Listener (4:19)

Right?

Kirk Martin (4:19)

It's just that the sibling happens to be in close proximity to become the target. So here's the specific situation with three points that I want to address. Today I was posting on Facebook and a mom, a really good mom, asked this question, hey, any advice on sibling hitting? My 4 year old has big emotions and she often hits her brother or pokes him or just gets in his face and it's getting worse. And now he's hitting two and so look, in this instance, it's not a sibling issue. This is a frustration issue. A bright, frustrated little girl gets frustrated when she gets disappointment and does what she knows to do, which is hit her innocent brother. So three points. Point number one, I want to focus on giving kids tools to deal with their frustration, to deal with the disappointment. Some kids lash out because that's all they know how to do when frustrated. They don't know how to say, hey, mom and Dad, I have this vision in my head of how the day was supposed to go. I've got this agenda, some ideas, and now it's not going to plan, and I'm frustrated. Could you help me reset myself and problem solve now? And they don't know how to say that, so they lash out. So here's what I would work on. Let's try using intensity during these moments to help your daughter with her frustration.

Listener (5:46)

Right?

Kirk Martin (5:46)

We give intensity and validation. Intensity in a physical activity to do. Because remember, motion changes emotion. It's a good way to help kids calm down. And it's that intensity that sometimes calms kids or make them feel like they're being heard or taken seriously. That's why simple redirecting and distractions don't work. Or just say, no, honey, it's okay. It's not a big deal. Moms, you don't like that when your husband says that, Right? It's like giving a really hungry adult a piece of lettuce when he needs a burger or a steak.

Listener (6:18)

Right?

Kirk Martin (6:19)

So I like phrases like, oh, man, if I were you, honey, I'd be really frustrated, too. That feels validating, like you're really getting your daughter. What I didn't say was, so if I were you, I'd hit your brother. I'd punch a hole in the wall. That's not what I said. I just validated this. Hey, if I were you, I'd be frustrated, too. That starts to engage the child, and it feels very calming rather than dismissing them. And then the second thing to follow up on is, let's give kids, your kids, some intensity. And I like physical intensity, a certain movement and exercise, a physical activity that you do or you lead them to when the child is upset.

Listener (7:03)

Right.

Kirk Martin (7:03)

To see if you can draw that child in. You can use intensity in your own voice, but not at your child. Right? So it may sound like, oh, man, I can tell you are really frustrated, and I would be too. So you know what I do when I get frustrated? Then I start doing something like in freaky, intense jumping jacks or Push ups or doing something physical outside. That's why I love having obstacle courses in the basement, in the backyard. Things that your kids have to climb under, climb over, things they have to pull a rope, they have to climb up, right? Something they can throw themselves into. A lot of our kids, it's weird. A lot of our kids love shoveling mulch. I know a 4 year old's probably not going to do it, but older kids can have some things around the house, outside of the house that they can help you with that they can do. Climbing on things, jumping on things. A trampoline sometimes works and usually just suggesting the action item. Honey, you're really upset. Why don't you go do X? They're not going to always do it then, so sometimes you have to lead. So you begin doing the physical exercise and see if they just follow you. Sometimes you give your child a job or a mission to do that has nothing to do with the current situation. But you don't always have to go, like, we need to talk about your frustration right now, right? Instead it's like, let me give them a mission. Something they feel in control of, right? So that's like, oh, you know what, honey, I could really use your help opening this jar. Do you think you could do that? Could you go into the pantry, get the spaghetti sauce? Could you open that jar for me? Giving kids something that they feel in control of in the moment sometimes is settling and calming. Because part of the frustration is I don't feel in control this situation. And we usually just say, calm down, calm down. They don't know how. And what they're thinking is, apparently you haven't even mastered that skill and you're 38. So I give them something in their control.

Host (9:03)

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Kirk Martin (11:08)

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Host (11:09)

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Kirk Martin (11:28)

Point number two, get to the root of the issue. So the mom replied, as she should have so we don't give consequences, we don't punish at all. No consequences. By the way, short little thing here, just so we're clear, we don't punish, I don't punish. Punishment doesn't work, right? I can teach, I can lead, I give a consequence, sure, but discipline literally means to teach, doesn't mean to punish. So I just want to be clear. She says no punishment for this, no consequences. And mom, like many of you, has this little voice in her head that tells her, well, I can't let my daughter get away with this over and over again. So my response was, I'm fine with a consequence, but it won't stop anything, right? Consequences are important. Like you have to give a consequence to establish boundaries. But look, the truth is this. Consequences tend not to change behavior. And your kids already know what they're doing is wrong. This 4 year old little girl or your 14 year old doesn't matter. She already knows that she's not supposed to hit her brother. That's intrinsic. You already know that, right? So I'm fine with the consequence, but it won't stop anything. It's not the solution. Let's Just imagine that, that your son or daughter is hungry and when they get hungry, they lash out. Well, I'm not going to give a child a consequence for being hungry. I'm going to feed the child, right? So when I feed the child, I meet that internal need and then the external behavior changes. So I really encourage you to focus on that. Of it's partly why we want to learn how to calm ourselves down, slow our own internal world down, have these tools. Look, it's why I want you listening, going through our programs on the app. It's on this easy to listen to app right, on your phone, so you can listen literally all day when you're in the car. Listen when your kids are at home, Let them hear it. It's good for them. They're teaching life skills in it. So I want you to listen so that you're in that mode of, I'm not reacting, I'm slowing my world down. And so I'm watching, I see my daughter hit and lash out. And instead of reflexively reacting, honey, stop hitting your brother. If you keep doing that X, I can think for 20 seconds and say, oh, I wonder what's really going on here, right? Because once you meet the internal need, the external behavior changes, you feed the child. Guess what? Not hangry anymore. Probably stops acting out. So we want to get to the root of the issue. Point number two. Point number three, learn how to model controlling your own emotions. So the mom said, you know, I've never really tried anything with consistency. Okay, good. No blame, no guilt. Just start being consistent because I'm confident that'll help. And mom says I need to set an example of how to handle my intense emotions. I was not a good example today.

