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Our kids work best when given some flexibility and positive feedback. That is one reason I like using ixl whether you are homeschooling or just filling in some academic gaps with your kids. No matter what your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level. On ixl, kids can explore any topic in any grade level and they're not forced into a single learning path. Our kids thrive on positive feedback and IXL consistently reinforces success. Plus, IXL gives you, as the parent, feedback on their progress so you know where to focus their efforts. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL. Visit ixl.comkirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. Our kids do their homework much better when they're comfy and cozy. Check out wayfair.com for a huge selection of comfortable chairs, desks and lamps to create a little homework nook for your kids. And while you're browsing online, treat yourself with new bedding, throw blankets, or something fun to celebrate autumn. We like Wayfair because they have everything we need in one place. No need to shop at multiple stores. You get furniture, cookware, appliances, bedding and decor all in one place so we can quickly find what we need, Discover some new ideas and get things shipped to us fast and free. All for a really good price. Cozify your space with Wayfair's curated collection of easy, affordable fall updates. From comfy Wayfair recliners to cozy bedding and autumn decor, Find it all for way less@wayfair.com that's WT Wayfair. Every style, every home. So what are appropriate guidelines for screens for kids of all ages? What if you have a child that's kind of addicted to it? How do you go about rescuing that child and getting them off of that screen? What do you do as your kids get a little bit older? Can you give them a smartphone and expect them to be able to control it? That is what we're going to discuss on today's special episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our back to school sale@celebratecolm.com so this is going to be a little bit different and I want to give some caveats, some principles, and then we'll kind of go by age group. Obviously, I can't cover everything in one podcast, but I hope you find this very, very helpful. So first, no blame, no guilt. People get afraid to listen to something on screens because then it's going to be like, oh, well, I don't want it to be a thing of like, well, if you let your child do X, then you're a bad parent. Every family is different. Your situations are different. Sometimes there are single parents, overwhelmed parents, parents who are taking care of the grandparents and you're exhausted. Two parents each working two or three jobs. And so I get it. And so I want to try to go through a range from the ideal situation that we all want to the less ideal and what is very, very realistic. I also want to frame this differently. To me, being tough with your kids on screen is a very compassionate thing to do. You are doing for your child, whether they are a toddler or teen or in between. You are doing for your child what they cannot do for themselves. And you are going to be accused you're too strict. And I would reframe that and say, are you being too strict or are you just being a responsible parent who's doing the right thing? I do not want to make this about fear that screens are the enemy. No, the enemy of our kids is no connection, a lack of confidence. And the solution isn't just, hey, let's take away all screens, because then there would be other things they get into. No. The solution is always primarily relationships. Relationship with you, relationships with themselves. We want kids who have a positive outlook on life, who have confidence, a sense of meaning and purpose, who have good friendships. When you get all of those things going well, then the screens don't become as difficult a problem. Now, there are going to be times where you are going to have to be tough. And I would just call that being the parent. And I don't want you to feel like you're being mean because some of you are just so sweet. And maybe you didn't want to be like your parents who are harsh. Look, you're listening to the Calm Parenting podcast. You're good intentional parents. You're not going to be like them. So a few principles. Remember, whenever we say no to something inappropriate, we say yes to something appropriate. You must fill and meet the deeper needs. You can't just say, hey, you know that thing that you do, that you love, that brings you so much joy? And dopamine hits that you feel in control of and you connect with your friends over. Yeah, cut it out, stop doing it. That's a fine as a first start, but we have to fill it with something else. Realize as well, there's different aspects of screens, right? We would prefer screens that involve stories and that are long form. Like watching movies on a screen is much more preferable to watching YouTube shorts or getting those short dopamine hits of TikTok and Instagram videos. Because there's stories. Even video games. Video games often have stories in them. There's strategic thinking. There's a purpose. You have to work together as a team. Am I saying, well, just let your kids do it all day because of that? Absolutely not. But I'm saying there is a difference there. And I really want you to think about that. So delay, delay, delay, delay. I can tell you as a parent, you will never, ever, ever, ever regret delaying your toddler or your middle school child or third grader from getting a screen. You. You won't regret