← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
So I know having a strong willed child is really challenging. How many of you struggle just to get your kids into bed at night and then the next morning it's hard to get them out out of bed. You have kids who don't want to go places, but once they're there they have a great time. So transitions are tough. Getting kids moving can be really hard. So on this episode of the podcast, I'm going to focus on some strategies for morning routine. But you can use these for situations all throughout the day. And I want to give you a range of options because there's not just one way to handle this with our kids. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our winter sale@celebratecalm.com so number one, you always have to control your own anxiety first. Because if you get up in the morning, I know you're dreading that power struggle at 6:43am but just take 30 seconds and adjust your own attitude. Expect push back, control your tone of voice because if you come into the bedroom with that anxious tone, Got to get up, got to get up. Got to get up. We already discussed that couple episodes. Again, kids aren't rejecting your authority, they're rejecting your anxiety. Control your body posture, how you walk into the room. So work on that. Number two, let's connect with our kids. One of my favorite strategies is connection. Because, you know, connection tends to breed more cooperation. I'm going to get to tough discipline in a minute, but connection, you know, easy one. Tomorrow morning, wake your kids up with a compliment. Not fake praise, but just say, you know what? I've noticed something. You're really good at doing X. You're really good at seeing in three dimensions. You're good at picturing things and putting things together. You're good at seeing patterns in things. I. I love this phrase as well. You know what I was thinking? I wish I was more like you in this one particular area because you're really good at speaking up for yourself. You know what you want. And I wish I was a little bit more assertive like that. You're just being honest and recognizing good qualities in them. It's a great way to wake kids up. Ask your kids their opinion about something and this is a good one. Hey, if you get ready, come downstairs. I'd love to hear your opinion on X. Because our kids are often very opinionated. Here's a good one. Just be quiet in the morning. Respect the fact that some of your kids just don't want to talk. So respect that they're not necessarily being rude. Sometimes you're just being obnoxious because you are a morning person. You want to connect, but maybe they don't. So respect that. This is an interesting one. Be curious about their world instead of just being so hyper focused on your agenda. And I know this is hard because you've got to get them up and they've got to get dressed and they have to eat, they've got to brush their teeth and they got to get put on their shoes and they've got to go to school and you've got a lot of stuff going on. Managing two, three, four different kids at the same time and it's busy. I get that. But watch how how this works. When we get hyper focused on our agenda, we miss a lot of clues. We miss little opportunities to connect and we just get anxious and then we snap at our kids and that causes the exact opposite response. So just try that tomorrow morning. Step out of your own agenda and anxiety over that and be curious about what's important to them. The hard part with many of your kids is their world isn't always that interesting. Did I really care about all the things that Casey was interested in? No. Mosa was kind of innate and dumb at times, but that was his World. So I took an interest. You get connected. It just helps. I like this one. Hey, we've got to leave 7:21. If you're ready by 7:14am Because I like interesting time limits. Because it sticks in the child's brain, especially your ADHD kids. If you're ready, that means we will have seven minutes of undivided attention. I'll give you seven minutes, and I'll be interested in something you're interested in. You can show me some TikTok videos, the things I hate more than anything else in the world. But if you're ready, I can do that. There's a little bit of a reward. Okay, number three, get to the root of it. So some of your kids have anxiety. They're gonna have separation anxiety when you drop them off at school. First thing I do with anxiety, and I've gotta do this quickly, is I just acknowledge it. Well, of course you're anxious because you're going to this place where sometimes you're bored. You don't always get along with kids your own age. Sometimes you're just not really into school. Of course you wouldn't want to go to school. See, you're just. You're not trying to convince them that school is good and they need to go. If you have a teenager at times you could say this. Hey, look, I wouldn't want to go either. You're stuck with all these other teenagers. You're not really interested in them and their world. And now you've got to go through all this arbitrary stuff that the school wants you to do. You know that most of it isn't important for your life. Look, just play the game. Just use those strategic thinking skills. Just get through it. Get the piece of paper. I don't have a problem with saying that, but I would acknowledge their anxiety, of course. Look, I get it. Your stomach's a little bit upset. Now, here's the antidote to anxiety that works really well. And you're gonna have to set this up with a child's teacher, is to ask the teacher and say, hey, could you give my child a specific job or mission to do when they come into school? Because if the teacher says, oh, man, Jacob, you are really good at doing X, I could really use your help. Could you be here five minutes every