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Calm Parenting Podcast
Stop Power Struggles with Toddlers, Teens & In-Between
00:26:51
If you have a strong-willed child, you WILL have power struggles (no matter their age!). You’ll likely second-guess yourself, feel frustrated, and disagree with your spouse. So what are appropriate expectations at various stages of kids’ development? What should you focus on and what should you let go, from the toddler through the teenage years? Kirk gives you specifics that will help stop these power struggles.
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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
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This holiday season, invest in your skin's long term health because healthy aging is a gift. So if you have a strong willed child, you are going to have power struggles. No matter how old they are, it is going to happen. They will resist you, you will try to change them in their nature and you're going to likely second guess yourself about what are proper expectations that they're at the various stages of their development and what should you really focus on and what should you let go at every age? That is what we're going to focus on on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. You can find us@celebratecalm.com you can also find our Christmas sale there. And Casey is putting together a really cool podcast directory that'll give you, if you go to the podcast section tab, there's a directory there. So if you're looking for things on sibling fights or on motivating teens, or on toddlers or for dad ads, you'll see that there. So I could spend 35 hours giving you tips and tools for kids, kids of all ages. So I asked myself in most homes, what would be the top three things I would work on with each age group. So I hope this helps you prioritize and set proper expectations so you don't beat yourself up over this and so you don't beat your kids up over this as well. So, because I want you to enjoy these kids. So let's say toddlers and kids under the age of seven. And again, these are arbitrary ages, but in general. So look, I was working with his family and his dad was like, well, when's my toddler going to learn how to be successful? When's my 7 year old going to learn to be responsible? And I was like, dad, chill a little bit. Do me a favor. I want you to write a job description for your child. Like, if you were hiring a 4 year old or 6 year old, what would be their job description? And here's what it is to be curious, to explore, to get into things, to make messes and to ruin your agenda as a parent. You know that checklist you have every morning of all the things you need to get done? Yeah. That's not going to happen with little kids. Look, little kids are not supposed to be productive or efficient. So stop projecting your 35 or 40 year old expectations onto a little kid or a teenager. Your house should be a mess when you have little kids running around. So you kind of have two options. You can fight this, you can fight their nature, but it won't work. You'll have a strained relationship with this child. You'll stop enjoying them. Your house will still be messy and you still won't get everything done on your checklist because likely that will make the meltdowns even bigger and longer. Or you can plan for it and know this is what it's supposed to be like. And instead of having that long checklist, you prioritize and you focus on the right things and you build time into your schedule for stuff to go wrong, because that's what's supposed to happen no matter how good a parent you are. And stop following those people on Instagram and having friends with the moms who have it all together and they have three kids and she does everything and it's all perfect. That's not reality. Or maybe that parent has like compliant, easy kids because they weren't capable of handling a more difficult child. Who knows? But stop comparing yourself even to your own childhood and being judged by your own mother or father over things. Build time into your schedule instead of trying to force it. You will begin to enjoy your strong willed child. Now, you still won't get everything done, but you'll get the important things done. And your house is still going to be a mess. Just let that go. Look, it would be weird if you had a little kid who listened all the time or the first time. They are supposed to be up in their imaginations picturing things and exploring things and they're supposed to be impulsive. That's when you want them to be impulsive, not when they're 35. So you will get the call from the preschool you are. If you have a strong willed preschooler toddler, when they first go into an organized setting, they're not going to sit still and follow the directions all the time. And don't freak out. Oh well, your child can't sit still in circle time. Oh, what are we going to do? Why can't our child do that? Because it's unnatural and it's. Circle time is stupid because after you're five or seven for the rest of your life, you never have to sit still in a circle, right? Nobody at your corporate office is going to be like, hey Frank, Mary, 3 o'clock in the conference room, circle time. So don't freak out about those things. It's normal. By the way, no screens for little kids. There's no judgment in this because some of you have really tough situations and sometimes you need some help with that. But as long as you can, delay, delay, expect tantrums. Little kids are supposed to throw tantrums. Tantrums are not meltdowns. Meltdowns are emotional. Kids are completely out of control. I've been through this a million times on the podcast and the programs how to deal with meltdowns. Tantrums are