Stop Power Struggles Over Anxiety & Trying New Things

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Detailed Summary of "Stop Power Struggles Over Anxiety & Trying New Things"

Podcast Information

• Title: Calm Parenting Podcast
• Host: Kirk Martin
• Description: Celebrate Calm Founder Kirk Martin offers over 1,000,000 parents and teachers practical strategies to end power struggles, yelling, and defiance. Drawing from his experience with 1,500 challenging children, Kirk provides honest, practical, and humorous advice to navigate parenting strong-willed kids, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, ASD, and more.
• Episode: Stop Power Struggles Over Anxiety & Trying New Things
• Release Date: March 12, 2023

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1. Introduction to the Issue (01:20 – 03:24)

Kirk Martin begins the episode by addressing a common parenting challenge: managing power struggles that arise when children resist trying new activities or going to new places. He underscores that such resistance is often rooted in anxiety rather than simple defiance.

Notable Quote:

"In my experience, this is usually pure anxiety. Why? Because anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you can't control. It's a normal human response and actually a healthy one for the most part."
— Kirk Martin [02:30]

2. The Anatomy of a Power Struggle (03:24 – 10:50)

Kirk delves deeper into the dynamics between parents and anxious children. He outlines the internal dialogue that children experience, leading to resistance and defiance. This often results in escalating conflicts where neither parent nor child wins, leaving both parties feeling frustrated and guilty.

Key Points:

• Children grapple with fears of the unknown, potential negative experiences, and comparisons to siblings.
• Parents often respond with rationality, dismissing the child’s anxiety, which exacerbates the situation.
• Attempts to bribe or coerce children into compliance typically fail, leading to increased resistance and power struggles.
• The emotional toll on both parents and children can be significant, fostering misunderstandings and strained relationships.

Notable Quotes:

"We dig in, you get frustrated, understandably. You know What? We paid $179 for this class. You're going to get your little butt in the car and go..."
— Kirk Martin [06:45]

"This is brutal. It's brutal being a parent of a strong willed child because so much of this is emotionally driven, irrational, and there's all these gray areas in between."
— Kirk Martin [08:15]

3. Emotional Impact on the Family (10:50 – 13:23)

While this segment includes advertisements for Fast Growing Trees and AG1, Kirk briefly touches upon the emotional turmoil parents and children alike face during such power struggles. He empathizes with parents feeling inadequate and children feeling misunderstood and isolated.

Notable Quote:

"Now you're upstairs, torn over, like, how did I handle that? What should I have done differently. I love this kid, but he's really frustrating."
— Kirk Martin [09:50]

4. Strategies to Stop Power Struggles (13:23 – 25:19)

Kirk introduces two primary strategies to mitigate power struggles: Normalize Anxiety and Provide Tools to Manage Anxiety.

A. Normalize Anxiety (13:23 – 15:04)

Kirk emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and validating a child’s anxiety instead of dismissing it. By normalizing their feelings, parents can help children understand that it's okay to feel nervous about new experiences.

Implementation Steps:

• Acknowledge the Emotion: Use phrases like, "Is your stomach a little bit upset?" to validate their feelings.
• Use Relatable Language: Replace clinical terms like "anxious" with more relatable words like "nervous."
• Share Personal Experiences: Kirk suggests sharing your own feelings to normalize the experience. For example, "Sometimes I get a little nervous when I have to speak in front of people I haven't met before."

Notable Quotes:

"You're normalizing it, you're not excusing it. So you're not saying, you know what? I know it's really hard. Let's just stay home and eat donuts."
— Kirk Martin [15:04]

"We need to give them some tools. So look, now you've provided some clarity for your child. He's not some disrespectful little snot who makes your life difficult. He's just a nervous kid who's anxious about the unknowns, which makes him normal."
— Kirk Martin [15:50]

B. Provide Tools to Manage Anxiety (15:04 – 25:19)

Beyond normalization, Kirk advises empowering children with strategies to handle their anxiety. This involves reducing the unknowns and giving children a sense of control over their environment.

Key Techniques:

1. Familiarization Visits:

   • Visit the new place a few days early without the pressure to perform.
   • Allow the child to observe and acclimate to the environment at their own pace.

2. Forming Positive Personal Connections:

   • Engage with instructors or adults in the new setting to assign the child specific roles or jobs.
   • This fosters a sense of responsibility and belonging, shifting focus from anxiety to purposeful activity.

3. Preparation and Early Arrival:

   • Arrive early to ensure the setting feels safe and controlled.
   • This reduces the stress of last-minute rushes and chaotic environments.

