Calm Parenting Podcast Episode Summary: "The Truth About Lying & How To Stop It"

Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: January 1, 2023
Podcast Description:
Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, provides practical strategies for parents dealing with strong-willed children. With experience working with over 1,500 challenging kids, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Martin offers honest and humorous insights to help parents stop power struggles, yelling, and defiance.

1. Introduction

In the episode titled "The Truth About Lying & How To Stop It," Kirk Martin addresses a common yet challenging issue faced by many parents: persistent lying in children. Recognizing the emotional toll and potential long-term impacts of handling lies improperly, Martin aims to provide parents with a deeper understanding and effective strategies to manage and reduce lying behaviors in their children.

2. Understanding Children's Lying Behavior

Kirk Martin begins by empathizing with parents who are frustrated by their child's habitual lying. He states:

"99.9% of your kids are not sociopaths. They're not narcissists, and they're not gaslighting reprobates." (03:18)

Martin emphasizes that lying is often a sign that a child has a conscience and understands right from wrong. He explains that when children lie, it's typically to avoid getting into trouble for something they've done wrong, not because of malicious intent.

"Your child does something wrong and he knows it was wrong, and that's why he lies, because he doesn't want to get in trouble for what he did." (03:29)

3. Root Causes of Lying

Martin delves into the underlying reasons why children lie, highlighting impulsivity as a natural part of childhood development. He points out that:

• Impulsivity is Normal: Children are inherently impulsive as part of their learning process. Lying is one manifestation of this impulsivity.

  "Kids are supposed to be impulsive. Why? Because that's how you learn." (04:02)

• Neurological Factors: Children with conditions like ADHD or ASD may exhibit higher levels of impulsivity and, consequently, deceptive behaviors due to brain stimulation issues.

  "If your kids are on the spectrum, if they have ADD or ADHD, they're going to be even more impulsive." (05:17)

• Emotional Responses: Feelings of embarrassment, shame, or fear of punishment often drive children to lie as a protective mechanism.

4. Normalizing vs. Shaming

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to contrasting the approaches of normalizing versus shaming children for lying.

• Normalization: Martin advocates for acknowledging that lying is a common human behavior, especially in impulsive moments. By normalizing the behavior, parents can address the issue without escalating the situation.

  "I want you to normalize it. And I do mean normalize it. I'm not saying excuse it." (13:59)

• Shaming and Lecturing: He cautions against overreacting or lecturing children about lying, as this can lead to increased dishonesty and damage the parent-child relationship.

  "We get flustered and start lecturing endlessly... and reinforce the shame and shake your head at them." (06:33)

5. Building Trust and Confidence

Martin emphasizes the importance of building a trusting and supportive relationship with children. By fostering an environment where children feel safe to tell the truth without fear of excessive punishment or shame, parents can encourage honesty.

• Modeling Behavior: Instead of lecturing, parents should model the integrity and honesty they wish to see in their children.

  "Your greatest lecture to your kids is what you do and how you live." (04:02)

• Empathetic Communication: Understanding and empathizing with the child's emotions can help address the root causes of lying.

  "I want you to handle it matter of factly... show them how to build friendships in a positive way so they don't do that in the future." (14:57)

6. Discipline as Problem-Solving

Martin redefines discipline, shifting the focus from punishment to problem-solving and teaching.

• Equitable Consequences: Instead of imposing arbitrary punishments, he suggests allowing children to participate in determining appropriate consequences that teach responsibility.

  "Sometimes you can even ask your child, so what do you think an appropriate consequence should be?" (17:56)

• Role-Playing and Problem-Solving: Engaging children in discussions about alternative actions and positive behaviors helps them develop better decision-making skills.

  "I'd rather have you role play the situation. Problem solving, problem solve." (14:56)

7. Practical Strategies and Tools

Martin introduces several practical strategies for parents to manage and reduce lying:

• Normalize the Behavior: Acknowledge that lying is a common reaction to fear of punishment or shame. This helps in addressing the behavior without exacerbating it.

• Build Trust: Create a supportive environment where children feel safe to admit mistakes. This involves active listening and empathetic responses.

• Develop Confidence: Encourage children to build self-esteem and social skills, reducing their need to lie for social acceptance.

• Use Appropriate Consequences: Focus on consequences that teach rather than punish, such as community service or helping others in similar situations.

• Provide Tools for Success: Utilize resources like the Calm Parenting Package to equip parents with scripts and strategies for handling difficult situations.

  "We show you how to give kids tools to succeed so we can build their confidence." (17:55)

8. Conclusion

In wrapping up the episode, Martin reiterates the importance of addressing lying behavior with understanding and strategic communication rather than shame and punishment. He encourages parents to shift their mindset towards building strong, trusting relationships that naturally discourage dishonesty.

"Most of all, this is what I want. For you to build a close, trusting relationship with your kids so that when they do mess up... they feel confident to come to you boldly in their time of need so you can help them, not shame or lecture them." (18:32)

Martin invites parents to utilize the resources offered by Celebrate Calm, emphasizing the availability of support and tools to navigate parenting challenges effectively.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Understanding Lying as a Conscience Indicator:
  "99.9% of your kids are not sociopaths. They're not narcissists, and they're not gaslighting reprobates." (03:18)

• Children's Awareness of Right and Wrong:
  "Your child does something wrong and he knows it was wrong, and that's why he lies, because he doesn't want to get in trouble for what he did." (03:29)

• Normalization of Impulsivity:
  "Kids are supposed to be impulsive. Why? Because that's how you learn." (04:02)

• Modeling Integrity Over Lecturing:
  "Your greatest lecture to your kids is what you do and how you live." (04:02)

• Redefining Discipline as Problem-Solving:
  "I'd rather have you role play the situation. Problem solving, problem solve." (14:56)

• Building Trust Through Empathy:
  "Build a close, trusting relationship with your kids so that when they do mess up... they feel confident to come to you boldly in their time of need." (18:32)

Resources Mentioned:

• Celebrate Calm Website: www.CelebrateCalm.com
• Email for Support: Casey@CelebrateCalm.com
• ADHD University Program: For understanding brain processes related to ADHD and other conditions.
• Calm Parenting Package & Get Everything Package: Tools and scripts for handling parenting challenges effectively.

Final Thoughts:

Kirk Martin's episode provides a compassionate and practical approach to understanding and managing lying in children. By shifting the focus from punishment to empathy, trust-building, and problem-solving, parents can address the root causes of dishonesty and foster a healthier, more honest relationship with their children.