Calm Parenting Podcast #555: Scripts For Kids Who Talk Back, Lash Out, Won’t Listen, Refuse to Move No Matter Your Consequence?

Host: Kirk Martin
Date: January 21, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, parenting coach Kirk Martin dives into real-life, practical “scripts” and strategies for responding to strong-willed kids who talk back, refuse to listen, lash out, or dig in their heels regardless of consequences. With his signature humor and honest, matter-of-fact tone, Kirk reviews three major parenting styles—authoritarian, overly permissive, and calm authoritative leadership—and illustrates how each would handle typical power struggle situations. The ultimate aim: building connection, teaching kids self-regulation, and taking the sting out of defiance.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Three Parenting Styles (02:40–05:25)

• Authoritarian (“My way or the highway”):

  • Shuts down behavior quickly but damages the parent-child relationship and can cause long-term emotional consequences.
  • Quote: “Sometimes the goal of the old-school approach was to send the child to their room and just shut this behavior down. And it did achieve its goal... But sometimes that came at a great cost.” (04:00, Kirk Martin)

• Overly Permissive/Sweet:

  • Over-empathizes and excuses disrespectful talk; can be confusing and condescending for strong-willed kids.
  • Quote: “Your strong-willed child is thinking, well, I just did. It’s kind of too syrupy sweet… Sometimes those like, ‘Well, that hurts mommy’s feelings…’” (06:15, Kirk Martin)

• Calm, Authoritative Leadership (the recommended style):

  • Sets firm boundaries while seeking connection, insight, and skill-building.
  • Offers a spectrum—can be tough, decisive, or soft and supportive, depending on context.

Real-Life Situation 1: Responding to Talking Back & Attitude (06:50–15:10)

Authoritarian Script:

• “You can’t talk to your father like that. Go to your room.”
  • Stops backtalk, but at a relational cost—kids may feel abandoned or unable to express themselves.

Permissive Script:

• “Well, that hurts mommy’s feelings. We don’t use those words here.”
  • Can feel insincere, children may manipulate or ignore, leads to feeling “walked all over.”

Calm, Authoritative Script (Tough Version):

• “I don’t know where you got the idea it would ever be okay to talk to me that way, but it’s not and it never will be. If you think you can talk like that and have people do nice things for you, you’re mistaken. That stops now.” (09:20)
  • State the boundary matter-of-factly, walk away to give space, then reconnect later with an invitation (e.g., for a walk or drive) to allow for resolution.

Calm, Authoritative Script (Empathetic Version):

• “You know, that’s just not going to work for you, son.” (14:12, Kirk Martin)
  • “I’ve noticed a pattern… Usually when you’re frustrated, anxious, or hungry, that tone comes out… If you want to grab some chips, I’ll meet you in the basement and help with what you’re struggling with.” (15:00, Kirk Martin)
  • Teach what’s really going on, invite connection instead of isolation, focus on growth.

Memorable Quote:

• “I’m inviting him to be with me and have the uncomfortable conversation. So I’m teaching him how to deal with conflict, right? And that is something our parents were not capable of. So they just shut us down.” (15:40, Kirk Martin)

Special Case: Split-Custody/Divorce Scenarios (12:11–13:25)

• Challenge: Anger at a parent, acting out (e.g., son taking out anger on mom after divorce).
• Recommended Script:
  • “Hey, I know you’re mad at me for leaving your dad. One of the reasons I left is to show you it is never acceptable to treat another person like this and say demeaning things. I’m happy to listen to your frustration… But this is never an option.” (12:54)
  • Set boundary, offer a relationship, and suggest a break if needed while upholding expectations for respect.

Real-Life Situation 2: Anxious, Non-Compliant Kids and New Situations (22:00–36:00)

Understanding the Root Causes:

• Kids refusing transitions often stems from anxiety, not just defiance.
• Many kids, especially those with “busy brains” or sensory needs, resist when they feel out of control; unknowns trigger anxiety.
  • Quote: “Unknowns trigger anxiety. It’s why little things going wrong trigger meltdowns, why they cheat and quit and change rules at games.” (24:00, Kirk Martin)

How Authoritarian Styles Fail:

• “You get your butt in the car right now or I’ll tan your behind.”
  • Gets compliance, but at the cost of trust and teaching coping skills.

