Calm Parenting Podcast – Episode 565

Practical Ways to Discipline (Not Punish) Toddlers Through Teens
Host: Kirk Martin
Date: February 22, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin dives into one of the most common questions from parents: How do we discipline (not punish) children—toddlers through teens—especially those who are strong-willed or don’t respond to consequences? Kirk breaks down the crucial differences between punishment and discipline, sharing practical strategies that address everyday challenges: lying, stealing, picky eating, and refusal to listen or comply with family expectations like phone usage. The episode is filled with Kirk’s signature humor, warmth, and empathy, all designed to help parents build trust, connection, and life skills for kids rather than battles or shame.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Difference Between Punishment and Discipline

Timestamp: [07:23]

• Punishment:

  • Features ever-increasing consequences with no real behavior change (“just an endless loop”)
  • Tends to separate parents from kids, feels rash and reactive
  • Breeds shame, helplessness, erodes trust
  • Is punitive—takes away, but doesn’t build new skills

• Discipline:

  • Addresses the root issue so behaviors don’t repeat endlessly
  • Is specific, measured, proactive, and restorative
  • Draws parent and child closer
  • Builds competence, confidence, and trust
  • “While punishment takes away, discipline adds. You’re giving kids new tools and skills to be successful.”

Case Study: Lying About Stealing Candy

Timestamp: [08:47]

• Parent discovers candy missing, daughter lies about it.
• When finally asked in a calm, non-reactive way (“Will you be upset with me?”), she admits to impulsively eating all the candy.

“Nice job, dad. You didn’t react, you didn’t shame. And you sat down next to your daughter, which usually gets a less defensive response.”
— Kirk Martin [09:30]

• Insight: Kids often fear disappointing parents more than consequences—this leads to lying.
• Solution: Build trust. Practice with your kids telling hard truths and practice as parents not reacting negatively.

Practical Exercise:

• Have kids practice “walking in and telling you the truth” about something difficult.
• Parents practice listening and thanking them, then moving to problem-solving without reacting first.

Addressing Impulse Control

Timestamp: [13:02]

Three Steps for Helping Kids With Impulse Control:

1. Normalize the Issue

   • “Almost all humans struggle with impulse control. It’s not an excuse—it’s just acknowledging human nature so we can deal honestly with it.”

2. Work Side-by-Side

   • Parents and kids both practice impulse control: delaying gratification with food, screens, etc.
   • E.g., purposefully leaving a few fries on your plate or turning off screens together a few minutes early.

3. Create a Code Word & Support Each Other

   • Use a “code word” (e.g., “skittles”) to signal an urge and redirect together (go for a walk, eat something healthier).
   • Celebrate small improvements and progress over perfection.

“By handling it this way, you’re bonding. You’re making progress on an important life skill that she will use the rest of her life.”
— Kirk Martin [14:50]

Picky Eating and Food Battles

Timestamp: [17:23]

• Parent worries about picky eating in a 4-year-old (no meat or vegetables).
• Common reaction: Forcing child to eat results in tantrums, ends in punishment for “not listening.”
• Key Insight: “You’re punishing a child for having a food preference—or in many cases, his resistance is caused by anxiety or gut issues.”

Strategies:

• Shift perspective: Recognize it’s often about parent anxiety/control, not just the food.
• Remove pressure entirely: “If you tried to do that to me as a grown adult, I would be furious at you. I would leave your house.” [19:00]
• Model healthy eating without comments, praise, or criticism—just eat what you enjoy.
• Provide healthy options, let curiosity and participation (cooking/baking) build comfort over time.
• Encourage autonomy around food decisions.

Restorative Consequences & Building Connection

Timestamp: [22:12]

• Example: Instead of isolating a child for yelling at a parent, a consequence can be a restorative act (e.g., service projects).
• This shifts the focus from shame to connection and responsibility.

Phone Rules and Persistent Noncompliance

Timestamp: [23:35]

• Parent frustration: Kids not turning in phones at night.
• “Punishment is yanking their phone away and yelling in a frustrated voice... That doesn’t lead to any good outcomes. And it further erodes the relationship and trust.”

Recommended Approach:

• Take the phone away without drama (“They’ll have drama; you won’t”).
• During the consequence, connect with your child and problem-solve together.
• Acknowledge their needs (“Of course you want to text with friends... but we’re not doing that late-night phone thing in our home”).
• Teach assertiveness: Kids can ask for a reasonable extension, but not as a nightly habit.

“You can be decisive, you can take things away. But then the discipline part is: ‘I know you have this need; let’s problem-solve. But the solution can’t involve you texting at midnight.’”
— Kirk Martin [25:28]

Handling Defiance and Sensory-Seeking Behavior

Timestamp: [26:00]

• Story: Strong-willed daughter repeatedly touches things at Grandma’s, even when told not to.
• Parent feels pressure to escalate consequence but instead chooses understanding.
• Dad listens to Kirk’s advice: “I put myself in my daughter’s shoes... She’s very sensory and creative. Her brain was soaking up all that intensity from me.”

Discipline Strategy:

• Always say yes to something appropriate when saying no to something inappropriate.
• Dad creates a treasure hunt with items safe to touch—redirects the impulse.
• Celebrates daughter’s strengths (curiosity, problem-solving).

“When I wasn’t trying to correct her and I was enjoying her, I noticed how smart she is, how she problem solves and thinks three steps ahead of me.”
— Email from listener, quoted by Kirk Martin [27:00]

• The daughter, at bedtime:

  “I’m proud of you for not being angry, Daddy.” [27:40]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On building emotional safety:
  “They fear the parent being upset with them—that’s why many of our kids lie.” [09:50]

• On the purpose of discipline:
  “Discipline means to teach and show—the best lecture is what you do.” [20:16]

• On letting go of control:
  “You have to give up the expectation you’re going to change their behavior. The sooner you do that, the sooner their behavior will change.” [20:55]

• On restorative approaches:
  “Instead of sending my son to his room, I had him do service projects for his mom. That’s restorative, and it builds connection.” [22:28]

• On connecting through challenges:
  “You’re building her confidence, you’re building that connection. When I wasn’t trying to correct her and I was enjoying her—that’s the real win.” [27:24]

Key Takeaways & Action Steps

• Practice not reacting when your child confesses a misstep.
• Normalize impulse struggles and work on them together, using code words and positive reinforcement.
• Remove pressure from food and model healthy habits; give up the power struggle.
• Use restorative, skill-building consequences that connect instead of isolate.
• When enforcing rules (phones, touching things), maintain boundaries but seek to connect and solve problems with your child.
• Celebrate effort, honesty, and growth—both in your children and in your own parenting journey.

Suggested Exercises for Listeners

• Practice difficult conversations in your marriage or family by role-playing both telling the truth and responding without reactivity.
• Pick one area (phones, food, impulse control) and focus on creating a new skill-building, non-punitive routine this week.
• Reflect on a recent conflict: Where could you substitute a teaching moment for a punitive consequence?

For more resources: Visit celebratecalm.com or email Casey@celebratecalm.com for personal help.

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