Sibling Fights: What Are The Consequences?

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary

Title: Sibling Fights: What Are The Consequences?
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: May 21, 2023

---

Introduction

In this enlightening episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, Kirk Martin delves deep into the dynamics of sibling conflicts, exploring their roots and offering practical strategies for parents to effectively manage and mitigate these disputes. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk provides actionable insights aimed at fostering a harmonious family environment.

---

Understanding the Roots of Sibling Fights

Kirk begins by addressing the common assumption that sibling fights are an inevitable aspect of having multiple children. He identifies three primary sources of these conflicts:

1. Boredom
2. Resentment
3. Frustration

1. Boredom

Kirk explains that many children, particularly those who are physiologically understimulated, seek intense stimulation to keep their brains engaged. This constant need for stimulation can lead to behaviors such as arguing, fidgeting, and poking siblings simply to alleviate boredom. He states:

"A kid's sitting around and he's bored. What's he going to do? He's going to poke his sister, or almost poke is even worse."
(02:10)

This not only disrupts sibling relationships but also creates a ripple effect of frustration among parents.

2. Resentment

Resentment often arises when there is a perceived imbalance in parental attention or approval. Kirk highlights the classic scenario where a child who feels undervalued might lash out at a compliant sibling:

"The child who's always in trouble is going to take things out on the good child. That's as old as Cain and Abel."
(03:00)

This dynamic can foster long-term tensions and emotional scars if not addressed appropriately.

3. Frustration

Frustration is the focal point of this episode. Kirk emphasizes that many sibling conflicts stem from unaddressed frustration, leading children to express their emotions through aggressive behaviors.

"It's just plain frustration. And that's what we're going to deal with in today's episode of the podcast."
(03:30)

---

Strategies to Address Sibling Fights

Kirk outlines three key strategies to effectively manage and reduce sibling conflicts, especially those rooted in frustration.

1. Equip Kids with Tools to Handle Frustration

Kirk advocates for teaching children constructive ways to express and manage their frustration. Instead of lashing out, children should be encouraged to articulate their feelings and seek help in problem-solving.

"Some kids lash out because that's all they know how to do when frustrated. They don't know how to say, hey, mom and dad, I have this vision in my head of how the day was supposed to go."
(04:05)

Implementation Tips:

• Intensity and Validation: Engage children in physical activities to help them channel their frustration. Activities like jumping jacks, obstacle courses, or even simple chores can provide the necessary outlet.

  "Motion changes emotion. It's a good way to help kids calm down."
  (05:50)

• Lead by Example: Demonstrate emotional control by managing your own frustrations calmly, thereby setting a positive example for your children.

2. Address the Root Cause Instead of Just the Behavior

Kirk stresses the importance of understanding the underlying issues that drive a child's aggressive behavior rather than merely imposing consequences.

"Consequences tend not to change behavior. And your kids already know what they're doing is wrong."
(07:20)

He suggests that fulfilling the child's internal needs—such as hunger or a sense of control—can naturally reduce the occurrence of aggressive outbursts.

Implementation Tips:

• Meet Internal Needs: For instance, if a child is acting out because they're hungry, addressing their hunger can mitigate the behavior.
• Provide Control: Assigning tasks or missions that give children a sense of responsibility can help them feel more in control and less inclined to lash out.

3. Model Emotional Regulation

Parents must demonstrate effective emotional control to teach their children how to manage their own emotions. Kirk emphasizes that children learn by observing their parents' responses to stress and frustration.

"If you can't control your own emotions as adults, how can you expect a little kid to do so?"
(12:45)

Implementation Tips:

• Consistent Behavior: Maintain consistent and calm reactions during tense situations.
• No Blame or Guilt: Focus on positive reinforcement rather than blaming or making children feel guilty for their emotions.

---

Breaking Generational Patterns

Kirk shares a personal anecdote about his own upbringing, highlighting the impact of generational patterns on parenting styles. He illustrates how he overcame a tumultuous pattern of yelling and intimidation learned from his father, choosing instead to foster a more compassionate and controlled environment for his children.

