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Success in school is just not important. For some kids, performance in school is not a predictor of life, success or happiness. I I am not saying that to be provocative. I believe it is absolutely true. Some of your kids are never going to like or do well in school no matter what you do. They are going to choose the harder path but they will still do well in life. And my purpose in this podcast is to help you prevent spending 18 years with needless pressure and stress and power struggles over something that doesn't really matter in the end. Because if you do this, you can ruin your relationship with your child. You can destroy your child's confidence by constantly reinforcing what society says, which is, hey, you have two jobs as a kid, get good grades and good behavior. And some of you have kids who will be over 2 on that count and it will destroy their confidence. And no matter what you do, it just won't work. And I want to save you countless hours of worrying and talking, laying in bed with your spouse, wondering, what are we going to do with this child? And I want to save you a lot of money on sending your kids to special schools or to get therapy or specialists in order to remedy this. Because sometimes you're trying to fix something that doesn't need to be fixed. And so I am going to address your legitimate concerns over this and give you an alternate plan and path for these kids who are just different. And remember, there's an opportunity cost to this because all that time we spend trying to get our kids to do well in school is time that we are not spent doing other things that are constructive. And I hope as well that this will fuel a discussion with your spouse about important topics. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our big fall sale@celebratecalm.com so a couple caveats. One, school and learning are different. You know, I'm not equating this with just saying like, oh, just let your kids be illiterate and not do math. Let them fail and just play video games all day. That's not what I'm saying. And we'll get into this. Learn. I want your kids to be curious and love to learn. But many of you have kids who are like that, but they just don't like school. Another caveat, if you have an academic child who just really likes school, or maybe a child who already knows, hey, I want to be a doctor, a teacher, an attorney, an engineer or something specific, that child will likely be self motivated to do well in school. So this doesn't apply to that child. I also this is not about giving up and saying they're never going to like it in school, so let's just forget it. No, I want to give kids tools to help them in school. Listen to episode 518 a couple weeks ago, September 14th on different ways to improve focus and executive function which will help them do better in school. This is also not a knock against teachers. It's just simply the fact that the system we have does not usually work well for our kids. Now, look, many of you have kids like ours. They're bright. They just don't care. They're bored in school. Some of your kids are late bloomers. Some of your kids kind of just see through it and they're like, school is bs. It's asking me to do all kinds of arbitrary things I will never have to do later in life. And they won't just play the game. Some of you knew that, that it was arbitrary, but you did it. You just played the game to get the piece of paper. But many of our kids, they're just not going to do it. Some of you have kids with ADHD or dyslexia or dysgraphia or something that makes school difficult, and so they just kind of opt out. Think about this. If you, or your spouse, or both of you are very academic, like if you have your master's degree or a PhD, or if you have a sibling, they have a sibling who's really into school, they will often opt out. They're not going to play on your playing field. You know why? Because they know they can never measure up to what their sibling or, or what you do and what you expect. And so you'll see strong will. Kids will excel elsewhere in a field of their choosing. That's why they choose different sports and different activities that you're not necessarily into, so that they can own it themselves. And one of the dangers we have in all of this is I don't want your kids to conflate their hatred of school with thinking, oh, I don't like to learn or I don't like to read. It's just a simple, a simple fact for many kids. I don't want to read what a teacher assigned me to read. It's not interesting, but I actually happen to love reading, just not about that. And I'm not saying any of this is good or bad or right or wrong. It's just reality. And this will repeatedly daily provoke your parental anxiety because you love your child, you want the best for them, and it would be so much easier if they were just good at school. And most teachers and society and your relatives will constantly reinforce and assert that school success is necessary for life success. And that is just not true. So let's jump into this and let's look and see why school is not a predictor of life success and why it's not necessary for life success. So Number one, I really encourage you to do this, and you can even do this with your child at some point. Get a sheet of paper out and draw a line down the middle on the left hand side. I want you to write down this. What are all of the skills and traits necessary for success in school? And on the right side of that piece of paper, what are the traits and skills necessary for success in life? There will be some overlap, right? Like the ability, like self discipline, conscientiousness. Those are required in both. But think about this and you make your own list. Success in school is largely based on the ability to sit still, to memorize information, usually information you're not going to use in life to take a timed test. We rarely have to do those things in the corporate world and after we graduate. Success in school is based on following directions. Most of your kids, not great at following directions, but really good at problem solving and being leaders. Success in school is based on completing largely arbitrary tasks for your kids socially. What do we do? We group kids in every grade by their own age, and your kids are not. Your kids have something called asynchronous development. They're often really good with little kids, older people and animals, but not kids their own age. And that will cause them to shut down. Success in school is based on largely writing essays about things that you don't care about. But think about success in life. It's not just sitting still. We want people who are proactive, who do well in a dynamic environment, who have a lot of energy memorizing information in school. No, I want to hire someone with good critical thinking skills and strategic thinking skills. Not someone who can just regurgitate information back to me, but who, when presented with a problem, is able to think through it, assess alternatives, weigh risks, problem solve and make decisions. Decisions. See, I