Calm Parenting Podcast Episode Summary Episode: Kids Who Lie, Steal, Sneak Things At Night
Release Date: October 16, 2024
Host: Kirk Martin, Founder of Celebrate Calm

Introduction to the Episode

In this insightful episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into the challenging behaviors of children who lie, steal, and sneak things at night. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk provides practical strategies to help parents navigate these difficult situations calmly and effectively.

Understanding Why Kids Lie and Steal

Kirk Martin begins by addressing the common frustrations parents face when dealing with dishonest behaviors in their children. He emphasizes that lying and stealing are often impulse control issues rather than matters of integrity.

“Kids lie. Humans lie. Stop being shocked by it. It's not usually an integrity issue. So stop with the lectures about, well, you just need to tell us the truth.”
(01:20)

Kirk explains that strong-willed children may lie or sneak things due to shame or embarrassment after making impulsive decisions. Rather than shaming them, it's crucial to teach impulse control in practical ways.

Example 1: Unauthorized Use of Credit Cards

When a child uses a parent's credit card without permission, Kirk suggests a straightforward approach:

“I just print out the bill. I'd print out the charges on your credit card, I would circle them, and then I'd lay that piece of paper on the kitchen counter or hand it to your child and just say, look, I expect you to pay this back to me plus an extra $50 for the time it took me to call the credit card company and replace my cards, since I thought it was fraud.”
(02:15)

He advocates for no drama—acknowledging the wrongdoing without initiating a lengthy lecture. By handling the situation calmly, parents can prevent the escalation of defiance and maintain trust.

Example 2: Sneaking iPads or Food at Night

For children who sneak access to devices or food at night, Kirk recommends normalizing the behavior to reduce power struggles:

“Look, this is all normal human behavior and especially kid behavior. I'm not excusing it. I'm saying it's normal to want to do that.”
(04:10)

Instead of restricting access, Kirk encourages parents to redirect their child's strategic thinking skills into positive activities. For instance, he suggests brainstorming ways the child can use their problem-solving abilities constructively, such as running a small business or engaging in community service.

“Why don't we do something differently? ... We could donate that to St. Jude's for Kids with cancer. I'll even match some of that.”
(05:05)

This approach not only addresses the immediate issue but also helps children understand the underlying reasons for their behavior, fostering long-term positive habits.

Example 3: Stealing Money and Lying About It

Kirk discusses a scenario where a child steals money and lies to cover it up. He critiques traditional punitive responses and offers alternative strategies:

“Your son lied to avoid getting spanked for stealing money. And then he told the truth to avoid getting spanked and he still got spanked. See, there's a better way.”
(09:00)

He emphasizes the importance of building trust and creating an environment where children feel safe to admit their mistakes without fear of harsh punishment. Instead of spanking, Kirk suggests being direct and offering the child an opportunity to make amends.

“Look, son, daughter, I know you took those hundred dollar bills from the cupboard. I'm not mad. I'm not angry. I get it. I know that you know that was wrong and that's why you hid the bills.”
(12:30)

Building a Trusting Relationship

Central to Kirk's philosophy is the establishment of a trusting, two-way relationship between parents and children. He advises parents to:

• Stay Calm: Avoid overreacting or creating drama, which can push children towards more deceitful behaviors.
• Encourage Honesty: Create opportunities for children to confess without fear, such as engaging in relaxed activities like playing catch or coloring.
• Practice Open Communication: Role-play scenarios where children can practice admitting mistakes and receiving positive reinforcement for honesty.

“I want you to be able to come to me at any time because I can help you. Because remember, discipline means to teach.”
(18:00)

Shifting from Punishment to Teaching

Kirk stresses the importance of shifting the focus from punishment to education. Instead of punishing children for their mistakes, parents should aim to teach impulse control and problem-solving skills. This approach not only addresses the immediate behavior but also equips children with the tools they need to make better decisions in the future.

“Discipline means to teach. My goal is to guide these kids, to teach them through these things, not just to walk around punishing them.”
(16:45)

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

In wrapping up the episode, Kirk encourages parents to work on their own emotional regulation and break old patterns inherited from their own upbringing. By modeling calmness and control, parents can positively influence their children's behavior.

“Cause we're the adults. And I want to demonstrate very clearly and consistently to my kids, you can trust me when you're at your worst. I can handle it when your world is out of control.”
(25:00)

Kirk concludes by highlighting the importance of continuous learning and communication within the family, fostering an environment where trust and honesty thrive.

Key Takeaways

1. Understand the Root Cause: Recognize that lying and stealing often stem from impulse control issues and a desire to avoid shame or punishment.
2. Stay Calm and Direct: Address the behavior without creating drama or shaming the child, which can exacerbate the issue.
3. Build Trust: Foster an environment where children feel safe to admit their mistakes without fear of harsh punishment.
4. Redirect Behavior: Channel your child's problem-solving skills into positive activities that satisfy their need for stimulation.
5. Focus on Teaching: Shift the disciplinary approach from punishment to education, teaching children valuable life skills.

Notable Quotes

• “Kids lie. Humans lie. Stop being shocked by it. It's not usually an integrity issue.”
  — Kirk Martin (01:20)

• “I expect you to pay this back to me plus an extra $50 for the time it took me to call the credit card company and replace my cards.”
  — Kirk Martin (02:15)

• “Look, this is all normal human behavior and especially kid behavior.”
  — Kirk Martin (04:10)

• “Discipline means to teach. My goal is to guide these kids, to teach them through these things, not just to walk around punishing them.”
  — Kirk Martin (16:45)

• “You can trust me when you're at your worst. I can handle it when your world is out of control.”
  — Kirk Martin (25:00)

Final Thoughts

Kirk Martin's episode provides compassionate and practical advice for parents struggling with deceitful behaviors in their children. By focusing on building trust, understanding the underlying motivations, and shifting disciplinary approaches from punishment to teaching, parents can cultivate a healthier and more honest relationship with their children. This strategy not only addresses the immediate behavioral issues but also fosters long-term positive development.

For more resources and support, visit Celebrate Calm or follow Kirk Martin on Instagram and TikTok.