Kirk Martin (0:00)

Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

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Kirk Martin (1:20)

So I know having a strong willed child is really challenging. How many of you struggle just to get your kids into bed at night and then the next morning it's hard to get them out out of bed. You have kids who don't want to go places, but once they're there they have a great time. So transitions are tough. Getting kids moving can be really hard. So on this episode of the podcast, I'm going to focus on some strategies for morning routine. But you can use these for situations all throughout the day. And I want to give you a range of options because there's not just one way to handle this with our kids. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our winter sale@celebratecalm.com so number one, you always have to control your own anxiety first. Because if you get up in the morning, I know you're dreading that power struggle at 6:43am but just take 30 seconds and adjust your own attitude. Expect push back, control your tone of voice because if you come into the bedroom with that anxious tone, Got to get up, got to get up. Got to get up. We already discussed that couple episodes. Again, kids aren't rejecting your authority, they're rejecting your anxiety. Control your body posture, how you walk into the room. So work on that. Number two, let's connect with our kids. One of my favorite strategies is connection. Because, you know, connection tends to breed more cooperation. I'm going to get to tough discipline in a minute, but connection, you know, easy one. Tomorrow morning, wake your kids up with a compliment. Not fake praise, but just say, you know what? I've noticed something. You're really good at doing X. You're really good at seeing in three dimensions. You're good at picturing things and putting things together. You're good at seeing patterns in things. I. I love this phrase as well. You know what I was thinking? I wish I was more like you in this one particular area because you're really good at speaking up for yourself. You know what you want. And I wish I was a little bit more assertive like that. You're just being honest and recognizing good qualities in them. It's a great way to wake kids up. Ask your kids their opinion about something and this is a good one. Hey, if you get ready, come downstairs. I'd love to hear your opinion on X. Because our kids are often very opinionated. Here's a good one. Just be quiet in the morning. Respect the fact that some of your kids just don't want to talk. So respect that they're not necessarily being rude. Sometimes you're just being obnoxious because you are a morning person. You want to connect, but maybe they don't. So respect that. This is an interesting one. Be curious about their world instead of just being so hyper focused on your agenda. And I know this is hard because you've got to get them up and they've got to get dressed and they have to eat, they've got to brush their teeth and they got to get put on their shoes and they've got to go to school and you've got a lot of stuff going on. Managing two, three, four different kids at the same time and it's busy. I get that. But watch how how this works. When we get hyper focused on our agenda, we miss a lot of clues. We miss little opportunities to connect and we just get anxious and then we snap at our kids and that causes the exact opposite response. So just try that tomorrow morning. Step out of your own agenda and anxiety over that and be curious about what's important to them. The hard part with many of your kids is their world isn't always that interesting. Did I really care about all the things that Casey was interested in? No. Mosa was kind of innate and dumb at times, but that was his World. So I took an interest. You get connected. It just helps. I like this one. Hey, we've got to leave 7:21. If you're ready by 7:14am Because I like interesting time limits. Because it sticks in the child's brain, especially your ADHD kids. If you're ready, that means we will have seven minutes of undivided attention. I'll give you seven minutes, and I'll be interested in something you're interested in. You can show me some TikTok videos, the things I hate more than anything else in the world. But if you're ready, I can do that. There's a little bit of a reward. Okay, number three, get to the root of it. So some of your kids have anxiety. They're gonna have separation anxiety when you drop them off at school. First thing I do with anxiety, and I've gotta do this quickly, is I just acknowledge it. Well, of course you're anxious because you're going to this place where sometimes you're bored. You don't always get along with kids your own age. Sometimes you're just not really into school. Of course you wouldn't want to go to school. See, you're just. You're not trying to convince them that school is good and they need to go. If you have a teenager at times you could say this. Hey, look, I wouldn't want to go either. You're stuck with all these other teenagers. You're not really interested in them and their world. And now you've got to go through all this arbitrary stuff that the school wants you to do. You know that most of it isn't important for your life. Look, just play the game. Just use those strategic thinking skills. Just get through it. Get the piece of paper. I don't have a problem with saying that, but I would acknowledge their anxiety, of course. Look, I get it. Your stomach's a little bit upset. Now, here's the antidote to anxiety that works really well. And you're gonna have to set this up with a child's teacher, is to ask the teacher and say, hey, could you give my child a specific job or mission to do when they come into school? Because if the teacher says, oh, man, Jacob, you are really good at doing X, I could really use your