don't have to pay someone a lot of money just to follow directions. Oh, but I will pay them if they're a good thinker and they can make decisions and lead other people. And the real world helps or rewards people who can prioritize, who take risks. And your kids when they get out of school, you have to get along with kids of all ages and your kids will gravitate towards that mentor. And you don't write things about things about that you don't care about. You choose a career and industry that matches your skills. So the point is this. Judging a child's future success by arbitrary standards in school is just not smart to do. It's kind of foolish. And why would we spend all of our time rewarding kids and grading kids on skills that in many ways they will not use later in life. Life. I will throw this out there and it's not a knock on teachers, but know this. Teachers, the people teaching your kids are good people. And there's no but here. But think about what they have done their whole lives. Teachers, many of them that I know, they're wonderful people. When they were kids, they knew they wanted to teach. They would line up dolls after school and they would teach the dolls. And then they went to school for 12 years and then they went on into college and then they went on to get their master's degree. So guess what? They know doing well in school has brought me success in life. It's kind of all they've ever known is a classroom, for the most part. And your kids are not always great at kid stuff. They're better in the adult world. The kid world is very arbitrary. And we're not raising kids to be kids. We're raising our kids to be adults. So here's another objection. Well, if you don't do well in school, if our kids don't do well in school, their path is going to be harder. 100% true. But think about this. Since when has your strong will child cared about or chosen the easy path? They don't. If they wanted to be like everybody else and take the normal, safe path, they could do it. They're bright enough to do it and they would do it. And. But they don't want to. They prefer to learn the hard way by fixing things, by figuring out themselves by touching the hot stove. I'll ask you this question. Why is harder bad? Why is it bad to do with the harder way? You know this with your kids. They have to reject what you want first before they own it themselves. They will often choose the harsher consequence over just complying and doing something simple for you. Why? They like the challenge. They like doing it a unique way and doing it differently. So yes, it is going to be a harder path for them, but I suspect that will be harder for you than it will be for them because you're going to see them struggle. And you will want to say inside, I told you, you know, if you would just do it the normal way, it would be so much easier. But this isn't about you, about them. Now here's another question. Well, if you do well in school, it will open up doors of opportunity you wouldn't otherwise get. No one really understands how many details you as moms and dads have to manage every single day. That mental load can be exhausting. With Skylake Calendar you can relax knowing all the details of your family schedule are visually displayed in one place where with different colors for each family member, that brings peace of mind knowing there will be no more last minute surprises that often trigger your kids. Skylight Calendar seamlessly syncs all of your calendars. You can manage events, chores, even grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app and that means less stress. Try it for 120 days and if you're not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to myskylight.com parenting that's myskylight.com parenting for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. My s K-Y-L-I g h-t.com parenting like a lot of young couples, our son and daughter in law both work multiple jobs and long hours. They love Hungerroot because it eliminates having to decide what to dinner and then making that stop at the grocery store when they're both tired and hungry. Hungry root eliminates stress and it eliminates settling for expensive carryout and replaces that with healthy, delicious meals that only take minutes to prepare. Casey's more of a bison with tzatziki sauce or juicy chicken and rosemary potatoes guy, while our daughter in law loves the sesame ginger stir fry and cauliflower linguine. Plus you can find smoothies, kids snacks, salad kits, and ready to eat meals that even picky kids love. We love Hungerroot. So go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box. That's hungryroot.com Calm code calm. That is another true statement. But how many of you have kids who don't even use the open door? They don't want the open door. They're going to sneak in through a window. They're going to bust down a door. They're going to come down like through the fireplace like Santa Claus. This will make it harder for them, but that's part of the plan. So here's another one. Well, if you don't do well in school, you won't get into the right college or preferred university. And what this tells you though is this. If your kids really cared enough to get into that university, they would Study, they would put in the time, but they don't care right now. And I would say as an aside, there is no right college. So I think it's up to us as adults to relieve some of the pressure on our kids because we didn't all have that pressure. We tell, well, if you, you have to go to this particular College, well, for 95% of people that is just not true. And the truth is, if they don't go to this preferred college, it may lead them to considering a college that they hadn't even thought of before. And how do we know that that's not the right college? Many of you are going to have kids in their junior year self sabotage. So just watch that because you're going to be like, hey, you need to sign up for the acts, the SATs. They'll say, okay, I'm going to fill out the paperwork and I'm going to fill out my college applications. And then they don't. And what they're afraid to tell you is, I'm not ready yet. I'm not mature enough. I need some time. And so I would take off that pressure. By the way, they probably won't want to go to your alma mater. Why? Because then they have to compare to you all the time with what you did there. So just watch. For many of our kids, it would be better if they were the bigger fish in a smaller pond than being kind of like the top student in a smaller school versus being kind of a small fish in that big prestigious university. So just think about that a little bit. And I encourage you to tell your kids the truth, that it doesn't really matter what college you go to. Yes, some colleges are preferable, some schools you'll make better connections. But you know what? If you go to that different university, you may have to get out and work harder and use your street smarts. And that's a really valuable lesson. Now here's a tough one we get. Well, if you don't get good grades, you're going to miss out on the scholarship. That