"The greatest gift I gave my son was to break the generational pattern that I got from my dad... yelling and screaming, fear and intimidation approach."
(16:30)

He encourages parents to consciously break free from any negative patterns they may have inherited, ensuring a healthier emotional atmosphere for their children.

---

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Kirk concludes the episode by reiterating the importance of addressing the root causes of sibling fights and modeling emotional regulation. He emphasizes that while consequences are necessary to establish boundaries, they are not the ultimate solution. By focusing on meeting children's internal needs and demonstrating effective emotional control, parents can foster a more harmonious and understanding family environment.

"If you listen to our programs and you email me and say, hey, here's my trigger. Here's what I'm struggling with, I will help you personally with those things."
(17:50)

Kirk invites listeners to engage with the Calm Parenting programs and resources available on the Celebrate Calm website, offering personalized support to ensure lasting positive changes within the family dynamic.

---

Notable Quotes

• On Boredom and Stimulation:
  "A kid's sitting around and he's bored. What's he going to do? He's going to poke his sister, or almost poke is even worse."
  (02:10)

• On Resentment Among Siblings:
  "The child who's always in trouble is going to take things out on the good child. That's as old as Cain and Abel."
  (03:00)

• On Consequences and Behavior:
  "Consequences tend not to change behavior. And your kids already know what they're doing is wrong."
  (07:20)

• On Modeling Emotional Control:
  "If you can't control your own emotions as adults, how can you expect a little kid to do so?"
  (12:45)

• On Breaking Generational Patterns:
  "The greatest gift I gave my son was to break the generational pattern that I got from my dad... yelling and screaming, fear and intimidation approach."
  (16:30)

---

Additional Resources

For parents seeking further assistance, Kirk encourages visiting the Celebrate Calm website or reaching out directly via email at [e-mail]. The site offers comprehensive programs, including the Calm Parenting Package and the Get Everything Package, designed to equip parents with the tools necessary to handle strong-willed children and foster a peaceful family environment.

---

Thank you for tuning into the Calm Parenting Podcast. Together, we can transform family dynamics and nurture emotionally intelligent children.

Transcript

[Host]

Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

[Advertiser]

Love when your child reminds you about a school project at bedtime the night before it's due? With Skylight Calendar you can avoid those last minute oops moments. It visually displays your family schedule in one place with different colors for each family member so you can eliminate those last minute surprises that upset your kids. Skylight Calendar is a wi fi connected digital display that syncs seamlessly with with all your calendars and visually showcases your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. You can manage events, chores and grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app. This is a game changer for families like ours and your happiness is Skylight's happiness. So if in 120 days you are not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. This is a great Mother's Day gift and right now Skylight is offering our listeners throw $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcal.com calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's s K Y L I G H t c a l.com calm.

[Listener]

My.

[Kirk Martin]

