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Calm Parenting Podcast
Self-Centered Child? Unfair With Siblings, Does Minimal Work & No Chores?
00:29:58
Your strong-willed kids are NOT going to do things your way. You are NOT going to change their nature. They will choose the harder path and touch the hot stove. It will make you uncomfortable and siblings will say it’s unfair. Kirk gives you scripts and actions steps to stop the battles and motivate your kids.
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At checkout, that's happy mammoth.com with the code Calm. Your strong willed child is not going to do things your way and you are not going to change your child's nature. Your child is going to choose the harder path and touch the hot stove. It's just the way they're made. And either you can either keep fighting your child or accept this is the child you've been given and you can try a different way. Now. Many of you come from one of two places. Perhaps you're the naturally compliant person who grew up following rules. This is tough for you because when someone asks you to do something, your natural instinct is, well, you just do it why is it so hard? But our strong will child's first instinct is to ask why? And choose a harder path. And you've noticed this, this. They'll even make it harder on themselves, right? They'll choose this and be like it would be so much easier if you would just do what I asked you to do. And you will likely interpret much of what your child does as being defiant or rebellious or difficult. Or maybe you were the strong willed child yourself. So you and your child are a lot alike and you can push each other's buttons without even trying. And now you don't want your strong will child making the same mistakes you made. So you lecture and can try to control this child and it makes it worse. So on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to share 10 truths about your strong willed child that you may not like so that we can reset our expectations over the holidays and create the new year so much better. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us in our Christmas sale@celebratecalm.com Look, I know every week I ask you to take a very different approach to your strong willed child and it makes you uncomfortable and you'll find yourself falling back into the same old patterns of thinking. You can change your child by lecturing, micromanaging, trying to fit this child into your own mold or the one that you want. But every time you do, you'll be reminded why the typical approach hasn't worked for the past four or 14 years. So I applaud you moms and dads for continuing to wrestle with these ideas with your own childhood issues while you're raising your own child with a spouse who may or may not be on board. I promise you this approach will work over time and the fruit will be a relationship you actually enjoy and cherish one day, even if the path to getting there is fraught with fights and tears and doubt. And I can tell you've heard me talk about Casey. We fought so much when he was a kid, and I can tell you he's a grown man now. I don't want you to miss out on this kind of relationship I have with Casey just because it looks and feels different. So as we head into the holidays, I think it's important to reset your mindset and how you view your kids in the path forward. So let's just start here. What do you want? You want a happy, confident, purposeful kid in a peaceful home? A child who uses his or her natural gifts, talents and passions in purposeful ways and has healthy relationships throughout their lives. Well, what do we have now? We've got a challenging child who makes everything a power struggle, who isn't motivated, who always does things the hard way, who makes things difficult for himself and his family. Now this is also a child who has a big heart, big brain sometimes and big potential. And you're here because nothing else you've tried has worked. Consequences don't work, most therapy doesn't work. And you're your wits and desperate to have a good relationship with your child. So let's dig into this and I want to give you perspective. I want to challenge you. I want to give you hope. So number one, your strong willed child is never going to do things your way or the way you want them done. I've discussed this all throughout our programs and our podcasts. It's just the way that it is. They will do things, just not the way you want them done. And you need to get over your own control issues. Your strong will child is not going to be immediately obedient. It's a horrible expectation anyway, and it's not even rooted in human nature. And what, you know what I really want. I don't want you judging yourself because other people come along. Well, if you just did it the right way, your child will listen right away. No, they won't. It's not human nature. It's not even healthy sometimes. So I don't want you to have false expectations of yourself and your child. Your strong will. Kids are always going to push back at first. Sometimes when they're asking why, they're looking for context, they're also thinking, hmm, I know, I heard what you want me to do. But I'm thinking, I've got a really good brain and I'm creative. I'd really like to find a different way to do it. Even if it, even if it's a little bit harder and even if you don't like it. Look, they're not. They don't wake up every day thinking, oh, I just want to be a jerk and have everybody not like me. Right? Think about that. They're just driven by these things inside. And usually it's good motivations, not always, but good motivations. They just don't know how to navigate this world. That feels very foreign to them. And that's why I want you to be patient with yourselves and with your kids. Look, this is part of who they are. So don't project out and label them as just being defiant. They're looking for space and ownership to do things a different way. And if you give these kids a larger box, so to speak, to live in, you can still have very clear expectations and boundaries. Just give them a little bit more space to do things differently than you do. But shouldn't kids just know how to listen and take no for an answer? Sure, of course they should. But your kids don't and they haven't in the past 16 years you've known them, right? So you're looking for some kind of trick that