Host (14:32)

Send help.

Kirk Martin (14:33)

Right. So there's no blame, no guilt. It's just the reality that 95% of the time this is not just about the child's behavior. It's also a frustration issue for the parents. Look, I don't do blame and guilt. But you can't escape this if the dad in the home cannot control his own emotions. That has to be addressed. You can't walk around with a dad who's always frustrated, lashing out and yelling and always frustrated. And then expect the little kids and the grown kids, right, the teenagers, to learn how to control themselves. It's no blame or guilt on the dads, but you have to step up with that. You can't excuse that. Same thing with moms. You can't be reactionary and always lecturing and yelling and doing all those things. And then expect kids to do differently. It doesn't work, right? If you can't control your own emotions as adults, how can you expect a little kid to do so? So no blame, no guilt. But look, this is important also no excuses and no more procrastination, right? I want you to take this seriously for this issue. These things can go on like, well, we'll just try, we'll do better. No, that's not good enough. And again, I'm not, I'm not imposing putting guilt on you, but this has real ramifications, right? Year after year of this going on, of watching mom or dad or both not be able to control themselves. And then you get a little bit later and the kids are bigger. It just gets harder. So I want to do this now. So let's finally, let's do this. Make the long term changes or everything else is just a band aid and it will get worse because look, remember we had the voice of the daughter before of like, oh, my day got ruined in my plans and I'm frustrated. Could you help me out? Here's what else she is saying. This is what your child is saying. Mom and dad, I need you to help me with my frustration when I get disappointment, when I get disappointed. But of course you can't help me because I can see right now that you're frustrated that your day isn't going as planned because I ruined your agenda. I can see that you're frustrated because I'm frustrated. But see, I'm just a little kid, but I see my big strong daddy or my grown up mommy upset all the time and getting that irritated look. So I guess this is just how life works and what I'm supposed to do. So I'll keep lashing out. Once again, no blame, no guilt. But also no excuses. I want to change this. So please listen to the podcast, work on this stuff, go through the calm parenting package or the get everything package and listen to it. I've done this for a long time. I know this. People who invest in a program and who listen to it and who work at it, they make changes and things change because it can't help but change. If you become a new person where you're not reactive anymore, that will bleed over. Your spouse will begin to see you modeling it, see you changing right in front front of them, right? And your kids, more than that, your kids will see it and be like, why aren't you yelling anymore? Why aren't you reacting? It was the greatest gift I gave my son was to break the Generational pattern that I got from my dad, who was career military, my way or the highway approach, yelling and screaming, fear and intimidation approach.

Listener (17:58)

Right?

Kirk Martin (17:59)

That's a manipulative approach that says I can't control myself. So I need you to behave. Because if you don't behave, I can't behave. That's what my dad learned from his dad and my greatest gift to my son. And I almost ruined it. Right? I went nine and a half years doing what my dad did with me and with his four sons. I finally changed that. That's my gift to my son. Because when he becomes a dad, he's not going to have to break that pattern anymore. Or maybe you have something from your mom, right? Maybe it's the. After all I do for you and you can't even. Well, that's manipulative too. See, it's because I've done so much for you, you owe me to behave. That's manipulation. That's not a relationship. So I want to dig in here and break some of these generational patterns. It's really hard work. I know that. That's why we created the program. It's why I do the podcast. Because it's really important. It's not just like a fun little mommy daddy thing. It's really important because we're talking about generational stuff. We're here to help you. If you need help with it, contact us. Right? I know that you're a good mom and dad. Cause you're listening to a parenting podcast, right? And I appreciate that. And I appreciate you sharing this with others and I appreciate you working so hard. Let's dig into this. Do what it takes. Look, if you listen to our programs and you email me and say, hey, here's my trigger. Here's what I'm struggling with, I will help you personally with those things, right? Because you've invested your time, your money in these programs and you're working at it. And so I'm investing in you. And we change these things. That's what we exist for, right? So anyway, love you all. Thank you for doing this. We'll talk to you soon. Bye.