that. Understand as well that you and I probably have kids who have ADHD or they're on the spectrum. Neurodivergent kids who at times can have more addictive personalities. These are kids who will seek to. They really like the brain stimulation and need it, and so they're susceptible to these things. And then if they struggle with social skills, they can always kind of hide behind this. So just realize that as a backdrop. Okay, Guidelines. So, toddlers, the ideal is this. No iPad, no screens. This is hard because I know so many of you, you just have tough situations. Like, I've got to give my toddler something because I've got to. I've got to cook dinner and I'm taking care of my aging parent. I'm doing these things. And I get that. But as much as possible, I would not give them the iPad or. When your kids are little, this is the time for their imagination to flourish, for them to figure out how to overcome their own boredom, to be creative and explore. I'd encourage you. Let them make messes. Some of you are control freaks and you're neat freaks. And so, well, it's really nice when my toddler is on the iPad because guess what? They don't make messes. Let your kids make messes. Feed their curiosity. I'm imploring you on this because once you give them screens, you open a Pandora's box and it begins to change their brain. And they will always, always, always want to seek what's on the screen rather than using their own imagination. And so if you have done this and you're like, hey, I don't want to do that anymore. Just be decisive. You don't have to have a long talk with them. I'll do a longer talk later for your older kids. But the younger kids, I'm not looking for them to validate or to say, you know what? You're right, Mommy, they're going to be mad. You decisively just take it away. Remember, we have to fill it with games, with you playing with them, with getting outside. If there is a big reaction to it, then you know you did the right thing because you have a young child who is already getting hooked on the screen. Okay, as we get a little bit older into elementary school, again, delay, delay, delay. Get them outside doing projects, having a little side business, helping neighbors with things, lead them outside. But I also want to, as you begin to introduce screens, maybe you're letting them have a certain amount of time on YouTube or playing video games, teach them impulse control. I'm going to give you an example now, and you're going to have to change around the use the time limits that work for you. But it basically sounds like this. So you come in to say you have a couple kids and they're on video games in the afternoon. Hey, guys, this afternoon I'm going to give you 47 minutes to play your video games. Here's how it works. After that 47 minutes is up, I come back into the room. If you are still on your video games or if when I come in and remind you to turn them off, you say, hold on, we just need to save it. We need to get to the next level. You will have chosen to lose your video games for the next three days. I don't care what the time limit is. I don't care how many days you take away. And you can, the first couple times, give them a little bit of mercy because they're probably going to do that whole, hold on, we need to save it. But over time, I want your kids to learn how to manage their own screen time. And the reason I like doing this is because it's very concrete for them and what I can do. And I like the interesting time limits because it sticks in the brain, in their brains. And you're also saying, hey, if you do this, you were choosing to lose them for three days. I do not want you to go through that endless cycle throughout their entire childhood. Hold on. Can I just play for a little while longer, please? I promise, I promise. And then it's just endless fights. I'd rather you just be very decisive about that and handle it this way. Now, when you take away their video games and let's say they just keep playing, you can say, hey, just, I'm cool with this. But every minute that you go over now, then you lose another day. However you want to do it. Just know that they're never going to say, mother, father, thank you for caring so much about us that you're trying to teach us impulse control. That's not going to happen. They're going to be angry and upset, but you take it away. There's no drama. There's no lectures. You know what? If you would have turned it off when I told you to, I gave you so many warnings. When we were kids, we didn't even have screens. None of that even matter of fact, no drama. Now here's what you can add to it with younger kids to teach them delayed gratification. Guys, I'm going to give you 47 minutes if you turn off your video games two minutes early today. After 45 minutes, you set your alarm. I will give you an additional six or eight or ten minutes tomorrow because here's what we're teaching them. If you demonstrate delayed gratification, I give up two minutes today. I get an extra eight minutes tomorrow. Oh, I like how that works. It's a practical way to do that. I would encourage you spend a lot of time with elementary school age practicing impulse control. I've done podcasts on that. It is in our Discipline that works program. If you have that. Listen to that. The most powerful way you can teach impulse control is to model it yourself. And you're gonna have to practice when you're around your kids, put your phone down, give them eye contact, give them all of your emotional energy and your intense emotional engagement. That's what your kids really want. You could call a family