will work, but give up on that. There's no. There's no trick. This is reality. We deal with the kids we've been given. Number two, your strong will child will choose the harder path. They will make choices that think that you think are stupid. And it would be so much easier if they just did it right way, which is your way. But there are different ways. But they must touch the hot stove. I want you to know this. That is a necessary part of their learning process. And if you kept them from doing that, you would shortcut this process for them. Number three, you already know this. Consequences and punishment do not work or motivate these kids. So stop using that as your first response. It simply doesn't work and they simply don't care. Number four, your my way or the highway tough guy approach that was mine will never work unless you like destroying your relationship with your child. Yeah, your child may fear you, but their child won't respect you. And it hasn't worked for the first 4, 7, 17 years of your child's life. So what makes you think it will work next time? It won't. So stop that path. Number five, your strong willed child will appear to be self centered and selfish. This is a big one. But I guarantee you it's nothing more than self preservation from an insecure, immature human being who feels different and is expending all of his or her emotional energy just trying to hold it together inside. So think about this. They literally can't look outward because they're so focused inwardly holding things together. I've had friends who are recovering alcoholics who during their addiction, it was all about themselves. Why? Because they had to spend all of their energy simply holding their life together. So your child isn't a sociopath, he's just an overwhelmed kid. And if you start to see your kids that way, you can reach into their hearts and change and help them change and change the way they see themselves change and give them tools to learn how to manage that internal world. Otherwise you'll just destroy their spirit. And it Will breed a lot of anger. Number six, your strong willed child is going to progress on their own timeline. They are not going to progress on your artificial timeline according to artificial societal standards. I know we get all those books, oh, by the age of three, by the age of seven, by the age of nine, throw all of that out. That's just. Those are generalities. And most of the traditional approaches are developed by neurotypical people with neurotypical kids. And they assume, oh, this is the way it's supposed to be. That's utter bs. Kids and humans are different and I don't want to strip away those differences. You cannot compare your kids to their siblings or peers. Many of your kids are late bloomers and they may need later on. They may need a gap year or two before going to college or figuring out their life plan. Some of your kids, by the way, in their teen years will sabotage their going to college because they don't have the courage to come to you or they fear your response if they say, hey, I just don't think this is my path or I'm not ready yet. And so they won't take their SATs, they'll put things off. Just watch for that. I would be patient and don't force it again. You don't have to just, you don't have to like pay for everything and let them lay around your house when they're 18 or 19. No, they need to go work a job. But many of your kids are actually really good at working jobs. They're just not always good at school. You know what I would do? I would beg them to go to community college for the first two years. You know why? Who needs the prestigious bumper sticker when yours says, my daughter saved me $50,000 by going to community college? Seriously, there isn't a right college for your child most of the time. There's not a right path. The right path is their path. It's better if your kids take it slowly and get a success first before transferring on to a better college, before taking on all those responsibilities and challenges and spending all of that money. I'll just throw this out there. This may be for just a couple people. Some of your kids may do better. And it might be the right path for them to drop out of school when they're 16 and get their GED and go start working a couple jobs. And when they're ready, they start taking a couple classes at the community college. And it allows them to mature and grow up, be open to a different path for these kids. I want you to know moms and dads, they're going to be okay. It's just going to be a different path. And there's nothing wrong with that at all. 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Number six. Your strong willed child will likely never do their chores around the house very well, if at all. And you're going to have to wrestle with this one. I've done tons of podcasts on this, but I believe it's true. Our son Casey was virtually useless as a child. Around the house he was, but outside the home he was extremely responsible and he was awesome for other people. And remember, you're raising your kids to be adults who are successful in the real adult world. Many of you have kids who just aren't that great at the kid world, and so you're gonna have to reconcile this within yourself. What we decided we wanted was a kid who grew into a respectful, responsible adult who can live on his own and be responsible. And on his own he was fantastic. He was just awful for us sometimes. So we let things go and you're going to think, oh, if he doesn't learn how to do his chores, he won't be able to keep A job. And that is a lie. Look, if you have three kids, you'll want all of them to do the same number of chores, and they aren't. The strong willed child will pay one sibling to do his chores and manipulate the other one. And your appropriate response is, you know what? That's good thinking. Strong will child. You've determined that doing chores is boring, but you're really good at making money. So with that money, you paid your one sibling to do your chores. That's called delegation. It's a mature, smart strategy used by entrepreneurs. And you're a born entrepreneur. And then you manipulated your other sibling. That's because you understand human nature. And some people call that influence well done. You give them a fist bump and walk away. And yeah, look, I know that's hard, but I would encourage