4. Consistent Practice:

   • Repeating these strategies consistently helps children internalize coping mechanisms.
   • Over time, children become more resilient and self-sufficient in managing their anxiety.

Notable Quotes:

"Here's what triggers in your child's brain all the unknowns, right? Have I ever been to that place? What if it's really loud or chaotic? What if it smells funny."
— Kirk Martin [02:45]

"Ask a teacher, a coach, a principal, an instructor to give your child a specific job to do. Same thing in Sunday school. Ask someone to give your child a specific job or mission."
— Kirk Martin [21:10]

"So, what you're providing is a tool that he's in control of. So when your child walks into that new place, he already knows the main dude there. He's got the personal connection and he has a job to do."
— Kirk Martin [24:00]

5. Practical Application and Resources (25:19 – End)

Towards the end of the episode, Kirk encourages parents to practice these strategies and utilize available resources for further support. He highlights the "Straight Talk for Kids" program, which his son Casey recorded, aiming to help children understand and manage their emotions.

Call to Action:

• Practice the Strategies: Implement normalization and provision of tools consistently.
• Utilize Resources: Download the Celebrate Calm app and explore programs like "Straight Talk for Kids" to reinforce the strategies at home.
• Seek Support: Reach out to Casey Martin for personalized assistance or consult the Celebrate Calm website for additional packages and support systems.

Notable Quote:

"Discipline means to teach. We just tend to go to go to your room, no screens, because you didn't go. And we missed an opportunity to teach him a life skill that he'll go through, even through the upset stomach."
— Kirk Martin [24:45]

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Conclusion

In "Stop Power Struggles Over Anxiety & Trying New Things," Kirk Martin provides insightful strategies for parents struggling with strong-willed children who resist new activities due to anxiety. By normalizing anxiety and equipping children with tools to manage it, parents can transform power struggles into opportunities for growth and resilience. Kirk’s empathetic approach not only addresses immediate conflicts but also fosters long-term emotional intelligence in children, promoting healthier family dynamics.

Visit CelebrateCalm.com for more resources and support.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

[Casey Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

So do you have a child who struggles with anxiety? Maybe they get anxious about and resist going to new places. Right? That's a big trigger or trying new activities. And it's hard because, you know, once you get your child there, they're probably going to enjoy it, but it almost always results in yelling and hurt feelings and a big power struggle. Nobody wins, everybody loses. So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to give you two very practical, concrete strategies that will change this dynamic. And I want to give you a lot of insight into your kids and maybe even yourself. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you need help. Reach out to our strong willed child who's really struggled with anxiety early in his life. Right? And look, I'm 56. I still struggle with anxiety in certain areas. It's a very normal thing. So if you're struggling, reach out to our son Casey C A S e [e-mail] Tell us about your family. What are the ages of the kids? What are they struggling with? We get together as a family, we talk about it, we reply back to you, usually very quickly and usually with very practical insight because that's what we do. It's our mission. We love doing this. If you ever need help with booking live events or with Any of our products. Just reach out to Casey and he'll help you. So let's discuss kids who struggle when asked to go to new places or try new activities. In my experience, this is usually pure anxiety. Why? Because anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you can't control. It's a normal human response and actually a healthy one for the most part, right? When you walk into the house and say, hey, Jacob, we need to leave for your new taekwondo class. Now here's what triggers in your child's brain all the unknowns, right? Have I ever been to that place? What if it's really loud or chaotic? What if it smells funny?

