← Calm Parenting Podcast
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:00]
Kirk Martin
So I have to tell you, Function Health is really easy to use. We signed up@functionhealth.com calm scheduled an appointment with their nationwide lab partner online, and now we're awaiting the results from 160 tests. Function Health is the all in one health platform that helps you take control of your health through data. Instead of guessing what's happening inside your body, Function helps you know for sure. We are most excited to learn about adrenal gland function or hormonal imbalances, nutrient deficiencies and inflammation in the body which is the root of so many chronic problems. With these insights, we can make changes to our diet and lifestyle so we feel our best and be our best for our kids and grandkids. One day an annual membership with Function Health includes two sets of tests for only $499 per year, but our listeners get a $100 credit at functionhealth.com calm the $100 credit is only for the first thousand listeners, so sign up right now at functionhealth.com calm that's functionhealth.com calm the parents who listen to this podcast are brilliant. You've heard me talk about giving kids ownership. So this great couple gave their son responsibility for the family calendar using Skylight Calendar. This is a kid with ADHD who is not naturally organized, but now that he is in charge of highlighting everyone's activities, we with a different color he can see visually. Skylight Calendar has reduced his anxiety and eliminated those unknowns that cause meltdowns. Skylight syncs all your calendars and then visually displays your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. It's perfect for modern families. Right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcow.com Calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. Try it for 120 days and if you are not 100% thrilled you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. That's S K y L I G-H-T C A L.com calm I wonder if you can hear your strong willed child saying something like this. I'm so confused. Sometimes when I was a little kid I would hear you telling your friends how you'd loved my curiosity, that I love to explore and never stop talking and asking questions. Dad said that with all that energy I would move mountains and he was constantly building things with me so I could use my hands and put things together and take things apart. But now I'm in school. And I get in trouble for all of these same traits. I'm still the same kid doing the same things you loved when I was little, but now I'm the bad kid. And it feels like everyone is trying to change who I am. And I don't understand. This is how I was born. It's how I've always been. I thought it was good that I was good. And now I discover that people aren't happy with my energy and curiosity and fidgeting, asking questions, or what happened? What did I do wrong? I want you to let that sink in. And I know the counter arguments. You can't always do certain things in different settings and you have to adapt. But really think about this from a kid's point of view because their experience on Earth is only three or five or eight or 13 years, they don't have the larger perspective. And this is how it often feels for them. And we need to understand that or it will absolutely crush their spirit and their confidence. So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I wanted to give you insight into your strong willed kids in their own words. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And you can find us@celebratecalm.com we're also on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok at Calm Parenting Podcast. Look, we have tough kids to raise. Our son came out of the womb with boxing gloves on, ready to take on the world. These kids have their own ideas, want to do things their way. These are stove touchers who don't really care about consequences and they want to learn the hard way. And the traditional parenting method simply will not work with these kids. They will backfire and then you're going to get judged. And some of you had an easier, more compliant child first and you thought, oh, I am such a good parent, this is easy, just be clear, firm and consistent. And then the strong willed child came along and you're like, I don't know anything anymore. So I want to share some insight from your child's point of view that I think you will find very helpful as you navigate raising this child. And I did something similar to this last year, but I actually had kids email us with new perspective that I have incorporated, incorporated into some new statements. And this is a podcast I strongly urge you to let your kids listen to because it may make them feel understood and prompt some really great conversations. Many of you are strong willed adults now and you were misunderstood as a kid and even till today you are. And I hope that you find this to be healing for you, even if it came 10 or 20 or 30 years too late. Look, we all want to be understood and strong willed kids are among the most misunderstood people on the planet. And that causes anger, inner turmoil, confusion. They beat themselves up a lot inside, and we don't want that. I've met far too many great kids in their 20s and even early 30s whose lives have been damaged because. Not because of them, but because of how people viewed them and misunderstood them. And I don't want that to happen with our kids. Back in the day, we had 1500 kids like this in our home. Over the course of a decade, we got to know them inside and out, many of them over the course of years. So we saw them change and grow. We stayed in touch with them as they've progressed through their lives. And sometimes these kids, they got crushed by a rigid school system or, or a rigid parent. So I hope you find this helpful caveat. This podcast will feel heavy for some of you. There's no blame or judgment or guilt intended. These kids are a mystery at times. There was no