Episode Overview

Podcast: Calm Parenting Podcast
Host: Kirk Martin
Episode: #541 - Kids Who Push Buttons, Roll Their Eyes, or Argue Like Attorneys? Try These 5 Scripts.
Date: December 3, 2025

In this episode, Kirk Martin tackles the challenge of parenting strong-willed kids who push buttons, roll their eyes, and argue persistently. Rather than focusing on “fixing” children, Kirk presents five practical response strategies (plus a bonus sixth) for parents to end power struggles, shift unhealthy family dynamics, and build stronger relationships—all through real-life examples, humor, and refreshingly honest advice.

Main Themes and Purpose

• Empowering parents to break the reactive cycle in power struggles with challenging kids.
• Exploring how children “push buttons” and why, and why parents' reactions give children more power.
• Practical, actionable scripts and mindset shifts to foster healthier communication and emotional regulation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Power Struggle Scenario

• Classic button-pushing illustration
  • Mom asks daughter to set the table; daughter rolls her eyes.
  • (05:20) Kirk observes:

    “Now watch who just controlled this entire situation. The daughter is. And whether she is 4 or 14, all she did was move a few eye muscles … and set off a chain reaction.”

• Emotional escalation between family members—children seek emotional engagement and get it when parents react.

2. Why Button-Pushing Works

• Kids push parents' buttons because it works; parents consistently react and give up power.
• (08:24) Kirk points out:

  “Your kids can only push your buttons because you have so many to push. If you didn’t have all those buttons, they couldn’t push them.”

• Work begins with parents—dealing with their own anxieties and triggers first.

The Five Response Strategies (“Scripts”)

1. Never React – Take Back Control

• Resolve not to react; control your own behavior first.
• (09:30)

  “If you want to change your child’s behavior quickly, you must first control your own.”

  “I refuse to give any person or situation power over my mood, attitude and behavior.”

• Smile instead of reacting, as a “solemn promise” to yourself to end the pattern.

2. Be Grateful – Embrace the Growth Opportunity

• See challenging children as an opportunity to address your own immaturity and triggers.
• (13:18)

  “The child that you fight with most is the child that you can ultimately be closest to, precisely because there’s been so much emotional engagement.”

• Shift the internal narrative from, “My child is so difficult” to “Why does this bother me so much?”

3. Do the Opposite – Break the Cycle

• If reacting/lecturing doesn’t work, do the opposite.
• (21:02)

  “Instead of reacting, I would sit down … I ask questions and become curious, which is a way of leading your child to the right answer they already know inside.”

• Examples:
  • Sit down instead of standing up.
  • Affirm recent positive choices.
  • Acknowledge persistence rather than labeling as “stubbornness”.

4. Be Tough and Direct – Set Boundaries Without Drama

• Use a matter-of-fact, direct tone to enforce boundaries, not sweet or emotional tones when faced with intentional disrespect.
• (26:05)

  “That kind of attitude, that’s never going to work with me. So you may want to reconsider your tone while I go get a snack.”

• Acknowledge strengths embedded in the “button-pushing” behavior (insightfulness, persistence).
• Clearly indicate that respect is expected and that mature, respectful engagement leads to more privileges.

5. Get to the Root of the Issue – Emotional Needs Over Behavior

• Look beneath the surface: Is your child seeking connection, intensity, or trying to communicate an unmet need?
• (31:15)

  “Are they struggling and just taking it out on you? I guarantee you that’s probably 80% of the time.”

• Offer invitations for connection rather than confrontation:

  “If you’d like to go walk the dog with me, I’d love to listen and help you if you want.” (33:10)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• (07:05)

  “If you react, then you have become your child’s puppet.” — Kirk Martin

• (15:26)

  “Having a strong-willed child is like having a therapist with you full time. And it’s free.” — Kirk Martin

• (18:08, Script idea)

  “Hey Casey, you’re actually really good at pushing my buttons because you have a lot of insight into human nature and people. … I’m sorry I have continually reacted and complained about this. It’s my issue.” – Kirk Martin

• (25:44, Praise for persistence)

  “You know what I admire about you, Jaden? When you really care about and want something, nothing gets in your way of accomplishing your goal … That’s called persistence. And you have it. Fist bump.”

• (29:54, Ownership and Maturity)

  “I have led you to believe that you actually control my actions and reactions and have power over me. But you don’t anymore. So feel free to push my buttons all you want. I just refuse to react.”

Practical Application and Scripts (with Examples & Timestamps)

Owning Your Triggers (18:08)

• “Son, daughter, when you procrastinate, it just really bugs me. And then I nag you, because when I was a kid, I would get yelled at for being late or slow. And now I take that out on you, and that’s not fair to you.”

Direct, Firm Response (26:05)

• “That kind of attitude, that’s never going to work with me. So you may want to reconsider your tone while I go get a snack. Go grab the laundry.”

Rewiring Connection (33:10, 36:25)

• “Hey, Jennifer, when you do this, what it tells me is something’s bothering you.”
• “Hey Casey, I’ve noticed this pattern—when you use that tone with me it’s usually because you’re frustrated, anxious, or hungry.”

Bonus Strategy: Number 6

Listen Together and Invite Insight (45:10)

• Kirk’s sixth suggestion is to listen to this episode with your child and ask them directly:

  “Why do you push my buttons so much? Ask them, listen to them, learn from them, see what they say. It will be really interesting to hear their response.”

Action Plan Recap

• Practice not reacting and reclaim your emotional freedom.
• Use button-pushing as an opportunity to grow and bond.
• Replace old scripts/narratives with ones that foster emotional intelligence, boundaries, and respect.
• Offer connection, not just correction—sometimes what your child seeks is your undivided, intense engagement.
• Experiment: Invite your child’s perspective, listen together, and open a real conversation.

Closing Tone & Takeaways

• Tone: Empathetic, honest, and direct—with Kirk’s signature practicality and humor.
• Empowerment: The transformation begins with parents reclaiming their own emotional stability and reframing the entire dynamic of button-pushing.
• Memorable closing sentiment:

  “This is a gift to you to break the old generational patterns inside of you forever so your kids don’t have to struggle like you and I do. It’s a much more proactive way of thinking that has nothing to do with others and everything to do with you.” (41:55)

For more resources, visit CelebrateCalm.com
Contact: Casey@CelebrateCalm.com

Respect to all parents for working on themselves and their families.