Reactive, Dawdling Kid Who Lashes Out, Not Good At Losing

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast Episode Summary
Title: Reactive, Dawdling Kid Who Lashes Out, Not Good At Losing
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: March 5, 2023

---

Introduction

In the March 5, 2023 episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into strategies for parents struggling with strong-willed children who often overreact, have difficulty losing, and engage in power struggles. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging kids, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk offers practical, compassionate advice aimed at transforming family dynamics through self-awareness and behavioral adjustments.

Understanding Reactive and Sensitive Children

Kirk begins by addressing the challenges faced by parents of sensitive children who frequently lash out and resist authority. He explains that such behaviors often stem from the child’s internal struggle with control, especially for those with sensory issues who may feel a lack of control over their own bodies and emotions.

Kirk Martin [01:20]: "If you're a kid and you feel like you don't even have control of anything in your life, control inside your brain... you’re going to try to control everyone else."

He emphasizes that children resort to behaviors like changing game rules or quitting to gain a semblance of control, which compensates for their internal feelings of helplessness.

The Role of Parental Control and Anxiety

Kirk highlights the significant impact parents' own anxieties and control issues have on their children's behavior. He notes that parents often project their frustrations onto their children, exacerbating power struggles.

Kirk Martin [05:00]: "You're trying to control things your way, but that anxiety compels you, and you still always want more."

He underscores the importance of parents recognizing their own triggers and anxieties, which often lead to impatience and frustration, thereby fueling their children's reactive behaviors.

Strategies to Manage Power Struggles

Changing Parental Responses

Kirk introduces the concept of "doing the opposite" as a key strategy. By altering their typical reactions—such as sitting down instead of standing over the child, being curious instead of lecturing, and affirming rather than criticizing—parents can break the cycle of power struggles.

Kirk Martin [14:10]: "To calm yourself, do the opposite. Do the opposite of what you normally do when you get triggered."

This approach helps create a more supportive and less confrontational environment, facilitating better communication and understanding between parents and children.

Building Self-Control in Parents

A critical aspect of Kirk's approach is encouraging parents to focus on self-regulation. He argues that by managing their own emotions and responses, parents set a positive example for their children, leading to more harmonious interactions.

Kirk Martin [08:30]: "You must learn how to control yourself first before you can expect your child to be able to control himself."

He advises parents to engage in self-reflection, identify personal triggers, and adopt mindfulness practices to enhance their emotional regulation.

Practical Implementation: 30-Day Challenge

Kirk introduces a 30-day Calm Parenting challenge designed to help parents implement these strategies effectively. Participants are encouraged to:

1. Identify Triggers: Recognize situations that provoke anxiety and reactive responses.
2. Journal Responses: Document typical reactions and their effects on the child.
3. Practice the Opposite: Actively choose to respond differently in triggering situations.

Kirk Martin [15:40]: "Spend the next 30 days not trying to change anybody else, just changing yourself."

This structured approach empowers parents to make gradual yet significant changes in their behavior, fostering a more peaceful and cooperative family environment.

Conclusion and Encouragement

Kirk concludes the episode by reaffirming the importance of self-improvement in parenting. He reassures listeners that transforming their own behaviors not only reduces power struggles but also deepens familial relationships and personal well-being.

Kirk Martin [16:00]: "You get to become a brand new person. I promise you this will impact your daily life."

He encourages parents to join the Calm Parenting program for comprehensive support and practical tools, emphasizing that lasting change begins within oneself.

---

Notable Quotes

• Understanding Control:
  "If you're a kid and you feel like you don't even have control of anything in your life, control inside your brain..."
  —Kirk Martin [01:20]

• Impact of Parental Anxiety:
  "You're trying to control things your way, but that anxiety compels you, and you still always want more."
  —Kirk Martin [05:00]

• Strategy - Do the Opposite:
  "To calm yourself, do the opposite. Do the opposite of what you normally do when you get triggered."
  —Kirk Martin [14:10]

• Self-Control Before Controling Others:
  "You must learn how to control yourself first before you can expect your child to be able to control himself."
  —Kirk Martin [08:30]

• 30-Day Challenge:
  "Spend the next 30 days not trying to change anybody else, just changing yourself."
  —Kirk Martin [15:40]

• Encouragement for Change:
  "You get to become a brand new person. I promise you this will impact your daily life."
  —Kirk Martin [16:00]

Key Takeaways

1. Self-Awareness is Crucial: Parents must recognize and manage their own anxieties and control issues to effectively support their children.
2. Behavioral Strategies Matter: Implementing strategies like "doing the opposite" can significantly reduce power struggles and improve parent-child relationships.
3. Focus on Personal Growth: The most sustainable changes in family dynamics come from parents working on themselves rather than trying to change their children.
4. Structured Support: Engaging in programs like the 30-day Calm Parenting challenge provides parents with the tools and support needed for meaningful transformation.

