One Way to Change Your Child's Response Overnight

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary

Title: One Way to Change Your Child's Response Overnight
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: January 8, 2023

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Introduction: The Power of Tone in Parenting

In this insightful episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into a transformative strategy that can instantly improve how strong-willed children respond to their parents: changing the tone of voice. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, ASD, and more, Martin provides practical advice aimed at fostering better communication and reducing power struggles.

Understanding the Impact of Tone of Voice

Martin emphasizes that tone of voice plays a pivotal role in parent-child interactions. He asserts, “Simply changing your tone of voice can have a dramatic impact on how your strong-willed child responds to you” (01:20). This episode is dedicated to exploring this concept in depth, encouraging parents to consciously modify their vocal approach to elicit more positive responses from their children.

Common Communication Pitfalls

Martin identifies several common mistakes parents make when communicating with strong-willed children:

1. Sweet-Talking in a Weak Tone:
   Using overly sweet tones like “Sweetie baby, you need to pick up your toy” can be perceived by children as condescending and weak, leading them to take advantage of the parent's perceived lack of authority (01:50).

2. Speaking Too Softly:
   Fear of crushing a child's spirit often results in speaking too softly, which can convey a message of “You're not taking me seriously” and can exacerbate the child's defiance (03:51).

3. Lecturing and Pleading:
   Lecturing about a child’s future or pleading for compliance only adds to the child’s anxiety and resistance. Martin criticizes this approach, stating, “Lecturing is not teaching” and highlights how it fails to address the child’s underlying emotional needs (06:45).

Effective Communication Strategies

To counter these pitfalls, Martin proposes several strategies centered around a firm and matter-of-fact tone:

1. Adopt an Even, Matter-of-Fact Tone:
   Instead of pleading or lecturing, use a clear and concise tone. Martin illustrates this with an example:

   • Ineffective: “Hey, Jimmy, you know what? We don’t jump on the sofa because...”
   • Effective: “Jumping on the sofa is not happening in my home. Here’s where I need you’s energy right now: help me in the kitchen.”
     This approach maintains authority without being confrontational, encouraging the child to redirect their energy productively (12:00).

2. Avoid Personalizing the Conflict:
   Martin advises parents not to take children’s defiant remarks personally. When a child says, “You’re the worst mother in the world,” the recommended response is to remain calm and assertive without shame or guilt:

   • “No, that’s not happening. I’m okay with your disappointment because that’s a fact of life.” (16:00)

3. Model Self-Control:
   Parents must demonstrate self-control to earn their children’s trust. Martin likens this to a calm and strategic quarterback who leads the team with composure, ensuring children see them as reliable and unflappable leaders (17:30).

4. Set Clear Boundaries and Offer Alternatives:
   When setting limits, it’s crucial to pair refusals with constructive alternatives. For example:

   • Instead of just saying, “Jumping on the sofa, not happening in my home,” add, “I love your energy. Here’s where I could use it right now: help me in the kitchen.”
     This not only denies inappropriate behavior but also channels the child’s energy into a positive task (13:30).

Practical Examples and Scripts

Throughout the episode, Martin provides actionable scripts and scenarios to help parents implement these strategies:

• Dealing with Frustration:
  When a child is visibly upset, rather than dismissing their feelings with false consolation, acknowledge their frustration and steer the conversation towards problem-solving:

  • “I understand you’re frustrated. If I were you, I’d be frustrated too. What are we going to do about it?” (05:29)

• Responding to Teenager’s Attitude:
  For teenagers struggling with attitude, Martin suggests addressing the tone without shaming:

  • “You can use that tone with me, but the last 43 times you did, it didn’t work out well. I know you’re frustrated, but I need to focus on what’s happening right now.” (21:15)

Building Trust and Confidence

A recurring theme in Martin’s discussion is the importance of building trust through consistent and confident communication. By maintaining an "immovable rock" demeanor, parents can create an environment where children feel secure and understood without feeling controlled or manipulated.

Conclusion: Mastering the Tone of Voice

Martin concludes by encouraging parents to practice these communication techniques consistently. He highlights the availability of additional resources through the Calm Parenting package, which offers extensive programs and scripts to reinforce these strategies in daily parenting challenges. The ultimate goal is to equip parents with the tools to handle their children's behavior calmly and effectively, fostering a healthier and more respectful parent-child relationship.

