Kirk Martin (15:26)
Number six. Your strong willed child will likely never do their chores around the house very well, if at all. And you're going to have to wrestle with this one. I've done tons of podcasts on this, but I believe it's true. Our son Casey was virtually useless as a child. Around the house he was, but outside the home he was extremely responsible and he was awesome for other people. And remember, you're raising your kids to be adults who are successful in the real adult world. Many of you have kids who just aren't that great at the kid world and so you're going to have to reconcile this within yourself. What we decided we wanted was a kid who grew into a respectful, responsible adult who can live on his own and be responsible. And on his own he was fantastic. He was just awful for us sometimes. So we let things go and you're going to think oh, if he doesn't learn how to do his chores, he won't be able to keep a job. And that is a lie. Look, if you have three kids, you'll want all of them to do the same number of chores, and they aren't. The strong willed child will pay one sibling to do his chores and manipulate the other one. And your appropriate response is, you know what? That's good thinking. Strong will child. You've determined that doing chores is boring, but you're really good at making money. So with that money, you paid your one sibling to do your chores. That's called delegation. It's a mature, smart strategy used by entrepreneurs and you're a born entrepreneur. And then you manipulated your other sibling. That's because you understand human nature. And some people call that influence well done. You give them a fist bump and walk away. And yeah, look, I know that's hard, but I would encourage you. That's real life. And the real problem in this situation is the child who allows himself or herself to get manipulated. That child needs to learn some self respect to be assertive and not allow other people to take advantage of them. By the way, I'll save you some trouble. Your strong willed toddler will not pick up all of their toys by themselves. Even if they dump like 40,000 Lego blocks on the floor. They're just not going to do it. And you're going to be on the floor grumbling, picking up even more toys than your child. It's just the way it goes. And no, it doesn't mean they're going to grow up to be lazy and entitled and irresponsible. There are just certain things that I've seen in the course of working with almost a million families that happen again and again. And I'd rather you not fight over all of these things all the time. Remember, we've talked about reading the moment. Sometimes you just do what works in the moment so that you can live to enjoy or fight another day. Number eight, your strong willed child is going to make you really uncomfortable and cause some disagreements with your spouse. Because in addition to the chores issue above, here are a few more. And look, I'm really just trying to be honest with this. I could take just the tough, typical parenting approach. You know what? You need to bear down on your kids. You let them know if they don't pick up those toys and those Legos, you're going to take them to Goodwill and three minutes later, your child will pick up the toys and head out the door and say, hey, see In a few moments, I'm taking my toys down to Goodwill myself. Right. They just don't respond to the same things. And I am a realist. And what I want you to focus on are the more important things over time. Look, your strong willed child probably won't show. They're not going to show their work when doing math programs because it's stupid. I just showed you my work by getting the answer right. Duh. And your child's kind of correct with that. And I did this on a recent podcast. A lot of times what's happening is your kids see patterns and things, and so they look at a math problem and they're like, oh, I see the answer. And they just write it down. And then the teacher and parents ask this child to write down a process that they don't even use. And if you really think about it, we do this with our kids all the time. We're like, hey, I know you're made this way and your way of thinking is completely different. But I want you to think like everybody else thinks. I want you to deny your very nature and just do things the way I do them and everyone else does them, because that would be so much easier for you and for me. That's what we're often doing with our kids. And I want you to wrestle with those things because it's hard. Your strong willed child may do the minimal work necessary just to skate by. And I get that it's frustrating. You're going to project in the future and think, oh, if they don't do their best at everything, how are they going to be successful in life? But the truth is, you should go to that child and say, you know what? That's actually really smart because you don't care about grades right now. And you know, grades before high school don't even count. So you'd rather think strategically and preserve your energy for things you actually care care about. But here's what I know. When you do care about something, when you get a vision for your life, you are going to use that persistence. You are going to use those critical thinking and strategic thinking skills, and you're going to crush it. And then you give them a fist bump and you walk away and drink. I'm kidding. I don't want you to drink. But you're going to feel like it because this stuff causes us a lot of anxiety because it's so different and it's going to be very uncomfortable for you. But these things are all true. And you're going to have to reconcile yourself to the fact that your child simply doesn't care about what you care about yet. So listen to those episodes I've done on sparking internal motivation in your kids. You have to reconcile yourself to the fact that all of your lecturing, prodding, bribing and threatening has not changed or motivated your child at all. Instead, it simply hurt your relationship and destroyed your trust and your child's actually doing the opposite. Well, but shouldn't my child just. No, cut it out. This is about you and your anxiety about your child's future. Focus on controlling and changing yourself instead of your child. Because none of your efforts have worked before, it's not going to magically happen all of a sudden now. So let's dive into another favorite parenting myth. Well, kids have to learn to push through when things get hard because life is filled with doing things you don't want to do. True enough in one sense. But here's where the reasoning falls apart. We push through because we have a reason to. A need to support my family, an internal drive to accomplish something we care about. But I bet you I can find five things in your life that you don't push through to accomplish. And that could be in diet and exercise and giving to others, serving others, taking on more responsibility at work. Why? Because you don't care about it enough to push through. Look, when I worked in the corporate world, I wasn't great at managing the details of the business. But with this, with Celebrate Calm, I know every single thing going on in my business. Why? Because I'm motivated. Because I have ownership of this. And your kids simply aren't going to push through and be motivated until they care about something and have ownership. Look, I guarantee you, when they play video games, oh, they push through because they care about getting to the next level or winning at that. Think about this. Why would you push through if you don't care about the mission or if you see no reason or purpose in it? So here's a tip. Watch for the moments when your kids do push through when they're doing something they really care about. It could be persistence with their video games, with building something, with helping a neighbor. See, when they do things for other people, they're often very conscientious, just not when they do it for you. And there's no blame or guilt here. It's just that sometimes when kids do things for us, we don't really recognize or we say, hey, nice job, but if you would just do this. And we're never really happy with them. And so they don't do it anymore. They, that motivation is there. It's just not always there in the areas we want it to be there. So affirm what they're already doing. Well, that is much more motivating for these kids. And I'm going to save you a lot of money in family fights. Your strong willed child is likely not going to practice their instrument or practice at sports. And you're going to say, but they could be so good, they could make the varsity team or first chair violin if they would just practice at, look, here's what I want you to know. These kids just won't practice yet. They just want to play the game. They want to do it a different way. They want to play in the concert. I know it bugs you. They just don't care yet. And they often won't learn to read music, but they will learn by watching YouTube videos and it will drive you crazy. Just don't invest a lot of your own money and time in their acting activities. Let them pay for at least part of it and relax and enjoy. And I guarantee you sometimes when you, when you release them from your expectations of doing it your way, oftentimes they will then step up. But when we're on them all the time, there's no space for them to step up. It's suffocating and so they don't. So get accustomed to being uncomfortable and be willing to toss out all of those pain parenting lies you've been told yourself under the ones that you tell yourself and your kids. Okay, this is a hard one. Number nine, family life is going to be unfair. You are going to have to grade on a curve with your strong willed child because they aren't going to measure up or compare to their siblings. You're going to feel like you're letting them get away with things. And sometimes you are because sometimes you just don't want to murder your child. You know what I mean by that? There were and are times when I looked at my son and said, huh, you were almost respectful to me right then. That's progress for you. And you're going to wrestle with this. And I remember we used to travel a lot, conduct a lot of live events and I'd sent Casey a text because he would go in, get set up. I'd sit in the car for a few minutes, I'd say, hey, I want to take a different approach tonight. And when I walked into that event, I here he was, Cayce, marching toward me and he just said directly, no, we're not doing that. And Inside I was like, I am your father and I am your boss. Who are you to talk to me like that? But I had to realize this was a kid with strong opinions and a very direct manner. It's the way he was from the time he came out of the womb. But his intentions were good, even if his manner and tone weren't. So I engaged and we talked it out. And as it turned out, the little jerk was right. So. And that's the way it works in your home a lot. Look, the other kids in your home are going to complain. It isn't fair. Right? Because this child is going to drain the energy away from everyone else. And there's nothing you can do about that fact. You can't even out the time. You're going to invest more time in your strong willed child when they are kids. So don't try to fight that and don't feel guilty because it's actually a gift to the other kids because they get away with a lot more things because you're so busy correcting the strong willed child. And when the other kids say it isn't fair, you can remind them of this. Oh, you want to talk about fairness? Well, let's talk fairness. You know what else isn't fair? It's not fair that you were made with a brain and personality that makes it easy for you to get good grades in school. School. To do your homework quickly, to make friends and have sleepovers and generally be likable and compliant. And yet your brother's brain is wired in such a way he has to work five times harder than you to sit still all day, to memorize information for a test and to do homework. It's not fair that it's harder for him to connect with kids his own age. Have you ever noticed how difficult life is for him? Would you want to walk in his shoes or trade places with him for a day? I don't think so. So instead of talking about fairness, we could also talk about gratitude. See, by the way, and you can say, you don't have to say this. By the way, you better be nice to your brother because one day you'll probably be working for him when he starts his own business and rules the world. Okay, leave the last part out. But I don't want you to apologize for raising a different kid differently. It is going to be tougher. Number 10. That's because you have to understand the.