meeting and say, guys, look, Screen usage in our home is out of control. And immediately they're going to be like, oh, they're going to take away our screens. And instead you say, you know what, we're distracted. Sometimes when we're supposed to be focused on you, we pull up to pick you up at school, heads in our phone. What could we begin doing differently around the house? Let your kids come up ideas for you, and then if you as the leaders in the home, own that. And when you're in the car, instead of having the phone in your hand or your lap looking at it at red lights, you put it inside the glove box or somewhere else. You are modeling for them how to do this. I would have some traditions in your home that you keep. Hey, technology free Tuesday. Maybe it is that every night between 4 and 6pm no screens in the house. You connect while you eat dinner. Definitely no screens at the dinner table when you're at home. I get it. Sometimes you're on vacation, you're out, you do that stuff. I get it. But overall, try to have some traditions that you do. Maybe one Saturday or Sunday per month or one weekend, you do a little detox and you go out for a hike and you go for the weekend and you say, we're not going to use this all day or for six hours, whatever it is, make progress and let your kids feel what that feels like to be free from that for all those hours or that certain period of time. Now what do we do when we get into the middle school and high school years? Because now we've got to decide, okay, when do kids get smartphones? When do I let them on social media? Let's attack that right now with kids back in school now. Hungry Roots quick recipes are a savior on those busy weeknights. We just had the kids savory beef, crispy broccoli and fragrant jasmine rice with our nephew. It is utterly delicious. It only took 15 minutes to prepare. Hungryroot takes the stress out of mealtime by filling your cart with personalized picks and planning your week of meals that fit your whole family's tastes and nutrition goals. Whether you're gluten free, dairy free, high protein, focused on gut health, or Anything else? It's like having a personal shopper and chef all in one so you can spend less time planning and more time enjoying your kids. Go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box and a free item for life. Hungeroot.com calm code calm so we have a new nighttime routine. I'm genuinely excited to tell you about agz. AGZ is a nighttime drink designed to support restful, restorative sleep. Look, I was curious and skeptical at first when I tried this, but we absolutely love the chocolate mint agz. When we drink this hot, you can mix it with water or milk. It's like a cue for my brain and body to begin winding down for the night. I'm actually sleeping more deeply and I can tell because I'm dreaming more. Want to know a side benefit? AGZ tastes so good I don't reach for a nighttime dessert anymore. And this has very few calories. So AGZ is infused with a combination of calming herbs, minerals and adaptogens to help you wind down and optimize sleep quality. If you're ready to turn down the stress, and I know you are, focus on good rest. Head to drinkag1.com calm and you'll get a free for author with your first order of AGZ. That's drinkag1.com calm so in general, I subscribe to Jonathan Haidt's recommendations. He's the author of the Anxious Generation. Look him up. Fantastic. No smartphone until high school if you can do that. No social media until 16. Look at the research on this. Instagram is really, really destroying a lot of girls. Their self confidence, their body image. It is brutal for them. TikTok awful for our boys and their focus and attention. Snapchat. Just look it up. Sometimes people sign up. Adults will go and sign up as like a 14 year old girl and then watch what Snapchat starts feeding them. There's a lot of stuff on suicide. Very, very sexual. Look, our kids in the middle school age, they are going through puberty and so they are susceptible to porn, to so many negative images that get in there that you and I. Here's the compassionate part. You and I did not have to fight all of this when we were in middle school. Now some of you are younger, so you did. But most of us didn't have to do this and go through this. We had to really seek this stuff out. But now kids can scroll and see all kinds of death and destruction and people being humiliated and violent. I have a hard time and I'm a grown man, so I would encourage you to do that. Now I also want you to know, look, you have to know your kids. Some of you have really mature kids who can handle more, some of you have immature kids who can't handle at all. So you can't use this as a blanket recommendation. But you do have to be aware of this and know that even we've had friends who have teenagers and very, very motivated girl who does all of her schoolwork on top of everything and still starts to look at her own body like, oh, there's something wrong with me. And a teenage boy who's like just starting to get addicted to certain things. So middle school with a smartphone. Your kids are going to want the smartphone. I would encourage you give them a dumb phone, a flip phone. Once you give your child a smartphone, your family life will begin to become dominated. Buy that smartphone and it will become endless, endless battles. And I understand your kids are going to be like, but all of my friends are on here and if I don't have a smartphone, I can't keep up with them. And that's a very, very real concern. I don't dismiss that. And at the same time, I'm the grown up. And the