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because you have kids who are very sensitive, they're very sensory, and that can trigger for them. See, some of these things, they don't trigger in your head because you're not like that. And so to you, it's like, look, I'm just taking you to this place. It's not that big of a deal. Just get in a car, let's go. But you've got to get inside your child's head. Here's what else they start thinking. Who's the instructor? Is he going to be patient with me or is he going to be mean? Because many of your kids have had experiences with teachers or other people where they didn't understand your child and your child felt like they were being mean, right? What about the other kids? Do I know anyone? What if they're better than me? Or what if they pick on me again? Many of your kids struggle with asynchronous development, out of sync. So they get along better with older kids, older people, little kids and dogs, animals. But they don't. They struggle to connect with their peers. So this is a very legitimate thing that they're concerned about, right? What else goes through their head? I'm not good at following multiple step processes and directions. What if I can't do what they want me to do? Will I get in trouble? Will I be embarrassed? If I want to quit? Is dad going to call me a quitter or get on me about not paying attention? Not trying my hardest. What if I fail? So after a millisecond of processing those legitimate concerns, your child doesn't answer. So then you've got to walk upstairs to his room and talk to him and he just mumbles and he doesn't want to go. And you respond with rational reasons. He shouldn't be anxious, which only makes it worse, right? We say things, oh, there's no need to be nervous. It's only a 50 minute class. Your brother did this class and he liked it. And now you just stepped on a landmine, dismissing his anxiety like your spouse dismisses you and reinforcing that he's different. And think about what goes through your child's brain. Well, if I shouldn't be nervous, if it's not a big deal, but I am nervous and my stomach is upset, then maybe something is wrong with me. And now your child is comparing himself unfavorably with, once again to his sibling for whom everything comes easy. And so now he's really going to dig in. And so what happens? You dig in, you get frustrated, understandably. You know What? We paid $179 for this class. You're going to get your little butt in the car and go, well, now you just provoked a power struggle, right? And ensured that he's going to dig in even more. So then you start to play lead, you try to bribe him with ice Cream or McDonald's afterwards and you only get more resistance. So then you pull, you know what, if you don't get in the car right now, and then he screams back, I'm not going. Taekwondo's stupid. You're stupid. Which guarantees what? That you'll punish him by banishing him to his room with no screens for the rest of the night because you can't tolerate him being defiant and disrespectful like that. Side note, most of the time, I'll say a lot of the time when kids are being defiant and disrespectful, a lot of times it's triggered by anxiety. And we're going to see how that works in a minute. So what happens? You walk downstairs fuming, right? You're just fuming, wondering why does he have to be so difficult all the time, right? Acting like some disrespectful little snot who ruins your day, right? But it's also laced with a little twinge of guilt because you lost your cool, right? And now you're second guessing yourself whether you handle that correctly or not, right? I just want to affirm you. This is brutal. It's brutal being a parent of a strong willed child because so much of this is emotionally driven, irrational, and there's all these gray areas in between. And maybe you had a more compliant child who never did this, and now this child is fighting you over something that you think should be simple. So it's hard. But now think about what your child's doing. He's now upstairs in his room brooding over why he has to be so difficult and different why everything that others do so simply seems so hard to him. Wondering why he was born, right? Why was I born if everybody's just always going to be mad at me? He's also partly relieved to be stuck in his room because that's way better than having. Than having to encounter all the unknowns at this stupid Taekwondo practice, right? But then that triggers a feeling. Well, what if I'm missing out on something that I'd really like? And so your child's torn. So you're downstairs, torn over, like, how did I handle that? What should I have done differently? I love this kid, but he's really frustrating. Your child's upstairs and he's torn because he feels like a failure and he doesn't know how to do certain things, and he's beating himself up. So now you have two people beating themselves up, separated, right? But the anxiety wins over him. Now he's wondering, what. What's dad going to say when he gets home? So your child buries his head in his pillow and starts to cry. Now, if you're married now, you have to manage that whole situation because your spouse walks in, senses your frustration, and wonders why Jimmy isn't a Taekwondo when you paid all that money and you can see that look in his eyes. Look, I know this because I was that dad who. Who walked in. And so when I give voice to this, I'm merely repeating what I said many years ago to my own son. And you already know what your spouse is going to do and say he's going to barge into your child's room like I did to my shame many, many times, and pounce all over your child. Why aren't you a Taekwondo? You can't just quit at things. How are you ever going to be successful in life if you don't even try? I work hard to pay for these experiences I never had as a child. You're not just going to lay there doing nothing. Get your shoes on. Now we're going, right? And now you have to pivot because you were the one who was just so frustrated in the moment with your son. But now you realize there's something else going on. And if your spouse marches up to that bedroom and says what I just said, it's going to be World War 3 with a nasty triangle of family members mad at each other. And inside, even if you don't swear, you're swearing inside now, because this isn't what you signed up for, right? But now you're caught in a dilemma, and you realize that what your child is going through is anxiety. But if you try to explain that to your spouse, he'll just say that you're being too soft and letting this kid play you and why do you keep letting him get away with it? Right, so he's going to go fix it. But you can't let him go up there with that kind of anger flashing on his face or it will further erode the relationship between a father and his child. Now you've been there before, haven't you? It's not a lot of fun. So how can we handle this differently next time?

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

Take a deep breath. We walk in, we say, hey, it's time to go to that new taekwondo place. And you get the resistance. So here are some steps, here are some scripts. Number one, normalize anxiety, please. Moms and dads, professionals, teachers, normalize anxiety. It's a very normal and healthy response to perceived threats to things you don't recognize. So don't dismiss it and don't try to convince your child he shouldn't feel anxious. So here are some scripts. Hey, you know what, is your stomach a little bit upset? And you probably get a little head nodded, you know, that's perfectly normal. If I were you, I love this phrase, if I were you, I'd be a little nervous too, right? I like the word there, using nervous. It's an easier, less therapeutic word for kids than anxious. You know what, If I were you, I'd be a little bit nervous going to some new place with new people. I don't know. Look, sometimes I get a little bit nervous when I go to a new book club or I have to give a presentation at work to people I haven't met before. You're normalizing it, you're not excusing it. So you're not saying, you know what? I know it's really hard. Let's just stay home and eat donuts. You're not excusing it, you're just normalizing it. You're also doing something really important. You're teaching your child to be self aware so that he knows, one, there's nothing wrong with him. And two, when his stomach's a little upset, it's probably a sign of anxiety, right? That he's encountering unknowns, but that he knows it'll be okay. But it takes the mystery out of it.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

See, I don't like sending this message that we're doing to our kids these days that anxiety is something that they have to fear and it has to define their life. Right? We're taking the mystery out of it and instead of it treating it as if it were some disease. Right. It can be a very harsh thing for some kids. Right? But we need to give them some tools. So look, now you've provided some clarity for your child. He's not some disrespectful little snot who makes your life difficult. He's just a nervous kid who's anxious about the unknowns, which makes him normal. Look, I love these words, too. Of course you don't want to go to that new place. There are all these unknown things you can't predict or control, and that makes you feel a little vulnerable. It's perfectly normal to be hesitant about going. Guess what else you're doing? You're giving your child some words and some concepts to describe what he's feeling. But.

[Sponsor]

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[Kirk Martin]

So how many times do we do this instead? Why don't you want to go? I don't know. Well, is it because. I don't know.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

It's partly why I don't like asking. Honey, do you want to identify your feelings? It's a little too esoteric. It's a little too gushy and mushy for me. Your child doesn't need to identify his emotions. It should be pretty clear to you, right, that he's anxious or frustrated or angry or overwhelmed. What your child needs in that moment is an adult who. Who can help him know exactly what to do when he feels anxious or frustrated or disappointed or angry or overwhelmed. And so two number two, the second part of this is you give your kids tools to deal with their anxiety or frustration, disappointment or anger, right? So the best tool to counter the unknowns of anxiety is to reduce the unknowns, to give your child something he's in control of. So here are some options if you can, and I would try to do this. Go to that new taekwondo place, that new wherever they're doing activity a few days early, and just let your child observe how it works. Let them soak in the smells, the sounds, the sights without any pressure to perform because you know what happens usually. Get in the car. Come up. We got to go. Get in the car. We need to go. And now you're running late, and now you're anxious going there, and he's picking up on your anxieties. You're running red lights to get him there on time, and you go in at the last minute, and now he's flustered, you're flustered, and you're like, go have a good time, right? And he's walking into this new situation where he's never been there before. Everything's overwhelming, it's chaotic. There's all these new people, and of course it's going to be a disaster. But if you go when he doesn't have any pressure, to perform, Right. By the way, some of your kids don't want you to watch them when they're doing that. Respect that. Respect that. Just because you're a parent doesn't mean.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

You have to watch every single thing your kids do.

[Casey Martin]

Some of them don't want to perform.

[Kirk Martin]