Overly Permissive Pitfalls:

• “Oh, honey, I can tell you’re really upset, would you like to talk about it?”
  • Children may manipulate via feelings, conversation never moves to practical action.

Calm, Authoritative Approach:

• Acknowledge & Normalize:

  • “Is your stomach a little bit upset? Of course it is. You should be a little nervous; you’re going to a new place…” (27:20)
  • “I feel this way when I have to go to parties or give presentations. My stomach is always a little upset.” (27:34)
  • Normalizing, not excusing, the anxiety.

• Lead Through & Prepare:

  • “You know, I’ve discovered when I’m anxious, having a mission or something to focus on helps…” (28:50)
  • “I’m going to grab my coat. Why don’t you meet me in the car in five minutes, and we’ll come up with a plan.” (30:02)
  • Sets a clear next step, models confident leadership.

• Proactive Tips:

  • Visit new places in advance; arrange for the child to have a helpful task (e.g., set up mats for Taekwondo).
  • “When you come back on that night and say, ‘Hey, we’ve got Taekwondo tonight,’ what triggers in your child’s brain is not all the unknowns, it’s ‘Taekwondo guy needs my help.’” (31:04, Kirk Martin)

Notable Quote:

• “I think that actually causes more anxiety and frustration for the child because inside they’re like, ‘Wait, haven’t you experienced this before? Don’t you know what to do here?’” (29:34, Kirk Martin)

Tips for Co-Parenting When You Disagree with Your Spouse’s Approach (33:10–34:40)

• Take responsibility for your own style:
  • “I realize I’m too soft sometimes… Could we listen to this podcast and try to bring the best of both approaches?”
  • Invite collaboration instead of confrontation.

Notable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Quote/Summary | Speaker | |---------------|-------------------|-------------| | 04:00 | “Sometimes the goal… was to send the child to their room… But sometimes that came at a great cost.” | Kirk Martin | | 06:15 | “That hurts mommy’s feelings. We don’t use those words here… It’s kind of too syrupy sweet.” | Kirk Martin | | 09:20 | “I don’t know where you got the idea it would ever be okay to talk to me… It’s not and it never will be. That stops now.” | Kirk Martin | | 14:12 | “That’s just not going to work for you, son.” | Kirk Martin | | 15:00 | “If you want to grab some chips, I’ll grab some salsa… I’ll help you with whatever you’re struggling with.” | Kirk Martin | | 27:20 | “Is your stomach a little bit upset? Of course it is… You’re going to a new place where you don’t know anyone or what to expect.” | Kirk Martin | | 31:04 | “What triggers in your child’s brain is not all the unknowns, it’s ‘Taekwondo guy needs my help.’” | Kirk Martin | | 34:16 | “Could we listen to this podcast and try to bring the best of both approaches so we can meet in the middle?” | Kirk Martin |

Practical Takeaways

• Respond with clear, matter-of-fact boundaries, not emotion or lengthy lectures.
• Invite connection after conflict, don’t enforce isolation.
• Normalize a child’s experience, but show them how to process and move through their feelings.
• Be proactive with anxious kids: set up new situations ahead of time, offer concrete roles or “missions.”
• Practice a calm, confident tone that teaches—not just soothes or controls.
• Collaborate with co-parents by taking responsibility and inviting discussion, not blaming.

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Introduction & Overview: 02:20–04:00
• Three Parenting Approaches: 04:00–06:50
• Talking Back & Attitude Scenarios: 06:50–15:10
• Divorce/Split-Custody Insights: 12:11–13:25
• Dealing with Child Anxiety & Refusal: 22:00–36:00
• Co-Parenting with Different Styles: 33:10–34:40
• Practical Challenge for the Week: 38:00 (end)

Final Note & Call to Action

Kirk closes by encouraging parents to break old patterns by practicing a matter-of-fact, empathetic but also leading tone—“not leaving kids helpless, but connecting and teaching.” (38:12)

“Let’s practice being empathetic but also leading and not leaving our kids feeling helpless so we can connect and lead and teach… Moms and dads, you’ve got this.” (38:36, Kirk Martin)

For further help or to connect, visit celebratecalm.com or email casey@celebratecalm.com.