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That's cozyearth.com calm with code CALM for 40% off we have a nephew who's really bright, but he struggles in a couple classes and I asked him why he enjoys using IXL so much and he said with IXL he can learn his own speed and do it independently. You know our kids like figuring things out on their own. He likes the video tutorials and learning games that explain new concepts in a way he understands. And he said, IXL makes me feel smart again. I encourage you to check out ixl.com kirk to learn how IEXCEL can enrich your homeschool curriculum From K to 12. Or just help any of your kids who are struggling in a couple classes. IEXCEL gives your kids tools to be successful and allows them to explore any topic in any grade level. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off in an IXL membership when you sign up today at iexcel.com Kirk Visit iexcel.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. How do you get your kids to do their chores without having to repeat yourself and remind them 18 times? What do you do when a child flat out defies you and disregards your instructions? Or what should you do when your child doesn't do their homework or go to their sports practice? Should we force a teenager to go on family vacation? How do we get a child to do uncomfortable things without arguing about it every single day? That is what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And you can find us atthecelebrate calm.com and this is the final few days of the Extended Mother's Day sale. So I don't like to give the standard answers to questions because they tend not to work with strong willed kids. The standard answers tend to backfire. How many of you had a more compliant child first and you were like, wow, we are such good parents. And then you had the strong willed child. You're like, we don't know anything anymore. So I want to share a few odd answers in order to inspire you to think different, differently, to challenge your assumptions and experiment doing it in a different way. Now, I'm not saying that these answers are the right ones. In every situation there are always other options that are tougher or softer or just different. But I thought these might help you see things in a slightly different way. So, five questions, five answers. Number one. How do we stop from constantly having to remind our child to to do chores and little tasks? We give our daughter a clear timeline and task, like having the dishes done every 10 minutes. I remind her and inevitably it's not done. So she loses screen time and then she loses her mind, screams, and makes everybody in the house miserable. So I get your frustration. These are simple requests and it shouldn't be a big deal, but it often is with our kids. So let's try some different ideas. Let's make the chore more challenging or difficult because that may just stimulate your child's brain. When we had all those kids at our camps back in the day, I would give them chores, but I'd have them do them blindfolded or backwards just to make it a challenge. Challenge your daughter to do her chores in a weird way. How about this one? In a way that even irritates you because it will always irritate you anyway. Because we have control issues, maybe in a way that no one has ever done it before. Because our kids love being independent and grown up. They they make it a more adult type job because our kids often do better with adult in the kind of in the adult world. Here's another idea. Most of our kids hate being watched. They don't like being monitored because it feels like you're observing them fail routinely. So you could say, hey, I bet you can't get your job done before I am up in the morning. Kids often like being the only one up or feel like they or like making coffee like a grown up. I bet you can't do this before I get back upstairs after doing laundry. I've had this one work before the child gets up early or stays up late with mom or dad, just the two of them, because that feels special. It's worth the shot. I'm always trying to learn about my kids because I want to find that little insight that gives me clues. And if your child prefers to do things without being watched or early or late, well, then I can apply that to homework time as well and give the child ownership over how they get it done and where they get it done and possibly even when they get it done. If you are a stay at home or homeschooling parent, have the other parent handle situations like this. Why? Because you Give your child 185 instructions each day and you get more frustrated because you're with them all day. So the other parent will often have a fresh voice. Your kids are really sensitive to your tone, so experiment with this. If you're a single parent, then fake it. Use a positive, upbeat, encouraging tone. Just watch how your kids respond to that. Now, I know your objection to this idea, but do it anyway. What if you did dishes with your daughter while you asked about some of her favorite things that she's curious about? You take an interest in something she's into while you do the dishes with her. And yes, I know she needs to learn how to listen and follow directions and do chores and do things that you don't want to do in life because life is filled with things like that. But then again, the instruction you're giving her of doing the dishes is arbitrary and it's not working. So I'm curious about her response. If