Proper Expectations of Toddlers, Teens & In-Between - Calm Parenting Podcast

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Proper Expectations of Toddlers, Teens & In-Between Host: Kirk Martin | Release Date: August 10, 2022

Introduction

In this insightful episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, hosted by Kirk Martin, the focus centers on establishing proper expectations for children across various developmental stages—from toddlers to teenagers. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children and assisting nearly a million families, Kirk provides practical strategies to navigate the complexities of parenting strong-willed kids. This bonus episode, inspired by numerous listener inquiries, aims to offer liberating perspectives to parents overwhelmed by societal pressures and unrealistic standards.

Proper Expectations for Toddlers

Kirk begins by addressing parents of toddlers, emphasizing the importance of setting age-appropriate expectations. He asserts that toddlers are naturally inclined to explore, make messes, and disrupt daily routines as part of their developmental process.

"Toddlers are not supposed to be productive or efficient, right? Their job is to ruin your agenda for the day." [04:20]

He highlights that expecting toddlers to adhere to strict schedules or be overly disciplined can lead to unnecessary stress and power struggles. Instead, Kirk encourages parents to embrace the exploratory nature of toddlers, understanding that their actions are not acts of defiance but expressions of curiosity and growth.

Managing Strong-Willed Toddlers

Addressing parents of strong-willed toddlers, Kirk offers strategies to reduce conflict and foster cooperation. He advises shifting the approach from outright refusals to offering appropriate alternatives, thereby minimizing frustration for both parents and children.

"Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, always say yes to something appropriate." [06:45]

Kirk emphasizes the importance of providing choices and engaging toddlers in meaningful activities. For instance, instead of demanding that a child stop a particular behavior, redirect their energy towards a constructive task or challenge that aligns with their interests and abilities.

Maintaining Parental Composure

A critical aspect of managing strong-willed children is parental self-regulation. Kirk underscores the necessity for parents to control their emotional responses, ensuring that discipline is administered calmly and consistently.

"When you say no, use an even matter-of-fact tone. No emotion." [12:30]

By maintaining an unemotional stance during disciplinary moments, parents can prevent escalating conflicts and model emotional regulation for their children. This approach helps children understand boundaries without feeling attacked or shamed.

Simplifying Family Life

Kirk addresses the often-overwhelming expectations placed on parents to maintain immaculate households and flawless routines. He encourages parents, especially those with multiple young children, to accept a certain level of chaos as natural and unavoidable.

"With two kids under the age of three, your house should be a mess most of the time and your entire day should be putting out fires." [17:49]

Kirk advises parents to prioritize meaningful interactions over maintaining perfect appearances, suggesting that authenticity and connection are far more beneficial for both parents and children than adhering to unrealistic standards.

Self-Care for Parents

Recognizing the immense pressures parents face, Kirk emphasizes the importance of self-care. He advises parents to identify and integrate small, manageable self-care practices into their daily routines to recharge and maintain their well-being.

"Start working in some self-care during the day before or when you get worn down. Think about what does recharge you, what feeds you." [17:49]

Kirk highlights that taking care of oneself is not only beneficial for parents but also enhances their capacity to support and nurture their children effectively.

Transitioning to Older Kids

Moving beyond toddlers, Kirk briefly touches on strategies for managing elementary school-aged children and middle schoolers. He stresses the importance of allowing children to shine by leveraging their strengths and passions, thereby fostering self-esteem and resilience.

"Kids in elementary school are supposed to get in trouble and be impulsive." [22:15]

For middle schoolers, Kirk normalizes their struggles with identity and independence, advising parents to provide support without overreacting to typical teenage behaviors. He encourages affirming positive actions and minimizing focus on missteps to cultivate a trusting and open parent-child relationship.

Conclusion

Throughout the episode, Kirk Martin reinforces the idea that parenting strong-willed children requires flexibility, patience, and a willingness to adjust expectations based on developmental stages. By embracing the natural tendencies of children and prioritizing authentic connections over societal expectations, parents can create a harmonious and supportive environment conducive to their children's growth and well-being.

