Kirk Martin (0:00)

Casey and I used to fight over chores. Now we fight over Cozy Earth. He'll drop by and I'll say check out how cool these brushed bamboo shorts or T shirts are. Like literally cooling on hot summer days. And then he won't give them back. So now when I order Cozy Earth, I use Code Calm and I get 40% off 2 of everything. Now the good thing is Mrs. Calm doesn't have to share what she calls the gorgeously soft fabric of her brushed bamboo skirt. So when we go out for a nice dinner, she slides off the relaxing Cozy Earth joggers for everyday tasks and pulls on the brushed bamboo skirt, the perfect mix of elegance and comfort. And we end every day sleeping cooler under our Cozy Earth bamboo sheets. Upgrade your summer go to cozyearth.com and use code CALM for 40% off. Best selling Cozy Earth Temperature Regulating Sheets, apparel and more. You'll feel the difference the very first night. Sleep cooler Lounge Lighter. Stay cozy. Go to cozyearth.com and use code CALM for 40% off. So here is a killer idea to inspire curiosity and keep your kids brains active and learning in a fun way this summer I want you to sign up for a class@ixl.com Kirk and for your child to sign up. That way you are learning right alongside your child. They can see you wrestling with ideas, being curious and at times asking them for help. It's awesome modeling for your kids and it makes it feel like learning is a family adventure, not something you make them do. IXL is an award winning learning platform with an easy to navigate layout that uses interactive projects, practice and step by step video tutorials that make it perfect for relaxed summer learning. So what class are you going to take this summer? Make an impact on your child's learning? Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com Kirk Visit ixl.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program and at the best price. So I have a killer phrase for you to use. In fact a whole script that I think will help with both discipline and defiance and meltdowns. That's not both. That's all three things. And it came because of an email from a mom last night who asked six different questions and I was trying to think all night like okay, how can I answer this with one particular example so I can weave lots of really good stuff into one example and I think I have it for you. And that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our big summer sale@celebratecolm.com the reason that I talk so fast through that is because I do respect your time. And the P.S. to this mom's email was actually from her son who said, hey, my dad swears at your podcast sometimes because of the ads. Let me address it really quickly. I. I know it's annoying. I am an avid listener of podcasts, and it usually really used to really annoy me. Like, why do they do that? Until I remembered I'm getting a lot of free content at my whim. I don't have to DVR something. I don't have to wait until Tuesday at 8pm in order to do it. And so I do talk fast. And I don't do bumper music. I don't do long intros. I try to get right into content. So there are two ads at the beginning, two in the middle. I push back on our advertisers because they want like minute and a half ads. And I'm like, no, I'm going to do about a minute, a minute five. So I make about 1.25 cents for every ad that you listen to, even if you listen like it double speed. So it's about 5 cents per episode. So I do appreciate your patience. It's not so much the money for me, it's the fact that I did well over 300 episodes before we actually had any advertisers interested. So it's a little bit of a neat validation thing that we've grown this, that you have listened. And so I appreciate your patience. Okay, let's jump into this with one of my favorite stories. So here's the deal. I had a lot of triggers. My dad was career military, and so whenever one of my biggest triggers was when I would hear our son yell at my wife. So common scene. They're in the kitchen. Casey's getting upset. He'd often take it out on her. Why? Well, because at that point, I was too scary. Like, he was smart. What am I going to take it out on my dad, who's just going to lose it and take away everything I own? So he would dump his frustration on my wife. Well, that would frustrate me. So here's how it would typically play out, and then I will take you through how I eventually learned to do it. So I'd walk in a room. Young man, you can't talk to your mother like that. How many times have I told you, you can't yell at your mom. That's disrespectful. And I would begin to escalate things. And I wasn't reading the moment. I was so caught up in my own trigger and how it was making me feel that I couldn't look outward to see what was really happening. I was just reacting. And for the men who were like, well, I don't want to be soft and do that and listen, look, we do it in business all the time. You don't rush into it with a customer and like, cut him or her off and say, you just need to buy my stuff. We listen, we read body