Kirk Martin (13:52)
Sibling issues. So here. Sibling issues are usually come from one of two places. One is kid doesn't feel that confident. I've always been a black sheep and so I'm resentful or jealous of my siblings. I'm not going to cover that one here. Boredom though. Brain stimulation. Many of you have kids who don't get enough dopamine to the brain. Their brains are physiologically under stimulated. That's why if they're on medication, it's usually a stimulant medication. So what's happening is in the afternoon, evening, a child's sitting around, especially more strong willed, neurodivergent child and he's kind of bored. So what does he do? He pokes his brother, calls him a name, provokes him. And so what happens? Then his brother says, leave me alone, Mom, Kirk's bothering me. And then what happens? Mom walks into the room. You know what? I don't know how many things I have to do for you. I buy you all these toys and video games and you guys can't even get along well together. Mom starts reacting, getting upset, and then what happens? Dad from another room hears his wife. Upset wives. We barely know what to do with you when everything's okay. But when you're upset, your emotions freak us out. So dad walks into the room. Because sometimes dads, we're not really good when there's chaos. We like a lot of order and structure like our own dads did. And so anything that's causing chaos, we just come in the room and want to shut it down. You know what? I'm tired of this. You go to your room for the rest of the night. No video games, no screens, no anything. Go to your room and what happens? Watch. We think that that's discipline. We didn't teach the child anything. If we taught this child anything, it's this. The child was bored. He needed his brain to be stimulated. And our kids are always looking for intensity in the brain. Here's what we just taught him. All he had to do was poke his brother or say something to his brother. Three people reacted to this one child and they fed his brain. Dopamine hit, Dopamine hit, Dopamine hit. And he didn't even have to work hard at it. So guess what we just taught him. If I need some brain intensity, I'M going to do something negative. Because at school, at home, at church, in society, everybody reacts to the negative. We don't react to the positive. We put our phone down, we come in the room and give our kids all of our intensity when they do things wrong. And so we just taught that child, hey, that's how you get intensity. And so some of you, look, there's no blame or no guilt, but all that reactivity, I know a lot of dads are like, well, he's not going to behave. I'm just going to double down on my discipline. And you can double down. Your child will quadruple their resistance. It's not going to work. Then you're going to get frustrated, you're going to yell. And now a child just owns you. And you, look, there's no blame and no guilt. But we've got to be able to control ourselves or else your kids are going to learn just to push your buttons in order to get that brain intensity met. So what are we looking. So how do we handle this? You know where I'm going with this? Instead of reacting to the child and giving them negative intensity, instead I pull them aside and I'm teaching. Discipline means to teach. Hey, I know why you were poking your brother. I know why you do that. I know. I can see that glimmer in your eyes sometimes when you come at me, you want the reaction. You want to argue because you're looking for intensity. Not going to give it to you in a negative way this time. But here are two things I do know about you. You have a big heart. Now, never toward me, but toward other people. I'm kidding. That's sarcasm. Don't say it. But you can think it. Son. You have a big heart and you love money. Many of your kids really love money. And they're not even selfish. And they're not going to always buy a lot of things. They have big hearts and they love money. So I've got an idea. If you continue to bug your brother now, you're dependent on him because you need your brother to react to you, to meet that need inside. And you're always going to get in trouble when you pick on your brother. But here's another option. I'm going to go get started on dinner. I bet we could come up, we could brainstorm if you come help me out three different ways to earn some money in this neighborhood. Running your own little business. You make money, you buy your own stuff. Give some of that money to St. Jude's help kids with cancer and every dollar you donate, I'll match a dollar. Watch how you do that because your kids are capable of making a lot of money. See now what just happened? Instead of coming in, reacting, sending him to his room, which isn't teaching him anything, I just taught him how his brain works. I know what you're looking for. Brain intensity. And here's a positive way to get it. I hope that makes sense. Here's one more that will help with siblings and also helps with social skills a little bit. Your siblings, your kids need their own place and their own space. And people balk at this one all the time, but it works like magic and it's not hard. I would find a neighbor, ask a neighbor to say, hey, could you give my child some kind of job to do and have that older. I love old people doing this with your kids. Older people, seniors are fantastic with your kids. And we already established in the last episode, your asynchronous kids naturally get along really well with older people. So have them reach out and say, oh man, Jacob, I could really use your help. I'm