instruction manual given to you for these kids when you left the hospital or adopted them. So that's what we basically try to create with our downloadable programs. So I know you're doing your best. You're figuring it out as you go, all the while dealing with your own childhood trauma and reparenting yourself. It's hard. So as you listen, some of this may kind of pierce your heart a little bit. It's not intended to make you feel guilty, but it is insight that can lead to a changed perspective, a changed relationship, and a deeper understanding of your child. So here is what a strong willed child kind of wants to say to an authoritarian parent. This one is very personal because this is what our son always wanted to say to me as his dad before I changed dad. You know what was funny? I said that just the way Casey says that to me when he's serious. It just kind of, kind of caught me a little bit because that's his, that, that's that tone. And it was always like, oh, it always like, kind of pierced me a little bit, right? Like, oh, what am I doing wrong here? But it was dad. Your tough guy approach will not work with me. I will fight you and it will blow up our relationship. Then mom will be forced to come and be the referee between us, but she's almost always going to side with me because I'm her kid and it's going to create tension between you guys and between us, or I will simply bury that anger until I'm as big as you and it will come out with a vengeance in my teen years. But I don't want to fight you. You have a lot of hard fought wisdom you have gained in your life. And I need that wisdom. See, I have a harder path in life. I'm choosing that. I'm a stove toucher. I choose the harsher consequence, the harsher path on harder path on purpose. I need your wisdom. But I need you to deal with your own father issues. That's not right to put that on me. I know I make you uncomfortable. And maybe that's because I'm a lot like you. And you know how much pain you've been through and you want to. You want me to avoid those same mistakes. Or maybe I'm just so different from you that you don't know what to do or how to connect with me. I get that. But you have to put down your pride and ego and do the hard work and enter into my world to understand me. Your constant criticism, you shaking your head in disapproval doesn't motivate me. It drains life from me. It deflates me. It actually makes me want to stop trying to give up in resignation, knowing I will never please the one person whose acceptance I need most. I need you to come alongside me instead of fighting and correcting me. To give me your wisdom so I know how to walk down this path successfully because no one else can show me. And your guidance will save me a lot of pain. Look, that's what a strong willed child often wants to say to that more authoritarian, rigid parent, right? Especially an old school father like I was. Now, what about those parents who use that really sweet, accommodating tone with their kids? Here's what they want to say to you. Who do you think you're talking to? Why are you using that tone with me like you're talking to a baby? It sounds condescending and patronizing and weak. Like you're asking my permission instead of being the confident leader I need. Why do you keep talking about my feelings all the time as if I'm incapable. Incapable of controlling myself. Yeah, I wake up with a vision of how I want things to be or what I want to create. But I'm just a kid, so I don't have the grown up skills or tools to accomplish what I've pictured in my head and that leads me to get really frustrated. But then you come along talking gibberish like you don't know how to help me and that makes me feel even more helpless and misunderstood. Like you just don't get it. I've got some big plans for my life. I've got big emotions and a strong will. I need you to be a calm, confident leader who can guide me along this path. It's going to make you very uncomfortable, but please stop talking to me like a baby. You've already told your friends I'm three going on 33 or 12 going on 42. Well, start respecting me by talking to me more like a grown up. I'll respond better to that. Otherwise, I'm in complete control of you. And that feels very unstable for me as a child. Now this is a hard podcast to do because I think any one of these would be enough to kind of sit on, sit in and just kind of absorb that a little bit. Right? Because that's hard. Because if you were the kind of harsh, authoritarian parent like me, well, that's really hard to hear. And now I had to change myself, but. And if you've done that really sweet, accommodating kind of thing that a lot of parents do now, that's hard to hear coming from your child, but it's important because now you have an opportunity to change that. Now, the following is how many of your kids feel as they go through their childhood. And this one is one where I heard from a lot of kids and I've incorporated their statements and so this might be something you allow your strong willed child to listen to. I love our kids listening to our programs in the car in the background because these are insightful kids and it can prompt really good conversations. So you can ask if they ever feel like this. Mom, dad, I'm different than you and I'm actually okay with not having a lot of friends. I prefer a couple close friends. It bothers you more than it bothers me. I like my alone time. I actually don't mind being different. It creates some space for me to be an individual, to be away from the pressure of conforming. Because other kids don't ask me to do things that I actually don't want to do because I find the kid world kind of boring and stupid. Why is that such a bad thing that I'd rather talk about and do things adults do? Isn't that what you ultimately are raising me to do? Be happy and successful in the adult world? But when you constantly pressure me to make friends, it makes me once again feel like a failure. Like I should have all these friends when I