Quick Tips for Dads Ep. 8: How to Motivate Undisciplined or Lazy Kids Not Living Up to Their Potential - Calm Parenting Podcast

Summary6 min read

Episode Overview

Podcast: Calm Parenting Podcast
Host: Kirk Martin
Episode: Quick Tips for Dads Ep. 8: How to Motivate Undisciplined or Lazy Kids Not Living Up to Their Potential
Release Date: December 19, 2025

In this heartfelt and practical episode, Kirk Martin addresses a challenge familiar to many parents, especially dads: motivating children who seem undisciplined, lazy, or “not living up to their potential.” Drawing from decades of experience with strong-willed and neurodivergent kids, Kirk dismantles common misconceptions about motivation and shares actionable advice, including scripts and mindset shifts, for helping kids thrive—without power struggles, lectures, or criticism.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Parental Anxiety and Projecting Into the Future

(01:10) Kirk acknowledges that almost every parent, especially fathers, worries about their child’s motivation and eventual success.
- Notably, he highlights the tendency to “project into the future out of [your] own anxiety,” imagining your child unable to succeed or be independent.
- “Who would possibly marry this child? Who’s going to hire this child?” (01:40)

2. Why Lecturing and Pointing Out Flaws Doesn’t Work

(02:00) Kirk explains that telling a child to “apply yourself” is demotivating and unhelpful.
- The old line, “you need to do your best at everything,” is false—nobody does their best at everything; we learn to prioritize.
He calls out the hypocrisy in parents who idealize their own childhoods:
- “As men, we have these romanticized notions about how responsible we were as kids… but you know what else? We did a lot. We ran around the neighborhood... we did all kinds of stupid stuff as kids, and we still turned out all right.” (03:40)

3. Modeling Over Lecturing

(04:20) Kirk suggests patience and perspective: kids do not value the same things parents do—yet.
- Model the behaviors you want to see; kids will more likely emulate your actions over time.

4. The Weight of Criticism and Self-Image

(05:10) Many strong-willed kids internalize negative labels from constant correction, feeling like the “black sheep.”
- “Some of these kids, they don’t always do that well with behavior or grades... so they look at their siblings or their peers who are excelling and they think, well, my future doesn’t look so bright, so why even try?” (05:40)

5. What Actually Motivates Kids: Affirming Strengths

If lecturing, threatening, and consequences worked, “they would have worked by now.” Instead:
- Notice and affirm your child’s positive traits—even the ones that irritate you, because those are often the seeds of future strengths.
- “The traits that irritate you most about your child will likely be the same traits responsible for their success in life.” (06:30)

Personal Story from Kirk’s Son

Kirk shares wisdom from his son, who admits he wanted to please his dad but struggled with confidence because of high expectations:
- “No matter how difficult I was at times, I always wanted to please my dad, but I didn’t always have a lot of confidence because I didn’t feel I could live up to his expectations... but my dad reminded me... it would come with age, and it did.” (07:10)
- The son is now disciplined as an adult, doing all the “right things” he never did as a child.

6. The Script: How to Affirm Your Child (with Example)

(11:50)
Kirk provides a sample script for affirming a child, focusing on a hypothetical daughter, Rebecca. He recommends breaking this into bits and planting seeds over time.

Example Script:

"Rebecca, you’ve got these amazing gifts that I’ve overlooked and I’m sorry about that. You’re so good at chess and checkers and arguing because you have these great critical thinking skills and you can see patterns. That’s a superpower in life. You know how to push people’s buttons and that tells me you understand what makes people tick. And you have this big heart. Every time we see homeless people downtown, you want to come home and sell all your brother’s toys on eBay to give away to the homeless. You have this gift with little kids—they just love you. I need to apologize because out of my own anxiety, I’ve labeled you as obstinate and stubborn and unmotivated, but what you really are is persistent. When you want something, nothing holds you back. You’re not always a great follower, but you are a great leader. One day, I can see you putting together all these qualities. You could be an amazing teacher, child psychiatrist; you could own your own string of daycare centers, because God knows nobody’s going to hire you because you’re too independent... you have an amazing future ahead of you and I can’t wait to see it." (12:00-14:20)

Finish with a hug, kiss on the forehead, fist bump, then walk away—don’t expect immediate recognition.

7. Why This Approach Works

Instead of labeling a child based on their current (unmotivated, distracted, or oppositional) behavior, “you just created a vision of who she really is, who she will be.” (15:10)
This helps kids see themselves through your eyes, motivating them with belief, not fear or pressure.