"I give you permission to just roll with the day as it comes instead of fitting two little kids into an artificial agenda filled with unrealistic expectations." [17:49]

Kirk concludes by encouraging parents to seek out additional resources and support through the Celebrate Calm platform, offering comprehensive programs tailored to various age groups and parenting challenges.

Key Takeaways

Age-Appropriate Expectations: Understand and accept the developmental norms for each child’s age, minimizing undue pressure and conflict.
Positive Redirection: Replace outright refusals with constructive alternatives to guide children’s behavior and decision-making.
Emotional Regulation: Maintain calm and consistent discipline to model emotional control and prevent escalating power struggles.
Simplify and Accept Chaos: Embrace the inherent messiness of family life, focusing on meaningful interactions over perfect appearances.
Prioritize Self-Care: Integrate small self-care practices to ensure parental well-being, enhancing the ability to support children effectively.
Support Independence: Encourage children’s strengths and passions, fostering self-esteem and resilience, especially during pivotal developmental stages like middle school.

For further support and resources, parents can visit CelebrateCalm.com or reach out directly via email at casey@celebratecalm.com.

Transcript

Kirk Martin (0:00)

Hey moms and dads.

Mrs. Calm (0:01)

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Unknown (1:20)

So.

Kirk Martin (1:21)

What are proper expectations for a toddler? For teenagers for every age in between. Right. It's hard today because you're exposed to so much social media and if you are unwise enough to look at your Instagram or Facebook feed, you'll see all these happy families and then you think about your own and you're like, look, I can't even get my child up in the morning without having a power struggle. Not to mention we still have to get dressed. I've got to feed that child. Get get them off to school. And you've already had like six world wars before 8am that's hard. So I want to give you some perspective today that I hope you will find liberating. And that's what we're going to discuss on this episode. A bonus episode. Thanks to many moms who emailed me about this of the Calm Parenting podcast. My name is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help, contact our strong willed child. And so much of this comes from our experience with him. And then we Invited we had 1500 kids come into our home. We've worked with almost a million families. So I hope that this resonates with you in very, very practical ways. But our son's name is Casey. C A s e y celebratecalm.com Emails tell us about your family, ages of the kids, what are you struggling with? We will reply back personally because this isn't a business, it's a family mission to help you with this. My one thing I would note is if you are interested, go to the website, get the Get Everything package. You will be fully equipped for the school year ahead for kids of all ages for dozens and dozens of situations, for school issues. There's resources you can share with the teachers, all that. So I'm going to work. I'm going to start with little kids and work my way up. This will be heavily skewed toward toddlers because of all the moms who asked me to do this one. And I don't like to upset already stressed out moms. So this isn't even in my notes. But moms, look, you know how this works as a family, as parents, you think when your kids are little, it's like every single decision we make is going to determine their future. It's not true. You could be a horrible parent for a little while and your kids still will probably turn out okay. Right? Don't put that stress on yourselves as a new parent. Right. Just know, yes, you're going to need to be consistent, do those things, but you can't do it all the time. And before I forget, couple other things, just for perspective, even if you're not religious, doesn't matter. There's ancient literature, some of the most ancient literature, and it tells stories. And stories reflect the culture that they were written in. And one of the very first stories about a family is this family where there were two kids and one of the kids killed his brother. That was before video games, before guns, before violence on tv, which means from the beginning of time, there were disagreements in the family. Kids were killing each other. So I always like to joke, if you've got more than one child and they're still alive, you're a good parent, right? If you're doing better than a 50% murder rate among your children, historically speaking, you're a good mom. So you can relax about that. Know that power struggles, conflict in the home is the norm, right? The purpose of relationships and family is not happiness, right? Someone told you that when they married you, but they lied to you. Because the purpose of relationships is transformation. Think about it. Think what a family is. You get two adults who come together and get married. It is the union of two imperfect people, right? Who were largely selfish and look after our own needs. Or some of you, it's even worse. You're People pleasers. And you grow up trying to please everybody else and you put everybody's needs before yourself and you get married and you think, oh, if I just do this, I can change this spouse. Well, that ends in resentment and divorce and a lot of unhappiness. So that doesn't work. Right? And what else do you get? You get two. Usually we're young when we get married and you have no idea what all of your issues are. They won't come out until later. Usually when you start having kids and you realize, oh, I have family of origin issues. This is from my childhood and I didn't realize that I had abandonment issues. And then I married a guy or a gal, can be either way, either gender. Married a guy who ends up, he doesn't like conflict, so he runs from issues that triggers my abandonment. I go after him even harder, right? There's all these things going on. So the purpose of relationships is transformation. So if you can just dig in and think about your spouse and think about your kids as you are a tool for my transformation, you are going to help me grow up and deal with things I never dealt with when I was younger. You're going to help me become more mature. I should end the podcast right there because that's enough to think about. But let's roll with it. So, toddlers, here's what I want you to know. Toddlers are not supposed to be productive or efficient, right? Their job is to ruin your agenda for the day. It is because they're supposed to make messes and explore. When they wake up in the morning, everything is new to them. They want to touch things and explore things and put things in their mouths. And remember, big principle, whenever you say no to something inappropriate, always say yes to something appropriate. Right? Because if your whole day with a toddler. No, stop it. Don't do that. Take that out of your mouth. No, no, no. Strong willed kids are very energetic kids and a lot of it is mental energy. They have ideas they want to explore, they want to do things. And just saying no is a recipe for frustration for you and them being frustrated for your kids to begin internalizing. I'm a bad kid because I'm always in trouble. So I always want to give lists of things they can do. Lots of missions and challenges. And this isn't just toddlers, this is elementary school kids. This is all the way through high school, really. But excuse a little bit younger. So I was doing a phone consultation with this family and his dad was like really hung up on this because he's like, well, kids got to learn from a young age to be disciplined. I was like, sure, I know, and they'll learn from your discipline, but when they're four. So I asked him this, he was a business guy and I said, I want you to write a job Description for a 4 year old. Right? And I don't think it's going to sound like needs to be a self starter with initiative who has a lot of discipline, right? No, he doesn't. He's four. So I want you to relax with those kids a little bit. Know that their job is to ruin your agenda. And, and this may be the first time where you come face to face with the fact that you have control issues and you have anxiety issues and you need things to be just so. And this little toddler is going to mess with that, right? Say your child pushes your buttons or refuses to do what you ask, right? Quietly just do what you said you were going to do, right? Don't react to it, don't give it a lot of energy. No lectures, no reactions, right? It's a very smart thing that your child is doing, right? That is what they do. They're supposed to tinker with you, your brain a little bit because they're disappointed. So no reaction, right? Look, you've got a child, they wake up with their own agenda. Why? Because your child's a bright, right? In this case, it's a bright little girl. I can tell you you're going to get calls from the preschool very quickly. Your daughter's not following directions. She won't sit still during circle time, which is good, right? Why do you have. Sitting still during circle time is a completely arbitrary measure of nothing for the rest of your life. You never have to sit still during circle time. Nobody at the office is ever going to say, hey, Sarah, Jim, 3 o'clock in the conference room, circle time. Right? But we measure our kids against all kinds of arbitrary standards. And I encourage you, you've got to really fight that as a parent for kids of all ages. The people, society, schools, churches are going to put all kinds of arbitrary standards on your kids that have nothing to do with their success or responsibility in life. Or your daughter's going to wander around the classroom like she has hearing issues, but she likely doesn't. She's just got stuff in her brain that she wants to do. And I'm not saying it's right to do, I'm just saying we have to handle it in a different way. And I'm going to give her lots of missions and challenges and make things more difficult and say, oh little Sarah, can you help me with this? Because I could really use your help and give them lots of jobs to do. If you have a really intelligent child who doesn't want to go to preschool because she's not ready emotionally, well, I can tell you what she's going to do. She's going to start biting kids her first