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Calm Parenting Podcast
Son Blurts Out, Dad Feels Left Out, Mom Feels Caught in the Middle #523
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So I meet people hiking now who recognize me from our Instagram videos. And yesterday a couple said, I hope you're not offended because your parenting advice has helped us with our two strong will kids, but we're even more glad that you introduced us to Cozy Earth. We have never slept better than with our Cozy Earth bamboo sheets and PJs, and I laughed because it was kind of refreshing not having to answer parenting questions on the trails. So instead we took turns gushing over our Cozy Earth pullover shorts, bamboo sheets and pants. The guy was like, feel how soft this pullover is. And I was like, dude, I know I wasn't lying when I said we live in Cozy Earth and you have to try the new Bubble Cuddle blanket. Head to cozyearth.com use my code CALM for 20% off best selling Sheets, towels, pajamas and more. Make sure Cozy Earth knows we sent you. That's cozyearth.com and cozy earth calm for 20% off so you know that our kids march to the beat of their own drum. And that's why I like the flexibility that IXL gives you. Whether you're homeschooling or just supplementing your child's learning. Every child learns differently. IXL adapts so kids can move ahead when they're ready, eliminating boredom and needless fights over I already know this. If your kids are struggling with a certain topic, take a couple days off and then revisit it until it clicks. Whether your child is tackling new math skills or reading at a higher level, IXL meets them where they are and lets them move at their own pace. And IXL instantly grades work and explains mistakes so you don't have to make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today and at ixl.comkirk Visit ixl.comkirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So your kids are going to trigger you. Consequences will rarely work. Some dads are going to feel left out of the parenting process because they roughhouse or use a tougher approach with the kids. Some moms are forced to try to change their child's behavior because their husband can't control his and that causes lot of issues in the home. On top of that, you may have a child who does struggle with behavior in the classroom. So how could you manage all of this without losing your mind? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast so welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And you can find us and our fall sale@celebratecalm.com and I'm super excited about this podcast because at the end I'm going to share this, a strategy that I've never shared before on a podcast. So here's the thing. Marriage and parenting will likely be the two most challenging jobs you'll ever have in life. Why? Because we come face to face with our own immaturity, our own flaws and brokenness in different areas. Right? Because you never knew you could be this impatient. Because we all swore like, I will never yell at my kids. And then it's like three days later and we're doing that. We didn't know we could get this easily triggered and frustrated. And we're also dealing with a lot of trauma or hurts from childhood or bad modeling. Look, all I knew is what I saw my dad do. So I repeated that pattern of using fear and intimidation until I learned how to control myself. And you'll likely feel helpless and at your wits end with a strong willed child because. Because the normal parenting strategies backfire with these kids, you're gonna wonder, like, what the heck do we do with these kids? And I don't want you to feel bad if you and your spouse find yourself at odds over your parenting style or philosophy. Because most couples never discuss this before getting married. Because if you did, you probably wouldn't get married. So what happens? Sometimes a parent will double down on harsh consequences. I did that. Other parents feel guilty, they second guess themselves and they swing too far the other way, being too sweet and getting walked all over. And now you and your spouse are far apart. But instead of growing apart, I want to encourage you to grow up, see this as an adventure. You get to become a new person. And that's important because you have to live with yourself the rest of your life. And now you get to use this to your advantage and say, oh, oh, I've got some stuff to work on. There's no blame and guilt in this. Progress, not perfection. So let's go through this. I want to go through some common scenarios that sabotage your family, then give you a really cool idea that I think will really help change behavior quickly in your home. So the first thing I want to address is this. Sometimes dads feel shut out of the parenting process, and we don't want that because a lot of times men, we roughhouse with our kids and that can make moms anxious or nervous. Look, if you think about this, if a parent is throwing their Child up in the air. Chances are it's a dad. As a dad, I played rougher with our son when he was young. I'm not talking about hitting, abuse, yelling at or constantly criticizing a child, or doing anything out of anger. It was simple roughhousing while we were playing. And it's a very common way for men to connect with their kids. And if you look up the research, this is absolutely essential for a child's healthy brain development. Plus, it meets important sensory pressure needs. And dads are often the ones who encourage their kids to take more risks and within the right parameters. That's extremely important for, for our kids. I was also tougher on our son in many situations. If he was sick, I would be the one who was