Calm Parenting Podcast - Episode #534
Triggered By Kids’ Noises & Messes, Sibling Fights, Backtalk, Dawdling?
Host: Kirk Martin
Date: November 9, 2025
Main Theme
This episode dives into a core parenting struggle: how to identify and control your own triggers when faced with messes, sibling fights, noise, backtalk, dawdling, and other everyday stresses. Kirk Martin emphasizes breaking generational cycles, not passing triggers onto kids, and creating connection instead of conflict. The episode blends practical strategies, honest self-reflection, and real-life stories—delivered with Kirk’s trademark humor and encouragement.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
Why We Get Triggered—and Why It Matters
- Triggers are often deeply ingrained, reaching back to our own childhoods. If left unmanaged, we unintentionally create constant power struggles, hurt relationships, and miss key teachable moments.
- Quote [06:45]:
“Don’t force your kids to be responsible for your triggers... These are for you to deal with, not for your kids to work around.”
(Kirk Martin) - Acknowledge it: Your triggers are your responsibility to manage. Don’t expect your child to change simply because you haven’t addressed your own reactions.
The Real Goal of Parenting
- Shifting focus from daily tasks (like homework, chores, hygiene) to teaching kids healthy strategies for handling big feelings, conflict, and relationships.
- Quote [09:01]:
“Teaching kids how to own their own issues... and make healthy choices with relationships, man, that’s everything.”
(Kirk Martin)
Example 1: Managing Triggers Around Messes
- Step-by-step approach:
- Sit in the midst of the mess without fixing it.
- Notice your bodily reactions (racing heart, short breath, headache).
- Reflect on why it triggers you (overwhelm, guilt, fear your kids won’t grow up tidy, resentment, feeling disrespected, parental judgment).
- With practice, sitting among the mess lowers reactivity and power from the trigger.
- Quote [16:20]:
“I want you to practice this one day. Just sit down in the midst of the mess...without fixing it right away.”
(Kirk Martin) - Tips: Listen to music, organize a small area, use the rhythm as an anchor.
- If you need something done a very specific way (e.g., loading the dishwasher), just own it and do it yourself—don't make it others’ job.
Resetting Expectations
-
Little kids make messes—it’s normal and not a sign of failed parenting.
-
Perspective shift: Kids who build forts and create are not destined to become lifelong slobs. “That is your anxiety speaking.”
-
Quote [41:12]:
“Your kids are just being kids. That’s what they’re supposed to be. Stop imposing your grown-up responsibilities on kids.”
(Kirk Martin) -
Action: Relax boundaries, set clear limits if needed (e.g., “forts only in this room”), but avoid catastrophizing future outcomes.
Example 2: Handling Discordant Noises
- For highly sensitive parents, noise can be a major trigger, especially without rhythm (unlike music).
- Strategy: Instead of reacting to the noise, focus on what you can control:
- Use rhythmic movements (gently tapping hands on your thighs) to self-soothe.
- Use noise-canceling headphones or AirPods with music—no shame.
- Quote [30:45]:
“Control the one thing you can—yourself. That internal peace is more important than making the kids be quiet.”
(Kirk Martin)
Example 3: Dawdling
- Often rooted in your own upbringing or anxiety (Kirk references his military dad).
- Kids’ slowness can mirror your pressure.
- Instead of rushing, lead calmly and manage your own energy:
- “When I realized that he wasn’t rejecting my authority, he was rejecting my anxiety... I began to lead him instead of trying to rush him.” [32:12]
Example 4: Sibling Fights & Backtalk—A Real-Life Dad’s Story
-
One dad used the “identify and diagram” process from Kirk’s program:
- Identify triggers: Kids fight, dad barges in, escalates.
- Diagram response: One child provokes, the other escalates, dad escalates, everyone’s upset.
- Plan new responses:
- Casually state he’s leaving the room for a chore (“Anyone want to help?”), with no drama
- Sits nearby, earbuds in, listening to music/podcast (sometimes involving kids if it’s a shared interest)
- Leaves them to sort it out unless truly necessary
- Offers intense emotional engagement elsewhere (e.g., making something together if boredom is the cause)
- Sits in the room without talking, letting discomfort pass rather than escalating
-
Dad’s Insight [58:06]:
“Nine out of ten times, they’re not hurting each other, and they can learn to sort it out themselves. Moms and dads, we often make these situations worse by jumping in and trying to fix them.”
Overarching Practical Strategies
- Sit with discomfort—build tolerance to triggers and break their power over you.
- Do the opposite of your first impulse: If you normally intervene, step back. If you normally yell, get quiet.
- Reframe your narrative:
- Instead of “My kids are so messy,” try “They’re creative.”
- Instead of “They never listen,” focus on incremental progress and opportunities for connection.
- Model self-control: It teaches kids how to handle big emotions and difficult situations, directly shaping their future relationships.
Connection Over Control
- Every trigger can become a bonding moment or teaching opportunity if handled with awareness and creativity.
- Quote [69:35]:
“The goal isn’t to get your kids to behave. It’s to build a relationship so they follow you out of a deep sense of respect and trust.”
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- [06:45] Kirk:
“Don’t force your kids to be responsible for your triggers…these are for you to deal with.”
- [09:01] Kirk:
“Teaching kids how to own their own issues…and make healthy choices with relationships, man, that’s everything.”
- [16:20] Kirk:
“Just sit down in the midst of the mess…without fixing it right away.”
- [30:45] Kirk:
“Control the one thing you can—yourself.”
- [32:12] Kirk:
“He wasn’t rejecting my authority, he was rejecting my anxiety.”
- [41:12] Kirk:
“Your kids are just being kids. That’s what they’re supposed to be.”
- [58:06] Real-life Dad:
“Nine out of ten times, they’re not hurting each other, and they can learn to sort it out themselves…we often make these situations worse by jumping in and trying to fix them.”
- [69:35] Kirk:
“The goal isn’t to get your kids to behave. It’s to build a relationship so they follow you out of a deep sense of respect and trust.”
Timestamps for Important Segments
- 00:00–04:40: Ads and promotional codes (skipped in summary)
- 04:41–09:59: Why triggers matter; generational patterns; main episode goal
- 10:00–19:30: Example 1: Sitting with messes, step-by-step practice
- 19:31–31:20: Further strategies (rhythmic actions, self-soothing); noise triggers
- 31:21–36:00: Dawdling; how anxiety and childhood upbringing factor in
- 36:01–48:00: Sibling fights and backtalk; a mother's story on messes/forts; resetting expectations
- 48:01–59:30: Dad’s engineering approach to sibling fights; diagramming triggers and responses; planned new actions
- 59:31–End: Kirk’s encouragement, reflecting on the overall goal; building trust and connection
Takeaways for Listeners
- Getting “triggered” by your kids is normal and often rooted in your own history.
- It’s your responsibility to understand and manage your reactions—not your child’s job to walk on eggshells.
- Approaching triggers as growth opportunities (rather than failings) can transform both your parenting and your relationship with your children.
- New responses—however uncomfortable or counterintuitive—can help break old cycles and foster family harmony.
Episode Tone
Warm, encouraging, humorous, and direct. Kirk combines tough love with empathy, relatable stories, and immediate practical steps for real parents facing real challenges. The focus is always on moving from conflict to connection.
Further Resources Mentioned
- Episode #477 – 7 Killer Ideas to Get Kids to Clean Up (May 7, 2025)
- Celebrate Calm’s Discipline That Works and 30 Days to Calm programs