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Calm Parenting Podcast
Q&A: Picky Eater Picks on Siblings, Entitled Kids & Tantrums, Won’t Show Math Work, Bad Manners
00:25:20
What should we do with a picky child who creates stress at meal times and won’t show his math work, a sibling who picks on her younger brother, or a child who doesn’t exhibit good manners? How we do reset after we’ve created kids who feel entitled to get take-out, etc? What should we think about before giving an iPhone for Christmas? How can I not take my stress out on my kids? Kirk provides concise, concrete, hard-hitting answers to these tough questions.
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At checkout, that's happy mammoth.com with the code Calm. So do you have a child who is very picky about food and creates stress at mealtime? Probably. Do you have a child? Do any of you have the kids who are really bright and they do their get their math work right but they don't want to show their work and they will fight you for years over this. What about when siblings pick on a younger brother or sister or a child that doesn't have good manners? What should you be thinking about as you're considering giving your child a smartphone for Christmas? And how about this one? Sometimes as parents we get into these habits and we kind of create a little bit of entitlement where our kids think, well, you always take us to different restaurants and we get takeout from different places and you're like, we've gone too far. How do we reset our expectations with our kids knowing they're not going to be happy about that and they're going to lash out? And what about this? How do you not take your stress out on your kids? That all of those things are what we are going to address on today's Q and A episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our big Christmas sale@celebratecalm.com so I want to provide some concise, concrete, hard hitting answers to these tough questions. And even if you don't struggle with one of these situations, especially right now, you may eventually. And even if you don't, you can take the principles and apply them to different situations. Okay, number one, that's pretty common. Our son, nine, is incredibly picky. It's creating so much stress at mealtime. Any ideas? And look, I just want to say for these answers, I could spend 20 minutes on just this answer and we could talk about all kinds of things that we want to do with food. Like, hey, check and see if there's gut issues. Might want to check with a functional medicine doctor. There's tons of things, but I want to try to keep it focused here. So, look, I'm particular about the food I like to eat. It's what I'm putting in my own body. So I don't have a problem with kids being picky because I'm picky. I just don't expect everyone around me to cater to my whims. And I don't want you to either. So look, you can acknowledge this with your son. It's perfectly fine to be, you could say picky, but we could also say, you could say he's particular, but you could also say, hey, you just have preferences about the brand or type of food that you like. Good. You know what you want in life. That's a great quality. But there are some established guidelines or rules I won't ever violate in my home because, well, I'm the parent and I love you. So we're not keeping sugar and too many carbs in the house. That's just the way life works. Do not try to convince your kids that this is right or that they should like it. Don't show them the food pyramid because it's all wrong anyway. But don't just establish what you want in your home, and then that just becomes the way you roll. And you can tell your son or daughter, look, I love that you want all this independence and you want to choose what you like. And so I want to give you that independence to learn how to make your own meals. And obviously moms and dads, this is within your acceptable guidelines as a parent. Just know that it's not always going to be something really, really healthy. Right now will be down the road. But right now, teach them how to prepare meals. Right? If you want to learn how to cook and prepare your own meals, you can be very independent. Look up a local kids cooking class or even an adult one at a local community college. There's YouTube videos about this that teach kids how to cook because you can give your child some ownership over this process and expect your child to step up. Who cares if your child makes a couple batches of something each week and just heats them up every night? I do that myself. I'll make a big pot of chili and then have it three nights in a row. Why? Because I love the consistency of eating what I like. It's easy. I don't have to think about it. I put the same thing on it every single time. Why can't your kids do that? And I understand you're coming up against cultural norms and how you grew up of like, oh, we have family dinner time every night together. Well, in some families, it's not that awesome because, like, I'll just take me as a dad. I would get upset at the dinner table. You need to sit still, eat everything on your plate. And now you're creating so much stress around food that just, it just doesn't have to be there. So if you have a kid who's independent and every day makes his or her own meal, that would be awesome. There's nothing wrong with that at all. So present that as an option and let them know, hey, I love how independent you are. So you can be very clear. I'm expanding my boundaries and being more flexible in these areas. I'm also very clear that I'm not doing X or Y. We're not doing a lot of sugar, not doing a lot of carbs, whatever it is. Okay? This is going to be very focused. A sibling who has started picking on a younger child, this is not the only way to handle it. But in this particular instance with the question I got, I thought about doing it in a more subtle way. So when you're doing something with your daughter that doesn't require eye contact, maybe Drop in something like this. Hey, honey, I've noticed lately that you've been doing or not doing X much better. And I appreciate that because I always start with a positive. It shows me you're growing up. Hey, just something to think about. People who pick on other people tend to do that because they don't feel great about themselves, but it ultimately makes them look weak. And you're not a weak person. So let me know if you need some help with that. See, I try the more subtle approach at times first and just see how your child responds. You're drop, you're planting a seed. You're offering to help, but you're not saying, honey, we need to sit down and we need to look at each other and have a deep talk