← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Hey moms and dads.
- [00:02]
Casey Martin
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
Thanksgiving is this amazing holiday where families are in complete harmony, where everybody's just grateful for their lives. Nobody judges. Okay, that's not true for many families, especially parents of strong willed children. Holidays mean getting judged by family members who just don't understand your child and they pressure you to be tougher with your discipline. Look, I used to get embarrassed by my son's behavior around family, so I kind of angrily correct him while my wife was caught in the middle once again. And it can be a really lonely place for you. So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I'm going to give you practical strategies so you're prepared to not only survive, but hopefully this year, even enjoy Thanksgiving. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need anything. Reach out to our son, Casey. C A s e y celebratecalm.com Let us know about your family, how we can help you, because that's what we exist to do. We're in the middle of a big, big sale. It's Black Friday coming up, so go to the website. Take advantage of that. If you need additional help, talk to Casey. So let's set the scene. You're gathered together with family. You've got your mom and dad there, brothers and sisters with their kids, your kids and your strong willed child. And you're Already a little nervous and on edge because you've heard some of the comments, I.e. judgments before about your child who melts down. Your child that's super particular about his clothes and food, who acts out at restaurants and church. And you know, your family thinks you let him get away with things and you just need discipline him harder. But you've tried consequences. You've been firm and consistent, you followed through and it just hasn't worked. And your family's already pressuring you and talking about him. They're even goading your child a little bit like my family did to Casey, knowing he's the different one, the one who doesn't play as well with his cousins, the one who isn't sitting on grandma's lap, the one who isn't being fond over by grandpa and the uncles because of his good grades and athletic prowess. He's sitting alone, he's building something really complex. He's actually completely content if everybody would stop comparing him or try getting him to be like them. So while the cousins are outside playing, he's inside by himself. And you know what's coming. He doesn't like turkey or yams or stuffing. He likes the dinner rolls just fine, but nothing else. Sitting still at a stuffy table with good manners while everybody eats, engages in conversation, just not a strong suit. So he's begged you already to allow him to eat pizza or Mac and cheese early and just keep building with his Legos or whatever he's working on while everybody else sits around that long table talking and joking or listening to Uncle Frank go on and on about himself or politics. And you've tried to convince your child, honey, it's just one meal a year. You don't even have to eat the turkey, just eat the dinner rolls and sit there for 5, 45 minutes. But you know he's never going to say, you know what? You're right, mom. I'll take one for the team so you're not embarrassed and don't feel like a failure in front of your judgmental brother, sister in law and parents. He's not going to say that. So you talk in hushed tones with your husband. Please, honey, it's just not worth it. Just let me feed him early. He can just sit downstairs building with his Legos. He'll be content. He'll be much better. But see, your husband, that is me, is afraid of being judged by your family for being soft and coddling a little kid. So he doubles down, charges away from you, heads towards your strong willed child who's happily playing by himself. And you know what comes next? Tears, Please. Sobs mom, you said I could just eat early and not have to do the dumb Thanksgiving dinner thing. Why is dad making me do this? Once again, you're caught in the middle between an admittedly challenging child who's sensitive with a big heart, but who does make things more difficult sometimes, and a husband who isn't that great at controlling his own emotions. Not to mention being caught between your child, an entire cadre of nine family members, all with their own opinions on what you're doing wrong and how you're failing as a mom. Even though this is the one thing you care about and have worked harder at anything else than you ever have in your whole life and it's Thanksgiving afternoon and you start to cry. Why doesn't anyone understand you or your child? Why does everyone have to judge and pressure you instead of simply letting a kid eat and play by himself? See, if you make your son sit at the dinner table, he's going to be corrected constantly by his father who feels pressured to be tough and that isn't going to go well. And your son's going to react and now tension's going to permeate the entire dinner table while everybody looks on in disapproval and disdain just like they did at Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. And it's just you and your son against the world. Could be your daughter, right? You can't eat, you can't enjoy your family or Thanksgiving and you just want to go home, curl up in the fetal position and not feel this judgment anymore. And you'll apologize 18 times to your family, but to no avail because sometimes people just want to judge because it makes them feel superior and better about their own lives. And this was our experience when our son Casey was young. I was that dad and that was how most holidays went with our family. So I want to share some ideas that will hopefully make this year better for you. So Mrs.
