Calm Parenting Podcast Episode #540

“Tired Of Being A Verbal Punching Bag & Want Kids to Be Responsible For Impulse Control & Sassy Attitudes?”
Host: Kirk Martin
Date: November 30, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin addresses several common parenting challenges sent in by listeners, especially for parents of strong-willed or neurodivergent kids. The central theme is how to shift responsibility and ownership for actions, choices, and emotional responses back to children—without drama, guilt, or power struggles. Through practical scripts, empathetic boundaries, and real-life examples, Kirk emphasizes concrete, compassionate strategies that encourage accountability and foster connection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Letting Kids Own the Consequences of Their Choices

(Starts ~03:01)

• A parent asks: How to deal with kids afraid of the dark who keep insisting on scary shows?
• Kirk’s Insight: Stop rescuing kids from the natural consequences of their choices.
  • Instead of comforting or validating endlessly, state the connection matter-of-factly:

    “Well, of course you had a nightmare. That’s what happens when you watch scary shows.”
    (04:33, Kirk)

  • Don't be cold or snotty, but be factual and let the ownership sit with them.
  • When parents take on kids' emotional fallout as their own (guilt, anger), it blurs healthy boundaries and perpetuates the cycle.

Memorable Quote:

“When you liberate yourself from needing to feel negative—or needed—from reacting with anger or guilt, you will liberate your kids to actually own their own choices.”
(06:30, Kirk)

2. Handling Destructive Mistakes Without Drama

(Starts ~07:12)

• Listener question: What consequence do you give when kids break windows?
• Kirk’s Approach: Keep it businesslike, avoid drama/shame, hold kids accountable.
  • Option 1: Extend mercy if it’s a one-time accident, with a friendly reminder for next time.
  • Option 2: For repeat offenses, get an estimate for repairs and let kids figure out how to pay it off—yard sales, chores, odd jobs.
• Core Principle: Accountability with dignity—no shaming, lecturing, or disapproval spirals.

Memorable Quote:

“Sometimes a little mercy is helpful... no drama, I’m not angry, just holding them accountable and giving them tools to pay this off.”
(08:29, Kirk)

3. Responding to Sassy and Disrespectful Tweens/Teens

(Starts ~11:12)

• Parent concern: How to not take sassy, disrespectful tween behavior personally?
• Kirk’s Guidance:
  • Expect volatility—teens are supposed to be moody as they navigate sudden emotions, hormones, and independence.
  • Model calm, short, matter-of-fact responses:

    “Hey, that’s not going to work well for you here.”
    (14:51, Kirk)

  • Don’t respond with lectures or over-personalize (“after all I’ve done for you…”).
  • Affirm their positives vigorously, especially dads; your acceptance means everything to your kids.
  • Create traditions for handling tough moods (walks, snacks, code words).

Memorable Quote:

“Their entire life at this age is drama... You get to be the one person in their life who doesn’t create more drama... the parent they can count on.”
(13:05, Kirk)

4. Dealing With Kids Who Struggle When Plans Change

(Starts ~18:20)

• Real-life scenario: Child yells at mom because a thunderstorm cancels a pool trip (“You lied to me; it’s your fault!”).
• Kirk’s Advice:
  • Validate disappointment with matching intensity; don’t dismiss (“it’s no big deal”) or get defensive (“I try to make you happy!”).
  • Set clear boundaries for venting (“You’ve got 7 minutes, then we problem-solve for Plan B”).
  • Clearly state limits:

    “I’m not going to be your verbal punching bag. I refuse to accept blame over something I have no control over.”
    (22:40, Kirk)

  • Proactively give kids ownership: ask them to devise backup plans before plans are set.