truth is all the other kids aren't. Most of them, unfortunately are in middle school. But that doesn't mean that I have to sacrifice my. Because everybody else, I don't want to say did the wrong thing, but kind of gave in. Yes, they are going to struggle with this, but not suffer. Remember, we've talked about that. I want kids to struggle. Look, it's going to be harder for you. You just have a flip phone and they all have smartphones. And so you're going to miss out on some of those conversations. You're going to struggle. It's going to be harder for you, which means you're going to have to be more resourceful in how you make friends and create your friendships. But see, I don't mind them struggling with that. I want to keep them from suffering. And they do suffer because of the, because of the, all of the images and all of the influences coming in and because it's severely hampering our kids and their ability to find, focus on things for a long time and body image. So how I see it is, yeah, my child's going to struggle, but I'm saving them from having to Suffer it is. I care about you too much to allow this to overtake your life and our family life. So I would be pretty rigid when it comes to the smartphone and say no. And parents are always like, oh, it's a safety issue. Well, if it's a safety issue, just get them a flip phone, because then they can call you if something happens and they can text you, but they don't have all the other stuff going on. Video games in middle school. I want you to know, for a lot of our kids, it is very, very normal in middle school. It's kind of have a hibernation phase, and these kids are going through puberty and there's all these hormones and they're awkward. And so it's not uncommon for our kids to sit in that same hoodie sweatshirt for six, 16 straight days. Right. And play video games. So I'm not saying excuse it, but it's pretty normal. I don't get that afraid of that, of that. As long as they're pretty healthy in other ways. But think about with video games, this is going to have to be very, very quick sometimes. Why do kids play video games? There's order and structure. They know exactly what to expect. There's not a mom video game and a dad video game with different rules and expectations. Expectations. So they have some level of control. Your kids tend to be very good at video games, which means competence. Confidence comes from competence being good at something. They're good at it. They use their strategic thinking skills, problem solving skills. It is often a way for them to connect with their peers. Is it the optimal, ideal way? No, it's not. But it is one way to do it. So when we come in, we're like, hey, you know that thing that you're doing that meets all of those internal needs? Hey, cut it out. Stop it. Well, remember, we have to fill it in with other activities. And some other time I'll do this. I've done it on podcasts. It's in our programs. We have a screens program and a motivating kids program in the package. But I go through this, how we did this with Casey and we transitioned him from being kind of really into his video games because they were meeting all these needs to meeting those needs in other ways. And he started to learn how to fly an airplane, and he got a job reffing hockey games. That got him connection and it stimulated his brain. And he stopped playing video games so much because we met the same internal needs through other positive, constructive activities. And that's why I'm so big into getting your kids to go down and help an elderly late neighbor to do service projects, to volunteer at an animal shelter, to work with little kids because they're really good at that. And I know parents always want, well, how many hours for each age? I can't give you a blanket recommendation. I would say as few hours as possible because I want to be doing other things and filling that time with other constructive activities. So as we get into high school and this is combined with middle school as well. But here are a couple issues. And again, I am in lockstep here with Jonathan Haidt. He recommends no, no smartphone in the bedroom. Definitely not overnight. Let them use screens in a common place. They're going to fight you. But you have to realize there are things out there now. And I don't do the fear thing, right, but there are things that we have to be aware of with AI, with sexual traffic. Look, with little kids playing Roblox, Roblox, you really have to watch because there are adults on there that infiltrate your kids. Your kids are at risk there. And again, I'm not, you know, I'm not like a sounding the alarm, take them all out of your home. But they are legitimate, real risks. And the kids who have a smartphone and screens in their bedrooms where you can't see things or in the dark, they're probably going to get into stuff. And look, you get addicted to porn, you get into some of these things that are happening that will lead you down a path. It's not worth the risk. So I know parents are always like, well, I want to give my child a smartphone because I want them to learn how to manage it. In my experience, working with the kids that we work with, they just can't. And you know how I know that? Because most of us can't handle it. And so we're setting our kids up for failure. Right? It's kind of like handing someone who struggles with alcoholism, hey, I just want to give you this, you know, a six pack, but only have a couple. No, you're setting that person up for failure. It is not a compassionate thing to do. Some of your kids can control it some. And you have to know