about how important it is to be kind to each other. That never works. It's awkward. Your child already knows that what they're doing is wrong no matter what it is. And so instead I'd rather I point it out. I don't draw a lot of attention to it. I plant a seed and then I plant some ideas to do it differently or offer to help and see. Then I can give them space to process it. So I can always be more overt about this. But I like having open conversations, just not in that luxury style tone. I'm just addressing, hey, this is how human nature works and most people end up doing this. And here's an alternative part of it might be this. Hey, sometimes we control. Because I've done this before in my own life, we start to be controlling of other people because we don't always feel in control of our life. And so you see that all the time. So do say that. And so is there something around the house, even a more grown up kind of job that your child could do? Something they have ownership of that makes them feel competent and confident and grown up? That can help. Okay, here's a good question. We're considering getting our child a smartphone for Christmas. What should we plan for? So here are three ideas that just popped into my head. Number one, create crystal clear expectations from the start and rigidly enforce them. You just heard in the previous two questions, I'm flexible with food. We're not talking about a moral issue or really safety there. But when it comes to screens, they can get out of hand very, very quickly. So I'm crystal clear originally, enforce them. Are you going to allow apps on their phone? Which ones? What time does the phone need to be turned in every night on the kitchen counter? How many hours a day can they be on it. What are the repercussions if their attitude changes and their grades begin to drop? I would be very clear. I would be very rigid because we have kids who will argue and if you give them an inch, they will take a thousand miles. Safety, huge priority. Especially as they're getting on this. Look, your kids are naive. They aren't aware that there's going to be like 6 billion strangers on the other end of that device. And I want to make sure to keep your child safe and then take away some of that anxiety over this. Remembered one of the recent podcasts. It was called no Drama Screen Safety. I mentioned Bright Canary and I bring that up because I love that app and I've heard from a lot of parents who are using it because Bright Canary uses AI. It scans your child's views and messages and it alerts you to content that might be concerning. It's cool because it monitors YouTube, Google text messages and most social media platforms. So it'll give you a heads up if they're being exposed to things like explicit images, drugs, self harm. Because look, even good kids are going to make mistakes and we have strong will kids who are very impulsive and so they're even a little bit more vulnerable. And I want our kids to know when you share something on a device, it's kind of like squeezing toothpaste. Once it's out, you can't put it back. And what I like about an app like Bright Canary is it's a fantastic way for you to supervise without having to constantly look over your child's shoulder because you don't need to look at their phone. And I'll just, I have to reinforce this. Every day we get emails from parents whose kids are being exposed to all kinds of content. Some of these kids get explicit images and then they find themselves facing expulsion from school. And I know you don't want to feel like you're spying on your kids, but your supervision is teaching them that a device is not private. It's not like writing in a diary. Everything they send can be exposed to the world and when they don't understand this, they can fall into difficult situations and even exploitation, sexploitation. This is serious stuff. So I do want you to protect them and I'd encourage you. I really love this one. Download Bright Canary on the App Store. You can even get a free trial on that today. So highly recommended. Number three, use this as an opportunity to connect with your kids. I don't want you to hand them these devices and then have them disappear to their rooms and their own world. So take an interest in some of their seemingly inane things that they're interested in and do on their phone. Casey and I would bond over different activities. Sometimes we got lucky and we had a shared interest, but a lot of times it was mindless stuff that I didn't like, but I wanted to be engaged and involved. Here's another cool thing. Model self control with your own phone. First, make sure you put it down frequently that you're not constantly checking it at every stoplight while you're driving. Have some boundaries like hey, no screens for anyone at the dinner table. And perhaps between 6 and 7pm you just enforce hey, this is family time and there's no screen time. What I will tell you is if you start it from the beginning and you just stay consistent with it, it will be much easier. Now what about that child who won't show their work in math class? Or what about when you've allowed your kids to kind of be a little bit entitled? 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Many of you have kids who see patterns in things and in some ways they just look at the problem, the math problem, and they see the pattern and how it fits together. And in some ways they just literally see the answer. And so how can this child show his or her work? See, they didn't use the normal process. They just saw a pattern and got it. And now they're being asked to show a process they didn't use. And so that's doubly frustrating because now you're going to add, you don't understand me. You're trying to impose some other kind of process or standard on me. And that creates a lot of anger. Plus, think about it. It's a waste of time to them, why do I need to do this? Duh, I already showed you my work by getting the answer right. So to them, it's an arbitrary request. And you have kids who get really angry about those things. So look, here's the thing. Let your child argue with the teacher about this. I don't blame the teacher for requiring that they show their work because they want to know, are you getting the process? Because this all builds. I totally get that. I also don't blame your child for refusing to do it. And the teacher may say, hey, if you don't show your work, you only get partial credit and your strong will. Child will likely say, I don't care, because why should your child care? Let them just own that. But. Or just fight over it for the next 10 years. Okay, question. I get so intense, tense and rushed and then I get short with my kids, which then escalates. What can I do differently? So one of the challenges I give if you go through a 30 days to calm program is when you're in a rush, do the opposite. Let someone cut in front of you in traffic, at the post office, at the grocery store. So here's what happened when a mom did this. She said, yesterday we were in a hurry to a doctor's appointment and I purposefully slowed down to let Another car in front of me. And my oldest son noticed. And I told him it's about taking back power of my life and putting others first. And later that night, he gave up his time on the video games for his younger brother who'd not been feeling well. And I thanked him and he responded, well, I like having that power. And he walked away. Mom said, who knew? See, that power of modeling is very, very. Is very, very cool. Okay, question. We're about to spend time with family and they constantly say our primary goal is to raise well mannered children. And our strong willed child is shy and doesn't always use proper manners. What would you do? Well, look, well mannered isn't even on my top 10 list for character attributes. Sure. Look, we've got a grown son. He is very well mannered. If you ever email us, you'll discover that that he's an awesome young man. It's a key part customer service of his other job. But the truth is, when he was young, he wasn't didn't always have good manners. And that wasn't my primary goal. Look, I've known plenty of well mannered adults who outwardly exhibit fine social graces, but inwardly they're just bitter, mean people. And sometimes this just strikes me as being more about us as parents. Right. Well, I want a child who doesn't embarrass me, who represents me well. And I get that. I do. But many of you do have younger kids who don't have great manners. Some of you have kids on the spectrum and they're just not always great at interacting with other people. Or they hide behind your leg or become mute when you introduce them to other adults. Don't worry. Don't force that. Model it, model it. Model appropriate social graces and manners and they will follow suit as they mature and become confident. Look, many of you have kids who get in trouble at school because they're anxious or have sensory processing issues. It causes them to act out inappropriately bad behavior. But it's not about their behavior. They just need tools to be successful. So here are two big things I would focus on. Focus on the most important inner character attributes. Here are a bunch that I'd rather focus on than manners. Leadership, Courage, Doing the right thing even when you do break rules. Initiative, Critical thinking skills. Good judgment, Compassion, Wisdom, Self awareness, curiosity, Self control. See, when you focus on all of those things and focusing on practicing self control with your kids, you'll find that impulsivity, stealing and behavior issues largely go away. And number two, give your tools kids to handle these issues. I've been through that in tons of podcasts. Teach them how to control their impulses and urges. Show them how to use their energy in positive ways. And if they don't know how to do that, they'll continually be in trouble. So we're always giving tools for success. I promise you, the manners will come later. Just model it, model it. Model it in front of them. But more importantly, focus on the really important qualities. Okay, here's a great question. We have allowed our kids to get away with stuff that builds. It kind of builds. And then it irritates us. Like demanding takeout from multiple restaurants, demanding we do fun stuff even when we said we have errands to do and we want to pull back on that. But when we do say no, we know they're going to lose it. So here's what I would begin doing. Number one, reset expectations. Be crystal clear with examples, I. E. We are not running two separate restaurants for you to get takeout. And here's a small little thing that's important to me. Sometimes parents will be like, sorry, but we're not going to do that anymore. You're not sorry, and there's no need to apologize for that. But number two, do apologize for creating these false expectations in the first place. No blame, no guilt. But you need to apologize because you created this expectation that they could demand whatever they wanted and then you'd just give it to them whenever they wanted. And so that's how they've been trained. So apologize for that. Not a long one, just a simple, hey, I apologize. We've created this expectation in you, and we're sorry we did that. And then the third thing is, you are simply going to have to go through short term hell to break this old pattern. They are going to go ape now to see if you will actually keep your word or give in because it's easier. So when not if they lose their minds and wail and cry and threaten you because you won't do what you've always done. Expect that. No lectures, no snotty tone, no talking about gratitude. Stay even. And matter of fact, I'm fine with your tantrums. Just know they're not going to work and it's just going to be awful for a while until you have reset expectations in your home. But I want you to know it's worth it. Do it now. The longer you wait, the worse it will get. The bigger and older your kids will get and the harder, harder it will be to reel it back in. Just Expect it to be awful. Don't beat yourself up. Don't beat them up. Just be united as a couple. Support each other and make it through this withdrawal period, so to speak, until expectations are reset. And affirm them when they handle these changes well. But don't give any intensity or energy to the negative. So you can do this. I believe in you. Okay, moms and dads, let's take these principles, apply them to different situations because you can see there's firm, even matter of fact. There is using that kind of tone. It is setting clear expectations. It is being a person of integrity of your word. It is reading the moment, knowing that with some things I give space, like food. Hey, I'm okay with you doing it this way. Let me give you some ownership. Here is an acceptable range of what you can do. But I want you to be responsible for that. So let's do this. Moms and dads, I'm proud of you. I respect you for letting me be so tough on you. I know this is hard work and I appreciate you really working on yourselves. I appreciate you sharing the podcast. Do take advantage of the Christmas sale if you have not already. If you need help financially with that, just reach out to Kasey and you will find that he has fantastic manners for you because he's like all of our kids, awesome for other people. All right, Love you all very much. Take care. Keep working hard at this.