Transcript
Kirk Martin (0:00)
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This holiday season, invest in your skin's long term health because healthy aging is a gift. So if you have a strong willed child, you are going to have power struggles. No matter how old they are, it is going to happen. They will resist you, you will try to change them in their nature and you're going to likely second guess yourself about what are proper expectations that they're at the various stages of their development and what should you really focus on and what should you let go at every age? That is what we're going to focus on on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. You can find us@celebratecalm.com you can also find our Christmas sale there. And Casey is putting together a really cool podcast directory that'll give you, if you go to the podcast section tab, there's a directory there. So if you're looking for things on sibling fights or on motivating teens, or on toddlers or for dad ads, you'll see that there. So I could spend 35 hours giving you tips and tools for kids, kids of all ages. So I asked myself in most homes, what would be the top three things I would work on with each age group. So I hope this helps you prioritize and set proper expectations so you don't beat yourself up over this and so you don't beat your kids up over this as well. So, because I want you to enjoy these kids. So let's say toddlers and kids under the age of seven. And again, these are arbitrary ages, but in general. So look, I was working with his family and his dad was like, well, when's my toddler going to learn how to be successful? When's my 7 year old going to learn to be responsible? And I was like, dad, chill a little bit. Do me a favor. I want you to write a job description for your child. Like, if you were hiring a 4 year old or 6 year old, what would be their job description? And here's what it is to be curious, to explore, to get into things, to make messes and to ruin your agenda as a parent. You know that checklist you have every morning of all the things you need to get done? Yeah. That's not going to happen with little kids. Look, little kids are not supposed to be productive or efficient. So stop projecting your 35 or 40 year old expectations onto a little kid or a teenager. Your house should be a mess when you have little kids running around. So you kind of have two options. You can fight this, you can fight their nature, but it won't work. You'll have a strained relationship with this child. You'll stop enjoying them. Your house will still be messy and you still won't get everything done on your checklist because likely that will make the meltdowns even bigger and longer. Or you can plan for it and know this is what it's supposed to be like. And instead of having that long checklist, you prioritize and you focus on the right things and you build time into your schedule for stuff to go wrong, because that's what's supposed to happen no matter how good a parent you are. And stop following those people on Instagram and having friends with the moms who have it all together and they have three kids and she does everything and it's all perfect. That's not reality. Or maybe that parent has like compliant, easy kids because they weren't capable of handling a more difficult child. Who knows? But stop comparing yourself even to your own childhood and being judged by your own mother or father over things. Build time into your schedule instead of trying to force it. You will begin to enjoy your strong willed child. Now, you still won't get everything done, but you'll get the important things done. And your house is still going to be a mess. Just let that go. Look, it would be weird if you had a little kid who listened all the time or the first time. They are supposed to be up in their imaginations picturing things and exploring things and they're supposed to be impulsive. That's when you want them to be impulsive, not when they're 35. So you will get the call from the preschool you are. If you have a strong willed preschooler toddler, when they first go into an organized setting, they're not going to sit still and follow the directions all the time. And don't freak out. Oh well, your child can't sit still in circle time. Oh, what are we going to do? Why can't our child do that? Because it's unnatural and it's. Circle time is stupid because after you're five or seven for the rest of your life, you never have to sit still in a circle, right? Nobody at your corporate office is going to be like, hey Frank, Mary, 3 o'clock in the conference room, circle time. So don't freak out about those things. It's normal. By the way, no screens for little kids. There's no judgment in this because some of you have really tough situations and sometimes you need some help with that. But as long as you can, delay, delay, expect tantrums. Little kids are supposed to throw tantrums. Tantrums are not meltdowns. Meltdowns are emotional. Kids are completely out of control. I've been through this a million times on the podcast and the programs how to deal with meltdowns. Tantrums are rational. I want something, you won't give it to me. So now I'm going to throw myself on the floor, especially in public, to embarrass you and I'm going to yell and scream so loudly that you finally give in and give me what I want. Instead, I just want you to sit in the midst of the tantrum. And I really mean