In front of you and have you watching everything they do, especially if you are prone to picking out everything they did wrong right after they went to this activity again, as I used to do after hockey practice or a hockey game for Casey. Of course, he didn't want me there, right? So until I changed, right? But listen to that. Respect that. So go and watch and have a snack. Familiarity, which I can't say is a very important. Is very important for kids and adults like me, with anxiety. Look, we're on the road a lot this spring. We're going to different states, new places, different schools and churches and different organizations. And we walk in, there's all these new people. And I am an introvert by nature. I have spoken, done live events, probably 2,500 live events over the years. I speak a lot. I still get anxious every single time. And I'm 56. I've spoken, I've traveled all over the world. I get anxious. It's normal. It doesn't freak me out, right? But the familiarity of getting there early, for me, that's what I. I get there early. It helps me. Here's another one. Form a positive personal connection with the teacher, the coach, the instructor, wherever you go, it's another thing that I do. Look, we all do these things, right? When we go to that dinner party you don't want to go to, what do you do? You go and talk to the host and you say, hey, can I help you somehow? You are asking to help them. You're forming a connection. You're being busy. And so this is my favorite strategy, right? When I go to a dinner party, those things, hey, can I help you out? Can I do the burgers on the grill? I love having a job to do, because then I'm not just standing around awkwardly holding a drink and hors d'oeuvre in my hand, having to have small talk, which I don't like doing with other people that I don't know. So my favorite strategy is this. Wherever your child goes, ask a teacher, a coach, a principal, an instructor to give your child a specific job to do at church. Same thing in Sunday school. Ask someone to give your child a specific job or mission. Now, usually it works better if the idea comes from them not from you. So I would be bold and talk to the instructor or the coach and say, look, my son's going to be in your class every Tuesday. He loves helping other adults, just not me. Leave that part off. But you know, it's true. Your kids are awesome for other people. It's just not for you. Could you give our son or daughter a job to do when he or she gets here every week? And if your coach talks to your child, says, jacob, look, I, I could really use your help, man. I could really use your help. Could you get here five minutes early every week so you can help me get ready for class, you can help me set up the cones, get ready to get the match ready? You up for that? Most of your kids, to other adults will say, yeah, yes, ma'am. Yes, sir. Again, never to you. So next week, when you walk in and you call your sons downstairs to go to Taekwondo class, instead of his brain exploding with the anxiety of all the unknowns, here's what triggers. Mom, dad, remember that Taekwondo guy? He said he needed my help. Our kids like feeling helpful, especially adult type jobs. He said to be there five minutes early, so we need to leave like three and a half hours early so we're not rushing or late. So go there a little bit early. Not three and a half hours, but get there early. It's better for everybody. Now when your child walks into that new place, he already knows the main dude there. He's got the personal connection and he has a job to do. So his brain is focused on completing that job, which your kids tend to be very good at doing. So he's completing a job that's in his control. Rather than focusing on all the unknowns, he feels important. He's completed a task, we just created a success. And the instructor gets to give him a fist bump and says, hey, nice job, Jacob. And now I promise you, you would see your child breathe, exhale this big breath of relief, Right? He's there. He did it. He's still a little anxious, but now he knows that's normal and he knows how to combat that, how to deal with that. You just gave him a tool that. This is what's beautiful about this look. When you react, when we react to, to our kids and we assume the worst, you're just being defiant little snot. You need to get with the program, get in the car. You need to go, right? And we assume the worst and we miss this whole opportunity because usually it ends in this big power struggle. We're arguing because we're Doing too soft on him. He needs to get learn all these things, and we're yelling and we miss it. In this case, I just taught him a lifelong skill. I normalize the anxiety. And now when you're older, when you're at college, when you're in your 20s, 30s, 40, 50s, 60s, 70s, probably in the 80s, now you know how to deal with the anxiety so it doesn't hold you back. So when your child takes his place, the instructor knows his name, he's there. See, I would repeat this process everywhere your child goes. And eventually he'll know to do it himself. And instead of constant meltdowns, constant power struggles, parents at odds with each other, now we have a more resilient child who knows he can handle these situations because you just taught him. Discipline means to teach. We just tend to go to go to your room, no screens, because you didn't go. And we missed an opportunity to teach him a life skill that he'll go through, even through the upset stomach, which I experience on all my live events, and he'll be proud of himself and he'll be hopeful for the future, knowing we can do this. And if you can do this either alone or if you do this with your spouse, this is a game changer in your home, right? Because these things happen all the time. So I encourage you, practice this this week. Use these principles. Practice this. If you need more concrete tools like this, ask Casey for help or just go to the website, celebratehome.com just get the Everything package. It comes on an app. It's easy to listen to. You both can listen to it on the app. You can share it with teachers, you can share it with your own parents. Your kids can listen to these things. Look, for your child to actually even hear this podcast, perhaps for them to know, oh, that guy gets me. Right? That makes sense. Now I understand why I do that and how I can help. Let your kids listen to some of the programs. Our most popular program is called Straight Talk for Kids.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

It's the one that Casey, our son, recorded for your kids to listen to. That's in the package. It comes on the app, so download it to your child's phone. That way at least he's doing something constructive. Listen, if you need help, let us know. I'll do a phone consult with you. But practice this stuff. Work on it together in your home, and if you have any questions, just reach out to us. We're here to help. Anyway, thank you. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for what's that thing I'm supposed to ask you to do to give us five stars if you enjoy the podcast so more people can find it. Anyway, love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye.