Transcript
Kirk Martin (0:00)
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
Casey Martin (0:02)
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Kirk Martin (1:20)
So do you have a child who is very picky about food and creates stress at mealtime? Probably. Do you have a child? Do any of you have the kids who are really bright and they do their get their math work right but they don't want to show their work and they will fight you for years over this? What about when siblings pick on a younger brother or sister or a child that doesn't have good manners? What should you be thinking about as you're considering giving your child a smartphone for Christmas? And how about this one? Sometimes as parents we get into these habits and we kind of create a little bit of entitlement where our kids think, well, you always take us to different restaurants and we get takeout from different places and you're like we've gone too far. How do we reset our expectations with our kids knowing they're not going to be happy about that and they're going to lash out? And what about this? How do you not take your stress out on your kids? That all of those things are what we are going to address on today's Q and A episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our big Christmas sale@celebratecalm.com so I want to provide some concise, concrete, hard hitting answers to these tough questions. And even if you don't struggle with one of these situations, especially right now. You may eventually, and even if you don't, you, you can take the principles and apply them to different situations. Okay. Number one, this is pretty common. Our son, nine, is incredibly picky. It's creating so much stress at mealtime. Any ideas? And look, I just want to say for these answers, I could spend 20 minutes on just this answer and we could talk about all kinds of things that we want to do with food. Like, hey, check and see if there's gut issues. Might want to check with a functional medicine doctor. There's tons of things, but I want to try to keep it focused here. So, look, I'm particular about the food I like to eat. It's what I'm putting in my own body. So I don't have a problem with kids being picky because I'm picky. I just don't expect everyone around me to cater to my whims. And I don't want you to either. So look, you can acknowledge this with your son. It's perfectly fine to be, you could say picky, but we could also say, you could say he's particular, but you could also say, hey, you just have preferences about the brand or type of food that you like. Good. You know what you want in life. That's a great quality. But there are some established guidelines or rules I won't ever violate in my home because, well, I'm the parent and I love you. So we're not keeping sugar and too many carbs in the house. That's just the way life works. Do not try to convince your kids that this is right or that they should like it. Don't show them the food pyramid because it's all wrong anyway. But don't just establish what you want in your home and then that just becomes the way you roll. And you can tell your son or daughter, look, I love that you want all this independence and you want to choose what you like. And so I want to give you that independence to learn how to make your own meals. And obviously moms and dads, this is within your acceptable guidelines as a parent. Just know that it's not always going to be something really, really healthy. Right now will be down the road. But right now, teach them how to prepare meals. Right? If you want to learn how to cook and prepare your meals, you can be very independent. Look up a local kids cooking class or even an adult one at a local community college. There's YouTube videos about this that teach kids how to cook because you can Give your child some ownership over this process and expect your child to step up. Who cares if your child makes a couple batches of something each week and just heats them up every night? I do that myself. I'll make a big pot of chili and then have it three nights in a row. Why? Because I love the consistency of eating what I like. It's easy. I don't have to think about it. I put the same thing on it every single time. Why can't your kids do that? And I understand you're coming up against cultural norms and how you grew up of, like, oh, we have family dinner time every night together. Well, in some families, it's not that awesome because, like, I'll just take me as a dad. I would get upset at the dinner table. You need to sit still, eat everything on your plate. And now you're creating so much stress around food that just. It just doesn't have to be there. So if you have a kid who's independent and every day makes his or her own meal, that would be awesome. There's nothing wrong with that at all. So present that as an option and let them know, hey, I love how independent you are, so you can be very clear. I'm expanding my boundaries and being more flexible in these areas. I'm also very clear that I'm not doing X or Y. We're not doing a lot of sugar, not doing a lot of carbs, whatever it is. Okay? This is going to be very focused. A sibling who has started picking on a younger child, this is not the only way to handle it. But in this particular instance with the question I got, I thought about doing it in a more subtle way. So when you're doing something with your daughter that doesn't require eye contact, maybe drop in something like this. Hey, honey, I've noticed lately that you've been doing or not doing X much better. And I appreciate that because I always start with a positive. It shows me you're growing up. Hey, just something to think about. People who pick on other people tend to do that because they don't feel great about themselves, but it ultimately makes them look weak. And you're not a weak person. So let me know if you need some help with that. See, I try the more subtle approach at times first and just see how your child responds. You're planting a seed. You're offering to help, but you're not saying, honey, we need to sit down and we need to look at each other and have a deep talk about how important it is to be Kind to each other. That never works. It's awkward. Your child already knows that what they're doing is wrong no matter what it is. And so instead I'd rather I point it out. I don't draw a lot of attention to it. I plant a seed and then I plant some ideas to do it differently or offer to help and see. Then I can give them space to process it. So I can always be more overt about this. But I like having open conversations, just not in that luxury style tone. I'm just addressing, hey, this is how human nature works and most people end up doing this. And here's an alternative part of it might be this. Hey, sometimes we control, because I've done this before in my own life, we start to be controlling of other people because we don't always feel in control of our life. And so you see that all the time. So do say that. And so is there something around the house, even a more grown up kind of job, that your child could do? Something they have ownership of that makes them feel competent and confident and grown up? That can help. Okay, here's a good question. We're considering getting our child a smartphone for Christmas. What should we plan for? So here are three ideas that just.