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Notable Quotes:

• “Simply changing your tone of voice can have a dramatic impact on how your strong-willed child responds to you.” — Kirk Martin 01:20
• “Lecturing is not teaching.” — Kirk Martin 06:45
• “My goal isn't really to be calm. Calm is a tool. I use calm in order to problem solve and see situations more clearly and to de-escalate.” — Kirk Martin 10:06
• “I'm the dispassionate giver of wisdom in my home. I'm not taking this personally.” — Kirk Martin 13:42
• “Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not determine my behavior.” — Kirk Martin 13:42
• “You can trust me. I can handle you at your worst.” — Kirk Martin 17:55

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This episode serves as a valuable guide for parents seeking effective ways to manage strong-willed children by harnessing the power of tone and maintaining self-control. By implementing Kirk Martin’s strategies, parents can foster a more harmonious and respectful household.

Transcript

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[Kirk Martin]

So did you know that simply changing your tone of voice can have a dramatic impact on on how your strong willed child responds to you? Of course it does. Otherwise I would not be devoting an entire episode of the Calm Parenting podcast to this topic. This is really important and it's something that I want you to work on this week and begin to master because it's really important. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you need some help. Reach out to our strong Will child Casey C A s e y celebrate calm.com Tell us about your child that you're struggling with or many of them. Many of you have many strong willed kids. Good luck to you. Tell us about your kids and your family dynamics. We will get together, we talk and then we reply back personally and usually pretty quickly with some very helpful tips because that's what our mission is. So I want to go through various different tones of voice, different ways that we talk to our kids and point out some of the ways that don't work and then show you the ways that do work. So I always begin when we do live events, one of the first things we do is talk about changing body posture, changing tone of voice because it's very, very central to all of this with a strong willed child. So one of the things that I really don't like is this really sweet tone, right? Like sweetie baby, you need to go pick up your toy. Sweetie baby, mommy needs your help. Now here's why I don't like it. Because here's what the strong willed child hears. Sweetie baby, you scare us because every time we ask you to do something you have a big meltdown. So we think if we use this really sweet tone and we talk kind of in a question mark that you'll actually do what we asked you to do and the strong willed child will hear that tone of voice as condescending and weak. I can't explain it to you, don't even need to explain it to you if it's just the way that it is. They hear that as weakness and a lack of confidence and they will take advantage of you on that. By the way, I would also recommend, look, I prefer that you not refer to yourself as mommy or daddy when talking to a strong willed child, right? Because look, you've already said I've got a 4 year old who's going on 24 or a 10 year old, 10 year old going on 35. Right. And so I don't refer to myself as mommy or daddy because it sounds weak and condescending to them.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

I hope that makes sense. Here are a few other things we do, right. Sometimes we speak so softly to our kids, right. Because we're afraid that we're going to crush their spirit. Look, here's what's going to crush your child's spirit. If you don't understand what they're really about, if you don't understand their brain, their heart and their motivations and you assign motives, wrong motives to their motivations and misunderstand them, that'll crush their spirit. Saying things like how are you ever going to be successful in life? You can't even pick up your toys, you're a loser. That'll crush child's spirit. But talking to them in a very firm, even a matter of fact manner isn't going to crush their spirit.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

And sometimes we talk too softly and here's a big danger of that. The message that sometimes your kids hear is this, you're not taking me seriously, right? I've done this example before. Little kid makes a paper airplane, flies it, it doesn't fly. Well, every good parent, oh honey, that was a really good airplane. And the child's response is no, it wasn't. Duh, it was. If it was a good airplane, it would have flown. Right? Right. Sometimes when we talk like this, it's because we can't deal with them being upset. And we're trying to try to mollify them, make it okay, and we actually make it worse. And in that case, what I'd want to say to the child is, of course you're frustrated. If I were you, I'd be frustrated too. You spend a lot of time on that airplane fly, right? Man, I'd be frustrated too. So what are we going to do about it?

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

There's some intensity there, and you're leading to problem solving, right? So. And by the way, I never say, well, of course you should be frustrated, so therefore hit your sister or punch a hole in the wall. Not at all. Just normalizing the fact that some things are frustrating. And you know what? You know what's frustrating? When people don't take your frustration seriously. And that's why the intensity sometimes is really important with these kids. Okay? No pleading. This is what it sounds like. Guys, all I'm asking for is a little bit of help around here. That is a sure sign that your kids are going to take advantage of you. This one. You know what? After all I do for you, I cook for you, I clean for you. Look, that is your issue. That no blame and no guilt in any of this. But that's your issue, okay? Because you're doing too much for your kids. And we've dealt with that before. Your kids are never going to wake up and say, mom, dad, listen, talk to my brother and sister. We've determined you do way too much for us. It's probably a generational thing that you got from your mom or your dad who were overly responsible. And you know what it is? It's a manipulative tool. Because I've done so much for you, you owe me to listen and behave. And I want you to break that generational pattern and stop pleading with your kids. That's not confident either. No lecturing. I could do four hours on no lecturing. Lecturing is not teaching. Most of our lecturing is this. It's dumping our anxiety about our kids future on them now. Right, Like I'm not seeing what I'm supposed to be seeing. You're not living up to your potential. And what are you going to be doing in the future? Who's going to hire you? Who's going to marry you? And I have all this anxiety, so I begin to lecture and lecture and lecture, and your kids always resist that.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

