Calm Parenting Podcast: Proper Expectations of Toddlers, Teens & In-Between Host: Kirk Martin | Release Date: August 10, 2022

Introduction

In this insightful episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, hosted by Kirk Martin, the focus centers on establishing proper expectations for children across various developmental stages—from toddlers to teenagers. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children and assisting nearly a million families, Kirk provides practical strategies to navigate the complexities of parenting strong-willed kids. This bonus episode, inspired by numerous listener inquiries, aims to offer liberating perspectives to parents overwhelmed by societal pressures and unrealistic standards.

Proper Expectations for Toddlers

Kirk begins by addressing parents of toddlers, emphasizing the importance of setting age-appropriate expectations. He asserts that toddlers are naturally inclined to explore, make messes, and disrupt daily routines as part of their developmental process.

"Toddlers are not supposed to be productive or efficient, right? Their job is to ruin your agenda for the day." [04:20]

He highlights that expecting toddlers to adhere to strict schedules or be overly disciplined can lead to unnecessary stress and power struggles. Instead, Kirk encourages parents to embrace the exploratory nature of toddlers, understanding that their actions are not acts of defiance but expressions of curiosity and growth.

Managing Strong-Willed Toddlers

Addressing parents of strong-willed toddlers, Kirk offers strategies to reduce conflict and foster cooperation. He advises shifting the approach from outright refusals to offering appropriate alternatives, thereby minimizing frustration for both parents and children.

"Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, always say yes to something appropriate." [06:45]

Kirk emphasizes the importance of providing choices and engaging toddlers in meaningful activities. For instance, instead of demanding that a child stop a particular behavior, redirect their energy towards a constructive task or challenge that aligns with their interests and abilities.

Maintaining Parental Composure

A critical aspect of managing strong-willed children is parental self-regulation. Kirk underscores the necessity for parents to control their emotional responses, ensuring that discipline is administered calmly and consistently.

"When you say no, use an even matter-of-fact tone. No emotion." [12:30]

By maintaining an unemotional stance during disciplinary moments, parents can prevent escalating conflicts and model emotional regulation for their children. This approach helps children understand boundaries without feeling attacked or shamed.

Simplifying Family Life

Kirk addresses the often-overwhelming expectations placed on parents to maintain immaculate households and flawless routines. He encourages parents, especially those with multiple young children, to accept a certain level of chaos as natural and unavoidable.

"With two kids under the age of three, your house should be a mess most of the time and your entire day should be putting out fires." [17:49]

Kirk advises parents to prioritize meaningful interactions over maintaining perfect appearances, suggesting that authenticity and connection are far more beneficial for both parents and children than adhering to unrealistic standards.

Self-Care for Parents

Recognizing the immense pressures parents face, Kirk emphasizes the importance of self-care. He advises parents to identify and integrate small, manageable self-care practices into their daily routines to recharge and maintain their well-being.

"Start working in some self-care during the day before or when you get worn down. Think about what does recharge you, what feeds you." [17:49]

Kirk highlights that taking care of oneself is not only beneficial for parents but also enhances their capacity to support and nurture their children effectively.

Transitioning to Older Kids

Moving beyond toddlers, Kirk briefly touches on strategies for managing elementary school-aged children and middle schoolers. He stresses the importance of allowing children to shine by leveraging their strengths and passions, thereby fostering self-esteem and resilience.

"Kids in elementary school are supposed to get in trouble and be impulsive." [22:15]

For middle schoolers, Kirk normalizes their struggles with identity and independence, advising parents to provide support without overreacting to typical teenage behaviors. He encourages affirming positive actions and minimizing focus on missteps to cultivate a trusting and open parent-child relationship.

Conclusion

Throughout the episode, Kirk Martin reinforces the idea that parenting strong-willed children requires flexibility, patience, and a willingness to adjust expectations based on developmental stages. By embracing the natural tendencies of children and prioritizing authentic connections over societal expectations, parents can create a harmonious and supportive environment conducive to their children's growth and well-being.

"I give you permission to just roll with the day as it comes instead of fitting two little kids into an artificial agenda filled with unrealistic expectations." [17:49]

Kirk concludes by encouraging parents to seek out additional resources and support through the Celebrate Calm platform, offering comprehensive programs tailored to various age groups and parenting challenges.

Key Takeaways

• Age-Appropriate Expectations: Understand and accept the developmental norms for each child’s age, minimizing undue pressure and conflict.

• Positive Redirection: Replace outright refusals with constructive alternatives to guide children’s behavior and decision-making.

• Emotional Regulation: Maintain calm and consistent discipline to model emotional control and prevent escalating power struggles.

• Simplify and Accept Chaos: Embrace the inherent messiness of family life, focusing on meaningful interactions over perfect appearances.

• Prioritize Self-Care: Integrate small self-care practices to ensure parental well-being, enhancing the ability to support children effectively.

• Support Independence: Encourage children’s strengths and passions, fostering self-esteem and resilience, especially during pivotal developmental stages like middle school.

For further support and resources, parents can visit CelebrateCalm.com or reach out directly via email at casey@celebratecalm.com.