One Secret to Change Misbehavior & Build Confidence

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast Summary

Episode: One Secret to Change Misbehavior & Build Confidence
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: October 30, 2022
Website: www.CelebrateCalm.com

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Introduction: Understanding the Struggle

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, delves into effective strategies for parents dealing with strong-willed children who frequently misbehave. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk offers a refreshing perspective on transforming parent-child dynamics.

[01:20] Kirk Martin: "So you have a child who just struggles, right? ... And I'm going to give you a very, very powerful tool to do that."

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The Ineffectiveness of Traditional Consequences

Kirk begins by critiquing the conventional approach many parents take—using consequences to punish misbehavior. He asserts that this method often leads to repetitive power struggles without fostering meaningful behavioral change.

[02:20] Kirk Martin: "Consequences don't change behavior, because what we're really doing is punishing a child for messing up."

Shifting the Paradigm: Creating Successes

Instead of focusing on punishment, Kirk proposes a paradigm shift towards creating successes for the child. He emphasizes understanding that struggling is part of the child's nature and that parents can play a pivotal role in fostering environments where children can succeed.

[03:10] Kirk Martin: "Instead of punishing a child for failure, what if I know my child struggles and I come along and give them tools to succeed and I begin to create successes."

Practical Strategies for Building Confidence

Kirk outlines actionable strategies for parents to implement over the next two weeks—and beyond—to cultivate success and build their child's confidence:

1. Identify Strengths and Assign Responsibilities

   • Encourage parents to recognize their child's unique talents and assign specific jobs that align with these strengths.

   [04:15] Kirk Martin: "What are submissions and specific jobs that your child can do that he'll succeed when he does it right, and begin doing that."

2. Utilize Sensory-Friendly Activities

   • For sensory-sensitive children, engaging in activities like landscaping, lifting, or other hands-on tasks can meet their sensory needs while fostering responsibility.

   [06:41] Kirk Martin: "Use their unique talents. Use their curiosity."

3. Positive Affirmations and Reinforcement

   • Consistently affirm and celebrate the child's successes to reinforce positive behavior and build self-esteem.

   [08:00] Kirk Martin: "Affirm your child for being a hard worker, for doing a good job."

4. Create Acceptable Challenges

   • Instead of rigidly enforcing rules, present challenges that allow children to push boundaries safely, fostering independence and confidence.

   [14:10] Kirk Martin: "Can we create an acceptable challenge to give your child with his bike that lets him push the boundaries as kids are supposed to do, but still remain within an acceptable range."

Acceptance and Embracing the Child's Nature

Kirk emphasizes the importance of parental acceptance of their child's inherent traits. He advises against trying to manipulate or change the child forcefully, advocating instead for collaboration and support.

[09:40] Kirk Martin: "Stop trying to think that some magic thing's going to come along and fix or change who your child is. This is who your child is."

He also highlights the significance of parents working on their own challenges, such as rigidity or anxiety, to create a more supportive environment for their children.

[19:08] Kirk Martin: "Work on your control issues. Work on your own anxiety or your child will feel like he or she can never live up."

Building a Positive Home Environment

Kirk advises parents to focus on creating a home filled with positive interactions and constructive activities. By doing so, children begin to associate home with success and support rather than conflict and punishment.

[13:59] Kirk Martin: "There's nothing wrong with that. I want lots of positive interactions. I want a lot of constructive things your child is doing."

Consistent Affirmation and Positive Reinforcement

Regularly acknowledging and celebrating the child's positive actions helps reinforce good behavior and boosts their self-confidence. Kirk encourages parents to make affirmations a daily practice.

[20:15] Kirk Martin: "Catch your child making good choices. Give them fist bumps. Hey, well done, son."

Leveraging External Opportunities

Kirk suggests involving the community and leveraging external opportunities where children can thrive and feel valued. This includes engaging with neighbors, participating in community tasks, or taking on responsibilities outside the home.