morning? Because you could help me get the class ready. You could help me with technology. Your kids like being helpful to other adults. That way, when your child gets up in the morning instead of all the unknowns, because that's what causes anxiety. Did I Study for the test. How am I going to do, am I going to be on red on the behavior chart? Who am I going to sit with in the cafeteria? Instead of that, their mind goes to, oh, my teacher said they need my help. They that will help with anxiety. Always get to the root of these different issues. Okay, now here's a T. Let's do kind of a tough approach to morning routine. So this is hard for many of you because you just want to try like the sweet connected approach to your kids. But sometimes you do have to be tough and expect more of them. And I would say it's ultimately a respect issue for your child of demonstrating, hey, I believe you're capable of doing this and I respect you enough to believe, oh, you're capable of getting up and going in the morning. See, there's a respect there. There's also a self respect aspect of this. And I'm going to demonstrate that. Remember, whenever I do a tough approach to discipline is even it is matter of fact, it is nothing personal in here. I'm not being snotty, I'm not lecturing, no drama and I'm very, very clear. So I did this with Casey because there was a point at which he was late every morning and I had to drive him to school and that made me late to my corporate job. And so you can't just let that stuff go all the time. So at one point I said, casey, here's the deal. We leave Every morning at 7:21am My time is very important. And so here's how it's going to work. From now on, for every minute that you are late past 7:21am you will choose to forfeit 10 minutes of your screen time or freedom playtime every evening. So this is very clear. For every minute that you take from me that you cause me to be late, you forfeit 10 minutes. You choose to forfeit 10 minutes of your time. And of course his first comment was, well, it's dumb, that's not fair. And I was like, I don't play fair, I play to win. I didn't really say that, but that's what's inside. I don't, when I do the tough approach, I go very tough because these kids only learn if it's really, really meaningful. And you know, I don't always do a ton of consequences, but at times it's really helpful to draw those boundaries and to be very, very clear about it. So the other point was that's a self respect issue. My time is very important and everything doesn't have to be catered to the strong willed child. Right. We just did anxiety and that's a real thing. And I'm understanding and compassionate about that. But I also like to give tools for the kids to overcome and deal with their anxiety. Your kids, many of them have ADHD and they're on the spectrum. So time management isn't awesome. That's why we manage their energy, not their time. And so I know this is a real issue, but I can't excuse it because they're going to have to be learned self discipline through the course of their life. So I said, here's how it works. So the first morning Casey gets in the car, I didn't say anything. I held up my phone so that he saw it was 7:24 and he's like, seriously, dad, I was only three minutes late this morning. That was good for me. And I was like, that is better for you, but you're still three minutes late. So you just chose, because it was his choice, you just chose to, to be. To forfeit 30 minutes of your screen time. So you can see how this is working. He was only three minutes late, but man, that was a little bit harsh. That's 30 minutes. And so what do you think the drive to school was like? Do you think it was pleasant? Do you think he said, father, thank you for enforcing this and teaching me self discipline. I know I'll value this skill inhabit the rest of my life? No, he didn't say that. He was upset the whole way. I remember him saying, like, this is dumb, this is stupid. You're supposed to be a parenting expert. Why would anybody listen to your stuff? And he was just trying to goad me. He wasn't upset at me, he was upset at himself. And he wasn't really happy when he got out of the car because he slammed the door and I got out because I wanted to ream him for that. But he knew that the teachers and school people were there and so I couldn't yell in front of them because I was still all learning this stuff too. So we get home that night and I pop in his room and like, hey, just wanted to remind you, this afternoon you chose to lose 30 minutes. So now did he respond well to that? No, of course not. And I don't expect him to. Right? That's part of the expectation thing. Of like, of course he's not going to say father, thank you for being consistent, following through it makes me feel safe as a child. Of course he's not going to say that. So I just said, hey, tomorrow morning I'll give you some tools and we'll make sure we'll be on time at 7:21 and next section, I'm going to go through giving kids tools because I don't want to set kids up for failure. And if you're always just giving consequences, that means you're not getting to the root of the issue. You're not connecting, you're not giving them tools. So the next morning, guess what? He's on time. And he started to learn how to do that. So in our curriculum, what you hear in our discipline program, which I just updated, by the way, it's in your app, if you have our programs, is I was keeping my promise to him. I promise you that if you are three minutes late, you will forfeit 30 minutes of your time. And now, see, I'm keeping my promise to you. That's personal integrity. You can count on me, even when that makes you upset at me and you're not happy with me. So let's try that part now. Tools. It's one of my favorite things. So let's talk about that now.