8. Practical Homework: Notes of Affirmation

(16:30) Kirk urges listeners to build the habit of writing short, affirming notes to their kids—under pillows, in envelopes, etc.—every couple of weeks.
- These notes should highlight specific things you love or believe about your child, planting “seeds” of self-worth and vision.
- “Create a vision of who your kids can be.” (17:00)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Misplaced Parental Pressure:
“You’re not living up to your potential. But you know you’re not living up to your potential. Neither am I... you do your best at the right things.” (02:40)
On Parental Modeling:
“They’ll ultimately do what you do, whether that’s good or bad, because they’re going to follow you.” (04:20)
On the Irritating Traits Becoming Strengths:
“The traits that irritate you most about your child will likely be the same traits responsible for their success in life.” (06:30)
Words from Kirk’s Son:
“I have a lot of confidence now because I know my dad believes in me. I’m a grown man and guess what? I write my goals down on paper... but I wasn’t ever like that as a kid.” (08:20)
On the Goal of Affirming Scripts:
“You just created a vision of who she really is, of who she will be, of who she can be. And you’re saying, ‘Hey, I know you don’t have it all together right now because none of us do at that age. Oh, but I see these great qualities, man.’” (15:10)

Important Timestamps

01:10 Parental anxiety about “lazy”/unmotivated kids
02:00 Why “applying yourself” is unhelpful language
03:40 Nostalgia about responsible childhoods debunked
05:10 Effects of criticism and sibling comparison
06:30 Traits that annoy you are often future strengths
07:10 Kirk’s son on not living up to expectations and later finding his path
11:50 Example affirmation script for motivating kids
15:10 Explaining why this method works
16:30 Suggestion to write affirming notes, ongoing homework

Summary Flow & Tone

Kirk Martin weaves humor and honesty with empathy and practical advice. He reassures that “lazy” or undisciplined kids aren’t doomed; they’re simply not motivated by the same things their parents value yet. Instead of lectures, criticism, or coercive consequences, he advocates patient modeling and specific, heartfelt affirmations that focus on kids’ unique strengths—even the attributes parents find most challenging. The tone is encouraging, relatable, and deeply respectful of both parents’ struggles and kids’ developmental journeys.

Useful for listeners regardless of their child’s diagnosis or temperament, this episode is a toolbox of mindset shifts and actionable steps for ditching power struggles, building your child’s self-worth, and ultimately seeing the long game through their eyes.

