Calm Parenting Podcast: Quick Tips for Dads Ep. 4

Episode Title: Don't Ask Your Wife to be the Referee
Host: Kirk Martin
Date: October 17, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, addresses a common trap many dads fall into: asking their wives to serve as the emotional “referee” between themselves and their strong-willed children. Kirk candidly shares his personal experiences, the emotional toll this dynamic takes on marriages, and provides practical, actionable steps for dads to break this unhealthy pattern. The episode is direct, honest, and sprinkled with Kirk’s signature humor.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Referee” Trap in Parenting (01:35 – 07:10)

• Kirk’s Admission: Kirk confesses the biggest mistake he made in his marriage: expecting his wife to manage his emotions when he was frustrated with their strong-willed son.
  • “I think the worst thing that I ever did to my wife was put her in the position of having to manage my emotions for me because I couldn't control my own emotions.” — Kirk (02:16)
• How It Plays Out: Real-life examples from the dinner table, car rides, and public situations where Kirk’s emotional escalation led his wife to step in, trying to mitigate conflict and anticipate explosive situations.
• Emotional Fallout: This pattern caused growing tension, making his wife feel she must constantly “walk on eggshells” to keep the peace, undermining mutual respect.
  • “She was put in the position of being the referee between her child and the man she married. And that... is untenable. It is unsustainable. She cannot and will not do that forever.” — Kirk (04:47)
• Root Causes: Kirk ties these issues to his own upbringing with a volatile parent and stresses the importance of breaking generational cycles.

2. The Impact on Marriage and Family Dynamics (05:20 – 07:31)

• Erosion of Respect: Allowing emotional volatility to dominate the home can damage respect and trust.
  • “All that would happen would be I would continue to escalate situations all the time... she began to lose respect for me. Why? Well, because I thought I was marrying a man, but I married some guy who can't control himself.” — Kirk (05:35)
• The Exhaustion Cycle: The constant tension turns the home into a place where everyone is just trying to prevent the next blow-up.

3. The “Don’t” and Two Essential “Dos” (07:32 – 09:40)

• What to STOP Doing: Don’t force your wife into the role of referee.
• Action Step 1: Be vulnerable—ask your wife if she feels this happens, and listen to her honestly without defensiveness.
  • “Ask your wife if this happens in your home... ask her how it makes her feel. Don’t make any excuses. You can simply apologize and say, ‘I didn’t really realize I was putting you in that position. And I apologize for that.’ Start there.” — Kirk (08:20)
• Action Step 2: Learn and practice skills for calming yourself and de-escalating situations with your children.

4. Practical Tools for De-Escalation (12:20 – 17:50)

• Prioritizing Personal Growth: Kirk challenges dads to devote as much time and energy into emotional self-management as they do to their hobbies or careers.
  • “Put that same amount of energy into learning how to control yourself.” — Kirk (13:23)
• Sit Down Instead of Escalating: Changing your physical posture can shift the emotional tone. Sitting down signals control rather than aggression.
  • “When you sit down, it changes the dynamic. You’re not losing your authority. You’re actually gaining more authority because you’re not out of control.” — Kirk (14:01)
• Motion Changes Emotion: Use movement to break tension—invite your child to join you in a physical activity rather than pushing a confrontation.
  • Examples:
    • “I’m going to dump the Legos in the living room, if you want to come build a spaceship with me, I’ll help you.” (15:20)
    • “I’ll grab the football and go outside. Come out and play catch when you’re ready.” (15:41)
    • “I’m hungry. I’m grabbing tacos. Want to join me?” (15:55)
    • “Let’s organize your fishing lures together in the garage.” (16:45)
• Why This Works: Movement offers a change of physical, psychological, and emotional space, giving both parent and child a chance to reset. It also avoids the classic “sit down and talk about your attitude” trap that rarely works.

5. Encouragement and Building New Habits (17:51 – End)

• Practice Vulnerability: “Be vulnerable and ask your wife if this happens sometimes... And wives, if you’re listening, be honest with your husband, but also help him with this because he’s probably breaking generational patterns that he learned from his dad. And this is hard stuff.” (17:59)
• Resources for More Help:
  • Episode 521: “De-escalating with a Defiant Child” (September 24th), recommended for practical tips (18:38)
  • Episode 523: a recent episode with further examples (18:45)
• Final Words of Respect: Kirk ends with encouragement, acknowledging the difficulty and the positive impact of this work on family life.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Generational Patterns:
  “It wasn’t because I was a bad guy or a mean guy. I was just immature and I had a dad who was very volatile and abusive. And I had to learn to break that pattern.” — Kirk (05:12)
• The Respect Equation:
  “Your wife and kids don’t respect you when you lose control of yourself.” — Kirk (14:24)
• On Physical Movement:
  “Motion changes emotion. When your kids are getting upset, when there’s tension in the home, motion is a tool that helps your kids and you manage your own emotions.” — Kirk (15:06)
• On Apologizing:
  “You can simply apologize and say, ‘I didn’t really realize I was putting you in that position. And I apologize for that.’ Start there.” — Kirk (08:39)
• Commitment Call:
  “Men, for the next two weeks, I want you to practice controlling yourself, learning how to de escalate. ... Put that same amount of energy into learning how to control yourself.” — Kirk (12:25, 13:23)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:16] — Kirk describes putting his wife in the position of managing his emotions
• [04:47] — The “referee” dynamic is unsustainable
• [05:35] — Respect is lost when a spouse must walk on eggshells
• [08:20] — Step 1: Vulnerably ask your wife about the dynamic
• [14:01] — The power of sitting down instead of escalating
• [15:06] — Using motion to change emotion
• [17:59] — Honest dialogue and breaking generational patterns
• [18:38] — Recommendations for further listening

Actionable Steps & Takeaways

• Don’t make your wife the referee: Take responsibility for your emotional state in family situations.
• Have a vulnerable conversation: Ask your wife directly how this dynamic affects her, listen without defensiveness, and apologize genuinely.
• Practice self-calming and de-escalation: Use physical movement, gentle invitations, and focus on problem-solving rather than confrontation.
• Commit to growth: Invest in mastering emotional regulation as seriously as in other areas of your life.
• Leverage resources: Listen to other recommended episodes (#521, #523) for more de-escalation strategies.

Summary:
This episode delivers heartfelt, practical wisdom for dads struggling with strong-willed kids. Through honest anecdotes and specific tools, Kirk Martin empowers fathers to step up, regulate themselves, repair marital dynamics, and build a calmer, more respectful home environment—without turning their wives into referees.