Calm Parenting Podcast Summary

Episode: Son Blurts Out, Dad Feels Left Out, Mom Feels Caught in the Middle (#523)
Host: Kirk Martin
Date: October 1, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin dives into the real-life challenges families face when navigating strong-willed children, contrasting parenting styles, and the emotional dynamics that can leave dads feeling left out and moms feeling caught between their child and their spouse. Drawing from decades of hands-on experience, Kirk outlines key patterns that sabotage harmony, shares actionable tips for parents to “grow up instead of growing apart,” and unveils a powerful, never-before-shared family strategy for building self-awareness and self-regulation. The signature tone is practical, honest, encouraging, and laugh-out-loud relatable.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Real Source of Parenting Challenges

• Self-Reflection as the Core:
  • “Marriage and parenting will likely be the two most challenging jobs you'll ever have in life. Why? Because we come face to face with our own immaturity, our own flaws and brokenness in different areas. Right?” (13:10)
• Past Experiences Shape Our Responses:
  • Kirk candidly shares his own background—admitting to mimicking his father’s fear and intimidation tactics until he learned better self-control.

Common Conflicts in Parenting Styles

• Dads Feeling Left Out:

  • Many fathers connect through roughhousing or “tougher” approaches, and can end up checking out if they feel criticized or sidelined.
  • “If a parent is throwing their child up in the air, chances are it's a dad... it meets important sensory pressure needs, and dads are often the ones who encourage their kids to take more risks...” (15:25)
  • When moms interrupt with, “Don’t play so rough,” or “You’re being too tough,” it can lead to men feeling like nothing they do is right.

• Communication Gap:

  • Parents often haven’t discussed their differing philosophies before marriage, severing joint decision-making and amplifying conflict.
  • “But instead of growing apart, I want to encourage you to grow up, see this as an adventure...” (12:40)

The Double Burden on Moms

• Fixing the Child to Fix the Marriage:

  • Kirk relays a heavily recurring scenario: moms write in about their child’s challenging behavior, but the root is often a dad’s unchecked anger.
  • “I’ve received thousands of emails over the years from moms… then the last sentence is almost an aside—by the way, my husband has anger issues. And I’m like, oh, well, I didn’t need to read the first six paragraphs, just the last one.” (23:07)

• The Reality Women Face:

  • It’s often daunting (and even scary) for moms to confront their husband’s anger, leading them to seek solutions from experts rather than directly addressing the parental root with their spouse.

• No Blame, Just Ownership:

  • Kirk urges humility and self-ownership, especially from dads.
  • “If you’re a man listening and you’re in that position, humble yourself and say, yeah, I do struggle with that. And I understand why, because most of us had dads who weren’t that awesome at modeling this for us.” (25:45)

Practical Tactics for Harmonious Parenting

• Weekly Goals for Each Parent:
  • Agree on one area for each parent to work on—e.g., holding firmer boundaries versus being less reactive.
  • “Maybe you agree on a couple goals for the week. One parent has to practice holding boundaries, being a little tougher... Your spouse for the next week practices not reacting, not getting upset when the kids misbehave.” (33:20)
• Affirmation—Short, Sweet, Specific:
  • Offer quick, concrete praise for positive behaviors: “I appreciate you helping me clean up.” / “I noticed you lost at that board game earlier. I heard you start to complain, but then you caught yourself and said good game to your brother. Proud of you for that.” (34:34)

Tackling Kids Who Blurt Out—With Empathy and Tools

• Understanding the Root:
  • A mom shares how her son’s blurting was caused by anxiety about forgetting his ideas, not defiance.
  • The teacher’s shift in approach—acknowledging the boy’s strengths and providing “talk tickets” and a “light bulb notepad”—dramatically improved his self-esteem and behavior.
  • “The teacher said, ‘You know why I like having you in my class? Because you have a lot of interesting ideas swirling in your brain. The hard part is, you struggle with short term memory so you’re afraid you’re going to forget your idea and that’s when you blurt out. So I’m going to give you a couple tools to help you remember your ideas.’” (40:10)
  • “Mom said he’s coming home beaming, saying ‘Mrs. T loves my ideas and I didn’t get in trouble today.’ And mom said it just about broke my heart. But I’m so grateful for the small change that has made him feel capable.” (42:00)

The “Trigger Board” Technique (Brand New Strategy)

(First time shared by Kirk on the podcast)

• Rethink Classical Behavior Charts:
  • Traditional charts focus on compliance and keep strong-willed kids feeling perpetually in the red. Instead, focus on building awareness of triggers.
• How It Works:
  • Each family member lists their biggest personal trigger (e.g., “I get upset when things are messy” or “I panic when we’re late”) on a shared chart or whiteboard.
    • Model humility: Parents lead by openly sharing and working on their triggers.
    • Brainstorm solutions: Family collaborates on ways to support each other, turning triggers into growth opportunities.
  • Real-life example: Parents were skeptical, but when explaining the idea, their 6-year-old immediately identified mom’s and dad’s triggers—proving kids are keen observers.
    • “When our strong willed child, the 6-year-old, blurted out, ‘You mean when you close the kitchen drawers really loudly and daddy uses bad language?’ We kind of sat stunned for a moment... But the kids were spot on. So we owned it. And we actually asked what we could do differently.” (54:35)
    • Practicing self-regulation becomes a family-wide, shared journey—less blame, more teamwork. Kids also identify and work on their own triggers (like losing at games or handling sudden change).
    • “It’s been a game changer because now we are focusing on helping them learn how to deal with the root of their frustration rather than reacting to the behavior and punishing them.” (56:19)
• Key Takeaway:
  • “Just think how more emotionally mature and self aware these kids are going to be. Your kids don’t have to participate in this, but you are normalizing the fact that we all have triggers, we all have our own issues, and now we’re modeling for them how to deal with their own issues so they learn how to get to the root of it.” (57:24)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Growth Through Parenting:
  • “Instead of growing apart, I want to encourage you to grow up, see this as an adventure.” (12:40)
• On Dads, Leadership, and Emotional Control:
  • “Men respect other men who stay cool and calm under pressure... Be the quarterback inside your home instead of the reactive dad.” (29:40)
• For Self-Compassion and Progress:
  • “There’s no blame and guilt in this. Progress, not perfection.” (13:40)
• For Kids Feeling Understood:
  • “‘Mrs. T loves my ideas and I didn’t get in trouble today.’ ... so grateful for the small change that has made him feel capable.” (42:00)
• On Self-Ownership as Parents:
  • “Moms and dads, that is what we are after... Just model humility, work on things and realize it’s not about pointing fingers. We all have our own issues. If you can start making some small progress, oh, man, that is huge.” (58:40)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Parenting as Personal Growth: 11:45–14:00
• Dad’s Role & Roughhousing: 15:25–18:40
• Common Couples Clashes: 12:45–15:00
• Fixing the Child vs. Fixing Ourselves: 23:00–26:00
• Men as ‘Quarterbacks’ at Home: 29:10–31:10
• Practical Weekly Goals: 33:20–35:00
• Praise & Affirmation Examples: 34:34–36:00
• Blurting in Kids – Real-Life Story: 39:50–43:00
• Trigger Board Family Strategy: 51:00–57:00

Final Message

Kirk closes with a signature encouragement to viewers: model humility, make even small progress, and remember that kids learn emotional maturity by watching adults do the same. “Much respect to you all, moms and dads. If you need help with this, reach out.” (59:10)

For further support or resources mentioned, email Casey@CelebrateCalm.com.