is very true. And that will make it a lot harder. You know what else it will do? It will force your child to be resourceful. Maybe they have to live at home and they get a job and they go to a community college for a couple years. And you know what would happen that could lead to them developing new skills and be a valuable life lesson for later. So I get it. These things are going to cause you anxiety. But this is short term. Just because you don't go to the right college or get a scholarship doesn't mean it's going to ruin your life. And it doesn't mean it has any anything to do with your future life, success or happiness. Now here's a great one. Hear a lot of guys say this one. Well, doing well in school, developing good study skills is how you develop self discipline. And again, that is a true statement. But here's the caveat. It's not the only way to develop self discipline, it's just how you did it. And your kids aren't interested in in the things that you are. But here's what you're really after. You want your kids to demonstrate persistence, to be goal oriented, to be conscientious. And they do that. They just do it in other areas of life, not school, not with their chores. So don't discount that and don't walk around saying, well, you develop discipline by doing well in school. No, you can develop self discipline by dance. Our son learn how to fly airplanes. You can do it by building robots, by. There are all kinds of different ways to do that. I'll encourage you with this. Just got an email from two parents. They said, hey, we are type A parents. We had this plan for our son how he was going to do school and do everything and he just didn't do it that way. And we nearly destroyed our relationship with him. He said, we just went through your no BS program and I encourage you to do that. It's part of the calm parenting bundle. And the most powerful part of that for us and for our son was when we released him to be who he is. We apologized for trying to force him to go down the path we did and that we wanted him to do. And we released him to be who he is and follow his path. And it started to change everything. It's like it released him to do well because it wasn't about us anymore. I love that. Now here's what's going to happen with some of your kids. They're very bright. They will do the bare minimum just to get by. They will barely scrape by if they need a 74.2 on an exam just to keep a B average so they can keep their screens. Guess what they're going to get on that test? 74.2. And inside you're going to be like, why would you not apply yourself? You could get all A's if you could because they don't value it. Some of these kids will need a gap year. They'll need to go to community college. And what we're really after here is we have to spark that internal motivation inside of them. And I promise I'm going to do that in the next episode that goes along with this one. So here's kind of the most common worst case scenario that most parents will experience. Your child has never liked school, they will never like school. And at age 15 or 16, they want to drop out and get their GED. And I've seen a lot of kids do this and here's how it works. They get their ged, they go and they work a job because many of your kids are fantastic for other adults, they're just not that great for you. And they're actually very conscientious and disciplined when they work for other people. And along the way working for other people, they'll find a mentor and they'll find their path and they will end up maybe going to community college, but finding their path and then they're like, now I know what I want to do. And that is way more preferable than a kid just going, just going right to school into college, doesn't know what he or she wants to do. And now you've got them on a five or six year plan. Now here's the thing. If your kids do drop out, it doesn't mean they get to sit around home all day playing video games. No, you have to have boundaries and rules. Of course, right? Like it's going to, hey, you're going to work 40 hours a week at least, you're going to pay certain expenses and a little bit of rent to us. And what happens with a lot of these kids is they grow up during that time and they discover what their passion is and they end up going to community college and then transferring to a regular university. How many of you know this? If your kids were motivated, they could turn it on overnight. Think about this. Your kids who have never liked school, if they decided to tomorrow, they could catch up because they're smart enough to do it and they could hyper focus and they could do it the way they want to do it. And also know this, so many of our kids are going to struggle early in their ad adult lives and that's part of the process that they need to go to. And you know what they discover is they have street smarts. They realize they have to hustle a little harder, that they have to learn how to influence people. And your kids, all those things they've done earlier in life, all that arguing with you, and I'm going to go through this in the next episode plays out Here because you look at them, you're like, how did you make that happen? How did you figure that out? Because it's foreign to you. You may have played by the rules your whole life and done what was expected and taking the normal path, but our kids will figure it out. So how can we motivate our strong willed kids internally? What should we prioritize? Because I want to prepare them for real life success and impart them with confidence inside. So I want you to really wrestle. So we're going to cover that on the next episode for the next few days and maybe for the next few years for you. Wrestle with these ideas that I brought up and consider doing what that family did, that did the no BS program of like, hey, we're going to release our child to follow their path. And I promise when you release them, it changes something. And it's also being honest to let them know, look, you can be wildly successful in life and here's are all the different ways you can do that. My heart in this is I want to save you from day after day after day after day worrying and lecturing and getting on your child and creating all this stress. Because here's what we're going to get to next time. There is a huge opportunity cost. All that time that we spent fighting and trying to convince our kids that they need to go down X path, guess what we're not doing. We're not building their confidence. We're not cultivating their natural gifts, talents and passions. That's what we need to be working on. So moms and dads, I'm proud of you. This is hard stuff. You have one of these kids and it is hard for them, it is hard for you. But you're doing the hard work inside. Wrestle with this. Tune in on the next episode and I'll give you a game plan for this if we can help you. Reach out to Casey C A S E Y at celebratecalm. Com. He has lived this himself. He knows if you need help financially with the programs, ask him for help. We'll help you out. All right, Love you all. Talk to you next time. Bye bye.