[10:50] Kirk Martin: "Even if you have to pay the neighbor to give your child that job. ... Hey, listen, can you get my son to come over and rake the leaves, walk your dog?"

Conclusion: Empowering Parents for Long-Term Success

Kirk wraps up the episode by reiterating the long-term benefits of his approach, promising that consistent implementation will lead to significant behavioral improvements and enhanced self-confidence in children. He encourages parents to utilize the resources available on Celebrate Calm and take advantage of their offerings to support their parenting journey.

[20:50] Kirk Martin: "For the next two weeks, give your child purposeful missions, jobs they can do well. Affirm, notice, encourage, Create the successes."

Notable Quotes

• Understanding Misbehavior:

  [02:20] Kirk Martin: "Consequences don't change behavior, because what we're really doing is punishing a child for messing up."

• Creating Successes Over Punishment:

  [03:10] Kirk Martin: "Instead of punishing a child for failure, what if I know my child struggles and I come along and give them tools to succeed and I begin to create successes."

• Parental Acceptance:

  [09:40] Kirk Martin: "Stop trying to think that some magic thing's going to come along and fix or change who your child is. This is who your child is."

• Building Confidence:

  [08:00] Kirk Martin: "Affirm your child for being a hard worker, for doing a good job."

• Empowering Through Responsibility:

  [14:10] Kirk Martin: "Can we create an acceptable challenge to give your child with his bike that lets him push the boundaries as kids are supposed to do, but still remain within an acceptable range."

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Final Thoughts

Kirk Martin's Calm Parenting Podcast episode offers a transformative approach to parenting strong-willed children. By shifting focus from punishment to empowerment, parents can foster environments where their children feel valued, confident, and motivated to succeed. Implementing these strategies not only mitigates misbehavior but also builds a foundation for long-term confidence and positive relationships within the family.

For more resources and support, visit www.CelebrateCalm.com and explore their comprehensive tools designed to help parents create a harmonious and successful family dynamic.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

[Casey]

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[Kirk Martin]

So you have a child who just struggles, right? And it's been a struggle sometimes since they came out of the womb and they're in trouble all the time. And inside you're like, if listen to me or just do simple things, it doesn't have to be that hard. You wouldn't be in trouble all the time and I wouldn't have to take away things. We don't have to fight over this. And maybe your child gets in trouble at school. Or more likely, your child is great at school, but then comes home and unloads on you. It's just difficult at home. But this child, you've heard your child say things like, I'm dumb, I'm stupid, you don't like me, I don't like myself. I wish I hadn't been born. I'm a bad kid. I want to reverse that. And so I want to give you a very, very powerful tool to do that. And we're going to focus on this, not for a week, but for the next two weeks and the next two years and the next 20 years. Because it works. That's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[Unknown]

So welcome.

[Kirk Martin]