like, hey, I get that you're not feeling well, but I expect you to work today and I know you can overcome this adversity. And my wife would be more likely to say, oh, honey, just get your rest. And each response was perfectly appropriate. At the time. Neither of us was right or wrong. Just be aware that men can use that same even matter of fact tone and tougher approach with kids that we use at work to great effect. But if our kids, if we use that kind of, if we're told that we can only use that really sweet tone, then husbands often check out and we don't want that. Sometimes a wife will interrupt or interfere and say, oh, honey, don't play so rough with our child, or you're being too tough on him. And then the dad, the husband will kind of shut down and feel left out of the parenting process, like nothing he does is ever right. And again, I'm not talking about a man who's being abusive or is being actually being too rough. It's just that sometimes we do things differently than our wives do it. And this is very common. And sometimes it's opposite. Right? But be aware of this because I want dads to be involved. So have an honest conversation about this in your home. Again, I'm not talking about hitting abuse, relentless criticism, or demeaning a child. I'm talking about having a more stern tone or physically roughhousing. And being stern is not being mean. So a mature way to handle this would be to say, hey, honey, I've realized after listening to this guy's podcast that I'm too reactive or that I yell too much, that I lecture too much, maybe I let the kids get away with too much, I'm too permissive, that I don't hold boundaries. Can you help me make some small Changes. See if you both can help each other with your own issues that will change your family very, very quickly. There's no pointing fingers. There's no like, denial, like, I don't have anger issues. Well, that just shows that you probably do and denial issues. But we don't want an innocent kid or innocent children being hurt and your marriage essentially doomed. So own your part. Ask for help to grow in whatever area that is. Now, the second dynamic is a really common one in which we try to fix the kid because the parent won't or can't change. And I've received thousands of emails over the years from moms. The first six paragraphs detail the child's behavior issues, big emotions and meltdowns. And then the last sentence is almost an aside, by the way, my husband has anger issues. And I'm like, oh, well, I didn't need to read the first six paragraphs, just the last one. Because if a mom or dad has anger issues and can't control themselves, the strong willed child will likely have emotional outbursts. And sometimes the roles are reversed. But this is most common. So here's what's really happening. A mom has most likely asked her husband to change repeatedly, even dozens of times to work on his anger or reactive issues. Please stop yelling at the kids. Stop being so critical. Please deal with your anger issues. But the husband often denies or dismisses her. So then what? She is desperately asking me. Think about this. She's asking a stranger, hey, can you help me get my child to calm down and behave so that my husband doesn't get upset and yellow. See how that works? I want you to help me change my child precisely because my husband won't, so that I don't have to be caught in between managing everyone's emotions and being the referee. And I want to respond, look, you need to talk to your husband instead of trying to fix your child. But that's easy to say sitting in the comfort of my home. Because what I'm asking a woman to do often is this. Hey, you know that guy who's most likely bigger and stronger and more aggressive than you? The guy with anger issues who gets triggered and melts down easily? Yeah, go tell him he needs to grow up and work on his anger issues. And that can be scary. Depending on the situation, it can be terrifying and it could be a vulnerable and lonely place to be. So I try to help with the child, but it's not right to ask the child to change when the parent won't and put a wife in that position. And I've done that before. So there's no. This is not a guilt or blame thing. It's not like all men are like this. No, I struggled with that, too. So the honest reaction, if you're a man listening and you're in that position, is to humble yourself and say, yeah, I do struggle with that. And I understand why, because most of us had dads who weren't that awesome at modeling this for us. So again, just own that. And I like using analogies with men. When I talk to men, I usually joke and I'm like, hey, if you get our calm parenting bundle, I'm going to ask your wife to listen to all 17 programs. I just want you to start with one. Just listen to the straight talk for dads. Because it's just a guy. It's just me talking to you. Like guys, like, concise, direct, actionable. And I always make this analogy in every sphere of life. Men respect other men who stay cool and calm under pressure. Look, we want to follow that quarterback who in the fourth quarter, when their team is losing, doesn't freak out and start yelling at his team. He just walks into the huddle, takes a knee, and says, guys, we're down by two touchdowns. We're going to march down the field, execute our play, score, get the ball back and score again. And then the team follows him because he's in complete control of himself. And we're the same way with our platoon captain, an ER doctor, a business leader. When they stay cool, when everything is falling apart, that's who we like to follow. So for the next week, be the quarterback inside your home instead of the reactive dad. And often say, like, this