Kirk Martin (0:00)

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Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com Kirk Visit ixl.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price okay, I have to admit I was skeptical about how much of a difference a mattress can make, but from the very first night we laid down on our Leesa mattress, it made a difference in how we slept, how our bodies felt, and how we felt the next day. That's a big deal. Leesa mattresses are meticulously crafted in the US for exceptional quality, plus they back it up with free shipping, easy returns and a 100 night sleep trial. We spend a third of our day trying to sleep, so choose a super comfortable mattress from Leesa tailored to how you sleep best without the luxury price tag. Go to Leesa.com for 25% off mattresses with their Labor Day early access sale. Plus get an extra $50 off with promo code Calm exclusively for my listeners. That's L EE E S a.com promo code CALM for 25% off mattresses plus silver extra $50 off and let them know that the Calm Parenting podcast sent you Lisa.com promo code CALM so we've been talking on the podcast about getting ready for back to school time. Here's another idea. Let your kids have some ownership of their homework space. Go to Wayfair.com you'll find a huge assortment of desks, organizers, and school supplies that can help your visual learners. Let your kids pick out a few items. We switched one year to a standing desk so Casey could move while writing and doing work. It was a game changer. We love Wayfair.com because it's one stop shopping right from the comfort of our home with fast free delivery even on those larger items. Oh, another idea. Get a whiteboard so you can visually lay out your daily or weekly schedule. Plus, it's a great place to write chores so you don't have to repeat yourself 15 times or. Wayfair makes this way easy. Get organized, refreshed, and back to routine for way less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home. So I remember exactly where I was when I got this idea for the podcast. Casey and I were on our father son hiking trip, and he had planned this really epic day. This was going to be a big hike with these views of the entire mountain range. We got up and it was really foggy, and we start climbing up through the woods. We had about 3,000ft of climbing. It's a hard climb. And he's in just. He's so quiet. I know when Casey is quiet, something's going on, because like many of your kids, he was chatterbox as a kid. He never stopped talking. And so along the way, he said, dad, I'm quiet because I'm so angry. I'm in such a bad mood. And you know how these kids are. They're like dark clouds, they're stormy. They're so intense. Mood can control the mood of the home. And he was upset because he wanted this to be a great day. And now we've talked about this, he started catastrophizing. You know, whole day's gonna be ruined. What if it doesn't clear up? We're gonna miss the best views the whole trip. And so I found myself having to be in this position where I was coaching myself that I am not responsible for. For his mood because I wanted to change it, but I focused on myself, okay, I'm going to enjoy this day. No matter what mood my son is in, no matter what happens, I'm going to control myself. Enjoy this day. I wanted to say, you know what's ruining the day? It's not the fog. It's your negativity and your attitude. Right? It wouldn't. It wouldn't be so bad if you would just change your attitude. And I want you to know that all of those thoughts you have are normal. There's nothing wrong with those thoughts. I just don't want you acting out on those thoughts and letting those thoughts control you. But I don't want you to think, well, if I become calm, I'll just never really struggle. Yeah, you will. I've been doing this 25 years. I was struggling on that hillside. And I told myself, in the moment I remember the exact spot because I was coming around this turn and I said to myself, back off and shut up. And I apologize if that sounds too harsh to you, but I really needed to say that to myself or I would have ruined this. And so instead the only thing I said was, case, I really appreciate all the effort you're putting into these hikes. And then I just put my head down and I kept going and I allowed him to own his mood. And I know you're going to struggle with this, but sometimes we jump in because we're so needy. It's like, well, I need his attitude to change so that I can be happy. But I want you to learn to live in the discomfort of this because if you don't, you will provoke so many power struggles with a strong willed child. And I don't want you to do that. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our Back to school sale@celebratecolm.com Kudos to you, by the way, for actually opening up and listening to a podcast that is titled Back off and Shut Up. And I can say it in a lot of different ways, but over the years, sometimes I've just wanted to scream to people, not at people. Back off. You just need to back off with the strong willed child or you will create so many power struggles and you'll blame it on your defiant child because they're so big headed and strong willed and they're so obstinate and they're so, and my point is always, well, so are you and that's why this is happening. So take a. Let's, let's look at a toddler and I give you examples for all age groups. So take a toddler who's just learning to tie his or her shoelaces and they're struggling with it and you're going to be like, honey, here, let me show you how to do that. Now most kids are going to be like, thank you, Mommy and daddy, I appreciate that, but your strong willed child probably won't. They're going to say no. You're going to be like, well, I'm just trying to help you, honey. No. And they're going to basically say, in other words, back home, off. And if you keep going, they may call you a jerk. And you're going to be tempted to take that personally with these kids. And so I don't want you. So notice the tone of voice. I want to model the tone of voice here