help them be more efficient. They said he's still a little combative at times. He doesn't always do his schoolwork right, but now he feels like he's capable and he's doing something important. And notice he it's an adult type job. A mom just emailed me this week and said the biggest change I've noticed since going through your programs is a shift in how I see my son and interact with him. I now realize I have been perpetually irritated by him. Love the honesty there mom. And he must have picked up on that. But now when he complains about something, I'm able to respond truthfully. You know what, your brain is so good at solving problems. I can't wait to see how you find a solution to this. And the mom said recently he started solving problems before even telling me and I see his self efficacy has increased. So thanks for this perspective shift. Oh, you're the one who did the perspective shift, so I dare you to do this. Let's work on these five strategies over the holidays and I bet you'll begin to notice a shift in how your child sees himself or herself and how you see them and that will change behavior more than anything else. Do let your kids if you want to. You know we don't do punishment, but if you wanted to like punish your kids, say you have to listen to these programs or more likely, you know what it is, it's empowering them. Hey, these are for adults, but you guys are kind of grown up. Listen to these programs. You come back to us with three different things we could be doing differently in the home as we start the new year. That would be way cool. Hey, Merry Christmas to everybody. If you need help with our programs, need help financially, Casey will be Santa to you. You can email him at Casey C A S e y@celebratecalm.com. all right, love you all. Bye. Bye.