getting a little bit older. It's harder for me to reach and change the batteries in our, in our smoke alarm. I need some help outside. I need some help moving things. Could you come down to the house for 30 minutes and help me out? I guarantee you if your child goes down to that older person's house, they're going to be there for like three, three hours. Guess who that helps? Everybody in your home. Because your neurodivergent child is going to love feeling helpful and feeling needed. By the way, it counters a lot of anxiety and depression feeling like you have something to give another human being. It's a little bonus one here for social skills, for sibling tools, but also just for helping teenagers, middle schoolers, the whole feeling instead of being so always just it's about me and I've got social media and do other kids like me. You get so self absorbed during that time. It's not because they're selfish. It's natural part of that time. That's why getting them doing things like volunteering at a homeless shelter, at an animal rescue is so important because it gets them out of just making everything about themselves and they have something to give another person. So just think about this. They get to go down to the older person's house, they have great conversation. The older person's like, man, you're such a good helper. I love my conversations with you. And it gives you and your other kids some space to enjoy Time at home when that really intense child isn't there, that time apart is really good. Okay, so let's do this. Look, some of this is just reality in that some of your kids just aren't always going to get it. So guess how they're going to learn. School of hard knocks. There's going to be other kids who are just going to say things to them of like, hey, look, you dominate conversations. You're bossy, I'm not going to play with you anymore. That's hard to hear as a parent because it's going to hurt your child a little bit. But they're going to learn that way. And most of us did learn that way from some of our friends as kids. They just told us stuff bluntly. We're like, oh, okay, I guess I better stop doing that. Look, you can say little things. We had little phrases at our house like, hey, relationships are more important than being right. Because some of your kids are know it alls. And it's that thing of like, hey, look, a lot of men that I work with, we always have to prove our point. I always tell men, nobody cares that you proved your point. All you're proving is that you're a jerk. Right? So it's like relationships are more important like that than that. Look, some of your kids want to be alone and I would honor that. Some of your kids don't care about social acceptance. They're okay being different and feeling a little bit odd. In fact, some of your kids will like that because they value their independence and agency and doing it their own way. So if they're a little bit odd, it may hurt you because you may not like that, make you uncomfortable. Ask your older kids sometimes and they'll probably be like, I just don't care. And that's good. And some of your kids, look, I've got a niece and she's on the spectrum and she literally just didn't realize. She didn't recognize other kids her age. She was into her family and into animals. And so it didn't bother her that she was left out because she didn't value that. Remember, don't impose your own needs. What I want more than anything for our kids is for them to be confident in their own skin rather than trying to change them all the time to be like other kids. Okay, let's do this. I've got a couple more important things that I, that I really want to focus on. Look, if your kids are going off to camp or I know we're getting ready, we're heading back into August, so it's kind of back to school time anxiety is a big issue. And social skills anxiety, it's hard. Some of your kids walk into the cafeteria and just sit alone. I remember when we were living in Northern Virginia, we were doing the camps. Occasionally I would go into school and I would go and sit with the kids that I worked with so they didn't have to sit alone. I remember this one kid, he was awesome. He loved to read. So guess what? A couple days a week, I would just go to a school. I got permission and I would go and I would take a book and he and I would just sit and we'd read a book at lunch. But at least he wasn't alone. So this can be really hard. So here are a couple things I would do. Have the camp leader or a teacher give your child a very specific job or mission to do. Hey, I've heard you're really good at technology. I could really use your help. Could you come in every day, five minutes early and help me with this? If it's maybe younger kids, like, man, you're so strong. I need you to some help moving some things. Do that. You know, if it's at the camp or even in school. I like kids being able to identify as something. So there's some kids who are really into like electrical currents, so they're like the circuitry guy. Or to camp, it's the wood splitter guy or. Or the tech guy. It helps sometimes to have. I know this will sound fake, but it's not to have some kind of Persona. Look, I'm an introvert, but before COVID we did a lot of public speaking, like a lot, thousands of sessions. Well, I'm an introvert, but when I'm on stage now, I'm a different person. You'll notice that with a lot of actors, they're introverts and they're really awkward, but when they get to play someone else. Now, I wasn't playing someone else. I was being myself, but I was. See, I was