And what I'd rather you do is control your anxiety instead. Demonstrate some confidence and say, you know what? I've got the Wisdom and perspective to know that one day when you put it all together, you. You have every quality necessary inside of you already to be successful in life. And I can't wait to see it. See, your anxiety causes you. And I don't want to do this whole thing on anxiety, but it's like I see everything negative, and then I project into the future, how's my child ever going to be successful, right? And then that just dumps all over the child. And basically what you're saying is, I don't think you're going to be successful at all. Instead, I want to have the wisdom and perspective know, of course, you're seven, you're 12, you're 14. But you're going to change and already see all these great qualities inside of you. And one day you're going to put that together. You're going to be motivated. You got a great future ahead of you. Wouldn't you rather start saying that to your child so they begin to believe it? So no explaining, no convincing. Here's a big one that we don't cover enough. And is this. Stop trying to convince your kids of things. As if they're going to say, mom, Dad, I didn't want to know. I didn't want to do what you asked me to do. But after you lectured me and convinced me and used such logic and reason, right? Like now, 15 minutes later, light bulb went off and I want to do what you asked me to do. It's weakness. You're trying to convince them, thinking that somehow. Look, most of the things we're talking about here are emotional. And yet we're trying to get an irrational, emotional child who's struggling with anxiety, doesn't feel good about himself. All these things. We're trying to use rational means to solve an emotional issue that is by nature irrational. And that doesn't work. So look, when sweetie baby. And the really kind approach doesn't work, what do we do? You know what? You better get your little butt up in bed right now.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

That's when we go through the yelling, losing control, threatening. And it won't work. And here's why. Because when you walk into a room and you are visibly irritated and your voice begins to. This one, Jacob, if you see as soon as your voice goes there, you've lost control and there's no blame and guilt. This is frustrating. It is hard raising these kids because they won't even do simple things all the time that you want them to do. And you're like, oh, what do I need to do? To get through that thick skull of yours. All I'm asking you to do is one simple thing and you can't even do it. I get that.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

But when you start to that that little tone says that you're frustrated. And here's what your kids know. When you start to get visibly irritated, they will push your buttons until you finally lose it. Because once you lose control of your emotions, who's in control? Child's in complete control. And that's not their issue, that's yours. Because you're a grown adult who can't control yourself. And again, I was too. There's no blame or guilt. I'm just asking you to take it seriously and not make excuses for it and really dig into it. If you want to go through in the calm parenting package, the 30 days to calm it is the process. I used to go from being out of control all the time. Fear and intimidation approach my way or the highway approach, dad. To being calm and the whole idea, look, my goal isn't really to be calm. Calm is a tool. I use calm in order to problem solve and see situations more clearly and, and to de escalate.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Calm is not the end goal. Calm is a means to de escalate things so they don't keep getting worse and to model for my kids self control doesn't work well in life when you're like, you need to learn how to control yourself. Really? Apparently you haven't mastered that either, dad.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

That's what my son was saying to me.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

You need to calm down.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And he's like really? Really dad? You're screaming at me to calm down. Maybe you should learn that first. And he was right in that.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because I did need to learn that. And so look, the fear and intimidation approach with the strong willed child will not work because they have a fight or flight response. And many of your kids either going, they'll either shut down and just not do anything. I'm going to take away everything you own. I don't care, take it here, I'll give it to you, I'll hand it in, I'll put it in a box. They'll call your bluff or they would just fight. They'll be bring it, bring it, what you got, what you got. And then you will blow your lid. Men, right? A lot of times we do and then we justify and excuse it. Well if they would just listen to me. You can't do that.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