help. Could you be here five minutes every morning? Because you could help me get the class ready. You could help me with technology. Your kids like being helpful to other adults. That way, when your child gets up in the morning instead of all the unknowns, because that's what causes anxiety. Did I Study for the test. How am I going to do, am I going to be on red on the behavior chart? Who am I going to sit with in the cafeteria? Instead of that, their mind goes to, oh, my teacher said they need my help. They that will help with anxiety. Always get to the root of these different issues. Okay, now here's a T. Let's do kind of a tough approach to morning routine. So this is hard for many of you because you just want to try like the sweet connected approach to your kids. But sometimes you do have to be tough and expect more of them. And I would say it's ultimately a respect issue for your child of demonstrating, hey, I believe you're capable of doing this and I respect you enough to believe, oh, you're capable of getting up and going in the morning. See, there's a respect there. There's also a self respect aspect of this. And I'm going to demonstrate that. Remember, whenever I do a tough approach to discipline is even it is matter of fact, it is nothing personal in here. I'm not being snotty, I'm not lecturing, no drama and I'm very, very clear. So I did this with Casey because there was a point at which he was late every morning and I had to drive him to school and that made me late to my corporate job. And so you can't just let that stuff go all the time. So at one point I said, casey, here's the deal. We leave Every morning at 7:21am My time is very important. And so here's how it's going to work. From now on, for every minute that you are late past 7:21am you will choose to forfeit 10 minutes of your screen time or freedom playtime every evening. So this is very clear. For every minute that you take from me that you cause me to be late, you forfeit 10 minutes. You choose to forfeit 10 minutes of your time. And of course his first comment was, well, it's dumb, that's not fair. And I was like, I don't play fair, I play to win. I didn't really say that, but that's what's inside. I don't, when I do the tough approach, I go very tough because these kids only learn if it's really, really meaningful. And you know, I don't always do a ton of consequences, but at times it's really helpful to draw those boundaries and to be very, very clear about it. So the other point was that's a self respect issue. My time is very important and everything doesn't have to be catered to the strong willed child. Right. We just did anxiety and that's a real thing. And I'm understanding and compassionate about that. But I also like to give tools for the kids to overcome and deal with their anxiety. Your kids, many of them have ADHD and they're on the spectrum. So time management isn't awesome. That's why we manage their energy, not their time. And so I know this is a real issue, but I can't excuse it because they're going to have to be learned self discipline through the course of their life. So I said, here's how it works. So the first morning Casey gets in the car, I didn't say anything. I held up my phone so that he saw it was 7:24 and he's like, seriously, dad, I was only three minutes late this morning. That was good for me. And I was like, that is better for you, but you're still three minutes late. So you just chose, because it was his choice, you just chose to, to be. To forfeit 30 minutes of your screen time. So you can see how this is working. He was only three minutes late, but man, that was a little bit harsh. That's 30 minutes. And so what do you think the drive to school was like? Do you think it was pleasant? Do you think he said, father, thank you for enforcing this and teaching me self discipline. I know I'll value this skill inhabit the rest of my life? No, he didn't say that. He was upset the whole way. I remember him saying, like, this is dumb, this is stupid. You're supposed to be a parenting expert. Why would anybody listen to your stuff? And he was just trying to goad me. He wasn't upset at me, he was upset at himself. And he wasn't really happy when he got out of the car because he slammed the door and I got out because I wanted to ream him for that. But he knew that the teachers and school people were there and so I couldn't yell in front of them because I was still all learning this stuff too. So we get home that night and I pop in his room and like, hey, just wanted to remind you, this afternoon you chose to lose 30 minutes. So now did he respond well to that? No, of course not. And I don't expect him to. Right? That's part of the expectation thing. Of like, of course he's not going to say father, thank you for being consistent, following through it makes me feel safe as a child. Of course he's not going to say that. So I just said, hey, tomorrow morning I'll give you some tools and we'll make sure we'll be on time at 7:21 and next section, I'm going to go through giving kids tools because I don't want to set kids up for failure. And if you're always just giving consequences, that means you're not getting to the root of the issue. You're not connecting, you're not giving them tools. So the next morning, guess what? He's on time. And he started to learn how to do that. So in our curriculum, what you hear in our discipline program, which I just updated, by the way, it's in your app, if you have our programs, is I was keeping my promise to him. I promise you that if you are three minutes late, you will forfeit 30 minutes of your time. And now, see, I'm keeping my promise to you. That's personal integrity. You can count on me, even when that makes you upset at me and you're not happy with me. So let's try that part now. Tools. It's one of my favorite things. So let's talk about that now.