← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
Casey Martin
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
Do you ever have situations in which chaos is just breaking out all over your home? Right. It's noisy, the kids are squabbling, there's stuff all over the place. Or maybe you have a child who is melting down, usually over something small and seemingly insignificant. Right? And it's frustrating and so you rush into the situation to fix it and it usually makes it worse. Today I want to give you a tool strategy, an action step, just one. I want you to work on this this week because it will completely change those situations, stop the power struggles and it'll break some nasty patterns that we all have from our childhood. So that is what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help. Reach out to our strong willed son, Casey. And I was about to say, well, he was the one who created chaos in our home. But that's not true. I'm the one who created chaos. My responses, my reactions to Casey created chaos. And the number one thing that changed our family life was not changing our son. It was me changing myself, getting control of my own emotions so that I didn't escalate everyday situations. So Casey gets this because he lived all of this. He is like your strong willed child because he's A strong willed young man. It's Casey C A s e y@celebratecalm.com Tell us about your family. Ages of the kids, what are you struggling with? We get together as a family, we talk about it, and then we will reply back to you personally with practical, helpful tips. Why? Because that's what we do. We want to help you. If you ever need anything, if you want to book us for a live event because we're traveling a lot now for live events, or if you need help with our products, even need help financially, reach out to Casey. He lives. Look, he's like all of your kids. He wasn't that great when he was in our home, but he was awesome for other adults. So take advantage of that. So here's the situation and I want you to do this. Next time your child's melting down, really upset, siblings squabbling, there's chaos in your home. I want you to try and practice one thing. I want you to literally just sit in the midst of the chaos and meltdown without trying to fix the situation, without trying to change your child, without, without trying to make it better. I want you to sit in the midst of the chaos and meltdown without trying to fix it. So just sit with your legs crossed, without emotion, observing. Release yourself from the impulse, the need for some of you, the compulsion to fix your child and fix the situation so that the noise and chaos and meltdowns go away. And here's why this is critically important for you to do. Number one, it allows the situation to play out and fix itself sometimes, right? Without you jumping in and escalating things. Because we go in and we start talking a lot. And when kids are upset, they're not rational. Talking is rational. Using lots of words provokes your kids to anger. Is that not true? You've seen it before. So I want to prevent you from provoking your kids to anger and escalating. Number two, instead of trying to convince your child that everything's okay so that you can move on with your day, you actually listen and problem solve. Get to the root. Because how many times do we just try to put out the fire, right? So we can keep completing items on our parenting agenda, right? It's almost like we're saying, hey, enough with all that emotion stuff right now. I've got boxes to check off because I'm on this parenting project where I'm trying to be the best parent I can be and I got a long list of stuff I got to get done. And your little emotions and your meltdowns and this chaos and all this stuff just getting in the way of what I'm trying to accomplish. Right? That's kind of what we're saying sometimes. So I don't need to convince my child. In fact, I'll just encourage stop convincing other people of anything. It doesn't work. Right? And so you control yourself instead. Number three, when both parents rush in the room, what happens? You usually trigger each other because you're not on the same page. And now three people are upset instead of just one. And your child's looking at you like, I get why I'm upset because I'm a little kid. But why are you two grown ups freaking out all around me? See, that escalates things as well. Number four, you are breaking that caretaker pattern that compels you to help and fix everyone else, usually at your own expense. I'm talking to you, my, my dear. Social workers, nurses, teachers, anyone in the helping professions. Most of you have a caretaker pattern that you learned from childhood. You started taking care of everybody else and ignoring yourself, right? You know how that works. Look, some of that is very noble. You're giving caring people, but you go too far. And then you become responsible for everybody's happiness, everybody's moods. And then you don't take care of yourself, so you end up becoming resentful, right? Moms, dads, you are not responsible for everybody else, everybody else's happiness, or their moods. You're not responsible for making sure every situation goes perfectly. A lot of moms have struggled with this. Why? Because you are married to a man who comes home and gets upset at what the kids do. So now you're managing your kids behavior. Kids pick everything up. Pick everything up because dad's on the way home. He doesn't like when there's mess on the floor. Especially if you're married to an engineer, project manager kind of person, right? They don't like that disorder. It freaks them out. And now you're managing your kid's emotions, and now you're managing your spouse's emotions, trying to hold it all together. And that'll lead to adrenal fatigue and that will lead to resentment. After all I do for everybody around here and nobody ever takes care of me, right? So you've got to internalize this truth that you're not responsible for fixing everything and making sure everything goes smoothly, or you will end up either being resentful or you'll control everyone else. They won't like that. And you get resentful when your kids or your spouse doesn't respond the way you want them to. Because watch. And watch this part of it. There's a lot of guys I work with. This is what we're really saying. Your mood makes me really uncomfortable, so cut it out and change your mood so that I can be happy. Right? That is a very common guy thing with it. That's why we say, like, oh, honey, there's no need to be upset. Oh, you're just overreacting. It's because your mood makes me really uncomfortable. So I want you to stop that, Stop how you're feeling so that I'm not uncomfortable. Right? Maturity. And that's why I encourage you to go. Go through the programs, go through calm couples universities. So you learn not to control each other as spouses. And you learn how to look at your wife and say, look, if you want to be in a bad mood, right? If you just want to be upset, look, I can normalize it. Look, you should be upset, right?
- [08:54]
Mrs. Calm
You should be overwhelmed.
