← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
So what do you do when your kids melt down, whine or complain when you just tell them turn off their screens? What about kids who work around parental controls or won't comply with your rules? How can we compete against that dopamine rush that your kids get from playing video games? What if our child is addicted to screen usage? How do we keep our kids safe online? And at what age should we allow screens in the first place? Well, that is what we're going to discuss on today's Q and A episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin found, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com where we have our big sale going on for Black Friday. So I posted on Instagram and asked what you were struggling with most. And look, I really appreciate everybody you take your time to respond. You shared such great questions and I tried to pick the top questions that would enable me to cover the most ground in about 25 minutes. And I'll try to get to the other questions on future podcast. Look, this is my fifth attempt recording this and I don't re record for edits or mistakes, I just keep them in perfect. But something kept bothering me and I didn't like the tone. I didn't like how it kind of felt. It felt like something was missing. And then it finally hit me. Dealing with screens is no different than any other parenting issue. Like defiance, disrespect, getting kids to listen, doing their schoolwork. The foremost key is always connection. Relationships change behavior. Look, if you've got a child who doesn't feel good about himself or maybe doesn't get along that well with peers, well, that child is probably going to seek screens as an escape. Let's say a child doesn't have a good relationship with, say, their father. Well, they'll probably disappear into screens with some measure of anger. And so these things are fairly normal. And so I want you to focus on that connection. The other thing it always comes down to is this. I want you to learn how to be the trusted leader who handles tough situations with no drama, who keeps his or her word, who is constantly teaching and modeling self control. These are the same traits we work on for every issue. So I'm going to try to give you scripts, very specific strategies, but don't miss those larger points. Okay, first question. At what age should we begin giving our kids access to screens? My answer is one word. Wait. Just wait. Wait. Another six months, another year, another two. You've made it this far. There's no reason to open Pandora's box. So wait. I really want you as parents, no matter what decision you're making, I want you to do it on your terms. I don't want you to give in to peer pressure. I want you to do what you want to do, not what other parents are doing. And I can tell you, you will never regret waiting longer to give your kids access to screens and smartphones. You're never going to when they're older, say, man, I really wish I would have done that sooner. So be patient with it. You know what's best for your child and your family. So wait, Resist. Find alternatives. Your kids will learn how to entertain themselves and use their imaginations when there's no alternative, just like we did as kids. You're not being mean or a bad parent. You're just being a responsible parent. And I want you to get accustomed to the fact that your kids are going to be unhappy with your choices. That's just going to happen hundreds of times, and it's kind of what you signed up for when you became a parent. For those of you with older kids, your child's first phone doesn't need to be a smartphone. Look, their first car isn't going to be a Ferrari. So a flip phone or watches come with fewer risks that still allow your kids to contact you in an emergency. But then they're not exposed to all the dangers. So look, wait. Before giving your kids access to social media while they're going through puberty, it's just not worth it. So say no. No. They will be upset. And know that one day they will thank you for protecting them from themselves. Okay, really good question. How can we possibly compete with that dopamine hit that your kids get from playing video games and being on their screens? And we've talked a lot about how your kids, especially strong willed, neurodivergent kids, crave brain stimulation and intense emotional engagement. So imagine how screens kind of like light up their brains. So here are some different options. Look, the greatest dopamine hit is connection with your kids. Intense connection, even for three or five or 10 minutes, when you are engrossed in something they're passionate about is very powerful. And I know moms and dads, you're exhausted, and our kids can be exhausting. I get that. But practice getting down on the floor, admiring their creation. Whatever they made or built, ask questions about it. Be curious about how they built it, even if you don't care. And I know that will offend some of you, but the truth is, I didn't always really care about what Casey was interested in, but I asked him questions because that demonstrates interest with a teenager. Be curious about the music that they are interested in that you hate. Be curious about their seemingly inane stories they tell about their friends. And I know the whole time, like, normal parents were like, yeah, got it, got it, got it. But did you get your schoolwork done? Are you studying for that test? What about this? I get that, but be curious about it. Affirm them. Look, I used to go to weekend car shows and car dealerships endlessly with Casey. Why? Because that's what he was passionate about. Okay, Another