because what I don't want you doing is the condescending tone of voice. Well, honey, if you don't tie your shoes the right way, they're going to be untied and you're going to trip and hurt yourself. That is so patronizing sounding to a strong willed child. So instead I'd probably say it like this. Okay, cool. I really like your independence. I love that you're willing to try new things yourself. Listen, if they're not typed correctly, you'll probably trip and you probably skin your knee. But you'll be okay with that. And I'm cool with that. Now if you want some help with that, just let me know. And then I give a little bit of space. I walk into the other room for two reasons. One, I give the child space. Space to process. Well, do I want my parent to help me or do I want to struggle through this? And if they're struggling through it, I want to give them space to struggle without you hovering over them. Because that is when a lot of these outbursts occur, when we're hovering over our child because they begin to feel your pressure and they can hear your lecture inside. Well, honey, if you just did it my way and you did it this way, then it would be done. And I can show you exactly how to do this because I have a lifetime of learning how to, of knowing how to tie my shoes and they know that, but they want the space. So back off a little bit. So no condescending tone, but no indignant tone. You know what? I'm just trying to help you. And all you ever do is reject it. No, that's your own issue. Don't do that. Do not take it personally. This is a three year old, a five year old, a 15 year old, who cares? They're a kid. Stop taking it personally. And I don't want you to own it. Now I understand you are a loving mom and dad and so part of the reason you want, part of the reason you want to help them with their shoes is admirable because you know if they don't tie their laces the right way, they're going to trip and fall and you don't want to see them hurt because you love your child. Now if you're honest about it, some of you, it's just, hey, I don't have time for you to figure out all this stuff. Let me show you how because I've got a schedule. We've got a schedule. We've Got to get rolling. And, and I know that, and I understand that, that you're busy parents, but I would caution you, encourage you, if you have a strong willed child, you're gonna have to let go of your agenda a little bit. You're gonna have to create space and time, extra time because you want your kids to learn these things themselves. It's not about just being productive and we're gonna get through the day and I'm gonna get all these things done. No, I'd rather create the time and cut out something else so that my child can learn to struggle. Because we allow that toddler to struggle. And let me give you this as kind of a benchmark here of what I'm talking about. I don't want kids to get injured, but I'm okay if they skin their knee, right? So when you're making these decisions, I think, oh, is my child just going to get bruised or are they going to get injured? I don't want kids to get injured. Another way to think about it is, hey, I want kids to struggle, but I don't want them to suffer. See, I don't want any humans to suffer, but struggle is good. Why? Because when that child, whether it's he's 4 or she's 14, struggles to learn something new and then ends up mastering it after failing a few times, well, wow, that's resilience, that's achievement, that's accomplishment. You can come in and say, you know what I admire about you? You're not afraid to it yourself. You didn't take the easy way out, you struggled through that, you fell down a few times, you skinned your knee, you got back up and you kept doing it and then you figured it out. That is the quality that is going to serve you well in life. Now say that to a four year old, they're going to be like, what are you talking about? Same with a 14 year old, right? They're going to look at you like, what are you talking about? But it is the tone behind that, it is the energy behind that of I'm proud of you. See, you're going to have to make these decision at all parts of your kids lives of if I am jumping in, I'm actually being responsible for my child's behavior. I'm actually being responsible for their success. And that trips a lot of us up because we jump in a lot of times and it's not really for our kids, it's for us, it's for our own anxiety. Well, if I jump in and help them do well, then that makes they're going to be successful in life. That means I did a good job as a parent. But many of you know our phrase, if you've gone through our programs on the strong will tell program. Hey, when we step back as parents, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. And I want to constantly step back so I can put it in their court, so they can own their decisions and develop their own skills so they can learn how to be resilient. And we talk a lot in that program about giving kids ownership of their choices. And I don't have time to do it here, but I'd say it sounds like this, hey, here's my objective, here's what has to happen. I want this. I want you to accomplish this. I want you to do this chore. I want you to get this done. I just relinquish control over how you do it. Why? Because a strong willed child is never going to do things the way you want them done. They are not there or not. They are not. And you have to let go of that and give them some space to own it and try it and do it in a different way and fail at times. And why that's hard is because we have control issues. I want it done a certain way. That's the way I have always done it. That is the right way to do it and you will do it that way. And we have time pressures, so I don't have time for you to figure things out and use your creativity. We also have anxiety about our child's future we're projecting out in the future. Well, if they can't do it the right way now, how are they going to succeed in the adult world? And I would encourage you go back and listen January 5th, episode number 436 on controlling your own anxiety. Because