you. That's real life. And the real problem in this situation is the child who allows himself or herself to get manipulated. That child needs to learn some self respect to be assertive and not allow other people to take advantage of them. By the way, I'll save you some trouble. Your strong willed toddler will not pick up all of their toys by themselves. Even if they dump like 40,000 Lego blocks on the floor. They're just not going to do it. And you're going to be on the floor grumbling, picking up even more toys than your child. It's just the way it goes. And no, it doesn't mean they're going to grow up to be lazy and entitled and irresponsible. There are just certain things that I've seen in the course of working with almost a million families that happen again and again. And I'd rather you not fight over all of these things all the time. Remember, we've talked about reading the moment. Sometimes you just do what works in the moment so that you can live to enjoy or fight another day. Number eight, your strong willed child is going to make you really uncomfortable and cause some disagreements with your spouse. Because in addition to the chores issue above, here are a few more. And look, I'm really just trying to be honest with this. I could take just the tough, typical parenting approach. You know what? You need to bear down on your kids. You let them know if they don't pick up those toys and those Legos, you're going to take them to Goodwill and three minutes later your child will pick up the toys and head out the door and say, hey, see in a few, I'm taking my toys down to Goodwill myself. Right? They just, they just don't respond to the same things. And I am a realist. And what I want you to focus on are the more important things over time. Look, your strong will child probably won't show. They're not going to show their work when doing math programs because it's stupid. I just showed you my work by getting the answer right. Duh. And your child's kind of correct with that. And I did this on a recent podcast. A lot of times what's happening is your kids see patterns and things, and so they look at a math problem and they're like, oh, I see the answer, and they just write it down. And then the teacher and parents ask this child to write down a process that they don't even use. And if you really think about it, we do this with our kids all the time. We're like, hey, I know you're made this way and your way of thinking is completely different. But I want you to think like everybody else thinks. I want you to deny your very nature and just do things the way I do them and everyone else does them, because that would be so much easier for you and for me. That's what we're often doing with our kids. And I want you to wrestle with those things because it's hard. Your strong will child may do the minimal work necessary just to skate by. And I get that it's frustrating. You're going to project in the future and think, oh, if they don't do their best at everything, how are they going to be successful in life? But the truth is, you should go to that child and say, you know what? That's actually really smart, because you don't care about grades right now. And, you know, grades before high school don't even count. So you'd rather think strategically and preserve your energy for things you actually care care about. But here's what I know. When you do care about something, when you get a vision for your life, you are going to use that persistence. You are going to use those critical thinking and strategic thinking skills, and you're going to crush it. And then you give them a fist bump and you walk away and drink. I'm kidding. I don't want you to drink. But you're going to feel like it because this stuff causes us a lot of anxiety because it's so different and it's going to be very uncomfortable for you. But these things are all true. And you're going to have to reconcile yourself to the fact that your child simply doesn't care about what you care about yet. So Listen to those episodes I've done on sparking internal motivation in your kids. You have to reconcile yourself to the fact that all of your lecturing, prodding, bribing and threatening has not changed or motivated your child at all. Instead, it simply hurt your relationship and destroyed your trust. And your child's actually doing the opposite. Well, but shouldn't my child just. No, cut it out. This is about you and your anxiety about your child's future. Focus on controlling and changing yourself instead of your child. Because none of your efforts have worked before, it's not going to magically happen all of a sudden now. So let's dive into another favorite parenting myth. Well, kids have to learn to push through when things get hard because life is filled with doing things you don't want to do. True enough in one sense. But here's where the reasoning falls apart. We push through because we have a reason to. A need to support my family, an internal drive to accomplish something we care about. But I bet you I can find five things in your life that you don't push through to accomplish. And that could be in diet and exercise and giving to others, serving others, taking on more responsibility at work. Why? Because you don't care about it enough to push through. Look, when I worked in the corporate world, I wasn't great at managing the details of the business. But with this, with Celebrate Calm, I know every single thing going on in my business. Why? Because I'm motivated. Because I have ownership of this. And your kids simply aren't going to push through and be motivated until they care about something and have ownership. Look, I guarantee you, when they play video games, oh, they push through because they care about getting to the next level or winning at that. Think about this. Why would you push through if you don't care about the mission or if you see no reason or purpose in it. So here's a tip. Watch for the moments when your kids do push through when they're doing something they really care about. It could be persistence with their video games, with building something, with helping a neighbor. See, when they do things for other people, they're often very conscientious, just not when they do it for you. And there's no blame or guilt here. It's just that sometimes when kids do things for us, we don't really recognize, or we say, hey, nice