- [07:01]
Mrs. Calm
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- [07:18]
Kirk Martin
It's an easy, healthy daily routine.
- [07:20]
Mrs. Calm
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- [08:11]
Kirk Martin
With a win when we moved to.
- [08:14]
Mrs. Calm
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- [09:31]
Kirk Martin
Number one, be confident. I'm going to come back to this, but I want to sow that seed now. Your confidence is everything. Look, I want you to know this is normal. This scene is normal with a strong willed child. You didn't do something wrong and you're not a bad mom or dad and there's nothing wrong with your child. Ignore the nonsense from family and society. Number two, this is what you can do proactively. Set your child up for success beforehand. Look, Our strong will Kids aren't always great at childhood stuff, but they're usually very good in the adult world. They often have natural gifts for building, creating, making things. So think about this now, today. What is your child good at doing? When is he or she most content? Think about this, because other adults often brag about their kids, don't they? Right? So when other adults do brag about your child, they're like, oh, your son, your daughter is so amazing. What are they usually saying or bragging about? See, let's give your child an Opportunity to do those things he's good at doing. At Thanksgiving, ask grandpa or grandma or your aunt, aunt and uncles to actually give your child a specific mission when they come to. Right. When your kids come to their house. Hey Benjamin, I've heard you're really great at doing X. Do you think you could help me with this project? See, you want to put your child in a position to succeed, to excel. We often ask our kids to play on a playing field in which they're just not good at playing that game. So figure out what they're good at doing and let them play on that playing field. Look, some of you have kids who are awesome with younger kids. Maybe they can help babysit or take care of the younger kids. Right? To give your sister or sister in law a break with her kids. I just want the other adults in the room to see your child at his or her best. Right? So giving your child a mission will also focus their energy and it boosts their confidence because you're asking them to do something they're actually good at doing. Now if you can, I would find two or three projects your child can do throughout the day. Don't be afraid to ask them to do adult type jobs. They may be awesome at cooking a part of the meal. If you can get your OCD relative control freak to let them do it, carve. They might be good at carving the turkey with a homemade hatchet they made or handling some grown up responsibility. Let them do it. Just saying hey, go play with your cousins or be on your best behavior won't work. So I want you to put some thought into this. Now number three, plan some time away during family visits. And this includes all of those week long vacations and time with big groups of extended family. Look, on week long summer vacations we always took a day to ourselves or ate dinner by ourselves at least one night just to get away and decompress. So on Thanksgiving, plan a run to the grocery store, make check head, make sure they're open. Or actually who cares if they aren't. Just say hey, we forgot something, we need to run to the grocery store. Volunteer to run, get that last minute item that your OCD relative forgot that's freaking him or her out. Volunteer to do anything. Just get out of that house with your strong willed child. Go for a drive in the country, stop at McDonald's, go play in a park somewhere, go run an errand, it doesn't matter. You're already going to get judged. Why not at least get out and play and laugh together? For an hour and then come back fresh. Number four, take back control of the day. Is there something your child made recently that you can bring on Thanksgiving Day? Some way to go kind of on the offensive and change the narrative a bit? Rather than feeling defensive all the time, can you show your family a video of something your child created or bring something he or she built? Oh, man, I can't wait to show you what Benjamin did. Look, some of you have kids who can build like a robot from scratch. It's way better than sitting still in class all day. So look, everybody else is likely coming in talking about how their wonderful child made the honor roll again and has all straight A's and they're gifted and their teachers are just raving about them. And that's wonderful for that child. Right? That's awesome. But I don't want you having to compare your child on a playing field that isn't level. I want you showing off your child's gifts and talents. Right? Did your child donate money to a homeless guy on the streets or volunteer at an animal shelter? Did your child start a little side business making money working on that robot or some creation taking apart something, something complex and rebuilding it like a future engineer would? Right. Number five, let's take control of the narrative now, please. Let me begin with my snarky responses to your relatives. This is mainly just for fun, but these are some things you wish you could say. But there's also some truth in here that you can extract and use. Here are two things I would want to say to well meaning. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt. Well meaning relatives who are concerned about you. Is there anything more condescending? We're just concerned, right? I hate that about you and your child. And they're concerned about the job you're doing raising your child. It feels so awesome. So here are two things I would love to say. Extract some things. Oh, so you're still raising your children. Be good at, well being children. How quaint. See, we're raising Benjamin to excel as an adult, which he's already doing. See, everywhere we go, literally everyone tells us how helpful Benjamin is. Once a week, he cooks us a full meal using HelloFresh at 50% off. Sorry, I couldn't resist. But it is a great deal, so take advantage of it. So he helped an elderly neighbor clean out his gutters using a special stage that he invented. He just started investing his own money and he's made some great investments researching different companies. We know he's not that good at Doing kid things. But man, he's going to kill it as an adult. Oh, so now tell me about how your child's doing so well memorizing information for children's tests. Can't wait to hear, right? I know that's snarky, but wouldn't that be awesome about talking how their children are good at being, well, children. But our child, oh, he's already in the adult world. Extract some things from that. You should be telling other people about how your child helps elderly neighbors down the street and feeds homeless people and does all these other cool things so you don't have to be snarky. I want you to be a gracious person. Unless your relatives are really pushing you, then I give you permission to go full throttle at them. But don't shrink back from giving perspectives here on what you're trying to accomplish. Look, you're not raising your child to be good at childhood stuff, which is largely arbitrary in nature and which you don't have to ever do again after you're an adult. You're raising your child to crush it in the adult world and in a world in which your child is already pretty comfortable. So here's my second response. Oh, you're still raising your child to be a compliant role follower. How sad. In this day and age when what's necessary in the adult world is a take charge leader and entrepreneur who's not afraid to take risks and push the limit limits. Oh, you're little Sarah. She's an adorable people pleaser. I'm sure she'll find an excellent mate who's controlling just like you did. Mic drop. Walk out of the room. Sure, you won't be invited to their house for Thanksgiving next year, but that might be a bonus. Again, you can't do that. Be gracious and kind. But you can, in a confident manner, give perspective. Look, mom, dad, brother, sister. We've been thinking a lot about this and we've challenged ourselves, asking what do we really want for our kids? And see with Lily, you know who she is. She'd just be her adorable self. She's happy. She gets along with everybody. She's like the little mare and that's who she is. But with Benjamin, he came out of the womb and tents fighting and clawing for what he wants and what he believes in. And we made the mistake of fighting his nature for the first nine years of his life. That's my story with Casey, because we thought he was so particular and difficult until we realized that much of that resistance was created by us because We've got anxiety and control issues but we're starting to learn how to use that intensity to our advantage and his and then share some examples of how his asking questions and being good, critical thinker, inventor. All those good things are playing out in positive ways. And this isn't meant to be self serving, but you could share the calm parenting podcast and just say, look, this guy's given us a different perspective on the string willed child and we're starting to see it make a difference. So you're educating your kids. So that's what I'm leading up to. Number six, educate and give perspective. Now this is going to require a little more specificity, but if you have our materials, listen to the ADHD University program. Your kids don't have to have adhd. It just explains how strong will kids brains work and kids on the spectrum. It's going to explain exactly how your child's brain works differently and why they do certain things. You'll be using brain science that makes sense and it will help you feel more like an authority on your child's brain development and how it functions well and it will help your relatives see your child and you in a different light. But if you don't have our programs then you're missing out on a ton of insight. I don't know any other way to say it if you want to see long term change