idea, Just go. Go cold turkey. Just lose that Xbox somehow. Lose the remote. Say that YouTube is no longer working. Whatever you want to do, that is your choice. Your kids will eventually revert back to playing games they used to when there is no alternative. Now, they're going to fight you over this for a while, so be prepared. But you have that option, especially with younger kids. Say, you know what? This got out of hand. Let's just take a break from this. Now. Here's a tough question. And you know, I don't do blame or guilt for parents, but I do need to ask tough questions. If you don't want your kids on screens, are you willing to allow your kids to make messes, to be loud, to break stuff like windows? Because that's what kids do when they're not on screens, they're loud, they make messes, they get into stuff, they break things. Do you sometimes prefer the quiet order that comes with screens versus allowing kids to get into things to be loud and to kind of romp around? You've got to ask that. Honestly, when your kids ask, hey, can we do X or Y? Say yes as often as you can. Even if it means they'll make a mess or take too long or go to bed late, or if they're just inconvenient, let them make forts and track in a little mud, even play in the mud. Let them play in puddles. And do kids stuff that sometimes we as parents, we just get too rigid. And I'm just like that. I'm like, no. Why do you have to do that? Because it inconveniences me. Now here's one that's I think extremely important and I think it's a really good tool. When giving your kids ideas or invitations to do activities, be very specific and give them some ownership. Because we'll often say, hey guys, do you want to go ride bikes? And they're like, no, not really. It's too vague. And your kids often want context. Plus, strong willed kids are purposeful. Kids got to be a purpose. So maybe you say something like this instead. Hey, I was going to pack up some snacks. Why don't we ride our bikes over to where they're building those new homes or buildings and we can watch all the excavators and dump trucks and we'll eat a snack while we're watching. So see, that's specific, it's concrete. It's something your kids are interested in. You could ask them to come up with, hey, what route do you want to ride on to get there? And maybe they want to ride through the woods, through a stream. That's something that's not efficient as you would, you know, have it, have them do. Let them be annoying to your rigid nature. I'm right there with you on that. It's like, no, that's not the way that you do it. We just take this path and that's how you let them own it sometime. Let them be kids. And here's why I like it. It's specific. There's an objective, there's an endpoint, there's a reward, the snack. Let them pick out the snacks and you've painted a visual. Plus you gave them some ownership over how they did the activity. Right? It's like when you ask your kids, hey guys, you want to do a science experiment? I don't know. Maybe. Hey, why don't we make a volcano that explodes? What color do you want the lava to be? See, there's some specificity. Hey, I'll get the vinegar and baking soda. You get X and Y. Let your kids do science experiments and make messes. All of this implies that you simplify your life and cut out other stuff. Sometimes that means you just eat snacks for dinner, that you don't do homework, which is perfectly fine. You could not do homework the rest of their childhood and they'll still turn out great. And you're not doing all those things because you're doing other interesting stuff. Let your kids do stimulating activities with some measure of risk. And I know some of you struggle with this. I get a lot of emails from, like, moms who are like, I was an only child or I didn't have brothers. Well, I grew up with three brothers. Our whole childhood was just doing stupid stuff where we could get hurt. We did mischievous stuff. So look, building a ramp for their skateboard or scooter or bike. I know. You're like, I know, but they could get hurt. That's part of childhood. And climbing trees, doing something mischievous, that's stimulating for the brain. Want to know what else provides a great dopamine hit? You're not going to like this. Siblings roughhousing with each other. I've done this on a recent podcast. You have to be comfortable with your kids wrestling, making lots of noise, grunting, yelling and crying. As long as it's mutual roughhousing, right? Not one picking on the other. Roughhousing is extremely helpful. It's actually necessary for your child's developing brain. It's just going to be annoying. It is. Kids yelling in the house is annoying. So use your noise canceling headphones or turn on some music or have them go outside in roughhouse. But that will get them off screens. Look, I get it. I do. We sometimes revert to screens because it keeps kids occupied, happy and quiet. And that makes sense to me. And if you have a neurodivergent kid who calms down for an hour while you have some time just to complete some tasks and get stuff done, you shouldn't feel guilty for that. We just don't want that to be for hour after hour every day. Now here's another one that may make you uncomfortable, but you're simply going to have to lead. We had all these camp kids come to our home and I take them outside and. And they would whine and complain. This is Boring. This is stupid. I don't want to do it. It's too hot. It's too cold. And I would just keep walking. And we walk into woods and they discover something they could climb under, build or throw. Lead your kids, don't try to convince them that what you want to do is fun. Just lead. Now, I know not everybody can or will do this, but I was actually very involved with Casey and his friends. Even in the middle school, I was always kind of good with kids. And so we play war games in the neighborhood. We'd play flashlight tag. We'd be a little bit mischievous in the neighborhood. And then we go for pizza at the local ice rink where they would skate and try unsuccessfully to meet girls. But there was some dopamine rush to all of those things that we were doing. Look, get your little entrepreneurs running their own little business in the neighborhood, walking dogs, doing the lemonade stand, refurbishing computers for gaming. Get those kids with big hearts energized, raising money for a charity or doing service projects like serving the homeless or visiting animals at the shelter, because your kids are good at that. You know, a good one. Let your kids do adult type jobs. Some of your kids would volunteer with those charities or political campaign, right? They could be your homes. They could be a chef a couple nights a week in your home, the landscaper, to earn money. These kids are often old souls, so get them helping elderly neighbors. Your kids are great with other adults. And how cool is that to go down the street and help someone and that other adult is like, man, you are such a good helper. What are you going to do with your life? That also that connection and feeling like I have something to give and offer other people, man, that's a dopamine hit number three. Look, there's hundreds of other ideas, by the way, for those things. Just be creative, get out of your comfort zone and let your kids kind of just be kids like we were. Number three. What do we do? We think our son is addicted to his phone and screens. So here's the conversation I would have. Look, I need to apologize because I gave into peer pressure and I placed in your hands a device that is addictive before you were ready for this. And what has happened is it has changed your moods, it has changed our relationship. We fight all the time. And you don't even have to add the fact of you're distracted, you're not being active anymore, your grades are slipping. So look, I'm going to take away your phone for a period of time. You get to choose what that is. Could be a month, three months, six months so we can reset our home. And I get it, you're going to be mad at me and that's okay. Now if your child handles that well, that'll be a real surprise. Bravo, right? Enjoy it. But your child is likely going to freak out and that merely confirms that you needed to do this in the first place. It is a sign that they are addicted or have this reliance on screams and it will be ugly and it could be really ugly for two or three weeks. But I promise if you stick with it through that withdrawal period because it is a withdrawal, they are hooked on this, you will usually find that you get your child back. So in addition to that kind of conversation, we have to fill in when you take things away. Always replace it with something that meets the same needs. So Mrs. Calm told me yesterday I wish I.
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Mrs. Calm
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- [18:07]
Kirk Martin
It's an easy, healthy daily routine.
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Kirk Martin
Okay, this is a really common one. What do you do when your kids won't comply? Work around your parental settings or have meltdowns where you tell them to turn off their screens? Look, I believe the most compassionate thing you can do for your kids with screens is is to set very crystal clear expectations from the outset and be consistent in enforcing them. This is one area of life where I am actually rigid in setting those and enforcing them. Look, screen usage is a privilege granted by you. It's not yet a constitutional right for kids. And you know, I'm endlessly patient with our kids quirks. I try to get to the root of issues and I try to be understanding. But when it comes to these things, I'm ruthlessly rigid and consistent. Because what we decided early on was we're not going to engage in this constant drama. No matter how much drama the kids create. We decided we weren't going to play those endless games as back and forth of like hey, you lost your screens. And then they're going to be like can I have them back yet? Can I have back that? When do I get them back? I'm not doing that constant arguing and negotiating over this. So provide clarity, be matter of fact, whatever you want the rules to be. No screens at the dinner table ever. Well then just live that out. It's your home. Stop letting children dictate the parameters of your life in this area. Hey guys, I do this with younger kids. You have 45 minutes to play your video games. I will remind you five minutes before you have to turn them off. But when I walk in the room and tell you time is up, it's up. If I hear you whine, complain, try to negotiate or get upset or say, I just need to say, hold on. That will tell me you are not ready for screens and you will choose to lose your video games for three days. I don't care what your time limit is. I simply refuse to do all that drama. It gets so many emails. Well, my kids don't. Well then stop it. Stop it. You don't have to play that game. They will eventually learn. Oh my mom did that the last eight times. Maybe I need to learn to turn it off after 45 minutes. There's nothing about this that is mean. That is harsh at all. What is mean is when we get personal. I can't believe you guys never listen to me. How are you ever going to be successful in life if you can't follow direct all those things? That's mean and hurtful. This is just being honest. Here's a common one. Well, our kids are smarter than us with technology, and they work around the parental controls. And my response is, please, just be the adult here. If my kids did that, they would have nothing to have parental controls on. Seriously? That's not how life works. I'm not a victim here. As the parent, I'm the leader. If they work around my controls, all of their devices are gone. Period. No drama. I have the ultimate parental control confiscation service turned off. No lecturing, no drama. Right. And what I would encourage you to do, if they're that good at technology, I'd rather them spend their time learning how to code, learning practical applications with a mentor. Put that energy into something constructive and productive. Rather than just working their way around your controls. I want them to have a bigger challenge. My daughter changed the passwords on her phone and laptop. Well, good. Walk into her room, hand her a slip of paper with the passwords that you want, you want written on the paper. Hey. I expect these passwords to be back on your phone and laptop by 6pm and then you walk out of the room. And if she doesn't comply, the phone and laptop are mine now. Why is that hard? Your child will create drama. You don't have to participate in it and have endless discussions. My son won't turn in his phone at 9pm why does he still have service on his phone? Stop being bullied by your kids in these areas. Take decisive action and keep your promises. Okay, good question. How can I get my kids to understand my lessons about screens? My lectures don't seem to be working. Well, you know, if you've listened to our stuff, lectures never work with these kids. So I want to share a couple important things I did with Casey that had a big impact. I remember it was, I believe it was a Saturday morning. We got up, we were driving somewhere as a family, and Casey had said, dad, what's wrong today? And I said, you know what? Truth is, I knew I should have gone to bed last night about 11pm But I just scrolled for like two hours. And I wasted all this time. And then you Know how it is. You kind of beat yourself up because you're going to bed late. And I knew that I was going to be tired the next day. And now here I am kind of beating myself up because I can't be as present with you and in good mood as I wanted to. And I apologize for that. And so I was vulnerable. Look, I was raised to be kind of like fear and intimidation. I'm the authority figure. I just lay down the law all the time. And so being vulnerable about how I struggled with screens was really hard for me at first. But you know what happened? It led to fantastic conversations because then what Casey would say, like, yeah, I've done that. Sometimes, man, you get on Instagram, you start strolling on TikTok. Your kids who do that, I guarantee you, they beat themselves up a little bit afterwards. Like, I just wasted three hours of my life on stuff that didn't matter. So then what happened was that led to us having honest conversations and problem solving. And I would ask them things like, okay, so, you know, I'm kind of hooked with, so what can I do? Well, dad, why don't you do this every night between 5 and 7pm you just don't check your phone. And so I did that because I wanted to model. Hey, when you get in the car, instead of checking your phone at every stoplight, because I can see you're kind of praying for a stoplight so you can check, check your phone. Why don't you put your phone in the center console so you're not tempted to do that? See, I'm teaching impulse control by modeling it, and I've been through that in other podcasts. But teaching impulse control and delayed gratification with screenshots, incredibly important. Here's another thing. Connect with your kids over screens so you can get to the root of some of this. I began taking an active interest in the games that Casey played. Even though I hated them. I didn't understand them, but this is their language. It's their passion. So I go in sometimes and I'd watch Casey play. I used to play call of Duty 2, and I'd be curious about what he was doing, why he liked it. And that actually gave me a lot of insight into his brain and what needs these games were playing. Think about it. Consistency. He liked the consistency of knowing what to expect every time he turned a game on. There's not a mom video game and a dad video game with different rules, with kids who have very busy brains, where life, where school feels out of their control. Having something they're in control of feels really good. There was also the challenge of it, the brain stimulation. It was an avenue for him to use his critical and strategic thinking skills. Connection with other kids, not the way I want them to do it, but it was an easy way for him to connect with other kids online. Now, here was the big insight. My son was actually really good at video games. He experienced success when he played call of Duty 2. And that's really important for kids who don't always experience success with school, with sports, with behavior or friendships. See, playing video games was one of the few areas in life in which our son was competent and confident. See, competence breeds confidence. You're not confident because someone tells you you're amazing. Confidence comes from knowing you're really good at something, that you have mastery over something. And he was good at this. Well, did that mean I just let him gorge on it because he was good at it? No, but it's an important insight. Next week, I'm recording two podcasts