if you don't learn how to do that, you will pick. You will have chosen so many power struggles with your child and you are being responsible for your child. And you're going to have to watch during the school year because this subtle pressure comes in. You don't think you're pressuring your child, but they are feeling it with grades and sports and practicing their musical instruments, saying, well, you have to do your best at everything. And I may cover that in a future podcast, but that will cause your kids to shut down. And just because you did it that way doesn't mean it's going to work for them. And I will guarantee you with a strong willed child, they don't want to do it your way. And it's not because they're disobedient, defiant and just trying to be difficult on purpose. It's because they're made that way. And it's a great trait to want to figure things out for yourself and do it in a different way. And the other thing is you're just going to have to shut up and stop lecturing just like I have to do that if you struggle that I did a two part series back in February 9th and 16th number episodes 447 and 449 how to shut up part one and part two because it is really hard. It is deeply ingrained in us. Okay, we did a toddler example. Next I'm going to do examples for middle school, high school K cuts on social media also and then go back to younger kids as well. You know, it's even more stressful than packing lunches for school or food for work or hikes realizing you're out of everything at 7am that's why we stocked up on our favorite healthy staples and snacks during Thrive Market's Back to School sale. You've got a busy family life. You don't have time to vet every ingredient or drive to three different stores when you have two picky kids like we do. Thrive Market does the hard work for you. 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And yet some of your kids, all they do is, like, sit around in the same hoodie sweatshirt for 17 straight days playing video games, and they're not really motivated. And you're going to project into the future and think, well, how is this kid ever going to get a job? Who's going to hire him or marry him or her? Like, how does this work? And so you're going to be tempted to then start to get on them about all the little things they're not doing right or all the little things are doing wrong, and it becomes constant. It's. You don't think it is like, well, I don't lecture. I'm just teaching them. No, you're annoying them and you're on them all the time. It doesn't mean you don't. It doesn't mean you don't say no. And teach and discipline. We've been through that. I just did a podcast on how to correct kids, I think that was a couple months ago, on how to correct kids. So they actually listen to you. So it has nothing to do with being affirming, but there's a difference between teaching kids and being constantly on them. And, you know, I think you can tell the differences. Hey, when I'm teaching, I feel confident I'm talking more like this, and I'm just providing wisdom and perspective, but I'm not owning it. When I'm anxious about something, I tend to be talking more in this kind of mood tone. And it's like. It's like I'm anxious inside because I really want this child to get this because I know it's true and it'd be good if they would start doing this and I really need them to own it right now and do this. Can you hear the difference there? I want you to practice this or just observe yourself this week so you know when you've tipped over into that anxious lecturing mode. Because what will happen with your older kids is they will just shut down and stop listening to you. And I don't blame them because many of us did that with our parents when they did that as well. And so I'm going to do a couple specific examples for this age group. But overall, here's what I encourage you to do. Back off, shut up. The only thing that you can say for the next few days is observe the good things that your kids are already doing. Affirm what they're doing well instead of always picking out all the little things they're not doing well. You can use that phrase with them. Hey, I believe you're capable, I believe you're capable of completing this assignment because you're really creative, you're a smart kid. I believe you're capable of doing that. And I talk to them when you get to this age in that even matter of fact tone of they bring something out up and instead of giving a lecture like number 43B on how to have good friendships, hey, I've got some ideas about that. I'm going to get go get started on dinner, do laundry. I've got to do something in the garage. If you want to hear my ideas sometime, just come get me. And then I remove myself. Now just know that you're strong willed teenager. If they do come to you and let me go with this, if they don't come to you and ask, it's probably because there is something strained in your relationship and you have been a little bit overbearing with them, always too critical. And you're going to have to repair that. If you go through our programs, I want you to start with the no BS program instruction manual for strong will kids. But you're gonna have to repair that. You're gonna have to apologize and say, oh, okay. The reason they're not coming to me is because I am the one partially who has broken some of the trust by always being negative. It was never good enough for me and so now they don't want to hear from me. And there's no blame or guilt in that. We all fall into those patterns. So I don't do blame or guilt. I just own it and say, okay, that's what's happened. So now that I know that, I can begin to repair that and rebuild the trust. Now if they do come to you, it's probably going to sound like this, okay, what are your stupid ideas? And I don't want you to take it personally because this teenager who's all filled with raging hormones and social media and all the confusing stuff kids go through is now coming to you and their heart and mind is now opened up because they said, okay, what are your ideas? Keep it short and sweet. One of my