job, but if you would just do this. And we're never really happy with them and so they don't do it anymore. That motivation is there. It's just not always there in the Areas, we want it to be there. So affirm what they're already doing. Well, that is much more motivating for these kids. And I'm going to save you a lot of money in family fights. Your strong willed child is likely not going to practice their instrument or practice at sports. And you're going to say, but they could be so good, they could make the varsity team or first chair violin if they would just practice. Look, here's what I want you to know. These kids just won't practice yet. They just want to play the game. They want to, they want to do it a different way. They want to play in the concert. I know it bugs you. They just don't care yet. And they often won't learn to read music, but they will learn by watching YouTube videos and it will drive you crazy. Just don't invest a lot of your own money and time in their activities. Let them pay for at least part of it and relax and enjoy. And I guarantee you, sometimes when you, when you release them from your expectations of doing it your way, oftentimes they will then step up. But when we're on them all the time, there's no space for them to step up. It's suffocating. And so they don't. So get accustomed to being uncomfortable and be willing to toss out all of those parenting lies you've been told yourself under the ones that you tell yourself and your kids. Okay, this is a hard one. Number nine, family life is going to be unfair. You are going to have to grade on a curve with your strong willed child because they aren't going to measure up or compare to their siblings. You're going to feel like you're letting them get away with things. And sometimes you are, because sometimes you just don't want to murder your child. You know what I mean by that? There were and are times when I looked at my son and said, huh, you were almost respectful to me right then. That's progress for you. And you're going to wrestle with this. And I remember we were, we used to travel a lot, conduct a lot of live events. And I'd sent Casey a text because he would go in, get set up. I'd sit in the car for a few minutes, I'd say, hey, I want to take a different approach tonight. And when I walked into that event, here he was, Casey marching toward me and he just said directly, no, we're not doing that. And inside I was like, I am your father and I am your boss. Who are you to talk to me? Like that. But I had to realize this was a kid with strong opinions and a very direct manner. It's the way he was from the time he came out of the womb. But his intentions were good, even if his manner and tone weren't so. And I engaged and we talked it out. And as it turned out, the little jerk was right. So. And that's the way it works in your home a lot. Look, the other kids in your home are going to complain. It isn't fair. Right? Because this child is going to drain the energy away from everyone else. And there's nothing you can do about that fact. You can't even out the time. You're going to invest more time in your strong willed child when they are kids. So don't try to fight that and don't feel guilty because it's actually a gift to the other kids because they get away with a lot more things because you're so busy correcting the strong will child. And when the other kids say it isn't fair, you can remind them of this. Oh, you want to talk about fairness? Well, let's talk fairness. You know what else isn't fair? It's not fair that you were made with a brain and personality that makes it easy for you to get good grades in school, to do your homework quickly, to make friends and have sleepovers and generally be likable and compliant. And yet your brother's brain is wired in such a way he has to work five times harder than you to sit still all day, to memorize information for a test and to do homework. It's not fair that it's harder for him to connect with kids his own age. Have you ever noticed how difficult life is for him? Would you want to walk in his shoes or trade places with him for a day? I don't think so. So instead of talking about fairness, we could also talk about gratitude. See, by the way, and you can say, you don't have to say this. By the way, you better be nice to your brother because one day you'll probably be working for him when he starts his own business and rules the world. Okay, leave the last part out, but I don't want you to apologize for raising a different kid differently. It is going to be tougher. Number 10. That's because you have to understand the arc of their lives. Strong willed kids feel like they're swimming upstream. Childhood just doesn't suit them. And you said before, if we can just get this child to adulthood, they're going to be fine. See, strong will kids face adversity from the time they begin preschool, usually. And it doesn't let up because navigating childhood doesn't come easy for them. So it's almost like they get most of their difficulties out of the way as kids. But here's the beneficial part. By the time they're 26, they are so accustomed to adversity they can handle real life, whereas your compliant child will wilt like a flower after getting fired from their first job. But the strong will child is going to be like, I've had everyone against me since I was born. Bring it. And please note as well that this adversity forces them to create different coping mechanisms and workarounds that often give them a competitive advantage later in life. So moms and dads, let's reset our expectations over the holidays. Wrestle with this stuff. Binge listen to past episodes of the Calm Parenting Podcast. If you have our programs on that app, let your kids listen over the holidays. They will start to understand their brains and they'll be like, that guy's describing me. That's what it feels like. Can we do this a different way? Let extended family listen to the programs and if you have them, email us with your child's teacher's email address and we'll send them a couple of the programs that would benefit them most and they can listen over the holiday break. Okay? I want you to enjoy the strong Willed child. I know they are different, but I can tell you it is so gratifying. Later on you are going to. It's going to be awesome. Moms and dads, much respect to you all. Love you all. Bye.