on stopping sibling fights, on getting kids to stop lying. But you know what it's really about? It's about building your child's confidence. So that's important. Okay. How do we keep our kids safe online? I would encourage you to think of it as teaching your kids how to ride their bike. At first, you use training wheels so your kids can get accustomed to the feeling of riding the bike without hurting themselves. And your ultimate goal is to teach them to be responsible themselves and build trust so you can give them more independence. But at first, you have to have access to your kids devices and their passwords. Right? You probably don't allow your child to have a lock on their bedroom door for safety reasons, because if a safety issue were to come up with your child, you'd need that access right away. And I'd make it clear from the beginning that you will occasionally check on their phone usage and your kids will complain about privacy. And this is a really critical point. Your child needs to understand there is nothing about their online behavior that is ever private. Whatever they say can be shared with the world. And they should probably assume it will be typing something to someone online. It's not like writing in a diary. It may feel private, but it's not private. And when kids don't understand this, they get into difficult social situations with their peers. And they become vulnerable to online extortion and even sextortion, which too many kids fall into, and it's devastating. Every day we get emails from parents whose kids are being exposed to explicit Content and images. We work with families whose kids have received naked images on their phone from friends or strangers, and then they've been expelled from school. And I know you hate feeling like you're spying on your kids. Now, the really cool thing that we didn't have back in the day is that every day new apps are coming out that actually help us as parents with this. I'm going to give you a really cool example that I like. Because I asked about screens on Instagram, several people immediately said, hey, check out Bright Canary, this app. So I began asking some of our friends who've got kids from six all the way up through the teenage years, hey, what do you guys use? And I kept hearing Bright Canary. So I actually reached out to the company. Here's what Bright Canary does. It's an app that uses AI to scan a child's views and messages and even group chats and deleted texts. And what they do is they detect inappropriate images and concerning content, anything to do with drugs, bullying, self harm. And a really fantastic innovation is that with something like Bright Canary, you don't have to have software installed on your child's phone. So see, that makes setup really simple for non tech savvy people like me. And it works on Apple devices, unlike a lot of other apps. So here's the thing, there are 6 billion strangers on the other side of your child's phone. Bright Canary provides summaries of your child's communication. It's kind of like a safety net. And then if you see something concerning, you can dig into it even further. And what I love is that you can actually access your child's interactions from your own phone. Now there are serious ramifications with safety. So take advantage of those new apps like the Bright Canary. You can stay involved, stay connected, stay informed without having to look over their shoulder. I'll link to the Bright Canary app in the show notes. But what you'll notice throughout these tough issues is this. The answers always come back. Building a close, trusting relationship, connecting with your kids, giving them tools to be successful. See, just saying like you shouldn't be on screens, just get off screens. Well, whenever I say no to something inappropriate, I always say yes to something appropriate. Using this to teach them how their brains work. Because they will probably struggle with screens the rest of their lives like most of us do. And I want them to know, well, that's pretty normal because your brain seeks a lot of stimulation, especially with our neurodivergent kids. And so you'll always have a choice between going down kind of a negative path or learning how to stimulate your own brain in a positive way. And I want you to continue to learn how to be the trusted leader who doesn't do drama. I want you to keep your word so your kids can trust you and count on you. And I want you to constantly teach and model self control because, look, these are the same traits we're working on for every issue. Okay, moms and dads, let's make the changes we need to make. I encourage you. You know what you need to do. I hope in this one podcast, I've given you a few tools to make some of these changes. If you want, we have 35 more hours of instruction in all different areas, including a screens program that you can do. It's on sale on the Black Friday sale. Celebrate palm.com. if you need help financially, reach out to Kasey. We help everybody. Okay, so let's make some of these changes, even if we do them little by little. I'm sorry this went a little bit longer than the normal podcast, but I was trying to think, like, do I want to cut anything out? But I didn't. So I really do try to respect your time, but I try to fit in a lot of content each week for you. All right, love you all. Respect you all. And the next two podcasts are going to be fantastic about building your child's confidence, which is the root of a lot of issues with lying, with not taking ownership of their behavior, sibling fights. So watch. For those coming up, please share the podcast. All right, talk to you later. Bye.