That's that thing. Well if my kids would just, I would be better. Well now You've just placed your emotions, your happiness and all. You just surrendered control or agency over yourself to someone else. And how they behave. You know what's even worse? They're a kid and we give them all that power. I can't be happy unless they behave exactly the way I say they can, right? That's the whole thing. Me as a young dad, I need you to behave. Because if you don't do exactly what I tell you to do, I'm not sure I can behave. And you don't want to see me angry. See, that was manipulative too, right? That's the other side of like, you know what? I do all of this for you. You owe me. And the other side of that is I can't control myself and I'm going to get angry. So if you don't want me angry, you better listen to me right now, young man. Well, that's not teaching a child and that's not modeling good things. So what do we do? Right. In between sweetie baby screaming and yelling is this. It's me in control of myself, right? And that's why I did begin to change my body posture at the beginning. I would sit down. Why? Because watch what I'm communicating. I'm in complete control of myself. My yes is my yes. My no is my no. I'm not going to repeat myself 14 times. I'm not going to beg, I'm not going to plead. I'm not going to use guilt trips on you.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not determine my behavior. You're allowed to do that. All I want you to know is I can't always control what you do, but I can always tell you what I'm going to do. Those are such great principles that you can put into place, right? I am an immovable rock. I'm a dispassionate giver of wisdom in my home. I'm not taking this personally.

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

Please stop taking everything personally. Dads, men talking to you straight Men to men, man to man. Every man on the planet thinks that everything everyone does, everything their child does is disrespect to him. He's like an NFL wide receiver. That's disrespected. No, you've just got a kid, right, who doesn't always want to do what you want him to do. But it doesn't mean everything's disrespect. And some of it is coming at you because you have been too hard on your kids and you only picked out the negatives and you thought that your job was just discipline. Discipline. Point out all the negative things and punish. But you don't have a great relationship with your child. Well, that produces anger and frustration and that'll get you some defiance too. So look, the whole point of this is none of this is dependent on what your child does. This is all within your control. See, if parenting is about only changing a child's behavior, good luck. Because I can't always Change the behavior of another human being. The one thing and only thing I have control of in this life is how I control myself, how I behave, my tone of voice. And what I want you to know is when you begin to master this tone of voice, your kids will respond better to it. Because here's what it says. You can trust me. I can handle you at your worst.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Look, I know this about men. Every man on the planet, Moms too. Every man respects other men who stay cool and calm under pressure, right? In a war, we want the platoon, right? What if your platoon captain's like, oh my gosh, shooting at us? What are we going to do? Well, nobody's going to follow that guy into battle. But when we come home from work or out of our office at home and their Legos on the floor and there's disorder and everything's not picked up and Johnny didn't do exactly what he's told by his mother and we get all upset, what are we doing? We're flailing. We're not leading anymore. We're reacting to the child. And the good platoon captain leads his men and women into battle. And he stays cool and calm under pressure. Quarterback. A good quarterback doesn't freak out in the fourth quarter. You know what? We're down by two touchdowns. You don't know what route to run. You keep fumbling the ball. Let's go score. Nobody's following that guy. They're going to follow the guy who walks into the huddle, takes a knee. Interesting body posture, isn't it? Highest paid guy on the team takes a knee and says, guys, here's the deal. Down by two touchdowns, here's what we're going to do. We're going to march down the field, execute our play, score, get the ball back, we're going to score again. And they break huddle. And that team gets behind that quarterback. Why? Because he's unflappable. And they know that he's cool and calm under pressure and they can trust him. That's who I want you to be for your kids. They will behave better when you do that. So two quick examples. Okay? So I like discipline. I like good firm discipline. Yelling and screaming isn't discipline. Begging and pleading isn't discipline. I use an even matter of fact tone. I'm the dispassionate giver of wisdom. I'm not taking it personally. So let's say my 7 year old is jumping on a sofa. Here's traditional. Hey, Jimmy, you know what? We don't jump on the sofa. Because you know what? There are springs on the sofa. And if you keep jumping on the sofa, it's going to break and we're going to have. Like. He cares. Oh, Mom, Dad, I didn't realize that it was going to cost you extra money. I'll stop right? There's no need for that. And when we go in, that's all explaining. So here's what I would do. I would go in and say, hey, jumping on a sofa, not happening in my home. But I love your energy. Here's where I could use it right now. If you want to come help me in the kitchen. I could use some help doing X. You know what? I need some help. Some of your kids love shoveling mulch and doing physical stuff. So I give them a physical job to do with that energy. Here's the principle, by the way. Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, you must say yes to something appropriate. You have to give these kids missions, and you got to feed that brain so it has a focus. Just saying, no, stop. It doesn't work. So when I come in the room and I say, hey, jumping on a sofa, not happening in my home. Here's why I like it short and sweet, very few words. The more words you use, the less valuable they become. The more you start to get worked up and explain and talk what happens. Your kids find openings so that they can argue with you, and you always lose because they're little attorneys, cops, and judges all rolled into one, Right? And so when I walk, hey, jumping on the sofa, not happening in my home. Here's why I like it. Short and sweet. It's also not personal. All I was saying is jumping on a sofa, not happening in my home. It's a statement of fact. See, I'm not making. You know what? You never listen if you don't learn how to listen. You know, just wait till your father gets none of that. I'm just saying simply what you're doing, not working in my home. But I love your energy. Do I really love their energy? No. Your kids are exhausting. But it's a reality that they have an enormous amount not really physical energy that drives it. It is mental energy, which is partly why your kids struggle to sleep. It's partly why they push buttons. They have so much mental energy inside their heads, right? And that usually drives the physical energy. And people don't understand that, but it's the mental energy. It's really, really important. And so just saying, no, stop. All right. What am I going to do with all of this great Because I'm going to just sit there docile and just sit there looking at you. So when I say, hey, not happening. Love your energy. Oh, here's a mission. Bet you can't do this. Oh, you're really good at X. I bet you can't help me with that, could you?