that about your kids. But the kids that we usually talk about, they can't handle it. So it's not really fair to them to do it. I will tell you that if you delay with kids of all ages, they are going to come after you hard. You know, these kids are little attorneys and they're going to argue and they're going to Be persistent, come after and try to wear you down. And you just have to be the parent. And inside you have the compassionate voice and the toughest voice that says, I'm the adult. I know what's best here. And I can take this. I can take all of that anger from you and you calling me names because I know what's best for you. And they will, I guarantee you, later in life they will. Thank you. Now, what if you have a child who is, and this could be any age, but say they've got a smartphone and it's just dominating your life. Here's how I wouldn't handle it. Don't say, you know what, we gave you a smartphone because we thought you'd be able to handle it, but you can't. And now your attitudes change. We're going to take it away. No, that's snotty. And that wasn't their issue, that was our issue. So I'd rather you be honest. And I'm doing this because mom and dad emailed and they said, we've been through your screens program. You gave us the script, we used it with our son and it was the most difficult thing we've ever done. It was a horrible two weeks afterwards, but we ended up getting our child back. And so here's kind of what it sounds like. Hey, and I may wait and do this on a weekend, not like a weeknight during the school year. So, hey, I need to apologize to you. We gave into the peer pressure and handed you a smartphone when you weren't ready for it. We put something addictive in your hands before you were ready to deal with that. And it has now changed you, it has changed your attitude. It has changed our relationship. Have you noticed that we fight all the time now? It's constant battles all over this. So we apologize for doing that. But I want you to know, after this weekend or as of tonight at 10pm, we are taking that away for, and you could say for four weeks, for eight weeks. It might be until the next school year. Whatever you want it to be, we are going to take that away from you. And our expectation is that you are going to be furious and angry and hurt and you're going to be despondent and you are going to be afraid of, like, how am I going to stay in touch with my friends? And all of those things are legitimate and you should be mad at us because we gave this to you before you were ready. See, now that's an honest statement. And you're setting it up. And what I really want is when your child lashes out at you. And this is going to probably be a process over many days and even over weeks of like, please, I promise, I promise. What if I do this? I. No, they can't do it. Don't give into that. And just know that if you can outlast it and you can have that courage inside, in a few weeks, you will most likely get your child back. A child who is not addicted to it, who's free from it. Not always. I'm not a pie in the sky. Kind of like, oh, it's going to work out wonderfully. But in many, many cases, that child says, thank you because I couldn't put it down. Every single free moment. I was looking at this and I was looking to see how many likes I had. And I was also comparing my life to everybody else and I was struggling with depression because I have a pretty good life. But it's not as good as all those other people. You have to do for them what they cannot do for themselves and so go through that. Okay, I'm going to end it here because I try to keep my podcast pretty short. I think. I think I fit in a lot. Did I answer every question? No, but let me wrap it up this way. Remember, the best way to inoculate your kids against all these other influences that come in from the outside, whether it's porn, whether it's vaping, whether it's alcohol, and everything else that comes against them is that connection that you have with them. Listen to them, listen a lot, validate, build their confidence. Because a confident child who's doing things, has positive, constructive activities and has some confidence and purpose will not be as vulnerable as a child who. Look, if you have a child who doesn't have a good relationship with mom or dad, that child is very vulnerable to going into different directions. So the relationships really, really important. If your child struggles with friendships, look up the early August episode. Or it might have. It was late July on 12 Ways, I think 12 Ways to build social skills with your kids. If we can help you in any way, let us know. We have an entire screens program is part of the 15 or 17 program bundle. If you need help with that or help financially, email Casey C A S e y@celebratecalm.com I will tell you Casey gets this because he lived through all of this. He is one of the few people I know who is capable of controlling his screen time and he turns it off. It is a beautiful thing. So love you all. If you have questions, email, maybe I'LL do a follow up to this based on the questions that we get. And I'll definitely be on Instagram interacting with people. If you're on TikTok, I just don't have time to. Or Facebook, I don't have time to interact there. But we are on Facebook or on Instagram. Calm parenting podcast. And it's very immediate. I'm always there kind of interacting. Okay, moms and dads, this is hard stuff and you're doing it and doing it well. Remember, this is compassionate approach to this. You're doing for your kids what they can't do for themselves. All right. Love you all.