Additional Resources

For parents seeking further assistance, Kirk directs listeners to visit celebratecalm.com or email [e-mail] with specific questions about their parenting challenges. The Calm Parenting Package offers in-depth guidance and practical tools to implement the discussed strategies effectively.

---

This summary aims to provide a comprehensive overview of the key discussions and actionable insights from the episode. By focusing on parental self-improvement and strategic behavioral adjustments, Kirk Martin offers a pathway to more harmonious and fulfilling family relationships.

Transcript

[Advertiser]

Hey moms and dads.

[Kirk Martin]

Don't you just love when your child reminds you about a school project at bedtime the night before it's due? With Skylight calendar, you can avoid those last minute oops moments. It visually displays your family schedule in one place with different colors for each family member so you can eliminate those last minute surprises that upset your kids. Skylight Calendar is a wi fi connected digital display that syncs seamlessly with with all your calendars and visually showcases your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. You can manage events, chores and grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app. This is a game changer for families like ours and your happiness is Skylight's happiness. So if in 120 days you are not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. This is a great Mother's Day gift. And right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcal.com calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's S-K-Y-L-H-T C A L.com calm.

So do you have a more sensitive child who overreacts, like lashes out? Maybe he has trouble losing at games. And we've talked about that. Look, if you're a kid and you feel like you don't even have control of anything in your life, control inside your brain. Some kids with sensory issues don't feel like they have control of their bodies at times. And so what are you naturally going to do? You're going to try to control everyone else? That's why kids are often ball seats, why they change the rules of the game, cheat or quit. Why it's a way to guarantee the outcome of the game. And if I guarantee the outcome of the game, that takes it from being something out of my control to being in my control. Because if I lose a game, that makes me a loser and I can't stand to do that because I don't have enough confidence to do that. Can you kind of hear that in your child? Right? You can hear that in your child of like, it's not fair because you said that we were going to do this, but then you change plans and now the whole day is ruined. And you can feel that, you can hear that and your rational mind is like, no, no, everything's okay, it's all good. But you're using a rational mind to speak to something that is very irrational and emotional. Right? So you've got these kids that are like this, right? They have trouble connecting with peers. Well, that makes recess and lunchtime fun at school, right? Not to mention many of your kids dawdle. So what can you possibly do at home and school to help a child like this? That's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you need help, email our son, Casey. You know why? Because he was pretty much the kid that I just described. And we had about 1500 of these kids in our home over the course of a decade. So we kind of get them. But email Casey. C A s e y celebratecolm.com Tell us about your kids. Age of the kids, what are they struggling with? What do you struggle with? We get together as a family, we discuss it, we email you back, usually pretty quickly, and we try to give you very practical tools. So here is a very common set of questions we receive. Usually starts with this. Well, a lot of times the subject is usually we need help or at our wit's end, right? So it usually starts with these words we need help with our child. Doesn't even matter what age. It always starts like that. He's sensitive, overreacts, have trouble connecting with peers, doesn't lose games while at school. He responds well when we stay even, a matter of fact, like you say in your podcast. And he then he'll apologize after an incident if we give him space. I worry that teachers and other kids won't be patient or understanding, but the truth is I'm not very patient or calm at home. Sometimes it's painful seeing how much he takes his time doing things. So allow me to address the easy part of this. First, at school, ask teachers to ask your son to help them with a very specific mission or project during recess, preferably doing something he's just naturally good at doing and possibly doing something more grown up. Our kids love to feel helpful to other adults, just not you. They are very comfortable and good in the adult world. They're not always good at doing kid things. So we're setting this kid up for success. And if the teacher can partner your child with another kid who shares a common interest, because that's the best way to make friends is when you have a common interest, a common goal, that's a good way for your son to make one friend. And we just need him to make one friend, right? We don't need him to be Mr. Popular. One friend. He. And it helps eliminate the competition of playing games at recess. Makes them feel important, helpful. So let's get back to the real point of this podcast. For me, you've got a child who's frustrating. And this is my super nice response. I know how frustrating this can be. I'll validate that. Casey was the same exact way as a kid. And I bet that you, like me, like most of us, have things inside of you from childhood that get triggered by your child. So I want you to have compassion for yourself because we're all broken and we're all trying to figure this stuff out. Look, if you're pretty young, you don't even know why you're doing the