- [08:55]
Kirk Martin
Honey, we have three children, and you're married to me. I get it. If you want to be in that. I'm completely comfortable with that. Look, if you. If you want to come and talk to me, preferably at halftime, I'd love to listen to you, but I don't have to fix it. I don't need to make you feel better. I don't need to change your mood for my sake. Does that make sense? It's not that I don't care about other people. I do. I want other people to be happy. I want to be giving and kind and selfless. But that's different than me trying to make other people be happy for my own sake, right? So you're breaking. So by sitting in the midst of a situation and observing without trying to fix it, you're beginning to break that pattern that compels you at all. Look, you can't do a family get together without you managing everything and make sure everybody's happy. Who brings that and who brings that? It's exhausting. Number five, you are purposefully exposing yourself to something that triggers you. So this is triggering. Your kids are melting down. They're noisy, they're loud. It's irritating. I get it. It triggers you. So you're purposefully going in and sitting there. So you're exposing yourself to something that triggers you so that you can be annoyed by it, but then not triggered to react. Does that make sense? You're practicing this. You're sitting in it. So it's like, okay, that's annoying. It's really bothering me. But I'm not going to allow this to trigger me so that I lecture, yell and try to fix it. You sit in it and you begin to realize I can handle this. I don't have to fix it. I can actually experience peace in the midst of this thing that used to drive me crazy. So Mrs. Calm told me yesterday I wish I.
- [10:49]
Mrs. Calm
Had begun drinking AG1 sooner. My stomach has felt so much calmer and I'm more regular. My Ag one in the Morning provides some consistency I really crave and that's one reason I love my AG1.
- [11:03]
Kirk Martin
It's an easy, healthy daily routine.
- [11:06]
Mrs. Calm
No messes, no blenders. We put one scoop of AG1 into a bottle of water, shake it up and and start our day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients. Check out a Special offer@drinkag1.com Calm look, I've got more energy, better mental clarity and AG1 supports my immune health. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. Be an AG1 couple like us AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to start your day with a win. When we moved to our home we were quoted a cost of over $20,000 for some trees and shrubs. But we just saved 90% with fast growing trees and they helped us get the exact privacy and flowering trees and shrubs for our specific climate. And it's delivered right to our door in days. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers including us. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. Their alive and thrive guarantees ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants this spring. Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the Code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15 off at fast growing trees.com using the code CALM fast growingtrees.com Calm offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply.
- [13:17]
Kirk Martin
Number six when you slow your world down inside and it's a big part of this right and that's why sitting is helpful. It automatically slows you down. You observe, you begin to see the situation more clearly. Look, the whole goal of being calm is not to be calm. That's not the end goal. People are always emailing, well, I was calm. I was like, being calm is a tool. It is part of the process we get in order to see more clearly, in order to not react and escalate everything. Right. It's not the end goal. It's a means to calming the situation, to seeing it more clearly so you can identify the root of the issue. Because most of the time we rush in and we react to the outward behavior or the outward manifestation of what's really going on inside. The easiest one is anxiety. Your kids have anxiety over going to new places. It's going to manifest as, no, I'm not going taekwondo. Stupid. You're stupid. Well, the real issue there isn't the defiance of disrespectful words. It's the anxiety that's triggering that. So when I can identify the root of the issue, I can actually help my child. See, most meltdowns are not rational anyway. They're irrational. And that's why talking it through often makes it worse. Meltdowns happen when kids feel out of control, which is why we often give them something to concrete, something tangible, something they can manipulate in their hands so that they feel in control of something in that moment that helps them calm down. Number seven, sitting down changes your tone of voice so you can stay very even. You're not pleading, you're not asking them. You're not being too sweet. Right? You're also not threatening and yelling. You can acknowledge your child's frustration with intensity, but no emotion. Of course you're upset. You know, if I were you, I'd be really frustrated, too. See, sometimes that intensity is reassuring and calming. And then you can give your child a tool to calm down. You can give them space, you can problem solve, give them something they're in control of, or you just let it play out. Number eight. And one of the most important ones to me is this. You're sending this message when your world is out of control. Mine's not. I can help you no matter what you are going through. See, then you become the safe place for your child, for your teenager, no matter what they're going through. And you are modeling for them how to handle disappointment and frustration. When you begin to learn how to control yourself, it is the greatest lecture you can ever give your child, because they will see you in everyday situations. Not freaking out, controlling Yourself. That is huge. That's what we're after. See, this will help stop the power struggles. There's no blame or guiltness. I believe that we as parents provoke about 75% of the power struggles because of our own anxiety, because of our own control issues, our own perfectionism, all the junk we broke from childhood that provokes kids to anger and provokes power struggles and makes them escalate. See, this will help you stop those. And it'll break those unhealthy generational patterns of controlling and trying to fix everybody else, which makes everybody unhappy. And you will build a trusting relationship with your child. That's what we want. Look, this is why I encourage you. If you want to make changes at last, listen to the calm parenting package or get to everything package, but go through it. You will go through the 30 days to calm, which shows you how to calm yourself, how to get control of yourself so that you can sit in the midst of all the chaos without trying to fix everybody else. It will change every aspect of your life, in every relationship, not just with your kids. And you go through the mom's program, you learn how to be assertive and speak up for yourself and not be a pushover. And you go through the dad's program, you learn how to lead with calm, confident authority. And we teach you how to discipline, actually teach your kids in the moment, stop defying to motivate your kids and everything else. Sibling issues, screens, it's all in there. So if you need help with that, go to celebratecalm.com or email Casey at celebratecalm. Com. We want to help you, so love you all. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thank you for sharing it with others. Please let us know if we can help you, because that's what we exist to do. Thanks so much. Love you all. Bye.