day of school. Why? Because she's not messing around. It's not the way she rolls. She's like not happy here. I'm going to bite people. Guess what? I get kicked out of school and now I get to stay home where I may need to be so that I can continue to maturing exploring, right? So in a larger sense with a strong willed child, we have to give them ownership of their choices and decisions. Not control, but ownership. Listen to the strong willed child program is just have to do that because it explains these kids. They need to be challenged, right? These kids need to touch that proverbial hot stove so that they learn how to do things and they want to do it differently just within your boundaries. And that's why get that package you listen to that you listen to. Toddlers ages 2 to 7 program in 30 days to calm so you can learn how to not freak out yourself. Few other ideas for toddlers. Younger kids respond a lot to energy, so controlling yours is extremely important. When you say no, use an even matter of fact tone. No emotion. I am not a big fan of and I do not encourage you to use the sweetie baby, mommy needs your help. I don't talk like this to a strong willed little child because they don't respect it and it sounds condescending when I talk when I say no to strong willed kids whether they're 3 or 33 even matter of fact home. This is just the way that I roll in my home. I discipline with no emotion. What I give my emotion and my enthusiasm to is to leading, to transitions, to what they can do. Hey, jumping on a sofa, not happening in my home. But I love your energy. If you want to come help me stir the soup or walk the dog. Oh man, I could really use your help. See, the no is mm mm. There's no energy in that. But I lead in what they can do. You know, little kids don't always hear you because they're caught up in their own world. They're so curious. They're focused on what they're curious about that they tune everything else out. So to cut through the clutter, sometimes I use non verbals Music, flicking the lights. You know, it's also cool to say sometimes, hey, that's really cool what you're doing right now. Why do you, why do you enjoy that so much? And you draw them into a conversation about what they're doing and you can learn a lot, right? Because then you can transition to, oh, you know what? That's really cool. You know what I could use some help with if you want to be a grown up girl or boy. Right? Here's another one for your kids who daydream, which is a sign of intelligence, by the way. Huh? What were you daydreaming about? Where did you just go in your brain? I'm curious to learn how creative you are and what a great imagination you have. And then you enter into their world. That's why I like with little kids, when they're hanging off the sofa upside down, instead of going all freaked out about it, go and hang off the sofa upside down and say, huh? I never thought about doing it this way. This is a really interesting way to see the world. And you enter into their world and you learn so much and so many different ways to motivate them and discipline them that way. That matter to them. Remember, I'm just going to repeat this. Give them activities to do, Give them things to do instead of just saying, stop. Hey, you're really good at doing X. Could you help me with X? Make things a challenge to stimulate their little brains. Maybe there's a time limit. Unless your kids hate that. Do the task backwards or blindfolded. Hey, bet you can't do this. Most of our younger kids have sensory needs. They seek that sensory pressure so you'll notice them hitting constantly, touching, grabbing at someone passing by. Maybe they're too rough with a dog or a new baby. So you have to proactively meet these sensory needs because that's very settling for their bodies and actually for their brains. And that's why I love having an obstacle course in the backyard of the basement. So they have things to crawl under, climb over. I want them pulling on rope or other things, pushing, shoveling mulch, carrying heavy objects, right? You can hide their food or toys in the obstacle course in the morning and say, bet you can't find it. Treasure hunts. All little kids love treasure hunts, right? When they get home from school instead of asking them about school and this skews, maybe elementary school kids have the treasure hunt that they have to find. And then maybe one day it's like, hey, why don't you hide something? And I have to find it as your kids get older, gymnastics, swimming and martial arts are often very helpful because your kids are often better at individual sports and these also meet sensory needs, right? When they're upset and physical, I like to revert to and lead them to one of those physical activities they enjoy, right? I'd rather have a phone book so they can not that they make those anymore, but that they can rip up like the incredible hawks to pull and push on things. Final thing just about with little kids is enjoy them, right? I know your little kids are irritating and they annoy you, get under your skin. But that's a clue that you have a lot of triggers that you need to work on and do the opposite work with. Otherwise you're letting a toddler control you.