Calm Parenting Podcast Episode #560

My Son, Casey, Explains How My Changing As A Dad Affected Him
Host: Kirk Martin
Guest: Casey Martin (son), Joe Sanok (guest interviewer)
Release Date: February 6, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode features a candid, intergenerational conversation about how deliberate changes in parenting—especially from a "my way or the highway" father to a more self-aware, calm parent—deeply affected the relationship between Kirk Martin and his son, Casey. Interviewed by Joe Sanok, the pair reflect on their journey, emotional expression in men, and new models of masculinity and parenthood with practical strategies and heartfelt honesty.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Origin Story: From Authoritarian to Calm Parenting

(Starts 04:25)

• Kirk: Grew up with a career-military, authoritarian father. Initially adopted that "my way or the highway" style.
• Quote:
  "I thought, oh, I'll just do what my dad did...and the strong willed kids just fight twice as hard. What I learned was it wasn't about changing Casey's behavior, it was learning how to control my own." (04:55)
• Realization: True change occurred when he focused on altering his own reactions and emotional patterns, not just his child’s behavior.

2. Casey’s Perspective on the Shift

(Starts 05:46)

• Casey: The shift was distinct, not gradual—between ages 8–10, Kirk began to focus on managing himself rather than trying to control Casey.
• Quote:
  "It was a very distinct shift... He started taking interest in the way my brain worked, which was very different from his.” (05:46–06:10)
• What mattered: Feeling understood and the humility his father modeled by changing ingrained patterns.

3. Questioning Consequence-Based Parenting

(Starts 07:46)

• Kirk: For strong-willed kids, typical consequences don’t work—they value autonomy over imposed discipline.
• Quote:
  “Consequences don’t work. They just don’t care because they don’t care about losing stuff. They care about losing their autonomy and their agency.” (07:46)
• Importance of adjusting strategies—finding a middle ground between authoritarian and overly permissive styles.

4. Modeling Humility and Openness for Sons

(09:21)

• Casey: Seeing his dad humble himself and try new approaches profoundly impacted his view of adulthood and relationships.
• Quote:
  “To watch that and realize, okay, you can step back, humble yourself, learn new skills, that was huge for me.” (09:21)
• Notes the challenge and courage in changing generational patterns.

5. Kirk’s Practical Shift Techniques

(10:43)

• Kirk: Committed to self-work, such as “doing the opposite”—e.g., sitting down instead of looming over, staying calm.
• Quote:
  “I’ll do the opposite of what I normally do. Instead of walking to a room like this, standing over my son, I’ll walk into a room and sit down. It just changes the dynamic.” (11:14)
• Found it “addictive” because change in his behavior led to changes in his son.

6. Emotional Expression in Men: What Does “Calm” Mean?

(Starts 12:59)

• Both reject that calmness equals emotional suppression—intensity and emotion are natural; it’s about response, not reaction.
• Kirk:
  “You can feel frustrated, angry, anxious about your child's behavior. You just don’t want to react out of that because it sabotages every interaction.” (15:57)
• Don’t take your child’s behavior personally; use analogies from work for collaborative problem-solving.

7. Tools for Healthy Family Dynamics

(Starts 18:35)

• Joe: Implements “three options” for his daughters (agree/do, disagree respectfully, or refuse—each with clear consequences).
• Casey: Advocates for respectful disagreement and “earning” freedoms to build parental trust.
  • “I started coming home a couple minutes early...to show my parents they could trust me. Then they gave me more freedom.” (21:30)

8. Teaching Independence and Agency

(Starts 22:26–24:50)

• Parenting goal: Help children “be the boss of themselves.”
• Encourage autonomy with gradual steps, e.g., letting kids handle their schedules, responsibilities.
• Joe: Shares story of his daughter taking over her morning routine (24:10); such experiments breed self-reliance.

9. Redefining Masculinity for the Next Generation

(Starts 25:44)

• Casey: New masculinity = humility, willingness to admit mistakes, seeking help, and measuring manhood by the quality of one's relationships.
• Quote:
  “The willingness to admit you’re wrong, that’s a huge one. I want masculinity to be measured by what relationships I have.” (25:44)
• Kirk: Younger generations are more self-aware and emotionally intelligent, balancing traditional strength with emotional openness.

10. Avoiding Binary Masculinity Stereotypes

(29:14)

• Online “toxic versus soft” binaries are false—real men blend assertiveness, empathy, and nuance.
• Kirk:
  “If I could change one thing, it would be dads who aren’t willing to admit their own weaknesses. If they will just change themselves, they will radically change their families.” (31:10)

11. Father-Son Bonding: Practical Advice

(38:05)

• Kirk:
  1. Take interest in what your kid likes (even if you hate it!).
  2. Spend “agenda-free time” together.
  3. Let your child teach you something.
• Casey: These intentionally built bonds made space for trust and deeper communication.

12. Adult Sons Understanding Fathers

(Starts 40:56)

• Casey: Bring humility and curiosity to adult parent-child relationships.
  • “We want your generation to understand us, but we don’t always try to understand you. We need to ask about your experiences too.” (41:44)
• Kirk: Understanding family history provides context for generational patterns.

13. Final Advice for Practitioners

(43:07)

• Kirk: Trust your instincts and be authentic with clients.
• Casey: Normalize men’s struggles in therapy—being non-judgmental and open is especially impactful.
  • “The most helpful thing in therapy was just realizing that…that’s totally normal.” (44:00)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “There’s one person in life that I can control, that’s myself. That’s the quickest way to change your child’s behavior.” —Kirk Martin (04:55)
• “My dad cared enough to change the way he was doing something to make our relationship better. Now as an adult, I appreciate that a lot more, because I realize how difficult it is to change patterns.” —Casey Martin (09:38)
• “You want your daughters to be able to talk to anybody—because AI is probably going to take away the job, but if you can talk to people, that’s one of the best things.” —Joe Sanok (36:28)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 04:25 – Kirk’s background; learning from authoritarian parenting
• 05:46 – Casey’s clear memory of the “big shift”
• 07:46 – Why consequences don’t work for strong-willed kids
• 09:21 – Casey on the gift of humility and change
• 10:43 – Kirk describes specific self-management strategies
• 12:59 – Emotional expression and “staying calm” as a parent
• 18:35 – Joe’s “three options” approach for his kids
• 21:00 – Casey’s respectful advocacy for more freedom
• 22:26 – Kirk on the ultimate goal: kids being their own bosses
• 25:44 – Redefining masculinity across generations
• 29:54 – The false binary of masculinity and real challenges faced
• 38:05 – Practical bonding activities for father-son connection
• 40:56 – Humility and curiosity for adult sons relating to fathers
• 43:07 – Final advice for therapists

Takeaways

• Authentic Change Matters: Kids notice (and appreciate later) when parents do the hard work to change.
• Emotional Intelligence is Strength: Humility, vulnerability, and openness are at the heart of modern positive masculinity.
• Be Curious Together: Curiosity, respectful disagreement, and giving kids room to advocate trains self-reliance and deeper trust.
• Bond Over Their Interests: Connect on your kid’s turf—even if it’s not your favorite place.
• Therapists (and parents): Be authentic, normalize challenges, and trust your instincts.

Find more at celebratecalm.com or listen to new episodes of the Calm Parenting Podcast for further tips and stories.