in your family. We've got a big black, we've got a Black Friday sale going on right now. So look, order it now. Just go to celebratecom.com now look up the big sale. Order it. You can download it to each of your phones and listen on the way to grandma's house. And if you want, we'll even share this with your relatives, right? So you can download the programs and say, hey, could you send that ADHD university or that strong willed child program to my mom or to my brother and be like, yeah, we can do that. Do that for free once you do this. So number seven, get on the same page as parents, not your own parents. That might be too difficult. But you and your spouse get on the same page as parents. Be unified as a couple, right? Remember that scene I painted at the beginning of this podcast with the mom being judged and the dad overreacting, trying not to act like a wimpy dad, right? But it ends up making the entire situation worse. That was us, that was me. And it made us look so weak and ill prepared. In some ways my family was judging correctly. It was no wonder that Casey was emotionally volatile. Guess where he learned that? From me. And I'll just say it bluntly because we don't have a lot of time. Guys, men out there, if you're listening, I need you. Look, I don't need you to do it, but your wife and children need you to man up, to stop making excuses for your own lack of self control and finally learn how to model being a calm leader in your home. There's no blame and guilt here, but there's no way around this. Either you get control of your own emotions and I'll show you how to do that, or nothing will change in your home except that it will get worse. Mom. Same things, same thing. We got to get rid of that guilt and anxiety and break those generational patterns once and for all. Because once you calm your own anxiety, once you get control of your control issues and calm your reactions, then you can get unified on how to discipline and motivate your strong willed child. But even if you aren't there yet, go into Thanksgiving Day unified with the above plan. Encourage each other. Stand next to each other as you're saying the above things to your relatives. About your Benjamin, about your Sarah, about your child. Know that your child is going to be okay. Number eight. Be confident. This is the most important step. When your relatives are making comments and your child is acting out, you're naturally going to want to become defensive and apologize. And this is hard when you're surrounded by all these other people. But I don't want you to apologize and I don't want you to be defensive. I want you to be confident. Even if you are partly faking it. I want you to have that perspective we talked about above. Your child is going to kill it in the adult world, even if he or she isn't that awesome in the arbitrary kid world. His or her brain does work in different and better ways. And you're doing the right thing by teaching and problem solving and taking a different approach. I want you to feel confident when talking to your family and friends because that will cause them to see you in a different light, trust you and see your perspective. So do listen to our programs on that app. You're going to have so much insight, so many strategies, and feel equipped and knowledgeable. And we will share the programs with your skeptical relatives so everyone in your family can be on the same page. You could even say this. Look, I appreciate you all caring so much and I know you want to help us. Here is the number one way you can support us. Will you listen to this program on the strong willed child because it will give you insight into your grandson, into your nephew and what we're trying to accomplish. And if they continue to hammer you, just say, look, I will be much more willing to listen to you after you've taken an hour or two to listen to this perspective. Could you do that? Okay moms and dads, we've got our game plan. Now let's plan ahead. Let's create some successes upon arrival wherever you're going or when your relatives arrive at your house. Let's have uncles and grandparents and aunts give your child some specific missions they're naturally good at doing. Let's let them praise your kids for doing those missions well. Plan for some short breaks away from family to decompress and laugh a little bit at Uncle Frank's self importance and your strong willed child will probably do a fantastic impression of him. Bring your own meal for your strong will child. Who cares if he eats Mac and cheese on Thanksgiving while everybody else is gorging on carbs and desserts and feels awful afterwards? And prepare some of those snarky, okay educational talks with your family. Walk in there with confidence. Know that you're doing the right thing and if we can help you, reach out to Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com and we will help you out even on Thanksgiving Day. Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours. Thanks for listening and thanks for sharing this.