that. Sit, smile, don't Give in. Look, the sooner your kids learn that tantrums don't work, the sooner they will stop. Because remember, your behavior does not change my behavior. Your mood does not determine my mood. Use earplugs, Moms for Christmas. Ask for noise canceling headphones. And I mean that. And I just got this question right before I did the podcast from two parents of like, they said, oh, my husband's upset that when he comes home the house is a mess. And I have three responses, and I hope this one does not offend you. I talk to him very bluntly, say, hey, if this bothers you so much, why don't you freaking pitch in and help me out? Be concise and direct. You don't have to use the F word. But I like to talk to men like men talk to men, because that's how we talk to each other and we tend to respect that. So don't be afraid to do that. Second option, next time your husband starts complaining about the mess in the home, you could say, you know, I was just wondering why it's taking you so long to get a promotion. Because, you know, if you worked harder, do you think you get a raise? It's so hard living on the same paycheck for the past six months now that will ignite World War three. So you could do it the nice way and say, honey, I don't think you realize this, but when you come home and you complain about the house not being clean or about meals, you're denigrating my work. Work that I take seriously. It hurts and it's not motivating. It would be like me asking you every day when you come home why you didn't get a promotion or how long is it going to be before you get a ra? You'd be hurt and you'd get angry. Now the third option is just hire a cleaner and if your spouse balks, then give them a choice, hey, either we pay for this or you pitch in or the house is just going to be a mess. But don't worry about that stuff right now. It's not important. I know your mom and other people may judge you, but I'm not going to judge you and your kids don't care. Enjoy your kids. Now, some things for toddlers I'm going to cover. Now when we get to like elementary school age and we'll just call this roughly ages 8 to 12, you can use some of for your toddlers because if you have a strong willed toddler, they're like four going on 24. So why not? So I mentioned this before. Young kids, they're supposed to be impulsive. They're supposed to get in trouble. That's what they do. It's the time of life when you learn by doing things and pushing the limits. And they're going to lie sometimes and they're going to steal things and they're going to misbehave. And it's just part of the process, how it's supposed to work. Number one thing for this age, give these kids tools to succeed rather than just punishing them for failure. What we tend to do is we react to the misbehavior. Oh, if you keep doing that, you're going to lose X. And we never take the time to teach and show them how to do it differently. So rather than just reacting to misbehavior, I'd rather be proactive and give them tools to succeed. And I want to give a lot more energy to affirming for good choices. So this next week, let's just do this. Create successes. Put your child in a position to be successful, to complete missions that they're actually good at, and then put a lot more energy into. Hey, fist bump. Hey, nice job. Really good job with that. So what are some missions, some specific jobs to do that your child will succeed in doing? Hey, Tony, I could really use your help doing X. I give them challenges, do treasure hunts, say, bet you can't do do X, and then have them complete missions that in an area of their strength. Many of your kids are really good at doing missions. I'm not talking about doing chores, but a mission. Hey, this is hard because it stimulates their brain and they want to do it in a different way. So find a lot of things to say yes to within your boundaries. Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, say yes to something appropriate. When I say no, it's like, hey, that's. That's not happening in my home. But I really love your energy. Do you think you could go outside? I don't know if you're strong enough to do this, but do you think you're strong enough to move a couple bags of mulch to the other side of the yard? Could you do give them missions and then come out and say, dude, I didn't know you could do that. Well done, fist bump. And that's number two. Affirm and give positive intensity to the good choices. Do that in a purposeful way. For the next two weeks, catch your kids making good choices. Give fist bumps. Well done. That shows me you're growing up and remember when we praise strong will kids even matter of fact short and sweet because if you say oh honey, you did such a good job, it sounds like this them we never thought you'd actually make a good choice and you just did. So we're going to have a party for you. No just expect it even matter of fact, boom. Not a lot of attention. Walk out of the room. Number three. Look for opportunities for your kids to get good sensory pressure and exercise. That means climbing, crawling, lifting, pulling, pushing things appropriately, right? Get your kids a lot of sensory pressure. Rock climbing, gymnastics, martial arts can be extremely helpful. Having an obstacle course in the backyard or in the basement to go through can be really helpful to work on as well. Okay, I'm going to add a couple more things for those younger kids as well.