weekend, right? If your husband's watching a football game, say, hey, can we try that quarterback thing? Staying calm under pressure. And I did record an episode in May for the wives out there, 10 ways to get yout Husband On Board. So look that up. And I'm also. Every month I'm doing two special quick tips for dad's episodes. They're only like seven to nine minutes long, so I can help mentor men. So ask her husband to listen to those. Okay, what else can you do together so that we can make these changes stick? So this is really cool. I go to hungryroot.com calm and I click our food preferences. Carb conscious, less sugar, high protein, anti inflammatory. And I immediately get 10 plus options. So I choose the Tizi Chicken bowl with quinoa. With 47 grams of protein. It takes five minutes to prepare. It's delicious. No wasted ingredients no stress battling traffic and grocery store lines. That means more time to enjoy your kids in life. Hungryroot is like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist wrapped into one. They recommend healthy groceries and meals tailored to your family's tastes and nutrition preferences. Hungryroot is the easiest way to eat healthy. We love Hungryroot. So go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box. Hungryroot.com calm code calm for years we have recommended having a whiteboard in the kitchen showing all the activities for the week to eliminate surprises that trip trigger meltdowns by your kids and you. Now there's something even better. Skylight Calendar syncs all your different personal, work and school calendars and then visually displays your family's schedule on an HD touchscreen so you can have peace of mind knowing you are eliminating last minute surprises that upset your kids. Skylake Calendar helps us be on the same page so we don't have to change appointments over and over again. Try it for 120 days and if you're not 100% thrilled you can return it for a full refund. No questions asked. Right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to myskylight.com parenting go to myskylight.com parenting for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's my sky light.com parenting I would keep things simple. Maybe you agree on a couple goals for the week. One parent has to practice. Okay, I've got to practice holding boundaries, being a little tougher, not being moved by kids emotions. Remember that your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change my behavior. Saying no and sticking to it, not feeling guilty for expecting more from your kids. And and that's hard for some of you because you're breaking old patterns. Or you had this childhood where everything was tough on you and you feel bad like you're being too tough on your kids. But I guarantee you listen to a parenting podcast, you're not practice holding those boundaries now. Your spouse for the next week practices not reacting, not getting upset when the kids misbehave. So instead that spouse sits, uses an even matter of fact tone and problem solves like they do at work. An easy goal for both of you is this week. Simply affirm your kids for what they're already doing. Well, short and Sweet. Make it specific. Hey, I appreciate you helping me clean up. You know what I noticed how you handle that with your sister shows me you're growing up. Hey, I noticed you lost at that board game earlier. I heard you start to complain, but then you caught yourself and said good game to your brother. Proud of you for that. So work on your issues together so you can grow up instead of growing apart. Have that talk with your spouse and just be honest and say, you know what, we never talked about this before we were married. We come, we have two different childhoods, different ways of looking at things, and we're kind of pulling apart. And I know that's not your intention. So can we agree on a couple things? Just have that honest talk. Now I want to get to this really cool idea that I've never shared before. But I also want to fit this in because blurting out is common with our kids. And this example from a real life mom will illustrate how to get to the root of all of your kids issues. So she said our son was having trouble blurting out in class and the teacher kept making him miss recess for it and sending me endless notes. And my son would come home and feel helpless to change, like he was doomed to always be on red on the behavior chart. And I emailed Casey and asked him to send a few of your programs to this teacher. And the mom said I was shocked at her response because she emailed and said I had no idea this was the root of your son blurting out. I'm so sorry. So she said she pulled my son aside last week and used her language. She said, you know why I like having you in my class? Because you have a lot of interesting ideas swirling in your brain. The hard part is, well, you struggle with short term memory so you're afraid you're going to forget your idea and that's when you blurt out. So I'm going to give you a couple tools to help you remember your ideas. And she uses. We talk sometimes about using talk tickets where you give kids three talk tickets and every time they want to blurt out an idea instead, instead they have something concrete and physical and hold up a talk ticket and the teacher can either say, hey, go ahead and redeem one of your three tickets, share your amazing off topic idea because it usually is going to be. Or hold it till after class. I believe you can do it. And the light bulb notepad. So it's a little notepad with a little light bulb on it because I want to reinforce, hey, you're an idea person. You're an idea guy, an idea girl and that changes the world when you're all into