Assumption is if you have more than one child, you are going to have sibling fights. You're going to have arguments, they're going to poke each other, irritate each other. Sometimes they're going to lash out at each other. It's just going to happen. So what do you do in that moment? How do you prevent this? What are the consequences that you give? That's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you need help, reach out to our son Casey C A S e [e-mail] Tell us about your family. Age of the kids, what are you struggling with? We talk about it as a family and then we get get back to you, usually pretty quickly and very specifically because our mission is to help you with these strong willed kids. So here's what we're going to talk about today. Sibling issues Sibling issues tend to come from one of three places. Boredom, resentment, or just plain frustration. So boredom very quickly. Your kids, many of your kids don't get enough dopamine or blood flow to the brain. Their brains are physiologically understimulated. That's why they're always looking for intense stimulation. They're fidgeting, they bounce their legs, they procrastinate they argue with you. All of these things are intended to stimulate their brain. So a kid's sitting around and he's bored. What's he going to do? He's going to poke his sister, or almost poke is even worse. Or he's going to look at his brother and then mom's going to get upset and come in the room. Can't you just leave your sister alone? And then dad's going to get upset because his wife is upset. Right. So one child, by just looking at a brother or sister, gets three people upset. Solves the boredom. Not a good way to do it. And we can go over that in another podcast. Right, but not this one. So the second one is resentment. You've really got to watch this because in your home you may have the strong willed child who tends to be in trouble a lot, doesn't feel good about himself, often says, like, I'm dumb, I'm stupid, you like my brother more than you like me. And then there might be more of the compliant or golden child. Well, what's going to happen? The child who's always in trouble is going to take things out on the good child. That's as old as Cain and Abel, right? It's from the history, it's just how things work. And then the other one place sibling fights come from is just plain frustration. And that's what we're going to deal with in today's episode of the podcast. So if you need more on that, we have a complete program on just stopping sibling fights. It's one of the 13 programs in the calm parenting package or you get to get everything package right on the website. So in the end there are very few real sibling issues. Most of the time it's a boredom issue or it could be a confidence issue. See, if I feel good about myself, if I got a vision for my life, I don't have time or the inclination to pick on a sibling. See, you solve some of these things not by just addressing the outward behavior, but by getting to the root of it. And sometimes it's just a self control issue.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

It's just that the sibling happens to be in close proximity to become the target. So here's the specific situation with three points that I want to address. Today I was posting on Facebook and a mom, a really good mom, asked this question, hey, any advice on sibling hitting? My 4 year old has big emotions and she often hits her brother or pokes him or just gets in his face and it's getting worse. And now he's hitting two and so look, in this instance, it's not a sibling issue. This is a frustration issue. A bright, frustrated little girl gets frustrated when she gets disappointment and does what she knows to do, which is hit her innocent brother. So three points. Point number one, I want to focus on giving kids tools to deal with their frustration, to deal with the disappointment. Some kids lash out because that's all they know how to do when frustrated. They don't know how to say, hey, mom and Dad, I have this vision in my head of how the day was supposed to go. I've got this agenda, some ideas, and now it's not going to plan, and I'm frustrated. Could you help me reset myself and problem solve now? And they don't know how to say that, so they lash out. So here's what I would work on. Let's try using intensity during these moments to help your daughter with her frustration.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

We give intensity and validation. Intensity in a physical activity to do. Because remember, motion changes emotion. It's a good way to help kids calm down. And it's that intensity that sometimes calms kids or make them feel like they're being heard or taken seriously. That's why simple redirecting and distractions don't work. Or just say, no, honey, it's okay. It's not a big deal. Moms, you don't like that when your husband says that, Right? It's like giving a really hungry adult a piece of lettuce when he needs a burger or a steak.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

So I like phrases like, oh, man, if I were you, honey, I'd be really frustrated, too. That feels validating, like you're really getting your daughter. What I didn't say was, so if I were you, I'd hit your brother. I'd punch a hole in the wall. That's not what I said. I just validated this. Hey, if I were you, I'd be frustrated, too. That starts to engage the child, and it feels very calming rather than dismissing them. And then the second thing to follow up on is, let's give kids, your kids, some intensity. And I like physical intensity, a certain movement and exercise, a physical activity that you do or you lead them to when the child is upset.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

To see if you can draw that child in. You can use intensity in your own voice, but not at your child. Right? So it may sound like, oh, man, I can tell you are really frustrated, and I would be too. So you know what I do when I get frustrated? Then I start doing something like in freaky, intense jumping jacks or Push ups or doing something physical outside. That's why I love having obstacle courses in the basement, in the backyard. Things that your kids have to climb under, climb over, things they have to pull a rope, they have to climb up, right? Something they can throw themselves into. A lot of our kids, it's weird. A lot of our kids love shoveling mulch. I know a 4 year old's probably not going to do it, but older kids can have some things around the house, outside of the house that they can help you with that they can do. Climbing on things, jumping on things. A trampoline sometimes works and usually just suggesting the action item. Honey, you're really upset. Why don't you go do X? They're not going to always do it then, so sometimes you have to lead. So you begin doing the physical exercise and see if they just follow you. Sometimes you give your child a job or a mission to do that has nothing to do with the current situation. But you don't always have to go, like, we need to talk about your frustration right now, right? Instead it's like, let me give them a mission. Something they feel in control of, right? So that's like, oh, you know what, honey, I could really use your help opening this jar. Do you think you could do that? Could you go into the pantry, get the spaghetti sauce? Could you open that jar for me? Giving kids something that they feel in control of in the moment sometimes is settling and calming. Because part of the frustration is I don't feel in control this situation. And we usually just say, calm down, calm down. They don't know how. And what they're thinking is, apparently you haven't even mastered that skill and you're 38. So I give them something in their control.