you just did it this way. Final idea, change the timeline, saying, hey, you need to get this done in the next hour. Well, the time isn't compressed enough and a lot of neurotypical people, type A people maybe, or compliant people, say, well, I'm just going to go ahead and get my chores done by 3:45pm because then it's done and I can move on. And, and that's very, very smart. But there are other people like me who think, huh, I've got an hour, that's a long way away. How many other things can I take care of and wait till the last minute? What else can I do in between that time? And then some of us will procrastinate, end up frustrated because you don't get it done. So you could change the timeline to having it be done in the next 7 minutes or 17 minutes. I like odd time limits. Or you could have a new tradition in your home, which is that at 3:47pm because that's very specific and odd. Play three songs that your kids really like and everybody does a different chore while those songs are playing and you're dancing or playing something intense like Metallica. I'm just kidding. Probably, but experiment with it. Okay, question number two. I will tell my son, I, I need you to play in the living room, but get out of the kitchen and stay out while I make dinner. He then proceeds to come up with every reason in the world why he needs to come into the kitchen. Or he'll just continue to cross the boundary of the kitchen. Huge shocker there, Mom. And this reminds me of the kids who, when you say, hey, do not put your feet on the sofa. They will hold their. Their foot or their heel or toe a hundredth of a centimeter off the sofa and. And then tap it with their heel or toe. And then argue with you that you said foot, but you didn't specifically say heel or toe. I want you to try something different. The next time your son comes back into the kitchen, smile and say something like this. Oh, I am so glad you came back in. I missed your smile. And then turn around and begin cooking again. Or engage him and say, you know what? I'm glad you came back in because I could really use your help. Could you get X from the pantry and twist that jar off for me? Or ask him a question about something he's interested in? And I want to try this for two reasons. One, see if he looks up at you, smiles, and then turns around and goes back out of the room. Because sometimes kids are looking for a connection. They need that intensity. And when we feed that, it's enough. And then they leave. Number two, it could be that you're being a little needlessly rigid with this. And I know our kids are strong willed, but sometimes we are as well. And sometimes we choose arbitrary rules and it feels like kind of we have to win. And it's not about winning. It's about building a relationship and teaching your kids and learning how their brains work and teaching them to be responsible. And sometimes we, as parents dig in so much, we almost create that power struggle. So do the opposite of what you normally would do, and let's see what your son's response is. Okay, question number three. We have a daughter who's 10. She's got scoliosis and will have to wear a brace 21 hours a day for the next several years. She's really active kid, but she ends up playing the blame game. You're so mean. You're ruining my life. Everything sucks because I have to wear this brace and we just go in circles. So my encouragement to you is stop trying to convince her that it's not a big deal or that it's important for her health. Kids are not thinking three or five or 30 years in the future. They're only thinking, no, I'm not going to get used to it. It makes my clothes stick out, look funny, and the other kids will make fun of me. Instead. Agree with her because the truth is, it is unfair. It does suck. You don't have to use that word, but you could. And it's really uncomfortable and it looks stupid and it's ruining her. Validate all those things without hesitation because they're all true. That doesn't mean she doesn't have to wear the brace. Just that doing so is a huge pain. I wouldn't want to wear a brace for an hour a day. So you could say that. You could say, look, if I were you, I'd hate wearing that. You could say, I'd hate wearing that stupid thing all the time. In fact, I admire you when you do wear it. It's one of my favorite qualities about you, honey. And you can push through when things are really hard and not many people can. Other people give up. But you're a fighter. See, that's a very affirming thing to say. I'd also do this because she has to wear something very uncomfortable for her health. You and your spouse could agree to do something that's uncomfortable for you every day that's also good for your health, like a certain number of pushups or sit ups or. Or changing your diet, eating or drinking something you don't necessarily want to because that way she's not alone in this. And you're modeling. Yeah, we sacrifice in the short term for health and gains in the long term. See, she'll see you doing something you don't like that ultimately helps you become more healthy. Maybe you allow her. I really like this one. You allow your daughter to design a workout routine for you that makes you uncomfortable, and then you can say with a grimace, you're mean. You're ruining my life. This exercise is so hard and you kind of bond over it. Now your daughter isn't alone and you're bonding and everybody in the family is doing something uncomfortable together.