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Does that make sense? Same with a teenager. It's the same tone of voice with your teenager who's starting to give you some attitude. And if you respond back with young lady, you can't use that tone with me. And she's gonna be like, what tone? That tone. Now, you both have the tone, right? Instead, when I respond to her, right, I have many different options. But like, hey, when Casey would do the tone, I'd say, hey, Case, listen, you can use that tone with me, but the last 43 times you did, it didn't really work out well with you for you. But here's what I know. Usually when you get that little tone in your voice, it's because you're frustrated, you're anxious or you're hungry. So look, I've got to go get started on laundry. I'm going to go do dinner or I'm going to grab some chips. You want to grab some salsa? I'll help you with whatever you're frustrated with, right? So even matter of fact tone, I don't take it personally. Stop with some of this stuff, right? Like, I can't believe that my child is talking to me like this. They're a child, they're a teenager, you're a grown adult. Stop taking it so personally. I know, but it's really disrespectful. Of course it is sometimes. And a lot of times it's a sign of frustration. But your kids don't have the maturity yet to say, mom, dad, listen, something's happening at school. I don't feel smart as the other kids or my siblings. Sometimes I struggle with kids my own age and I don't play games well and if I lose, it makes me feel like a loser. So I'm really frustrated and unfortunately I start to bring that tone out and take that out on you. And so I apologize. They don't know to say that. So it comes out as, you're stupid, I hate you, and we react out of that and then we make it worse. Instead of saying even matter of fact and saying, this is telling me something else is going on, I don't have to give in to them. I can say no all day, mom, you have to give me X. Yeah, not going to happen right now. No, no. But why won't you do it? You're mean. You're the worst mother in the world. Look, when kids say that, it's brilliant because they know that a moment, her highest desire is to be a good mom. So what do they go right after? I hate you. You're a terrible mom. Of course they're going to do that. Don't react to it. You don't have to give in. No, I'm okay with your disappointment. My job. Look, because I love you, I will say no to you. But I don't have to explain why. I don't have to convince you that I'm right. I'm just okay with your disappointment because that's a fact of life. Mick Jagger was actually right 75 years ago when he began singing, you can't always get what you want. And that's just a fact of life. And so I'm not going to shame you for that. Just let you know, like, no, that's not happening. Does that make sense? This week, I want you to practice this daily. Part of the reason I want people to listen to the Calm Parenting package and all of our programs is because for hour after hour, in many, many, many, many, many dozens of situations, I model this tone of voice with actual scripts to use in different situations. And you get it on an app right on your phone so you can be listening to this while you're taking the kids to school, while you're going to work. You can just have it on the background while you're cooking dinner. And you begin to internalize and hear this so that in the moment, you remember this right? Because just reading something, a book, it's like you forget it like three hours or three days after you read it because you don't continue to, like, reread the book a hundred times. But I want you to re listen to our programs and there's 30 hours of them so you don't really have to read. Just keep listening to new ones and you will hear that tone of voice. And I promise you begin to master this tone of voice. Even matter of fact, it'll sound very cold to some of you, but it's not. What it is. Is settling it settles your kids. I'm in control of myself. I'm not freaking out. You're a kid. I'm an adult. I can handle this. Does that make sense? I hope so. Thanks for listening to the Calm Parenting podcast. Thanks for sharing it with others. If we can help you, reach out to Casey, celebrate calm.com it's easy. Go to our website. You can find the calm parenting package on sale. And if you need help financially, reach out to Casey. We're pretty easy to work with because we're a family. We're not like some conglomerate company. People always email like, wow, you're really fast. I'm like, yeah, because we're a family. This is what we do all day and much of the night. So love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye.