Calm Parenting Podcast: The One Key to Stop 80% Of Power Struggles With Your Kids

Host: Kirk Martin
Episode #: 552
Date: January 11, 2026

Episode Overview

In this insightful episode, Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, explores the root cause behind most power struggles between parents and strong-willed children: parental anxiety. Drawing on both professional experience and candid personal reflection, Kirk demonstrates how parents’ anxieties—about their children’s behavior, future, and how they reflect on the family—can inadvertently fuel defiance and negative dynamics. Through humor, vulnerability, and practical advice, Kirk gives parents actionable steps to curb power struggles by managing their own reactions first.

Key Themes & Discussion Points

1. The REAL Reason Kids Resist: It’s Not About Authority

• Kids resist, not out of defiance, but as a reaction to their parents' anxiety.
  • Kids are rejecting parental anxiety, not the parent or authority itself.
  • Strong-willed kids, especially, "move more slowly" and push back harder the more they sense anxiety and pressure.

"Your kids are not rejecting you. They're not rejecting your authority. They are rejecting your anxiety."
– Kirk Martin [04:30]

2. Personal Reflection: Kirk’s Own Experience With Anxiety

• Kirk opens up about living with anxiety stemming from a turbulent childhood.
• He recognizes the impact of lingering anxiety on his present-day relationships: makes him controlling, short-tempered, and less present.
• He normalizes the feeling for listeners.

"Our primary goal is to control ourselves first. This is the key to everything."
– Kirk Martin [08:40]

3. How Parental Anxiety Sabotages Parenting

• The more parents care (and worry), the more their anxiety seeps into interactions and increases kids’ resistance.
• Rushing, lecturing, and micromanaging backfire.
• Kids aren't inspired by parental anxiety—they shut down, resist, or feel like they can never please their parents.

"They're not rejecting your authority, they're rejecting your anxiety because your anxiety is screaming at them."
– Kirk Martin [12:55]

4. The Consequences of Parental Anxiety

• For kids:
  • Shut down, disengage, become less confident.
  • Focus is placed on negatives, not strengths; endless power struggles ensue.
• For parents:
  • Lecturing and micromanaging become the norm.
• Root causes:
  • Often tied to parents’ fear of their children failing or not measuring up.
  • Projecting into the future based on today’s small behaviors leads to disproportionate stress.

5. Concrete Examples

• Preschool: Worrying that inability to sit during circle time spells disaster for future success.
• Middle school: Viewing “hibernation phase” (gaming, same hoodie every day) as laziness, not normal development.
• Teens: Expecting them to try their hardest at everything, when adults don’t do so either.

6. Action Steps for Parents (Starts at [22:40])

1. Radical Honesty and Humility

• Admit the role parental anxiety is playing.
• Say out loud: “My anxiety is hurting my relationship with my child.”
• No guilt, no shame—just honesty for the sake of real change.

2. Reflect on the Roots

• Ask: “Why does this really bother me? Because of school expectations? Embarrassment? My own past?”
• Understand what triggers disproportionate feelings.

3. Do the Opposite for a Week

• For one week, fight the urge to lecture or make negative comments.
• Acknowledge what your child does well, and avoid the “but if you would just…” trap.
• Affirm more, control less.

"When we step back as parents, it gives our strong-willed kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves."
– Kirk Martin [25:27]

4. Channel Anxiety Into Actionable Tasks

• Instead of controlling your child, control something tangible (organize a drawer, let someone cut in traffic).
• Use a code word system—have your child signal when you start to lecture (Kirk’s son Casey used “Face off, dad!”).

5. Apologize to Your Kids

• Acknowledge patterns of lecturing or micromanaging.
• Keep apologies factual, brief, and validating.
• This models accountability and can be healing for kids.

"An apology is just a statement of fact. You don't have to grovel or go on and on about it."
– Kirk Martin [27:00]

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On feeling what’s driving kids’ behavior:

  "They're just buying a little time to process and consider their options."
  – Kirk Martin [07:00]

• On unrealistic parental expectations:

  "Recognize that's an unrealistic expectation that none of us keep. You don't try your hardest at everything, only the things you care about. But we want our kids to try their hardest at things we care about."
  – Kirk Martin [19:40]

• On the impact of parental anxiety:

  "This focus on their negatives creates endless power struggles and a kid who is not confident, and it will destroy the relationship. Not to mention it won't motivate your kids."
  – Kirk Martin [20:52]

• Email from a dad:

  "My son said: Dad, we know you love us. We're just confused why you don't seem to like us or be happy with us much of the time."
  – Kirk Martin, quoting listener email [27:15]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 04:30 – Children reject parental anxiety, not authority
• 08:40 – Importance of controlling oneself first
• 12:55 – How anxiety is communicated to kids and its effects
• 16:10 – Projecting into the future over small behaviors
• 19:40 – The fallacy of expecting maximum effort in all things
• 22:40 – Five action steps for parents to break anxiety cycles
• 25:27 – Giving kids space to step up and be responsible
• 27:00-27:30 – The value of apology and modeling accountability
• 27:15 – Powerful listener email about the effect of parental anxiety

Tone & Style

Kirk maintains a blend of direct honesty, personal vulnerability, gentle humor, and practical wisdom. He avoids blaming or shaming, making space for parents to feel seen and empowered to change old patterns.

Summary Takeaway

The episode powerfully unpacks how a parent's own anxiety, when left unchecked, becomes the driving force behind power struggles with kids—especially strong-willed ones. By focusing on self-regulation, reframing expectations, and consciously choosing different reactions, parents can dramatically improve both their relationship and their child’s confidence. The core message:
“Control yourself first. When you step back, your kids can step up.”