stuff that you're doing, right? As you get a little bit older and you have kids, you start to figure out, oh, that's where that comes from. Now that I've said the nice thing, here's my honest response. Because I do care about your child and I care about your family. And you, you started this email by saying, we need help with our child, but that's not true. We don't need help for your child. We need help for you. Now, I don't do guilt or blame or fear based stuff. I'm not doing guilt. I'm not blaming you. I just ask all of us just to be honest with ourselves, right? And confront those fears, those patterns that you have developed over many years, maybe over decades. Because the truth is this. You must learn how to control yourself first before you can expect your child to be able to control himself. Before you can teach your child how to control himself, you have to learn how to control yourself. And I'm not trying to be jerky with this, but you said you are worried. Well, teachers and other kids won't be patient with your son. But you're not patient with your son, right? You use an impatient, frustrated. Some of us sometimes use a snotty tone that escalates situations. See, we pester our kids, right? When your child's moving slowly, what do we pester? Come on, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go. Which always results in kids moving more slowly because they know that they can't please you. They know that. Look, all of that, that's driven by our own anxiety. Come on, we got to go. And some of you have control issues. I have control issues. Everybody has control issues. We want things done a certain way. You know what? The right way is my way, because it's the way I've always done it. And if I've always done it this way. Then you need to do it that way. It's very normal. But it's also very counterproductive because look, when your kids, when you wake your kids up, come on, got to get up, got to go to school. Come on, let's move, let's move. Kids are not rejecting you. They're not rejecting your authority. They're rejecting your anxiety because it is impossible to please your anxiety. It compels you and you still always want more. Trust me. Look, those of you who are parents of middle schoolers and high schoolers, what they will eventually say is, it's never good enough for you. No matter what I do, I can't please you. And it's that anxiety that you have to get control of, right? Because my guess is that in your impatience, you talk too much and you lecture too much, which I consider provoking a child to anger. Right? And here's another thing, because there's these little comments that we all make. It's painful seeing how much he takes his time doing things. You haven't really accepted your child as he is. You're still focused on changing your son's very nature. Why? Because it irritates you. And I get that it's irritating. But the more honest email would say this, hey, Kirk, I've always struggled with being reactive and impatient, but I'm tired of how this affects relationships with the people I love most. And I'm finally ready to change. How can I go about doing that now? That would be refreshing. That will change your entire family dynamic, and it will do it much more quickly than trying to change your child. So a few points. One, kudos to you for being honest and admitting this is your issue. No blame, no guilt, just honest recognition. Right? The good part is this. You're the only person in life. You're the only person in your life that you can control. Trying to control other human beings just leaves you and them really, really frustrated. And it often causes them to resist your efforts. See how that cycle works? I don't like what I'm saying. I don't like your very nature. I'm going to try to change this this way. I've always done. It's my anxiety. I'm going to dump that on you. You're going to resist that. Oh, now I'm going to get even more anxious and get on you even more and more. I'm asking you, not the child, because you are the adult. You and I are the adults. I'm asking you to break the cycle. Right? Number two. The most long lasting change will come and this is really cool when your child sees you change right in front of his or her very eyes. If you ask Casey to this day what he remembers most from his growing up and about all of the Celebrate Calm stuff, he will say, I watched my dad change. I'm not bragging. I was horrible. I was terrible at this stuff, but I finally figured it out. But he will say, I watched my dad wrestle with this right. Your child will observe in living color your transformation and that includes when you mess up. It includes your honest apologies, right about taking ownership of your own behavior.

[Advertiser]

When we moved to our home, we were quoted a cost of over $20,000 for some trees and shrubs, but we just saved 90% with fast growing Tre and they helped us get the exact privacy and flowering trees and shrubs for our specific climate and it's delivered right to our door in days. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers, including us. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. Their alive and thrive guarantees ensures your plants arrive at happy and healthy. Plus get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the Code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15% off at fast growingtrees.com using the code CALM fast growingtrees.com Calm offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. So let's geek out together for a minute over Gut health because I'm really into this. I just learned that prebiotics are the food that help fuel the growth of healthy bacteria. The probiotics in in your gut. So you have to have both. And that's why AG1 helps my digestion, calms my stomach and keeps me regular. Look, I've loved my morning AG1 routine for years, long before AG1 became a wonderful partner to the podcast.

