Episode Overview

Podcast: Calm Parenting Podcast
Host: Kirk Martin
Episode: Quick Tips for Dads Ep. 8: How to Motivate Undisciplined or Lazy Kids Not Living Up to Their Potential
Release Date: December 19, 2025

In this heartfelt and practical episode, Kirk Martin addresses a challenge familiar to many parents, especially dads: motivating children who seem undisciplined, lazy, or “not living up to their potential.” Drawing from decades of experience with strong-willed and neurodivergent kids, Kirk dismantles common misconceptions about motivation and shares actionable advice, including scripts and mindset shifts, for helping kids thrive—without power struggles, lectures, or criticism.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Parental Anxiety and Projecting Into the Future

• (01:10) Kirk acknowledges that almost every parent, especially fathers, worries about their child’s motivation and eventual success.
  • Notably, he highlights the tendency to “project into the future out of [your] own anxiety,” imagining your child unable to succeed or be independent.
  • “Who would possibly marry this child? Who’s going to hire this child?” (01:40)

2. Why Lecturing and Pointing Out Flaws Doesn’t Work

• (02:00) Kirk explains that telling a child to “apply yourself” is demotivating and unhelpful.

  • The old line, “you need to do your best at everything,” is false—nobody does their best at everything; we learn to prioritize.

• He calls out the hypocrisy in parents who idealize their own childhoods:

  • “As men, we have these romanticized notions about how responsible we were as kids… but you know what else? We did a lot. We ran around the neighborhood... we did all kinds of stupid stuff as kids, and we still turned out all right.” (03:40)

3. Modeling Over Lecturing

• (04:20) Kirk suggests patience and perspective: kids do not value the same things parents do—yet.
  • Model the behaviors you want to see; kids will more likely emulate your actions over time.

4. The Weight of Criticism and Self-Image

• (05:10) Many strong-willed kids internalize negative labels from constant correction, feeling like the “black sheep.”
  • “Some of these kids, they don’t always do that well with behavior or grades... so they look at their siblings or their peers who are excelling and they think, well, my future doesn’t look so bright, so why even try?” (05:40)

5. What Actually Motivates Kids: Affirming Strengths

• If lecturing, threatening, and consequences worked, “they would have worked by now.” Instead:
  • Notice and affirm your child’s positive traits—even the ones that irritate you, because those are often the seeds of future strengths.
  • “The traits that irritate you most about your child will likely be the same traits responsible for their success in life.” (06:30)

Personal Story from Kirk’s Son

• Kirk shares wisdom from his son, who admits he wanted to please his dad but struggled with confidence because of high expectations:
  • “No matter how difficult I was at times, I always wanted to please my dad, but I didn’t always have a lot of confidence because I didn’t feel I could live up to his expectations... but my dad reminded me... it would come with age, and it did.” (07:10)
  • The son is now disciplined as an adult, doing all the “right things” he never did as a child.

6. The Script: How to Affirm Your Child (with Example)

(11:50)
Kirk provides a sample script for affirming a child, focusing on a hypothetical daughter, Rebecca. He recommends breaking this into bits and planting seeds over time.

Example Script:

"Rebecca, you’ve got these amazing gifts that I’ve overlooked and I’m sorry about that. You’re so good at chess and checkers and arguing because you have these great critical thinking skills and you can see patterns. That’s a superpower in life. You know how to push people’s buttons and that tells me you understand what makes people tick. And you have this big heart. Every time we see homeless people downtown, you want to come home and sell all your brother’s toys on eBay to give away to the homeless. You have this gift with little kids—they just love you. I need to apologize because out of my own anxiety, I’ve labeled you as obstinate and stubborn and unmotivated, but what you really are is persistent. When you want something, nothing holds you back. You’re not always a great follower, but you are a great leader. One day, I can see you putting together all these qualities. You could be an amazing teacher, child psychiatrist; you could own your own string of daycare centers, because God knows nobody’s going to hire you because you’re too independent... you have an amazing future ahead of you and I can’t wait to see it." (12:00-14:20)

• Finish with a hug, kiss on the forehead, fist bump, then walk away—don’t expect immediate recognition.

7. Why This Approach Works

• Instead of labeling a child based on their current (unmotivated, distracted, or oppositional) behavior, “you just created a vision of who she really is, who she will be.” (15:10)
• This helps kids see themselves through your eyes, motivating them with belief, not fear or pressure.

8. Practical Homework: Notes of Affirmation

• (16:30) Kirk urges listeners to build the habit of writing short, affirming notes to their kids—under pillows, in envelopes, etc.—every couple of weeks.
  • These notes should highlight specific things you love or believe about your child, planting “seeds” of self-worth and vision.
  • “Create a vision of who your kids can be.” (17:00)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Misplaced Parental Pressure:
  “You’re not living up to your potential. But you know you’re not living up to your potential. Neither am I... you do your best at the right things.” (02:40)

• On Parental Modeling:
  “They’ll ultimately do what you do, whether that’s good or bad, because they’re going to follow you.” (04:20)

• On the Irritating Traits Becoming Strengths:
  “The traits that irritate you most about your child will likely be the same traits responsible for their success in life.” (06:30)

• Words from Kirk’s Son:
  “I have a lot of confidence now because I know my dad believes in me. I’m a grown man and guess what? I write my goals down on paper... but I wasn’t ever like that as a kid.” (08:20)

• On the Goal of Affirming Scripts:
  “You just created a vision of who she really is, of who she will be, of who she can be. And you’re saying, ‘Hey, I know you don’t have it all together right now because none of us do at that age. Oh, but I see these great qualities, man.’” (15:10)

Important Timestamps

• 01:10 Parental anxiety about “lazy”/unmotivated kids
• 02:00 Why “applying yourself” is unhelpful language
• 03:40 Nostalgia about responsible childhoods debunked
• 05:10 Effects of criticism and sibling comparison
• 06:30 Traits that annoy you are often future strengths
• 07:10 Kirk’s son on not living up to expectations and later finding his path
• 11:50 Example affirmation script for motivating kids
• 15:10 Explaining why this method works
• 16:30 Suggestion to write affirming notes, ongoing homework

Summary Flow & Tone

Kirk Martin weaves humor and honesty with empathy and practical advice. He reassures that “lazy” or undisciplined kids aren’t doomed; they’re simply not motivated by the same things their parents value yet. Instead of lectures, criticism, or coercive consequences, he advocates patient modeling and specific, heartfelt affirmations that focus on kids’ unique strengths—even the attributes parents find most challenging. The tone is encouraging, relatable, and deeply respectful of both parents’ struggles and kids’ developmental journeys.

Useful for listeners regardless of their child’s diagnosis or temperament, this episode is a toolbox of mindset shifts and actionable steps for ditching power struggles, building your child’s self-worth, and ultimately seeing the long game through their eyes.