rational. I want something, you won't give it to me. So now I'm going to throw myself on the floor, especially in public, to embarrass you and I'm going to yell and scream so loudly that you finally give in and give me what I want. Instead, I just want you to sit in the midst of the tantrum. And I really mean that. Sit, smile, don't Give in. Look, the sooner your kids learn that tantrums don't work, the sooner they will stop. Because remember, your behavior does not change my behavior. Your mood does not determine my mood. Use earplugs, Moms for Christmas. Ask for noise canceling headphones. And I mean that. And I just got this question right before I did the podcast from two parents of like, they said, oh, my husband's upset that when he comes home the house is a mess. And I have three responses, and I hope this one does not offend you. I talk to him very bluntly, say, hey, if this bothers you so much, why don't you freaking pitch in and help me out? Be concise and direct. You don't have to use the F word. But I like to talk to men like men talk to men, because that's how we talk to each other and we tend to respect that. So don't be afraid to do that. Second option, next time your husband starts complaining about the mess in the home, you could say, you know, I was just wondering why it's taking you so long to get a promotion. Because, you know, if you worked harder, do you think you get a raise? It's so hard living on the same paycheck for the past six months now that will ignite World War three. So you could do it the nice way and say, honey, I don't think you realize this, but when you come home and you complain about the house not being clean or about meals, you're denigrating my work. Work that I take seriously. It hurts and it's not motivating. It would be like me asking you every day when you come home why you didn't get a promotion or how long is it going to be before you get a ra? You'd be hurt and you'd get angry. Now the third option is just hire a cleaner and if your spouse balks, then give them a choice, hey, either we pay for this or you pitch in or the house is just going to be a mess. But don't worry about that stuff right now. It's not important. I know your mom and other people may judge you, but I'm not going to judge you and your kids don't care. Enjoy your kids. Now, some things for toddlers I'm going to cover. Now when we get to like elementary school age and we'll just call this roughly ages 8 to 12, you can use some of for your toddlers because if you have a strong willed toddler, they're like four going on 24. So why not? So I mentioned this before. Young kids, they're supposed to be impulsive. They're supposed to get in trouble. That's what they do. It's the time of life when you learn by doing things and pushing the limits. And they're going to lie sometimes and they're going to steal things and they're going to misbehave. And it's just part of the process, how it's supposed to work. Number one thing for this age, give these kids tools to succeed rather than just punishing them for failure. What we tend to do is we react to the misbehavior. Oh, if you keep doing that, you're going to lose X. And we never take the time to teach and show them how to do it differently. So rather than just reacting to misbehavior, I'd rather be proactive and give them tools to succeed. And I want to give a lot more energy to affirming for good choices. So this next week, let's just do this. Create successes. Put your child in a position to be successful, to complete missions that they're actually good at, and then put a lot more energy into. Hey, fist bump. Hey, nice job. Really good job with that. So what are some missions, some specific jobs to do that your child will succeed in doing? Hey, Tony, I could really use your help doing X. I give them challenges, do treasure hunts, say, bet you can't do do X, and then have them complete missions that in an area of their strength. Many of your kids are really good at doing missions. I'm not talking about doing chores, but a mission. Hey, this is hard because it stimulates their brain and they want to do it in a different way. So find a lot of things to say yes to within your boundaries. Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, say yes to something appropriate. When I say no, it's like, hey, that's. That's not happening in my home. But I really love your energy. Do you think you could go outside? I don't know if you're strong enough to do this, but do you think you're strong enough to move a couple bags of mulch to the other side of the yard? Could you do give them missions and then come out and say, dude, I didn't know you could do that. Well done, fist bump. And that's number two. Affirm and give positive intensity to the good choices. Do that in a purposeful way. For the next two weeks, catch your kids making good choices. Give fist bumps. Well done. That shows me you're growing up and remember when we praise strong will kids even matter of fact short and sweet because if you say oh honey, you did such a good job, it sounds like this them we never thought you'd actually make a good choice and you just did. So we're going to have a party for you. No just expect it even matter of fact, boom. Not a lot of attention. Walk out of the room. Number three. Look for opportunities for your kids to get good sensory pressure and exercise. That means climbing, crawling, lifting, pulling, pushing things appropriately, right? Get your kids a lot of sensory pressure. Rock climbing, gymnastics, martial arts can be extremely helpful. Having an obstacle course in the backyard or in the basement to go through can be really helpful to work on as well. Okay, I'm going to add a couple more things for those younger kids as well.