- [13:51]
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- [14:41]
Kirk Martin
You should as well.
- [14:42]
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- [14:52]
Kirk Martin
Travel packs in your first box.
- [14:54]
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- [16:23]
Kirk Martin
So instead of always just giving kids consequences for failure, failing to complete a task, I preferred my to put my energy into giving them tools to succeed. To create successes, connecting with your kids is a tool to use. But here are some of my other favorite ones. I love doing a treasure hunt in the morning of waking your child up and saying, hey, I hid something in the basement in the backyard. You know, I love the idea of hey, I hid your breakfast outside. Bet you can't find it. Because a lot of our kids love challenges. They like solving puzzles. Many of your kids will be happy as a clam sitting outside and eating their breakfast all alone with nobody bugging them. It's a fun thing to do. But treasure hunt in the basement can be fun. You can turn it around. And some mornings, hey, after you're ready, why don't you hide something? And I have to find it. Kids love stumping their parents. I love an obstacle course. Most of you have kids who have sensory processing needs and so creating a little obstacle course in the basement or the backyard where your kids have to crawl under, crawl over things, push and pull things, giving them a challenge with that and saying things like, hey, bet you can't do X sometimes. Really, really helpful. I used to leave notes in the morning for Casey at times when I had There were times where I had to go to work really, really early and I'd say, hey, I need your help with something. Hey, I don't know if you're strong enough because he liked that challenge, but I could really use your help. I forgot to move this bag of mulch in the backyard. Could you dig this hole for me? Casey really liked Very physical work. So work with your kids natural traits. A lot of times what's happening with the strong will kids is you're trying to get them to be more like you or like their siblings or like other kids. Work with their strengths. Spend more time trying to cultivate their strengths than just trying to fix all their weaknesses or just because sometimes you've got to watch sometimes. We continually put our kids in a position where they just fail. And so they eventually inside are like, nobody's ever happy with me, I'm never successful. And so they just give up. And so you work with their nature. And so Casey used to love those notes when he was a little kid. You know what one I love? I love giving kids adult type jobs because your kids are good at the adult world. So even a challenge of like, hey, you get up this morning, do you think you can make some coffee for me or for us? Because many of your kids will drink coffee in the morning. I'm not recommending that. But Casey drank coffee from a young age and that the caffeine actually stimulated his brain, actually helped him focus pretty well. So. But the whole idea of now they're making coffee in the morning, that's a grown up kind of thing to do. And your kids tend to be better at that, like making their own breakfast in the morning. Just know that they're going to make a mess and they're not going to clean up well, and that's okay. So I wanted to read this. This is kind of cool. Right before I went to record this, I got this email from a mom and she said, thanks for helping families who want to break these generational patterns. I love that because that's what we're after, right? That's the big win. And I have so much respect for you moms and dads who are breaking generational patterns because that's your life's work in a sense, right? The deep emotional work so your kids don't struggle with the same things you did. But she said, I've been discussing with my husband about making this investment to get your programs for a couple weeks now. And today while listening to your latest podcast, two of my four kiddos were in the room while it was playing. And I heard my nine year old say to his six year old sister, shh, I can't hear this. So I turned to him and said, do you like listening to this guy? And my son said to me, yeah, he helps me and he's kind of really funny. And she said, at that moment I knew I needed to buy your program. And the point of sharing this is do let your kids listen to this podcast. Make sure I don't say any really bad words. I try not to in here, but let them listen to this. Let them listen to the programs. You will have such good conversations with your kids. Ask them what kind of tools do you want in the morning. What could we do differently every morning? Ask them at times about a tougher approach. What would work. It's really interesting what they say. There are no secrets here. It's not like we're the parents over here and they're the kids over there. It's all understanding