ideas. So I want you to write these notes down instead of blurting out. And she said, the teacher said he's making so much progress, progress. And mom said he's coming home beaming, saying Mrs. T loves my ideas and I didn't get in trouble today. And mom said it just about broke my heart. But I'm so grateful for the small change that has made him feel capable. See, now you're helping the child understand why he or she blurts out and doesn't lose games well or gets disappointed when plans change. What every child struggles with. And you've given your child tools so that your child can feel successful and capable. So if you've got our programs, email Casey. We'll send the relevant ones to your child's teacher or to your own parents or your spouse so they can work on these things. Okay, here's an idea I want to get to I just introduced this in the updated Discipline that Works program and we use this as a family. So in many homes and classrooms, adults create behavior charts with rules and consequences for each misbehavior. But this focuses too much on just getting good outward behavior and most of our strong willed kids live on red so they just stop trying. But what if instead you created a trigger board or trigger chart for your entire family, especially as your kids get older. So you list each person's name at the top of this sheet of paper or a big whiteboard or whatever you have mom, dad, and each child. And then one trigger that each person struggles with. And what does trigger you, what bothers you, what makes you react and set you off, ruins your sense of order. When you take the lead on this, you are modeling humility and working on yourself. Hey, my trigger is when things are askew in the house and you can tell your kids why that bothers you so much. It may be something for your childhood. You just don't have to share your trauma and horrify your kids. But you can explain why this bothers you, how it feels for you, how you typically react. But they already know that. And then most importantly, hey, what are one or two ways you are going to begin responding to overcome this trigger? Because you can practice sitting in the midst of a mess without trying to fix it. You can leave something askew on purpose without moving it. Just know that your strong will child will purposefully leave things askew from now on to help you with your trigger. You can say hey, my trigger is being late. When I was a kid, we got yelled at a lot. If we were. Even if we were kind of on time. So when you guys move slowly, have you noticed that I try to rush you, Then what happens? You guys move more slowly. You're not rejecting me or my authority, you're rejecting my anxiety. So from now on, here's what I'm going to practice doing instead. It's not like you sharing your triggers is going to surprise your kids. They already know. So here's what prompted me to share this idea. Mom wrote, hey, Kirk, we were a little skeptical about the trigger board idea in your program because our kids are only 6 and 8. So we began to explain in basic terms about what this is. When our strong will child, the six year old, blurted out, you mean when you close the kitchen drawers really loudly and daddy uses bad language? We kind of sat stunned for a moment and I didn't know, like, was my husband going to swear right then. But the kids were spot on. So we owned it. And we actually asked what we could do differently. And we came up with a new plan that the kids know and are aware of. So when this happens and we get triggered, they remind us, even though that's irritating, and another trigger, because they remind us of like, oh, you need to sit down and cross your legs. Then we ask them, well, what makes you frustrated or angry? One of our kids said when plans change suddenly and the other one said, when I lose at games. So we've been practicing how to handle triggers differently. It's been a game changer because now we are focusing on helping them learn how to deal with the root of their frustration rather than reacting to the behavior and punishing them. Moms and dads, that is what we are after. Just think how more emotionally mature and self aware these kids are going to be. Your kids don't have to participate in this, but you are normalizing the fact that we all have triggers, we all have our own issues, and now we're modeling for them how to deal with their own issues so they learn how to get to the root of it. This look, I think this is more important than anything they're going to learn in school. I wish someone had taught me this before I was 35 and almost ruined all of my relationships. And I do encourage you. Let your kids listen to the podcast. Let them listen to our programs. I guarantee they're going to get these principles more quickly than you will. They're really smart kids. You're allowing them to be more like adults, you're asking them to take on more responsibility. Okay, moms and dads, this one's a little bit shorter. Let's learn to work together on your own triggers. Just model humility, work on things and realize it's not about pointing fingers. We all have our own issues. And if you can start making some small progress, oh, man, that is huge. And then you start to teach your kids how to handle their own triggers. You know what? They're watching you every day. They're going to see you making progress. They notice, like, oh, my mom and dad aren't lecturing, aren't yelling so much. It's really, really cool. All right, much respect to you all, moms and dads. If you need help with this, reach out to Casey. C A S E Y Celebrate calm dot com. If you need help financially with our programs, just ask Casey. We'll help you out. All right, love you all. Bye. Bye.