Transcript
Kirk Martin (0:00)
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
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Kirk Martin (1:20)
So do you have a child who when asked to do something, when given instructions, reflexively almost immediately responds by saying no or asking why? Well, of course you do because you have strong willed kids and it's irritating. Is this just a defiant child who's purposefully being difficult or is something else going on? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our Mother's day sale@celebratecalm.com Two quick things. I had a mom who forwarded it to her husband and he already got her downloaded all of our programs for Mother's Day and she was like I still have a couple weeks left so I'm going to ask him for more things. I was like good job. And then shout out to Adam a guy who's like hey, this isn't just about moms. I have been working through your programs and breaking the generational patterns that I got from my dad. Kudos to you all the moms and dads out there who are breaking generational patterns and learning to parent in ways that you were never parented. Good for you man. That's hard work. So here's the thing. If you're a generally compliant, rule following person by nature, you are going to struggle with your strong willed child because when someone asks you to do something, your first thought is, well, you just do it. But that's not what your strong willed child thinks or does. Their first thought is either an immediate no or to question why. And you've heard that, haven't you? In this podcast episode, I want to delve into why kids ask this primarily, but here's some quick additional insight into the immediate no. Some kids reflexively say no because they're buying time to process what you just asked them to do while they contemplate how they're going to respond. Some of your kids are actually just slow processors of information, so this becomes a habit and they may be thinking, I heard what you said, but I'm trying to figure out if there's a more interesting way I'd like to do it. They may be thinking, I heard what you said and I am contemplating whether it's worth taking the consequences you will eventually give me. In order to keep doing what I'm doing right now and ignore you, you have to know that's partly what they're thinking about. And they may just be ignoring you or putting you off. You need to know kind of how their brains work. So let's consider why kids respond so frequently with the question why. It's not just to push your buttons, although if it does, then you're realizing you have buttons to push and you can start working on that. So you can be grateful to your strong willed child for bringing out all of your issues and your immaturity. Because we all have it and we're just. And we're just working through it now. We're growing up as much as our kids are. So you tell your kids to do something and their response is why? And your response might be similar to my dad's, it was either because I said so, or ours is not to question why, ours is but to do and die. And that was kind of a paraphrase quote from the Charge of the Light Brigade because my dad was career military and so it was a ton of fun growing up. And so you know what it was like in those days. You didn't question why, you just did what you were told immediately. But your child is often going to ask why. Is he always being defiant? No. But you're going to be tempted to think that your child is. And if you don't get this, you will have endless power struggles with this child and you will have created many of them yourself. You know, I don't do blame or guilt, but gotta stop this. If you view your child as A rebellious, defiant, pigheaded, unmotivated kid. Nothing, absolutely nothing you say or do will ever work. It will backfire. Your child will resist and shut down, and you'll slowly grow apart and resent each other. And I wanna avoid that look. Your child asks why? Because he's looking for context. If you take notes on these podcasts, write down the word context in really big letters. Strong willed children tend to be big picture strategic thinkers. They see patterns and we want that quality in them because it serves them well in real life. Lots of jobs, that's foundational. We just don't want them to be like that when they're kids because it's a pain. So your child is asking why. He knows how you want him to do it, but he wants to evaluate if there's a better way to do it. And he wants to put your or she wants to put your instruction in context of the larger picture of what's going on. And I know most of us, we just want that unquestioning obedience. And I get that. I used to want that. But it's not happening with this child and it shouldn't happen now. By a better way, your child means a different way than you want him or her to do. It could be a more challenging way, a more interesting way, a more creative way that you've never even thought about. And it won't always make sense because in your head, like mine, this is very, very clear. I ask you to do something, you do it, and then you're done. Does it always have to be so hard? Why do you have to make everything so difficult? That's what's inside of us. Don't say that. And you're going to want to pull your hair out and possibly your child's, but don't. Not yet. So look, giving kids ownership, not control, is one of the foundational elements you have to understand