[Host]

So we just moved into a new home with no landscaping. So we were thrilled to discover Fast Growing Trees. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. No more wasting your weekend driving around being overwhelmed by big garden centers that don't have what you want. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers, including us. Get your plants delivered directly to your door in just a few days. Their alive and thrive guarantee ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Healthy. Plus you get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15 off their first purchase when using the code Calm at Checkout that's an additional 15 off at fast growingtrees.com using the code CALM fast growing trees.com CALM offers valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply so Mrs. Calm told me yesterday I wish I had begun drinking AG1 sooner. My stomach has felt so much calmer and I'm more regular. My Ag one in the Morning provides some consistency I really crave and that's one reason I love my AG1. It's an easy, healthy daily routine. No messes, no blenders. We put one scoop of AG1 into a bottle of water, shake it up and start our day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients. Check out a Special [e-mail] Calm look, I've got more energy, better mental clarity and AG1 supports my immune health. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. Be an AG1 couple like us AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift.

[Kirk Martin]

When you sign up, you'll get a.

[Host]

Welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to start your day with a win.

[Kirk Martin]

Point number two, get to the root of the issue. So the mom replied, as she should have so we don't give consequences, we don't punish at all. No consequences. By the way, short little thing here, just so we're clear, we don't punish, I don't punish. Punishment doesn't work, right? I can teach, I can lead, I give a consequence, sure, but discipline literally means to teach, doesn't mean to punish. So I just want to be clear. She says no punishment for this, no consequences. And mom, like many of you, has this little voice in her head that tells her, well, I can't let my daughter get away with this over and over again. So my response was, I'm fine with a consequence, but it won't stop anything, right? Consequences are important. Like you have to give a consequence to establish boundaries. But look, the truth is this. Consequences tend not to change behavior. And your kids already know what they're doing is wrong. This 4 year old little girl or your 14 year old doesn't matter. She already knows that she's not supposed to hit her brother. That's intrinsic. You already know that, right? So I'm fine with the consequence, but it won't stop anything. It's not the solution. Let's Just imagine that, that your son or daughter is hungry and when they get hungry, they lash out. Well, I'm not going to give a child a consequence for being hungry. I'm going to feed the child, right? So when I feed the child, I meet that internal need and then the external behavior changes. So I really encourage you to focus on that. Of it's partly why we want to learn how to calm ourselves down, slow our own internal world down, have these tools. Look, it's why I want you listening, going through our programs on the app. It's on this easy to listen to app right, on your phone, so you can listen literally all day when you're in the car. Listen when your kids are at home, Let them hear it. It's good for them. They're teaching life skills in it. So I want you to listen so that you're in that mode of, I'm not reacting, I'm slowing my world down. And so I'm watching, I see my daughter hit and lash out. And instead of reflexively reacting, honey, stop hitting your brother. If you keep doing that X, I can think for 20 seconds and say, oh, I wonder what's really going on here, right? Because once you meet the internal need, the external behavior changes, you feed the child. Guess what? Not hangry anymore. Probably stops acting out. So we want to get to the root of the issue. Point number two. Point number three, learn how to model controlling your own emotions. So the mom said, you know, I've never really tried anything with consistency. Okay, good. No blame, no guilt. Just start being consistent because I'm confident that'll help. And mom says I need to set an example of how to handle my intense emotions. I was not a good example today.

