Calm Parenting Podcast

Host: Kirk Martin
Episode: Stop Fights Over Screens For Toddlers Through Teens (#517)
Date: September 10, 2025

Episode Overview

Kirk Martin dives deep into the challenging topic of setting and enforcing healthy screen boundaries for kids of all ages, from toddlers to teens. Drawing on his experience with neurodivergent children and practical parenting strategies, Kirk offers concrete advice, humor, and compassion, focusing on building relationships and fostering impulse control, not just restricting screens. The episode is structured around principles for different age groups, real-life communication scripts, and personal insights geared towards practical, guilt-free parenting.

Main Themes and Purpose

• Setting realistic and healthy screen guidelines by age group (toddlers, elementary, middle, teens)
• Framing screen discipline as compassion, not punishment
• Building resilience, confidence, and positive relationships to offset screen temptations
• Relationship and connection as the antidote to tech addiction
• Concrete scripts and routines to manage screen time and transitions

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. No Guilt, No Fear Approach [09:30]

• Kirk emphasizes an understanding, non-judgmental approach for parents, recognizing that every family’s circumstances are unique—whether single parents, working multiple jobs, or supporting other relatives.
  • "No blame, no guilt. People get afraid to listen to something on screens because then it's going to be like, oh, if you let your child do X, then you're a bad parent. Every family is different." [12:15]

2. Why Screen Limits Are Compassionate [13:00]

• Enforcing screen boundaries is an act of love—parents must provide the self-control children lack.
  • "To me, being tough with your kids on screen is a very compassionate thing to do. You are doing for your child what they cannot do for themselves." [13:47]
• "Strict” is reframed as responsible and caring: "Are you being too strict or are you just being a responsible parent who's doing the right thing?" [14:20]

3. Key Principles for All Ages [15:00]

• Never just say "no" to screens; always fill the gap with something else positive—games, outdoor play, connection.
• Prefer long-form content (movies, story-based games) over rapid, short stimulant platforms (YouTube Shorts, TikTok).
  • "Watching movies on a screen is much more preferable to watching YouTube shorts or TikTok and Instagram videos, because there's stories." [17:40]
• Delay, delay, delay screen introduction—especially for neurodivergent kids.
  • "You will never, ever, ever regret delaying your toddler or your middle school child or third grader from getting a screen." [19:12]

4. Guidelines by Age Group

Toddlers [20:05]

• Ideal: No iPad, No screens.
  Encourage imagination, messy play, overcoming boredom independently.
  • "Let your kids make messes. Feed their curiosity. I'm imploring you on this because once you give them screens, you open a Pandora's box and it begins to change their brain." [20:40]
• If already using screens, remove them decisively and fill the gap with engaging activities with you.
  • "If there is a big reaction to it, then you know you did the right thing because you have a young child who is already getting hooked on the screen." [22:10]

Elementary School [22:15]

• Keep delaying screens. Encourage projects, side businesses, helping neighbors—active, hands-on activities.
• Teach impulse control via specific screen routines:
  • Assign odd time limits ("47 minutes") for memorability.
  • "After that 47 minutes is up, I come back. If you are still on your video games or say, 'Hold on,' you will have chosen to lose your video games for three days." [23:10]
  • No lectures, no drama; make consequences natural and concrete.
• Use incentives for early turn-off to foster delayed gratification.
  • "If you turn off your video games two minutes early, I will give you an additional eight minutes tomorrow." [24:40]
• Parents must model impulse control:
  • "The most powerful way you can teach impulse control is to model it yourself. Put your phone down, give them eye contact." [26:05]
• Create no-tech traditions (e.g., "Technology Free Tuesday," screens off during dinner) to regularly reset habits.

Middle School & Teens [31:32]

• Follow Jonathan Haidt’s guidelines: No smartphone until high school, no social media until 16.
  • "Look at the research—Instagram is really destroying a lot of girls... TikTok, awful for our boys and their focus." [33:02]
• Reality of middle-school video game phase: hibernating, awkward, seeking connection and competence.
  • "Your kids tend to be very good at video games, which means competence... Confidence comes from competence." [38:15]
• Use "dumb phones" (flip phones) as a compromise for communication and safety.
  • "Once you give your child a smartphone, your family life will begin to become dominated... it will become endless, endless battles." [34:20]
• Foster real-life skills and community involvement as substitutes for screen-based confidence and connection.

Handling “Addicted” Teens [44:38]

• If you need to remove a screen/device, do it with honesty and shared responsibility—not blame.
  • "Don't say, 'You can't handle it, so we're taking it away.' That's snotty. I'd rather you be honest." [45:02]
  • Use this script:

    "We gave into the peer pressure and handed you a smartphone when you weren't ready for it... We're going to take that away. Our expectation is that you are going to be furious and angry... and you should be mad at us because we gave this to you before you were ready." [45:35]

• Prepare for tough weeks, but remain steadfast. Many families eventually “get their child back.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On parental resolve:
  "Inside, you have the compassionate voice and the toughest voice that says, I'm the adult. I know what's best here. And I can take this. I can take all of that anger from you... because I know what's best for you." [49:18]
• On filling needs, not just restriction:
  "Remember, we have to fill it in with other activities... We transitioned [my son Casey] from being kind of really into his video games... to meeting those needs in other ways." [40:54]
• On parent modeling:
  "Call a family meeting and say... Sometimes when we're supposed to be focused on you, we pull up at school—heads in our phone. What could we begin doing differently?" [27:52]
• On confidence and connection as protection:
  "The best way to inoculate your kids against all these influences... is that connection that you have with them... Listen a lot, validate, build their confidence." [53:18]
• Reassurance to parents:
  "You're listening to the Calm Parenting podcast. You're good intentional parents. You're not going to be like [harsh parents]." [15:25]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 12:15 — Removing guilt from screen discussions
• 13:47 — Why tough screen limits are compassionate
• 20:05 — Toddler screen guidelines; creativity vs. convenience
• 22:15–28:30 — Elementary age: impulse control & creative discipline strategies
• 31:32–39:47 — Middle school: smartphones, social media, video games
• 44:38–49:18 — How to remove screens from an “addicted” child's life (with script)
• 53:18 — Final reflections: relationships as protection

Summary and Takeaways

• Prioritize filling children's needs for connection, creativity, and confidence rather than just restricting screens
• Delay the introduction of screens, smartphones, and especially social media as much as possible
• Establish clear, memorable routines for screen use, with concrete consequences and incentives
• Lead by example—model healthy device use and self-discipline
• Have honest, empathetic conversations when changing device policies, accepting that initial anger is expected and okay
• Remember: building positive relationships is the ultimate defense against negative screen influences

For specific age-appropriate methods and actionable scripts, this episode delivers practical, emotionally aware tools to help parents navigate a tough but essential aspect of modern parenting—with humor and hope. As Kirk says: "You're doing for your kids what they can't do for themselves. That's compassionate." [55:02]