with a strong willed child. I do not give kids control of my home or my classroom, but I do give them ownership of their choices within my boundaries. It's not about being permissive at all. It's about being wise and flexible. And my warning to you is this. If you or your spouse or the grandparents dig in and adopt, that my where the highway approach with this child, I guarantee three things will happen. Number one, you will have endless power struggles with this child. Endless. Number two, your relationship will be strained and then ultimately broken. And three, your child will turn into an angry teenager and young adult with no one that he or she can trust. We don't want that. To happen. I tried that approach with our son and with 1500 kids who came in our home. It does not work. And look, I can teach you how to be tough with these kids because you can't let them walk all over you. And I don't want that. I'm not into permissive parenting. But this isn't time to fall on your sword and escalate situations. It's a time to proactively provide context. And I have a little aside here. Be aware of the following. Some of you inadvertently escalate situations like this with your kids. Sometimes it's to create drama as a distraction, perhaps from your own marriage. Or maybe there's some internal sabotage, self sabotage of your parenting and marriage and your relationships. So let me give you an example from when Casey was younger, because this demonstrates how much power I have as the parent in these situations by simply controlling myself self. So let's set this up. So say your child can't wait for Saturday morning. Because on Saturday morning there's no rushing out the door. They don't have to go to stupid school. And you've told your child, hey, Saturday morning, free morning play, create, build with your Legos. Nothing else going on. So your child is happily sitting in his or her PJs, Legos all over the floor. And that was Casey on so many days. And I'd rush into the living room and say, hey Casey, hey, pick up your Legos, put your shoes on, we need to go now. And look, there's nothing wrong with that. That happens in millions of homes. And the kids pick up the Legos, put their shoes on and go. But not in your home. Because you have a strong willed child, a thinker. So predictably, your strong willed child responds, of course, father, I can tell you're in a hurry and this must be urgent, some important mission we must attend to. I shall prioritize your desires above mine. Is there anything else you need help with? Now look, if your child did that, you would rush him or her immediately to the hospital for an examination. Because that would be weird. So predictably, your child responds without even looking up. Why? And most of us respond with a sharp tone and irritated expression. I didn't tell you to ask why. I told you to put your Legos away, put your shoes on and get ready. Is that clear? I'm not going to repeat myself again. Which guarantees you're going to repeat yourself many times. Your kids don't give up easily. But dad, you guys said that I would have all morning to play and build and Now. And you can hear. Can you hear that tone in your voice? It's kind of pleading now. You told me I'd have all morning and I could play and build. And now. And you can hear that. And that is a first warning sign to know, oh, my child has taken this to a very personal and emotional level. And if you go with an emotional tone, you are going to dump fuel on the fire. Because. Because we often react. You know what? You either pick up the Legos now, young man, or you're going to lose them for a month. Okay, that's kind of a guy thing. We got consequences we can't keep sometimes. I used to do that. Many of our kids sense that they're going to lose everything anyway, and why even bother with a grown adult who's clearly not in control? So they just go for the jugular. You know what? You're the one who lied and told me I could play all morning. Oh, and now the whole morning and the whole day blows up because you're going to lose it. And I'll put it in the case of our home. I would lose it. Guess what? Mom hears a kid crying and has to run into the room to figure out what's going on. And all of you have been there. Look, should your son or daughter have complied right away? Sure. But your child never has. So why do you keep expecting a different result? One of the key breakthroughs we need as parents is understanding this is the child that you have been given. This is their very nature. And this is not giving in or being permissive. I've been through podcasts before about the myth of immediate obedience. It's just. I can't even go there right now. Wishing that your child was different just creates more issues. Digging in won't work. It doesn't mean you have to put up with defiance. But this was not defiance. Now, for the type A parents out there, myself included, you think, well, this kid has to learn to get with the program. And our response is no. You don't handle things in the real world like you do with your kids. When you're at the office, you use a multipootude, a multitude, which I can't say. You use many different communication styles and reward systems. You kind of do it intuitively with other people, but with our kids, sometimes we dig in and just use one single way. So let's rewind this and handle it in a different way with a different result. Moms and dads, you and I have.