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[00:01]
A
This Christmas, go to cozyearth.com and use code Calm to give the gift everyone else will be jealous of. Cozy Earth loungewear is the kind of soft that makes you rethink every other piece of clothing you own. You know, we live in our Cozy earth pullovers and PJs sleep under their bamboo sheets and have the best talks ever under the bubble cuddle blanket. We love giving Cozy Earth because it's the gift people open and immediately put on and will never want to take off. Wrap yourself in the unique coziness of the bubble cuddle blanket and bamboo sheets. You'll feel recharged after the busyness of the holidays and feel like a new person. Give the gift of everyday luxury and comfort that lasts far beyond the holidays. Head to cozyearth.com and use my code CALM for up to 20% off. And be sure to tell Cozy Earth we sent you that. That's cozyearth.com code calm. So how do you handle it when your kids just appear so lazy and unmotivated? Like when they're not living up to their potential? Look, I think every father on the planet struggles with this because you know what it takes to be successful in life. But you don't see your child exhibiting those traits right now. So you project into the future out of your own anxiety and you think, who would possibly marry this child? Who's going to hire this child? Who? So I want to give you some tools and scripts to use in this episode of Quick Tips for Dads and hello to the Moms as well. This will work for you also. So what happens is our parental anxiety kicks in. We're like, oh, my child just needs to apply himself or herself, which is very unmotivating, by the way. So drop that line. And then we begin to lecture and point out all the things they're not doing well. And we say, you're not living up to your potential. But you know you're not living up to your potential. Neither am I, because you could always be doing more. And that whole if you would just apply yourself. You need to do your best at everything. Those are false statements because you can't do your best at everything. You do your best at the right things. You prioritize. And sometimes, I know as men we have these romanticized notions about how responsible we were as kids. I mean, I play into that at times, like, oh, my dad was career military. We were so responsible as kids, kind of. But you know what else? We did a lot. We ran a lot around a lot in the neighborhood. With no adults around, and we played and we were mischievous, and we did all kinds of stupid stuff as kids, and we still turned out all right. And so I struggled with this with our son, and I was kind of a freak. I'd be like, casey, you need to have a written list of your goals. And my wife was like, he's only seven. I was like, but you have to start when you're young. But so listen, your kids are never going to live up to our expectations, ever, because kids don't value what you and I value right now. So I'm a grown adult. I have my own home. So mowing the lawn with great care and being precise with things around the house, well, that's important to me, but it's not important to a kid. But they will care one day. So model how you want them to live. Be patient. They will grow into themselves, just like you and I did. They'll ultimately do what you do, whether that's good or bad, because they're going to follow you. So here's my challenge for you. Your kids, especially if you have strong will kids, they're probably already beating themselves up enough in life because some of them have internalized that they're different, that they're the bad kid, the black sheep of the family, especially if you're a dad or a mom and who has been critical and always is correcting them and pointing out the negatives. Some of these kids, they don't always do that well with behavior or grades. So they look at their siblings or their peers who are excelling, and they think, well, my future doesn't look so bright, so why even try? So stop piling on. Look, if lecturing, threatening, and just given consequences were going to work, the they would have worked by now. You wouldn't be listening to our podcast. So I want you to notice your child's good traits and realize this. The traits that irritate you most about your child will likely be the same traits responsible for their success in life. And this is what my son wanted me to share with you as dads. He said, no matter how difficult I was at times, I always wanted to please my dad, but I didn't always have a lot of confidence because I didn't feel like I could live up to his expectations. I know my dad was really, really disciplined, and I often thought, how can I ever be that successful if I'm not that disciplined now? But my dad reminded me that he's 27 years older, that it would come with age, and it did. I have A lot of confidence now because I know my dad believes in me. I'm a grown man and guess what? I write my goals down on paper. I eat healthy, I exercise, my home is clean. But I wasn't ever like that as a kid. Your kids will eventually do what you do as a father, so don't downplay the role you play. So the next time your child comes sauntering into the living room with their head in their phone and you're tempted to lecture, say this instead. Now this is kind of long, so break it up into little bits. Plant seeds over time. And I'm going to share this script right after you listen to this 60 second ad. So you know what brings us a lot of joy? Getting a text from our daughter in law saying, omg, this Hungry root, coconut curry, broccoli and pepper bowl is to die for. Like many young couples, she and our son are working extra long hours during the holidays, so we're treating them to a couple extra Hungry Root meals each week. They love Hungry Root because it eliminates having to decide what to have for dinner and making that stop at the grocery store when they're tired and hungry. Hungryroot replaces expensive carryout with healthy, delicious meals that only take minutes to prepare. Plus, you can find kids meals that even picky kids love. We love Hungryroot. So take advantage of our exclusive offer. Go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box. Hungryroot.com calm code calm. Here's the script. I'm going to do it with a daughter. Rebecca. You've got these amazing gifts that I've overlooked and I'm sorry about that. You're so good at chess and checkers and arguing because you have these great critical thinking skills and you can see patterns. That's a superpower in life. You know how to push people's buttons and that tells me you understand what makes people tick. And you have this big heart. Every time we see homeless people downtown, you want to come home and sell all your brother's toys on ebay to give away to the homeless. And you have this gift with little kids. They just love you. And I need to apologize because out of my own anxiety, I've labeled you sometimes as obstinate and stubborn and unmotivated. But what you really are is persistent. Because when you want something, oh, nothing holds you back. You're not always a great follower. Oh, but you are a great leader. And one day I can see you putting together all these great qualities. You could be an amazing teacher, child psychiatrist. You could own your own string of daycare centers because God knows nobody's going to hire you because you're too independent. Leave that part out. You have an amazing future ahead of you, and I can't wait to see it. Then give her a hug, a kiss on the forehead, a fist bump to your child, and walk away. Just know your child is never going to say, dad, thank you so much for affirming me. So notice what you just did. Instead of reinforcing who she appears to be right now on the outside, right? This unmotivated kid with her head in the phone. Maybe for my son, it was a kid who's always in trouble. You just created a vision of who she really is, of who she will be, of who she can be. And you're saying, hey, I know you don't have it all together right now because none of us do at that age. Oh, but I see these great qualities, man. I can already see it because I have the wisdom and maturity and perspective to see who you really are inside. And I believe in you. So here's your homework I'd encourage you to develop. Do this tonight, but do this as a habit. Begin it over the holidays. Begin writing your kids notes, short notes. Leave it under their pillow in an envelope in their bedroom. Do this maybe every couple weeks, just with short. Plant those little seeds of this is what I see in you. And I love this about you. Create a vision of who your kids can be. Because I guarantee you, every kid, no matter their age, wants to please their dads. They just don't. Oh, they just don't always know how to do that. By the way, I just recorded an episode on December 10th on those kids who are expert button pushers. Because I mentioned that in that little script. So listen to that. I think you'll find it helpful. Okay, dads, moms who are listening, thank you for working so hard at this. Respect you all. We'll talk to you soon.