5. Building Impulse Control (Especially with ADHD/Neurodivergence)

(Starts ~24:09)

• Parents ask about supporting impulse control.
• Kirk’s Reframe:
  • Impulsivity can be a superpower—initiative, risk-taking, creativity.
  • Honest, optimistic perspective:

    “Yes, you are impulsive. That means you get excited about ideas and you have initiative. That will serve you well…”
    (25:05, Kirk)

  • Discuss the upside and downside openly with your child; motivate them to practice impulse control as a skill.
  • Model it: Family rules around delayed gratification (e.g., waiting to make purchases; leaving fries on the plate; trading today’s game time for more tomorrow).
  • Shift from “fixing” weaknesses to balancing, while spending most energy on nurturing strengths.

Memorable Quote:

“What I find offensive and destructive in society is that we single out our kids with negative labels... Nobody singles out compliant kids and says, ‘How are they going to succeed in the real world?’”
(27:38, Kirk)

6. Should Parents Be Vulnerable About Parenting and Growth?

(Starts ~33:01)

• Listener shares: She listens to parenting programs with her kids—now they see her working on relationships, not just acting as the “wizard behind the curtain.”
• Kirk’s Response:
  • Embrace family growth and normalize struggle for everyone (“we all have triggers... we’re all responsible for our responses”).
  • Involve kids in family learning; let them witness and participate in your growth.
  • Encourage open conversation:

    “So what do you want to begin doing differently, son or daughter?”
    (35:58, Kirk)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You are becoming entangled emotionally with [your kids]. Your kids make a choice and get afraid. You then feel like you need to comfort or validate them emotionally, which probably prolongs this cycle.” (05:15, Kirk)
• “Most of us did that stuff as kids—chill a little bit.” (10:45, Kirk)
• “If you handle [the drama years] right, it will bond you very, very closely—because you’ll be the one not freaking out.” (16:53, Kirk)
• “You can choose to be miserable for the rest of the day, or you can use that great imagination and creativity to come up with a different plan.” (23:42, Kirk)
• “The fact that you encouraged us to listen to your programs with our kids totally freed me... What a great lesson to teach them.” (34:06, Listener email)

Practical Strategies and Scripts (by Topic)

- Nightmares from Scary Shows:

• “Of course you had a nightmare. That’s what happens when you watch scary shows.” (04:33)
• “If you don’t want the nightmares, then you need to make a different choice.” (05:28)

- Broken Windows (or other accidents):

• “This time I’ve got this. Next time you pay for it.” (08:09)
• “I got the estimate for the window. Let me know how you plan to work this amount off.” (08:45)

- Sassy/Disrespectful Kids:

• “Hey, that’s not going to work well for you here.” (14:51)
• “I can hear that tone... Let me know if you want to go for a walk, grab a smoothie, or color with me.” (15:41)

- Plan Changes:

• “Oh man, I hate when plans change. That’s hard.” (20:09)
• “For the next seven minutes, vent to me...after that, we problem-solve.” (22:13)
• “I refuse to accept blame over something I have no control over.” (22:40)

- Impulse Control:

• “We always walk out of the store and wait two days before going back.” (28:22)
• “How many fries will we leave on the plate today—just to show that you can?” (29:13)
• “If you turn the video games off three minutes early, you’ll get 12 more minutes tomorrow.” (30:10)

Conclusion & Mission for Parents

• This week's mission: Step back. Give your kids ownership of their choices. Model responsibility and impulse control with calm, businesslike interactions.
• Invite kids into the conversation about growth—parenting is a family affair, not a secret adult club.
• Much respect and love to you all. (36:39, Kirk)

Quick Reference: Key Segments

| Timestamp | Topic/Insight | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------------------| | 03:01 | Letting kids own consequences of choices (fear/nightmares)| | 07:12 | Handling destruction or accidents without drama | | 11:12 | Responding to sassy/disrespectful kids | | 18:20 | Coping with plans changing | | 24:09 | Building impulse control; reframing ADHD/impulsivity | | 33:01 | Parental vulnerability and shared family growth | | 35:58 | Practical wrap-up: family discussion and mission |

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www.CelebrateCalm.com
Email: Casey@CelebrateCalm.com