human relationships. And your kids are very good in the adult world. So having these adult conversations with them can be really eye opening. Okay, Number six, ownership. You know, I've been through this before. You have to give your kids ownership of their choices within your boundaries. So one of my favorite ones, maybe you've heard this one before, is this. Hey, son, daughter, I have one goal for you in the morning. I want you on that school bus in the car by 7:21am I don't care how you get ready. I don't care what you look like, what you smell like. I don't care what's in your stomach. If you are smart enough to wear the clothes to bed that you are going to wear to school the next morning, that's brilliant. You can sleep until 7:19, roll out of bed, grab a pop Tart from underneath your bed and you can run out to the school bus in your bare feet. I don't care. If you want to hide some flip flops on the bus the night before, leave it there. I don't care how you get it done. Now here's the hard part. You do care, and so do I, because you and I are adults. So we have routines and we know the most efficient, effective way to. To get everything done. And we want our kids to get up in the morning, get a little bit of exercise and eat blueberries and avocados so they have antioxidants and good healthy fats in there so their brains are ready to learn. And we want them to look nice going into school because you have to dress for success. And we have all these things that we want and all of those things are good. But your strong will, kids, the more that you care about something, the more that they will reject it. The more that you lecture them about food, they're never going to say like, mom, Dad, I didn't realize what I was putting in my body was so Unhealthy. But now that you lectured me for the 16th straight time, all of a sudden, light bulb went off. This is not going to happen. They have to come to it on themselves. And I'm going to do a whole thing on food and all of that, but I want to give kids ownership. The hard part is you have to relinquish control over how your kids get ready and do different things all within your boundaries. And the cool thing is your kids will learn how to get up and be on that school bus in the car by 7:21. If you can control your own anxiety, let them do it in weird ways. And I can tell you, with our son, it drove me crazy. I hated the way he got ready in the morning because you can see so clearly that's not the best way to do it. It'd be so much more efficient. Why don't you just do it this way way. But the more you push, the more they'll just do it opposite of you. The more that you model and that you then. And the seventh thing I had written down was affirm for progress, not perfection. The more you come to them at the end of the day, if they, if they made the school bus at 7:21am and you didn't like the way they did it and their hair was a mess and they looked awful and, and their stuff was falling out of their backpack while they're running to the back the. The bus stop because they're not going to wear their jacket anyway, so stop with that big fight. So if you come to them and just say like, fist bump, like, hey, nice job making the bus this morning. But inside you're like, that was horrible. It's a train wreck. I'm so embarrassed by you. The more that you affirm them and you give them space, they will end up doing things more your way if you don't push it so much and if you don't lecture. So let's take these strategies. Okay, this week and let's apply it to different parts of the day. So how controlling our own anxiety, getting to the root of different issues. Step back a little bit and say, hey, why am I getting this? Resistance and anxiety is often a very common one. Work on connecting with your kids. You know, we love that one. But sometimes you can't just connect. Sometimes you've got to be tough. No drama even. Matter of fact, keep your promises and then spend a lot of time giving your kids tools. And one of those tools is giving them ownership. If you need help, reach out to us. Go through the programs. We've got them on sale right now because we show you how to do this for every part of the day. And on the program. People ask this all the time on the programs. I can go through like eight different variations for each situation, various versus like sometimes on the podcast, I can't get into the details. There's a lot more brain science and a lot more depth in the programs. But even without that, let your kids listen to the podcast. Have good discussions about that. But thank you for working on breaking your generational patterns. Thank you for interacting on the on our Instagram pages, which is where I spend most of my time on social media. And I really appreciate you all. Thanks for sharing the podcast. We'll talk to you next week. Got some really cool podcasts coming up that I'm excited about, so love you. I'll talk to you soon. Bye.