giving presentations. And look, this podcast, this is my podcast. I control the content. And so I'm confident doing this. And so this is my place, my space. Give that to your kids. Play to their strengths, scripts, sometimes their day for them, and role play. Just normalize that. And here's what I wanted to kind of end on is don't force this play to your kids natural strengths. Work with their nature. Let's stop trying to change everything and get them to be like everybody else. And I'll give you three examples. If your kids like being around older people, let them do it. While other kids are playing soccer and sports you, your kids are like, at a local convention center, at the electronics show, talking to old guys about electromagnetic currents and really cool little inventions or an old guy in the neighborhood. And you know what? They love that. And they come alive. And these older people just say, like, man, you're so smart. You're so mature. I really enjoyed that conversation. Do that. Look, if your kids like to fix things, find an older guy who's a handyman or go to a thrift store and have your kids refurbish stuff or rebuild and resell gaming consoles. Because you know what? If your child, who is a little bit awkward, if he, in his class, he's the guy who's known for reselling gaming consoles, now he's got context for conversations. Other kids are coming up to him saying, hey, could you build this for me? How much does that cost? And when your child's in that kind of space and has that role, it's going to be very. He or she's going to be very, very confident. Could be your daughter making things, craft things. So she's known in the class, in the school as the craft person, as the. As the girl who's got her own business creating, taking old shoes and making them really, really cool, whatever it is. But the point is, play to that, especially with older people. It's really, really healthy, more than you can possibly imagine. Look, if your kids are into animals, I'm trying to think of a way to say this, but instead of trying to always, well, I need to get them to be with their friends and I need to get them to be like the other kids. No, they're happy being around animals. So go to a vet's office and say, hey, I'm giving you free labor. Can my child come by your office a couple days a week and help you out? And while your child's doing that, the veterinarian is going to be like, you know what? You've got a gift with animals. You walk into a room and you know how to calm them. And you could be a veterinarian one day. See, nobody's ever told your child that because they may not get good grades. But a veterinarian, someone's going to see a gift in them. Working, volunteering, working at a farm with horses. Equine therapy is really helpful. And even if it's not official therapy, just being out that farm. And they'll be out there, like shoveling Horse, you know what, and working in the barns and helping out, but they get the ride a couple days a week in return for that. That's so therapeutic. Working, volunteering at an animal rescue place. You know what happens? They find other kids who have similar interests and who are really into animals and they connect with them. That's a great place for them to, to discover friends. And same thing with little kids. Over the summer. If churches have like a vacation Bible school thing, your child would be fantastic with these little kids coaching younger kids in a sport. If your kids play sports, find a coach who's coaching younger kids. And I bet your child would be amazing at that in school, reading to or tutoring younger kids at their school, babysitting. All these things are really healthy things to do for your kids that will build their confidence. So I want you to control your own anxiety. It always comes starts with us. Control your own anxiety about this. Don't freak out. Stop trying to make them be like everybody else. We're going to give them tools. But I want you to start, I want you to start changing the narrative in your child's brain from, there's something wrong with you. We need to take you to specialists all the time to be like everybody else. To say, like, no, you've got very unique advantages and these are going to play out in your life and it's going to be awesome for you. Normalize it. Remember the one from the previous podcast? Of course you don't want to hang out with kids your own age because they talked about dumb stuff. You don't care. Of course you want to hang out with older people. Shows you're curious, you love to learn, and you're mature. See, that's a beautiful thing to say. And then let's practice some of these tools we went through and affirm them for progress. Look, this is the same process for just about everything. Look, I'm going to try to close up here. Thank you for listening to the podcast. If we can help in any way, let us know. Reach out to Casey. Celebrate calm.com. we've got the summer sale going on. It's, I guess my, you know, it's not really. It is a little frustration. It is. We've got over 30 hours worth of materials and insights into your kids that you don't really get anywhere else. And I want you to have those because it changes how you view your child and that will change how they see themselves. And in these programs, there are dozens. You will walk away with hundreds of strategies. So if you need help with that financially or any way. Just reach out to us. But thank you for loving your kids so much. I know this is really hard work. Thank you for working on yourself. All right, we'll talk to you next time.
