Co-host (12:09)

So we just moved into a new home with no landscaping. So we were thrilled to discover Fast Growing trees.

Kirk Martin (12:15)

They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard.

Co-host (12:18)

No more wasting your weekend driving around being overwhelmed by big garden centers that.

Kirk Martin (12:24)

Don'T have what you want.

Co-host (12:25)

Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers, including us. Get your plants delivered directly to your.

Kirk Martin (12:37)

Door in just a few days.

Co-host (12:39)

Their alive and thrive guarantee ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus you get support from trained plants plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15% off at fast growingtrees.com using the code CALM fastgrowingtrees.com Calm offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. So Mrs. Kong told me yesterday, I Wish I had begun drinking AG1 sooner. My stomach has felt so much calmer and I'm more regular. My Ag one in the morning provides some consistency I really crave and that's one reason I love my AG1.

Kirk Martin (13:39)

It's an easy, healthy daily routine.

Co-host (13:41)

No messes, no blenders. We put one scoop of AG1 into a bottle of water, shake it up and start our day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients. Check out a Special offer@drinkag1.com Calm look, I've got more energy, better mental clarity and AG1 supports my immune health. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. Be an AG1 couple like us. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to start your day with a win.

Kirk Martin (14:34)

So I don't feel the need to spend a lot of time on spanking because I can give you at least 10, 15, 20 more effective ways to discipline your child. To actually teach without any of the downsides. Because look, the dad in this case gave an extra spanking out of frustration. That's a no go. That is a relationship destroyer. It's humiliating and it's just unnecessary and ineffective. With strong willed kids, it just doesn't work. So do the other 20 things instead. Number five here is what I would rather do. Whether you do this face to face or while playing catch or building with Legos, I would say this kind of in a casual, direct way. Hey, I know you took those $300 bills from the cupboard. I'm not mad. I'm not angry. I get it. I know that you know that was wrong and that's why you hid the bills. Mom and I have to run to the store for about an hour. When we're gone, just put the dollar bills back, $100 bills back where you found them and we won't mention it again. Now that would be a simple, honest way to deal with it. No Gotcha. No big dance, no drama. You give him an opportunity to do what's right and make restitution without making it into some big complicated drama, without putting him in a position to lie again, without having to do the walk of shame in front of everyone. It's kind of a merciful way to handle It. And I know some of you are going to kind of chafe at that. But I guarantee you, you would not want to have your secret adult behaviors exposed because we'll have them. You wouldn't want to have things exposed in front of your family or friends or have to answer for it all the time. You'd be embarrassed and ashamed. We've all messed up. How many of you wish you could have a second chance to right some of your past wrongs? Consider what else we reinforce by handling it this way. I am telling my child, I know you know the right thing to do. I know you're a good kid who made an impulsive choice. I believe in you. That is way more powerful than what we'd usually do with our kids who frequently beat themselves up inside saying, I'm so stupid, I'm a bad kid. So let's consider the two outcomes. Look, I believe in 95% of the cases, the child will just be relieved to have an out and put back the stolen goods. But let's say you come home and the hundred dollar bills are not back in the cupboard. Now look, my initial response would be severe disappointment, anger. I'd be PO'd beyond belief that I went to all this trouble to be kind and patient and calm. And then the little lying thief doesn't even take advantage of my mercy. I would want to run upstairs to his bedroom and lay into him. That's normal. Being calm doesn't mean you don't feel angry, frustrated, disappointment, and have vengeful thoughts. It means you don't act on those feelings because that's what ends up causing pain, broken relationships and situations to escalate. So you take a minute to process this and then you slowly walk upstairs just to slow your confused, angry thoughts inside down. I would consider taking maybe a pencil, paper, crayon or some Legos or something else to my child's room. I'd sit on the floor and begin drawing or building. And I think in this case, I'd let the tension fill the room a little bit. There's nothing wrong with that. See if your child offers up anything. If not, you can start and say, I'm curious why the three $100 bills weren't put back yet. Now, there are 10 different ways this could go. But let's say your child just really digs in and insists I didn't take them. But you are positive that he did. I don't think I would try to reason with him right then. I think I just drop it and let him think about it overnight. I might say the offer still stands. At any point tonight, if you put the money back, this incident will be forgotten and not mentioned again. If you don't, then that is going to affect whether we can trust you from now on. And we will be disappointed. So give that some thought. And I love you. And under some circumstances, I could just leave him in his room to think about it. I also don't have a problem with inviting him to play catch, to watch a video together, to resume your life. In this case, I don't think it's necessary to hang this dark cloud over family life or just over this, though. It would eat me up inside. Like, why is he doing this? Why is he digging in? Eventually you will get the money returned or find it when he goes to school. I doubt you'll get this far. But I would have no problem withholding, buying things for him. Right? Like not talking about starving