language, and we take different approaches with different employees. Some need to be spoken to very directly and bluntly. And some you've got to put your arm around their shoulder and walk down the hallway and build them up a little bit. So we do it in real life. It's just that with our kids, they irritate us and we just want to yell at them and have them obey. That's not how life works. So I would begin to escalate and then I would start to lay into Casey for some very personal things. You know what you never pick up around here. You don't listen. How are you ever going to be successful in life? And you know what I realized later? I was resentful toward Casey because I felt like he did make life more difficult than it needed to be. So I would use an opportunity when he messed up to release that resentment. And there was a little bit of vindictiveness in there, which obviously is very wrong. So I caution you, watch out for that because it will poison the situation and your relationship. So I would keep going and going, and I could see his little face was all red and something was going on, but I didn't know what to do. So I keep going. He'd start to go up the stairs and I would just keep after him. You know what? If you can't follow directions, how are you ever going to be successful in life? And he would go up and slam his bedroom door. Another trigger of mine. You don't have to respect me, but you're going to respect my door. And so I would go up there and I kind of lay into him for a few things. And by the way, I wasn't. I know this would be hard to understand, but I've tried to be honest with this. I was a really well meaning dad, right? It wasn't like I was just some ogre who's like, I just want to Yell at my son. Like, we spent time together. I spent a lot of time with Casey. It's just that it usually devolved into me being critical and yelling because that's what my dad did to me. Not an excuse. But I was in there, and I was engaged. I just felt helpless. I didn't know what else to do. So I come walking back downstairs thinking, huh, I just stood up for my wife, because that's what I'm supposed to do. And you know what my wife is thinking, no, no, you didn't. You just ruined the whole evening. Because now I have to go upstairs and spend two hours consoling our son and letting him know you. Your father loves you. He just has some unresolved issues from childhood. And I had just made a mess, and I did that oftentimes, Sometimes, as men, we put our wives in this situation where they have to clean up the mess. Or we do this one, you know what, Keep that up. No food, no video games for the next month. And we give consequences we can't keep. And it undermines our authority and respect because the kids know you can't keep that. And our kids stop listening to us. And guess what? Our wives lose respect for us when that happens. So I started to learn a different way to deal with this. So couple big principles before you Discipline. You have to de escalate. Was it wrong for my son to yell at his mom? Of course there has to be discipline. Remember, discipline means to teach. But I don't do it right in the moment. I always want to calm the situation. Deescalate before you discipline. And again, men are like, no, we got to nip that in the butt. I got to do it right now. Let me ask you a question. So at work, let's say that you had a potential client and you pitched them on a service or your product, and you had just heard that they chose you, a competitor. Do you want your boss coming into your office or cubicle right then, like, hey, you know what? You know what? If you would have anticipated their objections better, if you would have been more prepared, you wouldn't have lost that sale. No, that's not the time to do it, because you need time to process your disappointment. And some of us beat yourself up of like, yeah, why didn't I do that? Notice that, by the way, we beat ourselves up sometimes over those things. Guess what? Our kids do same exact thing. In that moment, they're beating themselves up. My son in that moment was probably thinking, you know what? I'm always in trouble. Why do I get upset, I overreact. I don't know how to calm myself down. I know I'm not supposed to be yelling at my mom. She's like the one nice, stable thing in my life, and I'm taking out my frustration on her. He's beating himself up, and that's when I would pounce on him. That's like your boss pouncing on you in the moment. No, the next day you want to have that conversation because then you and your boss can say, and that gives you time to go, hey, you know what, boss? I realize I missed a few key points there. I should have anticipated that. And you can problem solve instead of just dumping guilt on you and saying, you know what? If you keep messing up these sales, you're not going to have a job anymore. That's exactly what we do to our kids and we hide behind saying, well, I'm just disciplining him. No, you're not. That's just punishment. You're not teaching a thing. You want your boss, especially when you were young or if you're in a new industry, you want your boss, the authority figure, to come in and teach you and say, hey, I've been around the block a few times. I've done these sales before. Let me show you a different way so that next time you get the sale reward and you don't have to go through this regret of losing the sale. Think about that sometime. Because in the real world, we like this process, but with parenting, sometimes we don't. So how do we de escalate the situation? You've heard me say it before. Motion changes emotion, movement. Movement is a really helpful tool to help kids calm down. And it also does something else for us as well. So here are a few options. So I walk into the room, even matter of fact, tone, I don't address this right away. I can say, hey, Case, I can tell you're frustrated. Listen, I'm going outside and I'd be holding a football. And if you want to come out and play catch, I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. So there was an invitation there. Hey, Case, I'm going to dump some Legos out in the living room. When you're ready. Remember that phrase, when you're ready. If you want to come in and build that cool spaceship you were talking about earlier, I'll be glad to help you out. I'm inviting to a different place now. Some of you, you're busy, you've got a bunch of kids. You can't just Go out and play catch. But say in the middle of dinner, you can say, oh, man, if I were you, I'd be frustrated, too. Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you go to the pantry, get the spaghetti sauce? Could you think you could twist that jar off for me? You've given your child something they're in control of, something to do that isn't, you need to calm down right now and apologize to your mother. So there's an invitation there, and there's something beautiful about that. Of I come into the room, I. I enter into it, but instead of addressing the situation right now, I invite them to do something else. And I've addressed this before, of like, if you just come in, like, what were you thinking? Why are you so upset? What are they supposed to say? Right? Like, in that moment with your boss, you know, why did you. Why did you lose that sale? In the moment, you're like, I don't know. I guess I'm just stupid. Maybe you should fire me. And that's what your kids are feeling like. So there's an invitation, because I like the invitation to come with me. See, I have life wisdom that I want to impart to my child. It's not just about, go to your room or else. That doesn't teach them anything. All they learn is, well, I shouldn't have done that. But they already know they shouldn't have done that, which is why they usually lie about things. And so I like this phrase, phrase a lot. And it works, I'd say, about 90% of the time. How many of you have kids who struggle with impulse control? We do. So we taught Casey practical ways to delay gratification by saving money because it's very tangible. I encourage you to build this new habit with your kids this summer with the Acorns early app and debit card. I'm so glad. Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns Early. It's a smart money app and debit card for kids that helps them learn the value of money. I like teaching with money because your kids can see how their choices directly add up in concrete ways. It's one of the best habits we taught Casey. Acorns early makes building this new habit easy and fun. So head to acornserly.com calm or download the Acorns early app to help your kids grow their money skills today. That's acornserly.com calm acorns early card is issued by Community Federal Savings Bank Member FDIC pursuant to license by MasterCard International. TNCs apply monthly subscription fees starting from $5 per month unless canceled. So am I really saying AG1 makes me a better parent and spouse? Yeah, because I feel healthy and I just don't have that stomach distress or bloating that interferes with my moods. Mrs. Calm and I love our AG1 morning routine. No messes, no blenders. We put one scoop of AG1 into a bottle of water, shake it up and start our day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients. Their upgraded AG1 Next Gen Formula has been clinically shown to increase healthy gut bacteria by 10 times. AG1 gives me mental clarity to write my podcast and energy for those big hikes. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long now. Clinically backed with an upgraded formula, this is the perfect time to try AG1 or give it as a belated Father's Day gift. If you use my link@drinkag1.com calm you'll get a free gift with your first order. So subscribe today at drinkag1.com calm to try the next gen of AG1 for less than $3 per day. That's drinkag1.com calm when you're ready. Here's why. With a strong willed child, you know this. If you walk in and say you need to apologize right now. You need to calm down right now. Young man, young lady, they always resist. It's hands on the hips. No, when you're ready. See if this makes sense. For many of you who are people pleasers or who are more compliant, your mindset is, well, when someone tells me to do something, well, I just do it. But the strong will child is always going to resist at first. And so when I say, hey, when you're ready, giving them ownership of something, I'm giving them a sense of control. When they're exact at the exact moment they're feeling out of control. We've been through this. When kids are upset, when we're upset, it's because we've lost some sense of control. And so now I've said, hey, when you're ready. And that triggers in the brain of like, oh, nobody's demanding it right now. I get to make that choice. I'm also giving them an out. And you know this from, from your own relationships, from the work world, from politics. You have to give someone an out, a way to save face. Because just saying, yeah, I'm just a horrible kid yelling at my mother. I now the child can come to me outside playing catch. We can sit in color. We can build with Legos. Getting that, twisting that jar off. It can be any, anything, any activity that they're good at. Helping you organize the fishing lures in the garage because you're going fishing this coming weekend. All those. That movement and motion is really, really good. So when I say when you're ready, it's almost like it releases them to do what is right without you standing over them. Nobody likes to be watched when they're really upset. So I wait a few minutes. My child, Casey, would come out, and here's what I was communicating. Two other things that would happen back in the day when I would miss those signals because I was so wrapped up in my own anxiety and my own control issues. I would miss what was going on in his. On his face and, and inside his heart, and I would just keep escalating things. And what I finally realized was this. What I was saying to my son when he was lashing out, when I was lashing out at him was, son, I need you to behave right now so that I can behave. See if this makes sense. Casey, son, daughter, I need you to behave and, and do exactly what I told you to do. Because if you don't, I'm not sure I can behave. And you do not want to see me angry. That was the subtle or not so subtle message that was going on. But here's what it switched to. Now, my son, your daughter comes to you while you're doing something else. To play catch, to build with Legos, to color. And now what am I communicating? Hey, when your world is out of control, mine's not. I can handle you at your worst. I can handle any situation. That is what builds trust. That is what you are after. Because I know as a guy, my number one thing I wanted to communicate with my son is I wanted to give him wisdom. I wanted him to respect me. Not because I was just like the authority figure who deserved to be respected. Because you don't deserve it, you have to earn it. No. I had gone through so many things in life. I wanted to give him my wisdom so he didn't make the same mistakes I made. But as long as I was lashing out and reactive and not in control of myself, there's no way he would come to me. So I'm going to do these two really quickly again. I need you to behave so that I can behave and don't lose it. See, that's really twisted. Instead, it becomes, oh, when your world's out of control, whether you're 4 or 15, because your teenagers are going to feel are going to be filled with drama. And I want you to be the one person in their life, the one thing in their life that is not filled with drama, to know I can always go and talk to my mom or my dad about that. That is so powerful. So now we're playing catch. We're building with Legos. There's no eye contact there. I don't do eye contact when kids are really upset or when I'm disciplining because there's too much shame. It's too intense. And so now we're starting to do some things and we're both calming down. See, I like the motion because it helped me calm down. Just going out in the yard and throwing the ball up to myself and let me process my own anger and frustration was helpful. I'm playing with something tactile. See, when your kids are building with the Legos, that it's something tactile they feel in control of. Now you have two people together. Again, not sent. You. Don't go to your room until you can have a good attitude, until you're ready to apologize. No, we do way too much of sending kids away from us. And what they learn is, my mom and dad only want to be with me when I'm well behaved. And that'll have ramifications throughout the rest of their lives. So now we're together. Now I can discipline. Here's another phrase I love. Hey, Case, I'm curious. I love that phrase. Hey, back in the kitchen when you were yelling at mom. I know that you know that's wrong. Those are great phrase, too. I know you know that's wrong because rather than like, what were you thinking? What were you doing? Defensive response. I don't know. But now I can say, I know you know that's wrong because they do. Curious. What was going on that led you to react that way to mom, to call mom names? See, there's a difference in those questions from explain yourself why you were doing something bad to hey, I'm curious what was going on inside of you that caused you to be upset that then caused you to do the bad thing? See, I can explain that as a kid. Well, and so when I. Here's the other thing with the I'm curious tone. The other way is like, it's me against you. I'm standing over here against you. I'm curious is I'm coming alongside you because I want to help you. I don't need you to behave. I don't need you to be respectful. I don't need that. And that's an important point because we get so triggered by all these things. I'm coming alongside. Look, my goal is to help you. You just did something that will cause you to lose things, and you did something that inside, you know is wrong and hurtful, and that's the most. That's the hardest thing, right? You yelled at your mom, who loves you. I don't want you to do that anymore. Not for our sake, but because it hurts you. It's not good for you inside to do that. So I'm going to come alongside and teach you and show you a different way. And I remember one situation. He's like, dad, I'm just frustrated. School's so hard for me, and I'm overwhelmed by the end of the day. I get home, and then Mom's, like, asking me right away about the homework folder and can we do this? And I just lose it. And I'm like, okay, I get that. Good. That's understanding one of your triggers. Now we can practice a different response. So. So I said, look, I know you know what you need to do first. And that was apologize to Mom. It didn't require a long lecture. He knew because we practice and model in our home apologizing to each other, and he watched me have to apologize a lot of times. And by the way, there are only so many apologies, though, that you can do over these things as an adult before your spouse is like, yeah, I've heard the apologies. I just want to see action. So stop apologizing and start doing this old guy wisdom. Stop saying, oh, I'll try to do better. No, it doesn't work that way. You just. You have to commit to it, and you have to do it. I know it's a process, but just commit to. Just start doing it. So he would go apologize to my wife, and I'd say, case, here's what we're doing. We're going to go back out through the front door as if you're coming home from school, and let's practice a different way to walk through the door. I will give you a script to use with your mom so that you can be assertive and say, mom, I'm overwhelmed. It was a really long day at school. Can we do homework later? Can I do X instead? And so I was actually giving him the tools to speak up for himself, to be assertive. And we were learning how to deal with it in a different way. And then obviously, my wife would get involved, and so we Actually role played. And we practiced a new afternoon routine. So it took it from, we have a defiant child with a disrespectful mouth. Well, yeah, that's how what it looked like. But what we had was an overwhelmed kid who didn't know how to speak up for himself. And we didn't ever problem solve. We just kept saying, like, cut that out. Go to your room. I hope that makes sense. I'm going to stop it right there because I think there's enough in there that I really want you to practice that this week of really start to think through some common triggers. What can you do differently to de escalate? Remember using those phrase hey phrases when you're ready. Hey, I'm curious. And I want you to get to the place where you can say, when your world is out of control. Oh, mine's not. I do encourage you at risk of being annoying if. Okay. If you have our programs, go through them over the summer and let your kids listen. Let your kids listen to this podcast and say, is this how it feels for you when you're in the midst of it? And what if I handled it that way? Would that be better? Or what could I do? Talk about this stuff openly with your kids. This is not past generations when it was like, parents were the wizard of Oz and, and I've had parents tell me this of like, we were raised, like parents were wizard of the Oz, like behind some thing and they just issued like lightning bolts to the kids. No, you can talk and problem solve and do life together. And the best use of our resources, the programs, is to let your kids listen over the summer when you're not, like, when you don't have all that schoolwork and classroom school and you can say, what could we do differently in our home in that situation, what could I, as the parent, do differently? You're not turning over control of your home to your kids. You're just getting them involved. Well, what could you do differently that will change your family life so that you have so, so much more peace and you eliminate so many of those power struggles? Okay, go do this. Moms and dads, I appreciate you listening. I appreciate you sharing the podcast and I appreciate you working so hard on your triggers. All right, love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye. Bye.