[Kirk Martin]

It's a quick, easy win because I.

[Advertiser]

Start my day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients.

[Kirk Martin]

I just don't have that stomach distress.

[Advertiser]

Anymore where that bloating, you know, that kind of interferes with your day and puts you on edge. Plus my weight is down.

[Kirk Martin]

I've got energy for this hiking season.

[Advertiser]

I'm drinking my Ag one right now while I'm recording this and I think you should as well. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, which I love, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to be kind to your gut.

[Kirk Martin]

And they'll observe your honesty in that. See, that's going to change your child more than anything else. And it's all within your control. Number three. Look, if we were doing phone consultations, which we don't need to do with this because you can do it on your own through the Calm Parenting package, right? I immediately, when you get those downloads, instantly open up 30 days to calm. And I would want, and this is my challenge to you, spend the next 30 days not trying to change anybody else, just changing yourself. Here's something we will do in that program and as you go through it, you can email me and I'll help you identify two common triggers, or just one, but identify two common triggers. What sets you off and begin to think. Some of you like to write things down. Journal. That's helpful, too. Why does that bother you so much? And then think about this. How do you typically respond or react when your child does that? Then how does your child react? Right? And write it down. Even like this. When I react out of frustration, my son gets defensive and says, what? Why are you so upset at me? And then it escalates from there. So here's one quick strategy you can learn among the 30 we're going to go through, right? To calm yourself, do the opposite. Do the opposite of what you normally do when you get triggered. See, right now, when you yell, lecture, react, express frustration, or push your son, you get the exact opposite response that you want. Your child, instead of moving more quickly, moves more slowly, right? They get more defensive, they get angry, they shut down. So why not try doing the exact opposite of what you normally do? Sit down instead of standing over your child. Be curious and ask questions instead of lecturing, bite your tongue and email me instead. Instead of going on and on repeating yourself, affirm your child for what he or she is already doing? Well, instead of constantly pointing out how they can improve, right? So my challenge to you is this. Are you ready to get control of your own anxiety, which compels you to lecture and hyper focus on everything you think your child's doing wrong? Are you ready to be free from your own perfectionism, your own control issues, which inadvertently trigger so many of the power struggles because you simply don't like the way your child does something. I can identify with that. I still. Casey is 29. I don't like the way he does lots of things. It irritates me because if you just listen to me, it'll be so much more productive and efficient and I would like it a lot more. But I want you to spend the month of March instead hyper focusing on changing you from the inside out. The end result of that, very few power struggles. I promise you, if we talked, I could go through 10 situations, I'd be like, you just triggered that power struggle.

[Advertiser]

You're triggering that power struggle.

[Kirk Martin]

I'm not denying that your kids are difficult. They are. But we trigger a lot of power struggles over things that don't matter, over things sometimes that are our own preferences. Right. And because of a lot of our childhood issues. Well, this is the way I've always done. It's the way I was raised and it's the way I'm going to do it. It's my way or the highway approach. We're just going to live with power struggles with everybody. Right? You get to change yourself from the inside out. You get to become a brand new person. I promise you this will impact. The beautiful thing is it impacts your daily life. You don't have to fix everyone and change everyone and get upset about the way that everybody does things because you're just focused on controlling yourself. And you know what the byproduct besides fewer power struggles, a better relationship with your kids, with your spouse, with yourself just on a daily basis, is this, instead of that anxiety ruling you and being and compelling you, you now have peace inside. You now are able to look out and help other people because look, your parents by nature you are giving people, you exist on earth now to help and love and, and train up this child so he or she becomes happy and successful in life. You're giving people. But this perfectionism, these control issues, this anxiety calls you to look inside all the time and try to fix everything else. And then you can't see clearly to help other people. So one of the most beautiful aspects of having a strong willed child is that they will trigger everything immature inside of you. And then if you deal with that, it liberates you to now enjoy people, enjoy your child again and look outward and it frees up all this space inside of you to go out into the world and help other people, encourage people. It's a wonderful thing. So if we can help you with that, let us know go to the website, celebrate calm.com. either get the Calm parenting package or the get everything package. Why? Because it has everything we can, we've ever made, and you'll learn how to do this. If you need help, reach out to caseyelebratecolm.com and we'd love to help you. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thank you for sharing it with others. Thank you for being open to letting me challenge you again. No blame, no guilt. Let's just make these changes. Okay? You ready? If you're ready, I'm ready. All right. Even if you're not ready, I'm ready. Because this is what I do. All right, Love you all. Bye.