favorite phrases is, hey, what I found in life is things tend to go better when you handle them this way. Short and sweet. Plant the seed and then remove yourself. Because I want our kids to begin to own it themselves. You can't force things on them. And I'll get to this a little bit later. Mission and mentor for strong will kids, teenagers. Really important. So here, here's an example which is going to be really tough one. So I was working with these parents and they, they had determined, okay, we've given our child social media and it's not working. And so they determined, okay, no social media, no Snapchat, TikTok, Instagram until you are age 16. And that's, that's kind of following Jonathan Haidt's recommendation, getting them more through puberty before we introduce all the social media and all that pressure. Well, the child is naturally. Look, your child is not going to say, you know what, mom and dad, thanks for taking the long view. Thanks for looking out at what's best for me even when I don't know what's best for me. And thanks for doing that, even though it's going to make you really uncomfortable. They're not going to say that. So what did this child say? Everybody has it. Everybody has Snapchat. It's the only way anybody communicates. And I get it, but that's not true. Not everyone has it. Most kids do, but it's not the only one. And so your big struggle here, and I empathize with you and I know how hard this is. If you just give in and say, yeah, it's just so hard. Because remember the struggle versus suffer thing, if your child is one of the few ones in their school or class who does not have social media at that age, they are going to struggle. They are. But where I draw the distinction is, but if I go against my own conscience and if you want to say research and whatever, and I give in to them, will, now they're probably going to suffer emotionally, socially, psychologically. And by giving in, in some ways, I am satisfying my own discomfort. I am putting my own needs ahead of what's best for my child. Again, you know, I don't do blame or guilt. And I'm not saying, well, if you've given your child social media before age 16, then you're. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying, if this is important to you, this is when I back off and I tell my teenager, I know you're going to struggle. This is going to be very hard. You are going to feel left out. You are going to miss out on conversations online and on texting. Whatever it is, it's going to be harder. But I believe you're capable of struggling through this and finding other ways to connect in healthy ways with your friends. And you're going to get the silent treatment from your child because they're going to be angry at you, because you know why? Because nobody likes to struggle. We want the easier way out. But this is an essential part of parenting, is to say, I am going to work through my own discomfort and I'm going to do what is best for my child, even when they're upset at me. And I'll make an analogy here. And I'm not going to get through all my examples. So we're going to do a part two on this. But let me do this other analogy. It happens with our spouse at times, right? Like I'm saying, this begins at age 3 or 4. And it doesn't end because we may have a spouse who is very more emotional and sensitive, and we're like, we want to jump in and fix their mood, but we have to continually say, it is not my job to control the moods of another human being. And is my job to back off and shut up and sit in my discomfort and be patient and listen and let them own their own moods and come out of it instead of me needing to fix it. So you can see where we started. We began with our grown son, me having to back up. I went all the way back to marriage. So now you're talking about people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, and some of you a little bit older, in your 60s, learning how to do this. And we touched on that with a toddler, and then in middle school and high school about learning how to back off so that our kids learn how to step up themselves. Now, the examples I did not get to. There are three more really good examples. This. But I think what I'm going to do is stop right here, do a part two so that I don't rush these other examples of kids who are not doing things the way you want them done, and then that way it relieves my own anxiety about trying to fit in too much. So thank you for listening to this. Thank you for working so hard. You're breaking generational patterns, moms and dads. This is harder work than you will ever do in your regular job. And this stepping back thing is so important. I want you to know if you do this, you are going to teach your kids new skills and how to be resilient. It's what you want. So let's work on that this week. Observe some of your reactions this week and observe when you trip over into that anxiety mode and start lecturing. And I want you to start practicing that even matter of fact tone that says, no, this is yours to own. Toddler teenager in between that age. This is yours to own. Wife, husband. This is yours to own. I'm here to listen. I'll support. Hey, if you need some help, let me know instead of, hey, let me help you with your mood. Because do you want your spouse saying that, hey, it sounds like you're really. It sounds like you're really frustrated and emotional today. Do you want me to help you with your mood? And that's. They're gonna be, no. Why do you need to change it? Okay, so tune in on Wednesday. We will do part two. And these examples are killer. If we can help you in any way, reach out to our son, that strong willed young man up in the mountains. Casey C A S E Y Celebrate calm dot com. If you need help financially with our programs, ask for it. We'll do payment plans for you. We want to help and we know how hard it is out there. So much respect and love for you all. Talk. We'll talk to you on Wednesday, but work on this stuff in the next few days because it's so freeing once you get free from controlling your kids and your own anxiety. All right, see ya.