him, talking about until you get the money back. If you have a friend in the local police department, you could say, hey, if the money is not back in pie tomorrow, we're going to be forced to call the police to come investigate who stole money from our home. I don't really recommend that because it might traumatize your child and I'm not into traumatizing kids. Right, but what I'm saying is you could use an option like that, but I don't think you'll need to. Option two, what I think will happen is you come home from the grocery store and you see the money put back there. Here's what I want you to do and not want to do. Do not make a big deal out of it. No big praise. Look, this kid did what it was expected of him both times. He took the shiny dollar bills. I kind of expect that. Look, do I really expect it? No. But I'm not shocked by it. Right. And then he put them back. And that's what was expected, too, because it was the right thing to do. And you're not raising a sociopath. You're just raising a little impulsive kid. Or maybe a tall impulsive kid. So maybe just a little fist bump in passing and then move on with your day. See, that promotes trust. Because now he can trust that you're not going to freak out when he does tell you the truth and you don't escalate something normal into some major issue and wring your hands and lecture endlessly about integrity and trust. And we can none of that separately from this incident, really begin practicing new skills. We did this in our Home. And it's dorky and uncomfortable at times, but we would role play. Why? Because role play is practicing new behavior. So your kids need to practice verbally saying, hey, Mom, Dad, I didn't do my assignment. I didn't do my chores. Have them practice it. And then you practice not overreacting, not grimacing, not lecturing. And you get to say, hey, that's cool. That takes courage, and I'm proud of you. I like how you handle that. Now, here's something I hadn't planned to do, but we have time. Many of you have those kids who do steal things, and I mentioned adopted kids. I'll give you an example, and you can take this kind of run with it. So we're working with this family and had a daughter, and she would take things from her mom's bedroom. Little jewelry and shoes and trinkets and little things. And so the parents did everything you're supposed to do. Honey, you can't do that. If you keep doing that, you're going to lose X and Y. All those things, they didn't matter. What we have to do is retrain her. Because in a lot of these kids, it is something where they feel a certain lack inside. It's something emotional deep down. And it's a compulsion. It's not like it's a rational choice all the time. And so what we did is we got this little box and we created this cool little treasure box, and we put in it some little trinkets, little cheap stuff from the dollar store. And here's what we said. Honey, I know this is hard. Every time you get that impulse to go up to my room and take something inappropriate, instead, come in, grab two things from the treasure box, and then come and show me what you got. And so what I'm trying to retrain is that impulse that you have is going to be there. I want to grab something. It's physical, it's tactile. I have it now in my hands. And instead of going there, because one of the principles is whenever you tell kids, whenever you say no to something inappropriate, always give them something appropriate to do. And then when the daughter comes and shows, mom, look, with the pretty things that I got, you can say, you know what, honey, that was a really cool choice because I know you really, really wanted to come up here and take something from my room, but instead you went to the little treasure chest. Fist bump, hug. See, we're starting to give intensity and positive affirmation to making the good choices now when the daughter inevitably messes up, because they will. Your kids are going to mess up. Plan for that and take something from mom's jewelry box or some of her clothes. She can go in and say, I get it. That was tough. So what's the appropriate thing to do? And now the daughter goes back and puts it back and the mom, the dad can reinforce and say, I love how you did that. That's the appropriate response. We're not always perfect, but then we make things right. And what you're slowly starting to teach and show your child is you get all of my intensity. You get my intense emotional engagement when you do things well, when you make a courageous choice. And here's one other thing I would add to this. When the child messes up, I would like to teach what we've been talking about here. For her to come and say, hey, Mom, I just took this from your room. And now you get to say, that was courageous because you knew you did something you weren't supposed to, but you were honest about it. Man, that shows me you're really growing up. See how that works? That's how I want to do the discipline stuff. We have all kinds of stuff on this, on that updated Discipline that Works program. But the whole point of that is I want to start teaching kids. And then the main point becomes this. It's not really just about changing the child's behavior, although we did that. It's about building the trusting, the relationship that says, you can always trust that I have your best interests at heart. You can tell me anything, and I'm here to come alongside you and help you. And that is critical when your kids are little and critical when they're teens. And I can tell you it's really cool when your kids are in their late 20s, when they come to you and they're like, mom, Dad, I could really use your help with this. See, that's a higher form of discipline because it shifts it away from about being, changing behavior to being based on a two way trusting relationship. And that's what I am after. So this week, let's practice being the trustworthy parent, the calm, authoritative leader that comes alongside and helps moms and dads keep crushing it. You're such good moms and dads. We appreciate you breaking these generational patterns, working so hard at this. If we can help in any way, just let us know. Okay? Love you all. Talk to you next time. Bye.