Calm Parenting Podcast — Episode #559

"Tough Toddler, Teen & In-Between Behavior Issues"

Host: Kirk Martin
Date: February 4, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin explores how parents can turn irritating or frustrating child behaviors into opportunities for bonding, teaching, and understanding. He encourages shifting from reacting with anxiety and control to being calm, curious, and constructive, offering real-life examples from families he's coached. The goal is to celebrate unique, strong-willed kids by understanding their brains and motivations and working with them instead of against them.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Shifting the Parental Mindset: From Control to Connection

• Kirk stresses the common temptation to react with lectures or control when kids behave in ways that irritate or worry us.
• He emphasizes the value of stepping back, managing our anxiety, and seeing behavior through the child’s lens: “You have kids who are going to do things in a way that really irritates you… I want you to be able to turn irritating situations into bonding ones.” (04:22)

2. Real-life Story: The Teen Who Procrastinates

• A mom finds her daughter up at 2am finishing a project last minute. Her first impulse is to lecture, but instead she pauses, listens to Kirk’s advice, and chooses a new response.
• Instead of scolding, she offers a fist bump and says:
  • Notable Quote:

    “You know what? That was clutch. You got your project done. You stayed up till the middle of the night. You were conscientious. …You cared about it enough to battle being tired and staying up. You were focused late at night. You got it done and I’m proud of you.”
    (05:53)

  • The daughter’s face “was priceless” as she asked if her mom was mad. The mom responds:

    “Why would I be mad at you? You got it done. You just didn’t do it the way I would have done it. But you did get it done. You were clutch, you came through under pressure, you were focused and conscientious. It's well done.” (06:45)

Impact:

• By removing criticism, the parent creates trust and avoids a shame cycle.
• Three weeks later, the daughter asks for help on her own, leading to productive conversations about ADHD and brain differences.
  • Notable Quote:

    “There’s nothing wrong with your brain. It just works differently… You have to learn how to manage your energy because you work on momentum, you’re a highly sensitive person…” (08:12)

3. Understanding Behavior: The Real Reasons Behind It

• Kirk highlights why kids do things differently:
  • Some need quiet to focus and so wait till late hours.
  • Procrastination can act as a tool for brain stimulation—deadline pressure triggers adrenaline and boosts focus.
  • Consequences: Sometimes, the natural result (like tiredness) is enough—no need to “pile on.” (10:20)
  • Parental control/anxiety can unintentionally make children feel like “failures who can never please.”

Teaching Moment:

• “Now the daughter is starting to take ownership over this herself because she’s understanding how her brain works.” (09:35)

4. Younger Kids: Messes and Impulsivity

• Example: Two boys wrestling with expensive pillows duct taped to their bodies, resulting in ruined pillows.

  • Typical reaction: “What were you thinking?”

  • Kirk’s approach: First, praise what went right—playing outside, being creative, being safe.

    • Notable Quote:

      “Hey, awesome job being outside playing together… That was a really creative solution.” (14:28)

  • Consequences are necessary, but should be logical, not shaming:

    • “You just ruined… the two pillows. So you’re going to have to do some chores… to earn some money to pay for replacement pillows. …Nothing mean about that.” (16:37)

• Recognize impulsivity and lack of foresight as developmentally appropriate for young kids.

  • “They’re impulsive because that’s what you’re supposed to be when you’re a kid.” (15:17)

5. Encouraging Problem Solving & Independence

• Example: Kids making messes when trying to cook/eat independently.
  • Response: Acknowledge initiative and independence, offer to help clean up, and use the moment to teach new skills—instead of insisting they clean it all on their own.
  • “Let’s celebrate your independence and creativity… I’ll help you clean up, which means you’re going to do most of it and then I can show you how to cook for yourself.” (18:30)

6. Letting Kids Find Their Own Path

• Kirk shares a personal example: Wanting his son to play ball sports (like him), but his son chooses hockey and skiing.
• Many kids seek areas of success independent from their parents’ expertise or expectations.
  • Notable Quote:

    “Your kids will often—strong-willed kids will often choose a different area in which to excel in life… The child will choose an area that’s their own…so they can shine.” (22:25)

7. Practical Weekly Challenge: Flip the Script

• Action Step:
  • Pick an irritating behavior or situation this week.
  • Ask yourself: “Why do they do it that way?” Be a detective.
  • Affirm what works for your child and teach them to work with their brain, not against it.
  • Example: “I am curious. Why did you do it that way? Because it seems to work for you—it’s just different than I would do it.” (24:55)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On shifting from criticism to connection:

  “999,999 parents will handle it that way. I want you to be the one who is different.” (06:41)

• On letting go of control:

  “As parents it’s like, please get that done because then I can kind of mentally check it off of my list. …She had to step out of her own control issues over how she would do it.” (11:00)

• On kids’ need to differentiate:

  “They want their own area…sometimes they kind of shut down because they want their own area [of success].” (22:35)

• Encouragement for parents:

  “If we can help you in any way, let us know. …Love you all. Talk to you soon.” (25:59)

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 04:20 — Setting up the episode’s main story: handling irritating child behaviors with calm.
• 05:35-07:10 — Mom’s story: choosing affirmation over lecture.
• 08:00-10:40 — How brain differences and ADHD affect behavior; why kids procrastinate.
• 14:04 — The “pillow wrestling” story: recognizing creativity before consequences.
• 18:02-19:12 — Helping young kids clean up messes while affirming independence.
• 22:25 — Why strong-willed kids find their own areas to excel.
• 24:46 — Weekly challenge: be curious, affirm strengths, and problem-solve together.

Tone & Style

Kirk’s delivery is practical, humorous, and empathetic. He normalizes parental frustrations, gives concrete, compassionate alternatives to traditional discipline, and champions curiosity and flexibility over rigidity and shame. His anecdotes are vivid and relatable, and his encouragement is warm and nonjudgmental.

Summary: Core Takeaways

• Pause before reacting; fight your own anxiety and control urges.
• Affirm what your child did well, even in imperfect situations.
• Be curious about their motivations instead of defaulting to criticism or shame.
• Use natural consequences: Don’t “pile on” when the outcome is already unpleasant (like being tired).
• Allow your child to own their growth: When they’re ready, they’ll ask for help if they feel safe and uncriticized.
• Encourage and celebrate individuality, even when it doesn’t match your own interests or “the way you’d do it.”
• Flip the script this week: Find a new way to see and handle an irritating behavior.

For more strategies, visit CelebrateCalm.com or have your kids listen along—sometimes just hearing their experiences described is powerful.