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Gemini
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- [15:03]
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- [15:09]
Kirk Martin
Number four moms and dads let's work on your own control issues now. While your kids are young, give your kids space to do things differently than you would within your boundaries. Just make your boundaries a little bigger. I know it's going to irritate you, but it's an opportunity to work on your own control issues and your own anxiety and that will liberate you, that will stop most of the power struggles. Am I saying power struggles are your fault? Yes, I'm kidding. That I am. And I'm not. Right. You know, I don't do blame or guilt. But I promise you, when you start working on your own issues, so many of these power struggles go away and you just have to grit your teeth and say, not the way I would do it. But they did it and they got it done. But they use their own brains in a creative way to get it done. Or they waited till the last minute and that just bugged you. Work on your own stuff. Number four. Look, your own childhood issues are going to come up during this process. And what you're going to find is by treating your kids this way, by being patient and understanding, but also by being firm. Right. You know, we don't let kids get away with things. I just do firm, even matter of fact discipline. You will heal your own childhood issues in many ways by treating your own kids the way you always wanted to be treated. And after the new year, I'm going to do a couple podcasts on this because many of you, you didn't, you weren't allowed to have a voice as a kid and you struggled with that your whole life. And now you're allowing your kids to have that voice. And it's a really beautiful healing thing for your child, but also for kind of like that inner child inside of you. And here's another one. I don't have time to deal with it right now. I've done it before. But just know during this age you're probably going to feel like the referee between siblings and sometimes between a spouse and your strong will child. And I know that's exhausting and we've covered that before because I want you to give your kids space to work out issues on their own. And I want you to be, be more direct with your spouse to say this isn't working, but know that that's a reality. Okay. When we get to the teen and tween years, a few expectations, expect to dislike how they smell, especially if they play ice hockey like our son. Expect to dislike how they spend their time. They are. Look, I'll just be honest. If you have a middle school aged boy in particular, particular you're going to look at this child and say, what do they actually do in life? They're just, like, in this hibernation phase. And you're going to be tempted at times with these kids to look at them and say, oh, if you would just apply yourself, you're capable of so much more. And it won't work with these kids. They will shut down. They know they can't please you anyway. Relax a little bit. Does that mean you let them get away with things, not do anything? No, it just means that this is very, very normal for kids to be unmotivated that age. And some of these kids are going to sit in a hoodie sweatshirt for 17 straight days just looking at their screens. So we'll get to how to handle that in a minute. But know that that is pretty normal. Here's one of the tough parts is your teens. Kids get a little bit older, you're going to be confused because you see them in these, like, adult bodies. They're going to be, like, towering over you sometimes. But they still have a prefrontal cortex that is very underdeveloped. It's not fully developed until they're, like, 27. So you're seeing, like, these big kids, right? And these voices are changing, and they want all this independence, but they're thoroughly unequipped to handle it. They're very, very impulsive and awkward. Normalize that for them. This is a really awkward time of life. Let them know that. Expect them to be moody. Expect them to not want to do things with you as a family. And don't take it personally. This is where we have to transition from being mommy and daddy to being mom and dad. They're trying to figure out their independence, and it's scary, and they're not going to do it the right way. You know why? Because this is the first time that they're actually doing this in life, and it's the first time you're likely handling this in life. So you're going to mess up a lot. So be. It's almost. You almost need to be more patient with tweens and teens than with little kids in some ways. So a few things. One, control your own anxiety about their future. Create a vision of who they can be. Stop the lecturing and projecting your anxiety about their future onto them, because they'll just shut down. And I promise, if you start speaking with some wisdom and say, hey, I know it's tough right now. I know it's awkward. I know you're not motivated right now, but I see these great traits in you. And I know that one day when you get a vision for your life, you're going to crush it. And then you walk out of the room and you give them a vision of who they can be and who they will be, not who they are right now. Accept that this is their path and that it's going to be very different than your path. I encourage you if you don't. This would be my one commercial. Go through our programs and if you have a teenager, the first program to go through is the no BS program because it'll get right to the point and give you 25 action steps to help rebuild your relationship and a vision for these kids. Number two, release your kids from your unrealistic expectations of them because that will free them. When you release your kids, it actually liberates them to step up and be responsible for themselves without you standing over them. Number