This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] look, we had all of these kids in our home. We had over the course of a decade, about 1500 kids like this in. In our home, our own son was like this. And so, you know the hard part? Sometimes it's just being honest. I know what works and I know what doesn't work right. And it's all the things that I did wrong and that you're probably not doing all that well, that it doesn't work. And so it gets frustrating at times because I'm like, dads. No, it's not just tougher discipline. Yeah, you've got to discipline your kids. And I like being firm. Even matter of fact, I like tough discipline. But look, there's one of two ways that you can change and deal with. Let's call it misbehavior. The way that we commonly do it is a child misbehaves, does something wrong, and we react and we give a consequence. We've already established a hundred times, consequences don't change behavior, because if they did, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast and you'd have a happy home, because that's all we ever do is consequences, consequences, consequences. It doesn't change behavior because what we're really doing is punishing a child for messing up. But what if you switch that around and say, I know my child's going to struggle. I know, because my child came out of the womb arguing with me. Right. And picking on his siblings and doing all of these things. It's not like this is new. Now, for some of you, it may have just kicked in because they just started preschool or third grade, where school gets harder. They're in middle school or high school, something kicked in. It doesn't matter. This process still works. So here's what I want to do. Instead of punishing a child for failure, what if I know my child struggles and I come along and give them tools to succeed and I begin to create successes? That's what I want us to begin doing. And I'm going to give you ideas right now, some different ways to do that, but I want to hammer that home for two weeks. Let's create successes at school, at home, with mom, with dad, with everybody, with the grandparents, wherever they are, at Taekwondo, at their sporting event, whatever they're doing, we're going to begin creating successes. Side note, if you need help with this, reach out to Casey. It's Casey. C A s e y celebratecolm.com, tell us about your family. We'll give you ideas how to create successes. You know, it would help even more if you took advantage of the black Friday sale. We're doing a huge sale on the get everything package. Why? Because then you get everything. It's. And you have all of these ideas. There's literally hundreds of ideas. And I know this stuff works. And it's like, I want to tell people, like, stop. Stop, like, messing around with other stuff and seeing if it works. This works. You know it works because you've tried it at home, and I want you to have the whole package of it, and you get it on this really cool app. It's so easy. It's like, download it right to your app. It's like, right on your phone, on your computer. You share with your spouse, with teachers, with the grandparents, with everybody. I don't care. I want people to listen so we can help our kids be successful. So go on the website, celebratecall.com you'll see it's a big Black Friday sale. It just comes as an instant download. And instantly you can begin making these changes. Enough of that. So here's what I want to begin doing. What are submissions and specific jobs that your child can do that he'll succeed when he does it right, and begin doing that. Hey, Jacob, you know what I could really use your help doing? X Look, the way to build confidence in life isn't just to go along saying, like, oh, you're so good at that. It's giving kids things to do and adults things to do that they're naturally good at doing. Because when you're good at something, it naturally builds your confidence. And what happens to our kids is. Think about it. We tell our kids, look, your entire childhood is based on having good behavior and good grades. Well, what happens to the strong will kids like Most of our kids? Well, I'm not really that awesome at behavior, and I don't like school, so why would I even try? I'm 0 for 2 on everything everybody cares about. And everybody always seems disappointed in me. No wonder they fight back and they get defiant or they shut down. So create successes. What are your kids good at doing? Begin giving them those jobs. Let's spend the next two weeks giving your child opportunities to shine.

[Unknown]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Use their unique talents. Use their curiosity.

[Unknown]

Right?

If you have a younger child or.

[Kirk Martin]

An older one that likes lifting or moving heavy objects, we'll create opportunities for them to help you or neighbors or relatives or teachers. By digging stuff in the backyard, by lifting stuff, moving stuff, shoveling mulch. I don't care. Order a truckload of mulch, put it in your backyard. If you have a sensory kid, that kid will probably love just moving that mulch every single day. It feels good. I know kids that like picking weeds. I don't. You know why they like it? Because it's sensory. They pull on something and then they get to make a pile of it. And there's that immediate gratification of that spot that was filled with weeds now looks nice. And I've got this pile over here. That's why some of you like cleaning or you like painting because something was dirty. Now it's clean. It makes you feel in order. But in this sense, we're also using a child's sensory needs and meeting those sensory needs. Brainstorm as many different ways as possible for your child to use what he's already good at. I want to issue a caution here. Stop yourself from going immediately to. Well, we'd allow him to do some things he's good at, but first he's got to do his chores, he's got to do his homework, and he has to stop doing X, Y and Z. Don't go there. Let's. I understand completely. This child may be really difficult messing up. It's that chicken and egg thing we get all the time with schools, right? It's like you have a child and you want them to have a job running the AV stuff, computer stuff, or maybe being a crossing guard. But the school's like, well, you know, if his behavior improves, then we'll let him do it. But the truth is, if you gave that child a specific job at school, a responsibility, even a grown up, more adult type job, being the crossing guard, running the computer system, hacking into it and giving himself all A's, whatever it is, right? If you gave him that job, I promise you, when he feels good about himself and he has responsibility and something that he loves, he will be more motivated to improve in school, right? You give him the job. So brainstorm that. Then affirm your child for being a hard worker, for doing a good job. Don't forget to affirm them for the next two weeks. Find out what they're already doing well and focus relentlessly on that instead of just picking out, well, good job. But okay, so is there. Here's another one. Get neighbors. Your kids love helping other people, just not you. It's just the way that it is. Stop. Do you mind if I'm a little bit angry and it's not angry. I just wanted you to get this through of like, stop fighting everything, right? There's a deep level of acceptance that you're going to need to have with this child, right? Because I work with parents all the time. Well, I'm changing. Why isn't my child changing? I'm like, that's not the point. You change because it's the right thing to do for you to change.

[Unknown]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

But stop doing it in order to manipulate your child into changing. Stop trying to think that some magic thing's going to come along and fix or change who your child is. This is who your child is. It's who he's going to be when he's 38, right? I'm 56. I am still like this. I still. All of my friends are older than me. I'm not a joiner. I like doing things my own way. That's why I own celebrate calm.com. because I don't want to work for somebody else anymore. I like. You know what? I like who I am. I like how this works. I want your kids to like who they are and I want you to normalize it because we make it. Even when I say, like, if you have a strong willed child, we shouldn't do that, Really, I should be doing a podcast? If you have a child who's like a people pleaser and never breaks the rules, then your child is going to have some real issues in life because they're going to grow up and be resentful like a lot of you. And if they're a girl, they're going to grow up and marry a controlling man. You know that's true because most of you did that, right? So let's, let's stop trying to fix these kids and realize this is who your kid is. So stop fighting it and work with it. Your kids are awesome for other people, so why not use that to your advantage? Is there a job that a neighbor could give your child to do, helping them in some way? And I'm not being funny with this, I'm deadly serious. Even if you have to pay the neighbor to give your child that job. Hey, listen, can you get my son to come over and rake the leaves, walk your dog? I'll give you 10 bucks if you give it to him to do it a few times a week.

[Unknown]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Unknown]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Unknown]

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[Kirk Martin]

There's nothing wrong with that. I want lots of positive interactions. I want a lot of constructive things your child is doing. I don't really care right now about whether it did his homework or not or or whether he did his chore. I want a lot of positive, constructive things happening around the home because one and outside home because once you get in that mode and your child gets in that mode of like wow, I'm really good at that. And other adults are coming along saying man, you're really responsible. You did that better than anybody else. Man, I could really use your help. That builds confidence, that changes behavior, changes how you feel about yourself. So Create successes at home. Dads. Give your child a specific mission your child can complete and then affirm a Make it fun, make it a game. Hey, bet you can't do X, right? Look, let's try to turn some common situations into successes. This is really important. I was working with a family the other day, phone consultation. They were like, yeah, but you know, my son just rides his bike and he rides it too fast. I was like, what? What boy doesn't ride his bike too fast? Look, their job is to push the limits, right? It would be weird. I love this formula. It would be weird if a 9 year old boy just always rode his bike at the perfect speed, completely safe all the time. That would be weird. It's normal. You get a few kids together, boys or girls, doesn't matter, and they're riding their bikes, of course they're gonna crash into each other. Why wouldn't you do that? We did that as kids. We watered down our asphalt driveway because when you put water on it makes it really slick. We rode down the street and then we turned fast, really fast into our driveway and tried to skid into each other and knock each other down. Why? Because we were idiot kids. And that's what we did. And it was fun. And you know why our parents didn't yell at us? Because they didn't see it. Because they were inside drinking. I'm kidding. A lot of yours were. And I'm sorry for that. Because you had to grow up and be ultra responsible for everything and that's a generational pattern that you need to break. Side note. So. But we did that because our parents were micromanaging everything.

[Unknown]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

I remember all the times coming in, bloody parents didn't freak out. It's like, what'd you do that was so stupid today? And we were like, oh, we were just boys, so. Because my mom had four boys, so. Right. Just saying to your child, you know what, don't ride your bike fast. It's like telling me not to eat the brownie that's sitting right in front of me. So can we create an acceptable challenge to give your child with his bike that lets him push the boundaries as kids are supposed to do, but still remain within an acceptable range. Right, Let me repeat that. Instead of just saying no all the time and having unrealistic expectations, why don't we let our kids push the boundaries a little bit, make it a challenge. Not. Not riding their bike off the roof. That's too far. They're going to die. But can't we create some successes for them. So you can say, you know what, it's really cool how you did that. You know what, you did it in a way where you didn't end up with a broken arm. Because sometimes you look, this is a little side note too. Working with a family, with a boy in eighth grade, he's getting notes, he got a note sent home of your son is talking in class. And I was like, yeah, I know, I get it. Like that's. It's disrespectful to the teacher. I'm not dismissing that at all. But for an eighth grade boy, like, as the mom or the dad, I'm gonna be like, hey, thanks. Thanks for not yelling. Thanks for not throwing things in class. Thanks for not cursing in class. Thanks for not getting up and doing all kinds of really disruptive things. Thanks for not doing really inappropriate things in class. Thanks for not swearing. Right? There's all kinds of things that that kid could be doing. He's an 8th grade boy in a class where he's bored. I don't look, I don't expect him just sit there perfectly still. And I would love for him to advocate for himself, say, hey, Mrs. Teacher, Mr. Teacher, look, I'm just bored. Could you give me some more difficult work?

[Unknown]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

That's something I want to teach him how to do. But I'm not that freaked out that occasionally he talks in class. I want him to apologize to the teacher. I do. But I'm also not going to get freaked out about that. And I want to affirm what he's doing. Well, there are a lot of these things that I'm saying that sound like it's like, oh, no, duh, but we don't do them. And I want you to take it to heart, I want you today and go thank your child or affirm your child for not doing something really awful that he could be doing.

[Unknown]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

He could be doing a lot of things. So I know your child is tough and they're going to get in trouble at times, but I don't want to create. I don't want to create those failures with false expectations because we're too rigid. Or let me say it this way, because you're too rigid, because some of you are not being mean. There's no blame, there's no guilt. But you need to work on yourself because you're way too rigid and you've got these false expectations of, of yourself, of your kids, of your family. And so you're almost creating those failures. And your child can never win because it's like no matter what they do, you never please dad or mom. Or maybe you're too anxious. As parents, work on your control issues. Work on your own anxiety or your child will feel like he or she can never live up. And then let's affirm and give positive intensity to good choices. Do it in a purposeful way. For the next two weeks, catch your child making good choices. Give them fist bumps. Hey, well done, son. Shows me you're growing up and then walk away, right? And I really want dads to say this a lot. Hey, son, daughter, I could really use your help with X. Could you come help me? And then afterwards, hey, awesome job with that. You know what? You're getting stronger. I like when you help me. Lots of high fives, smiles, encouragement. That will help, I promise. And next time your child pushes one of your buttons, do the opposite of what you normally do. Don't react. Just say something like, oh, I just forgot. Hey, could you go and do X? Because I could really use your help. Turn it around. Create the success. I'll give you a weird idea. Just given some parents because they talked about their son who's kind of sensory. Would your child do any kind of landscaping work outside? Because if we can get your child doing some lifting, some digging, some shoveling, even for neighbors, that would be so good for them. It meets all these sensory needs and it makes them feel confident. Next two weeks, give your child purposeful missions, jobs they can do well. Affirm, notice, encourage, Create the successes. Keep the brain engaged. And I promise you, you'll start to turn a corner here. If we can help you, reach out to us. Caseyelebratecoln.com do take advantage of the Black Friday sale. The instant downloads come to you right away and you'll begin. You'll know exactly what to do. We've been here before. I want to save you power struggles so that you're not banging your head against the wall all the time. Okay? Love you all. You're good parents. You listen to a parenting podcast that makes you a good, conscientious parent. Do try to get your spouse to listen. And do share with other people. Talk to you later.

[Unknown]

Bye.