Calm Parenting Podcast: Millennial Moms & Dads: Becoming the Parent You Never Had #451

Host: Kelly Burst
Guest: Kirk Martin, Founder of Calm Parenting
Release Date: February 21, 2025

Introduction

In episode #451 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kelly Burst welcomes Kirk Martin, the founder of Calm Parenting. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 children, many of whom are neurodivergent, Kirk shares practical strategies for parents dealing with strong-willed children who resist consequences and engage in power struggles.

Breaking Generational Parenting Patterns

Kirk Martin opens up about his personal journey, emphasizing the importance of parents altering their responses rather than trying to change their children.

Kirk [03:15]: "Everything I tried backfired. And I spent so much time thinking we just need to change him. But what I finally realized was the only person I can control is myself."

Kelly Burst resonates with Kirk’s experience, highlighting how many millennial parents identify with breaking free from authoritarian parenting styles inherited from their own parents.

Kelly [03:53]: "I think it's common story... everything I tried backfired."

Strategies to Prevent Power Struggles

The conversation shifts to effective methods to prevent power struggles with strong-willed children.

Kirk discusses the importance of self-control:

Kirk [06:32]: "How can we stop a power struggle before it escalates and we're out of control?"

**Kelly highlights that 80% of power struggles originate from parental anxiety and control issues, advocating for:

1. Self-Control: Parents must manage their own emotions before addressing their child’s behavior.
2. Ownership of Choices: Allowing children to make decisions within set boundaries fosters independence and reduces defiance.

Kelly [07:10]: "Give them ownership of their choices within your boundaries... as long as they get it done."

Embracing Gentle Parenting with Boundaries

Kirk addresses the polarized views on gentle parenting, advocating for a balanced approach that combines authority with empathy.

Kirk [13:40]: "There's a middle ground that a lot of people miss."

Kelly expands on this, distinguishing between being overly permissive and maintaining necessary authority. She advises validating emotions while setting clear expectations.

Kelly [15:10]: "We want connection with them, correct detrimental behavior, and teach self-control."

Handling Sibling Conflicts

Sibling fights are a common challenge, especially with strong-willed children. Kelly offers multifaceted strategies:

1. Normalize Fighting: Recognize that sibling conflicts are natural and not a sign of poor parenting.
2. Assign Roles: Empower the older child by giving them responsibilities that make them feel competent.
3. Sensory Engagement: Engage strong-willed children in physical activities to channel their energy positively.

Kelly [34:26]: "Set the expectation that kids are supposed to fight... it's natural when you have multiple strong personalities."

Kirk [40:41]: "Having a list of reminders on the fridge helps manage these moments effectively."

Managing Tantrums and Meltdowns

The discussion delves into differentiating between tantrums and meltdowns and appropriate responses.

Kelly provides actionable tips for each scenario:

1. Tantrums: Recognize them as rational and maintain firm boundaries without changing the parent’s mood.
   • Rules for Tantrums:
     • Excellence: Strive for consistency in responses.
     • No Negotiation: Maintain that tantrums won't alter decisions.

Kelly [41:56]: "Tantrums are rational... rule one is we do everything with excellence."

2. Meltdowns: Offer controlled choices to help children regain a sense of control.
   • Strategies:
     • Provide Missions: Assign tasks that the child can manage.
     • Physical Activity: Engage them in movement to alleviate emotional intensity.
     • Avoid Eye Contact: Reduce pressure by not intensifying the emotional state.

Kirk [23:12]: "Acknowledging it and then walking away gives them time to process."

Encouraging Positive Behavior through Ownership

Empowering children by granting them ownership over their actions leads to lasting behavioral changes. Kelly emphasizes the importance of allowing children to own their decisions without excessive parental intervention.

Kelly [31:21]: "Once they own certain choices, they will follow your example naturally."

Kirk shares his experiences with picky eaters, illustrating how giving children agency can lead to healthier habits.

Kirk [31:40]: "Once our son decided putting healthy food into his body was good, he stuck with it for life."

Final Thoughts: Parental Self-Awareness and Continuous Improvement

The episode concludes with Kelly encouraging parents to reflect on their own behaviors and emotions. She suggests a 30-day challenge to document and adjust parenting responses, fostering self-awareness and growth.

Kelly [52:16]: "For the next 30 days, start writing down interactions that you struggle with and try doing the opposite."

Kirk agrees, highlighting the importance of gradual changes and the positive ripple effects on the entire family dynamics.

Kirk [58:59]: "You've got a nice typed list on your fridge... it's a quick glance because we're busy parents."

Notable Quotes

• Kirk [03:15]: "The only person in life that I can control is myself."
• Kelly [07:10]: "Give them ownership of their choices within your boundaries."
• Kirk [13:40]: "There's a middle ground that a lot of people miss."
• Kelly [34:26]: "Kids are supposed to fight... it's natural when you have multiple strong personalities."
• Kelly [41:56]: "Tantrums are rational... rule one is we do everything with excellence."
• Kirk [31:40]: "Once our son decided putting healthy food into his body was good, he stuck with it for life."
• Kelly [52:16]: "For the next 30 days, start writing down interactions that you struggle with and try doing the opposite."

Conclusion

This episode offers a wealth of insights for parents striving to raise strong-willed children with empathy and authority. By focusing on self-control, granting children ownership, and balancing gentle parenting with necessary boundaries, parents can foster a harmonious and respectful family environment. Kirk Martin and Kelly Burst provide actionable strategies that empower both parents and children to thrive together.

For more practical parenting advice, visit the Calm Parenting Podcast on all major platforms or join the community at www.CelebrateCalm.com.