C (9:55)

When we moved to our home, we were quoted a cost of over $20,000 for some trees and shrubs, but we just saved 90% with fast growing Trees and they helped us get the exact privacy and flowering trees and shrubs for our specific climate and it's delivered right to our door in days. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers and including us. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. Their alive and thrive guarantees ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off the their first purchase when using the Code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15% off at fast growing trees.com using the code CALM fast growing trees.com calm offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply so Mrs. Calm told me yesterday. I wish I had begun drinking AG1 sooner. My stomach has felt so much calmer and I'm more regular. My Ag one in the Morning provides some consistency I really crave and that's one reason I love my AG1. It's an easy, healthy daily routine. No messes, no blenders. We put one scoop of AG1 into a bottle of water, shake it up and start our day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients. Check out a Special offer@drinkag1.com Calm look, I've got more energy, better mental clarity and AG1 supports my immune health. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. Be an AG1 couple like us AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to start your day.

A (12:23)

With a win, let's rewind this situation and let's focus first on controlling yourself. And that's why I so want you to listen to our programs on the app. The first program, just go through it is 30 days to calm. I teach you how to control yourself, control your anxiety, your control issues, your tone of voice, your body posture, your anxiety, your emotions, all of those things. Because once we control ourselves, it's the Quickest way to get your child to control himself is to first learn how to control yourself. Quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. So we rewind this situation and we control ourselves first. So you know you're going to get pushback, because you always do. So you call upstairs, hey, Joseph, your first Taekwondo classes tonight. Get downstairs. And you don't hear anything. But instead of getting upset or irritated because you've been through this before, right? Maybe some of you mutter a quick prayer, you take a couple deep breaths, and you see a few Legos littering the floor, and they're obviously not picked up like you asked. And so you cringe in that part of you that needs things to be orderly and have instructions followed explicitly, because that's how you were raised. That part of you winces inside and irritates you, but you don't give in to it, though you want to add that to your lecture instead, you grab a few Legos and you walk upstairs. You knock on Joseph's door. You walk in and you sit on the floor, yes, right on the floor. And you begin putting pieces of Legos together because symbolically, you are building now. Instead of destroying, instead of destroying a kid's confidence, instead of destroying your relationship with this child. And Joseph looks at you like you're crazy because he's been waiting for you to stand with your hands on your hips. The lecturing, delivering lecture number 43B as a parent, right, Looking disapprovingly, shaking your head and threatening consequences. But instead, you're sitting on the floor looking down at your Legos. You know, Joseph, if I were you, I'd be anxious about going to a new class, too. Be pretty scary doing new things. And now you've done what you wish your husband would do. Just once you acknowledge that what you are feeling is natural and normal and legitimate. Instead of dismissing, you are right. Instead of dismissing you or saying you're overreacting, he just acknowledged it. And you just normalized Anxiety. It is one of the most foundational things you can do with your child, especially in this era, is normalize it. Stop. Parents, adults, therapists, please stop making it out as if there's something wrong with your child because he or she has anxiety. It's normal. And I just normalized and said, of course you're anxious. I bet your stomach's a little bit upset because going to a new place where you don't know anybody and don't know what to expect, that would make me nervous, too. You should Be nervous. I'm not making an excuse. I'm just normalizing it so he or she doesn't internalize. There's something wrong with me and I need to be fixed. That's really, really important. And your son now looks at you, puzzled. You've just gotten to the root of the issue and you've addressed his fears. You've just assumed the best about him, that he doesn't want to be some defiant little snot who makes their life difficult. He's just struggling with a normal human emotion. And so Joseph slowly climbs down from his bed. And if you think this doesn't work, I did this with Cayce many, many times and I've done this with so many kids. You control yourself, you invite them, you lead them. And he climbs down from his bed and he sits on the floor and he begins fumbling with some Legos because there's no eye contact right now. He's doing something with his hands. And now you get to say that. You know how I know that, Joseph? Because in truth, I'm the same way. I get anxious when I'm meeting new people, book club, or giving a presentation at work. It makes my stomach upset. Is that what it feels like? Uh huh. You get that muted little response with a nodding head. And now you just connected on a very deep level and understood what's really going on. Because watch. If we don't do this, here's what we're going to do all the time. We misunderstand what our kids are going through. And I'm looking, I think I'm looking at a defiant kid and I'm dressed in defiance. And, and the kid's like, this has nothing to do with that. I'm just a nervous kid and I don't know what to do with it. And clearly you don't understand that. So I may as well just throw the biggest meltdown ever because it's really not safe being here with you right now. I'd rather get sent to my room. So you trade pieces of Legos and you begin building something together without saying a word. And you're together, you're sitting, you're connecting, you're building. And now you get to teach. Because discipline means literally to teach. It doesn't mean to send them to the room. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that you punish them. You're teaching. Hey, Joseph, you know what helps me? I'm just like you. I like helping other people. So whenever I go to one of those book club meetings, I. I always Ask the host if I can make some dish or I can do a job at work. I get to my meeting early and I set up because it helps me focus on something I can control. Isn't that interesting? So I've got an idea. Why don't we leave right now? We'll get to Taekwondo class a few minutes early, and I bet the instructor will give you a job to do because your teachers all tell me that you're the best helper in the class. Side note here, this is this example. We're in the moment. But now that you know this is the issue, here's what I want you to do. Three days, four days a week before your child's next Taekwondo class, take your child to that class when there's no pressure to perform and they can observe and watch what's going on in that class and talk to the Taekwondo instructor and say, hey, Mr. Taekwondo Instructor, listen, my son loves helping other adults. He's really good helper. Could you give him a job to do? And Taekwondo guy says, hey, Joseph, I'm psyched you're in my class. Listen, I could use your help. I want you here five minutes early every week when you come here, I want you to set up the leg. Set up, help me set up the cones, rearrange the mats, get ready for class. You up for that? And most of your kids, to another adult, not you, but to another adult, they love helping other adults. Say, yes, ma'am. Yes, sir. So next week when you go, you say, hey, Joseph, we've got Taekwondo. Here's what triggers in your child's brain. Mom, dad, remember, Taekwondo guy said he needed my help. He wanted me there five minutes early. So we need to leave, like three and a half hours early so we're not late. See, that's the anxiety. And now when he gets to that place, he's not worried about the other kids. He's not worried about anything else. He's got his job to do, and he's good at doing specific jobs. And then the Taekwondo guy is going to say, hey, good job. Thank you for your help. Hey, get in line. We're going to start class now. Take a seat. And so you just created a success for your child. He just had a connection with the leader there. Connection with another human helps alleviate anxiety. Do those things, I guarantee you, 93.7% of the time your child will get up and follow to the car because you led him to a place of safety with your own human humility, your own understanding. And you just changed that entire Situation. See, that used to ruin the entire night. True. Because it's 4:45 and you have to get in the car. We got to go, got to go. And now for three, four hours, you're trying to calm your child down in his room. And you just change your child's response. And you didn't make him do one thing. You simply controlled yourself. And so that is how you can change your child's response and reaction. You literally change that overnight. Some of these strategies will literally change things in your home overnight. You know what else it helps with? In this situation, there's a lot of guilt. Because when you sent your child to his room for the rest night, here's what else is going to go on. Your spouse gets home from work and comes in. Why isn't Joseph at Taekwondo? I spent a lot of money for that class. And he starts taking off. Because that was me. I would have been charging up the stairs. I'm going to get that kid to Taekwondo. No child of mine is going to miss out, make excuses, not going when I paid $135 for that. Dollars for that class. And honey, you need to stop coddling him. You're creating all of this. And now you're at odds with your spouse. And your spouse is about to go upstairs and escalate this even more. And now the whole night will be ruined. This child's relationship with his father is now being torn apart, and your marriage is being torn apart. This is real life stuff that happens. And that's why I urge you start practicing this. And I want you to look one of the reasons, and I know this is irritating to some of you when I talk about this, but it's real life. When you invest in something, you change things more quickly. People listen to the, oh, just listen to the podcast. And we're going to change. I've done this for 20 years. Here's what I know. When people invest in the programs and they begin listening and they make that financial and that emotional investment, things change more quickly because the programs also give you a lot more tools than I can give you in a podcast. And you get dad starting to change. This has an effect on your marriage. It has effect on your child's confidence in life. This is important, real world stuff. It's not just about stopping the meltdown so that your night's not ruined. It's deeper than this. And in this instance, it is not disrespect that needs to be addressed. It's the underlying anxiety that's causing the defiance that needs to be addressed. And when you stop taking things personally and you slow your inner world down, you deal with your own anxiety and your own control issues. Now, you're not looking at that defiant little kid. You're looking at an anxious kid. And you can normalize the anxiety. Of course your stomach's upset. It should be. And you can give them a specific job to do, and you can create connection with another adult. See, that's what I'm after, is you're giving this child tools, and this is important, too, to handle the anxiety he or she is going to deal with for the rest of his Life. Because I'm 57, I struggle with anxiety, but now I have tools, so I know how to deal with it. But as long as we're yelling at our kids and taking things away, we're not teaching them how to deal with the underlying anxiety. But I want to give my kids tools so they know when they're 17 and 24 and 35. Oh, this is just my anxiety. So. So here's how I deal with it so these big emotions don't keep happening. So let's work on this this week. Put this in practice with your child. If you need help, email caseyelebratecom.com take advantage of this huge sale that we've got going on. It's a big sale for big emotions. It will change your home. It's celebratecolm.com if you need help, ask Casey. Thank you for listening. Thanks for sharing the podcast. Love you all. Bye.