three, you've heard me say this. Be the no drama person in their lives. Discipline needs to be even, matter of fact, short and sweet. If they change the passwords on all of their devices, you don't make a big deal of it. You just walk and say, hey, I just expect the passwords to be set back to normal by 6pm tonight. I keep it very simple and short. I don't react. Be the steady person in their life. Like you've seen this before, like you've done this before. You've been through teenage years before. They haven't. Be the one person, the one thing in their lives that is not filled with drama because the rest of their life is filled with drama. And when you become that person, you will become the trusted person that they go to and it'll be really cool. You'll have really deep, good talks, especially late at night. Number four, affirm what they're already doing. Well, trust me on this one. I know you want to correct them and give them long lectures, but that just breeds a lot of anger. And if you will just simply walk in the room occasionally and affirm them for what they're already doing, well, just recognize it. Simple, short and sweet. It will help immensely bond over things that bug you. Stay close to these kids. Look for opportunities to connect, even take an interest in their horrible music. Just do it. Number five, mission and mentor. Mentor. You have to discover what they care about. They're not going to listen to you as the parent. Very few teenagers do at the very beginning. And it's not about what you care about. You have to discover what they care about. And the mission of mentor is we have to find a mission for them, doing what they're naturally good at doing, with a mentor accountable to another adult, because other adults can speak into your child's life and hold your kids accountable and encourage your kids in ways that you can't. And I've done these examples before of helping an elderly neighbor is awesome. Working a job volunteering down at the vet's office, because the veterinarian is going to be like, hey, you know what? You've got a gift with these animals. Look, I want you working in my office. But if I hear from your parents that you're mouthing off, that you're not keeping a B average, not doing your chores, you're not working with my animals, and I do that with all kinds of things and see to another adult, they will listen to them. Because I really like working at that vet's office because I do have a gift with animals. Get your kids working volunteering and working jobs where there are younger kids, because many of your kids are awesome with younger kids. We had this kid who was really good at computer stuff, and so he was really struggling. And I said, hey, do you know any adult? Like, a group of adults? And they're like, oh, we have a seniors group at our church. And I was like, awesome. Have this seniors group say, hey, we struggle with, like, getting on Facebook and keeping up with social media with our kids. Could you come in and teach us how to do this? Well, this teenage boy walks into this room with all of these seniors and starts helping them get on their iPads and connecting all these things. And guess what? He got to hear from, like, eight different seniors. Man, you have a gift in this area. Have you ever thought about doing it? Because you're really good at that. You can make a lot of money, and it's motivating because he was good at it. Some other people recognized it. And it wasn't his parents lecturing him about the need to do his homework and go to college. It was some other adults. And what happened in this case is he actually made some money because some of these seniors invited this kid to their home to say, hey, could you set up all of our electronics in the home so it's easier to work? See, that's what I'm after for our teenagers. Let me go through five other notes. If I could do it all over again, what would I really focus on? I want you to learn to raise the child you've been given, not the one you wanted or hope for. Raise them according to the way they are made. Stop Trying to fight their Change their nature. Work with their nature. Work with them. Stop fighting it and trying to do it how society wants or how your parents want you to do it or how you want them to be. Work with their nature. Spend most of your time cultivating their natural gifts, talents and passions. The weaknesses will take care of themselves over time and we can work on those a little. But don't get sucked into spending all of your time trying to fix everything you think is wrong for your child. 80% of your time should be spent cultivating their strengths, their their passions, their talents. Don't get too wrapped up in the little things. Know that it's perfectly normal for strong willed kids to lie, to steal, to cheat at times. They're supposed to be impulsive when they're young, so teach them self control. At the end of the day, it's the relationship that is most important. If you live your life out authentically and honestly with humility in front of your kids, they will see you as a person they can trust. They will listen to you more. And you're raising them to be successful in the real world as adults, not to be successful as kids, moms and dads. I know this is hard stuff. I know it is. So I appreciate how hard you're wrestling with all these different ideas. I hope you find this helpful. If we can help you in any way, reach out to us. We have our big Christmas sale on. I would go through that over the holidays. Do let your kids listen to this. I would like your toddlers listen to the programs because they're going to be like, yes, that's how I'm made. It will promote really good conversations with your older kids as well. Or just let them listen to the podcast. Those are free. Okay. Thank you all for working so hard. Thanks for sharing the podcast. Love you all. Bye.