[Host]

Send help.

[Kirk Martin]

Right. So there's no blame, no guilt. It's just the reality that 95% of the time this is not just about the child's behavior. It's also a frustration issue for the parents. Look, I don't do blame and guilt. But you can't escape this if the dad in the home cannot control his own emotions. That has to be addressed. You can't walk around with a dad who's always frustrated, lashing out and yelling and always frustrated. And then expect the little kids and the grown kids, right, the teenagers, to learn how to control themselves. It's no blame or guilt on the dads, but you have to step up with that. You can't excuse that. Same thing with moms. You can't be reactionary and always lecturing and yelling and doing all those things. And then expect kids to do differently. It doesn't work, right? If you can't control your own emotions as adults, how can you expect a little kid to do so? So no blame, no guilt. But look, this is important also no excuses and no more procrastination, right? I want you to take this seriously for this issue. These things can go on like, well, we'll just try, we'll do better. No, that's not good enough. And again, I'm not, I'm not imposing putting guilt on you, but this has real ramifications, right? Year after year of this going on, of watching mom or dad or both not be able to control themselves. And then you get a little bit later and the kids are bigger. It just gets harder. So I want to do this now. So let's finally, let's do this. Make the long term changes or everything else is just a band aid and it will get worse because look, remember we had the voice of the daughter before of like, oh, my day got ruined in my plans and I'm frustrated. Could you help me out? Here's what else she is saying. This is what your child is saying. Mom and dad, I need you to help me with my frustration when I get disappointment, when I get disappointed. But of course you can't help me because I can see right now that you're frustrated that your day isn't going as planned because I ruined your agenda. I can see that you're frustrated because I'm frustrated. But see, I'm just a little kid, but I see my big strong daddy or my grown up mommy upset all the time and getting that irritated look. So I guess this is just how life works and what I'm supposed to do. So I'll keep lashing out. Once again, no blame, no guilt. But also no excuses. I want to change this. So please listen to the podcast, work on this stuff, go through the calm parenting package or the get everything package and listen to it. I've done this for a long time. I know this. People who invest in a program and who listen to it and who work at it, they make changes and things change because it can't help but change. If you become a new person where you're not reactive anymore, that will bleed over. Your spouse will begin to see you modeling it, see you changing right in front front of them, right? And your kids, more than that, your kids will see it and be like, why aren't you yelling anymore? Why aren't you reacting? It was the greatest gift I gave my son was to break the Generational pattern that I got from my dad, who was career military, my way or the highway approach, yelling and screaming, fear and intimidation approach.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

That's a manipulative approach that says I can't control myself. So I need you to behave. Because if you don't behave, I can't behave. That's what my dad learned from his dad and my greatest gift to my son. And I almost ruined it. Right? I went nine and a half years doing what my dad did with me and with his four sons. I finally changed that. That's my gift to my son. Because when he becomes a dad, he's not going to have to break that pattern anymore. Or maybe you have something from your mom, right? Maybe it's the. After all I do for you and you can't even. Well, that's manipulative too. See, it's because I've done so much for you, you owe me to behave. That's manipulation. That's not a relationship. So I want to dig in here and break some of these generational patterns. It's really hard work. I know that. That's why we created the program. It's why I do the podcast. Because it's really important. It's not just like a fun little mommy daddy thing. It's really important because we're talking about generational stuff. We're here to help you. If you need help with it, contact us. Right? I know that you're a good mom and dad. Cause you're listening to a parenting podcast, right? And I appreciate that. And I appreciate you sharing this with others and I appreciate you working so hard. Let's dig into this. Do what it takes. Look, if you listen to our programs and you email me and say, hey, here's my trigger. Here's what I'm struggling with, I will help you personally with those things, right? Because you've invested your time, your money in these programs and you're working at it. And so I'm investing in you. And we change these things. That's what we exist for, right? So anyway, love you all. Thank you for doing this. We'll talk to you soon. Bye.