really don't want to. Mom and Dad, I don't need or want or value the same things as you. You want to see me walk across the stage to get my high school or college diploma? That literally holds zero interest for me. I don't want the college experience. I don't want people clapping for me being handed some diploma I resent having to get. Don't project what you want and value onto me. That's a very common sentiment from our kids because I got to feel it myself. Well, what do you think your child feels about school? This is really insightful. How many of you have kids who struggle with impulse control? We do. So we taught Casey practical ways to delay gratification by saving money because it's very tangible. I encourage you to build this new habit with your kids this summer with the Acorns early app and debit card. I'm so glad Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns Early. It's a smart money app and debit card for kids that helps them learn the value of money. I like teaching with money because your kids can see how their choices directly add up in concrete ways. It's one of the best habits we've taught Casey. Acorns early makes building this new habit easy and fun. So head to acornserly.com calm or download the Acorns early app to help your kids grow their money skills today. That's acornserly.com calm acorns early card is issued by Community Federal Savings Bank Member FDIC pursuant to license by MasterCard International TC. TNCs apply monthly subscription fees starting from $5 per month unless canceled. So I stopped by my brother's house yesterday and before I could get in the door my nephew called me and said, Uncle Kirk, come see what I built by myself. It was a Kiwico plane launcher. Way cool. He was so excited and proud of himself showing me how he built a launch lever to send planes soaring then put together a spring powered Runway for for high speed takeoff. I love these Kiwico projects. Your kids will love these engineering, science and art projects because they are fun, hands on and build your child's confidence. My nephew may not always pay attention well in class, but he can explain the physics of flight. Now this summer your kids get six different projects to work on as part of KiwiCo's Summer Adventure Series. Build the Best Summer Ever and your child's confidence with KiwiCo. Get $15 off on your Summer Adventure Series at kiwico.com calm that's $15 off your Summer Adventure at kiwico.com calm mom and Dad There are all these Things at school that are just arbitrary standards and they're things required for success and, and good grades that I think are boring and useless and I'm just not good at like sitting still, memorizing information, recalling that information for a timed test, paying attention to things that don't interest me, writing essays, getting along with kids my own age. I'm supposed to be good at all of those things. My childhood is actually dependent on that and yet I'm just not good at it. So I continually feel like a failure and then I fail at home. After a while I just can't take it inside. So I give up or lash out. Sometimes as a teen I mess up or self sabotage on purpose just to fulfill my parents view of me. See, you were right. I'm a screw up. I am at my best when I am problem solving, helping other adults and tinkering with and figuring things out, coming up with different ways to do things, being creative. But at school I never get to do these things. And no one ever notices my strengths. Instead everybody's trying to fix me and try to fix all of my perceived weaknesses. I get graded on things I'm not good at and that I'll probably never use in life. Why do these things even matter? I know you say I'm smart and an old soul, but that's not very comforting when you feel stuck in a child's body and childhood for 18 years, feeling like a misfit. It feels like I am the one who's always being fixed or changed with endless tests and trips to these professionals who don't understand me either. And that just doesn't feel good inside. It makes me feel like something is inherently wrong with me. I'm not motivated by the same things as you are and I'm not good at the same things you are. But you keep insisting that I play on a field that is tilted against me, where I keep failing. And all you ever say is well, if you would just apply yourself. Or you call me lazy. It's not that I'm lazy. I simply don't care about the things you care about. And you've now spent over a decade trying to convince me and change me. And all it's done is make me feel less confident, more like a failure. And meanwhile I never get to use my natural gifts and talents. What do you want from me? And you wonder why I am angry and withdraw into my screens and my own world. A world that at least I have some measure of control over and success in. I wish you would just try to understand me instead of trying to get me to understand what you want from me. I already know that I'm not giving that to you because that's not. Not me. Now again, this is really hard to hear and I don't want you to feel guilty for this. If you have erred in your perspective like I did, then we just have to change course, right? I don't want. I don't want lengthy apologies. I am so sorry that I. I don't. That will make you sound. That's what they're talking about. Just talk to them like an adult and say, hey, I heard this and I want to ask you, is this your experience? Hey, I'm sorry I have looked at this the wrong way for the last how many ever years. I have tried to convince you to care about the things I care about. And that was my own anxiety and I apologize for that. That's it. Even matter of fact, Tony, you apologize and then you change. Don't apologize 15 times. Now here's another one, and this is a new one based on what kids wrote in which I love the fact that our kids are smart enough and have the initiative to email some guy that they don't know with their thoughts about this. Because a lot of our kids get confused. I get confused by the mixed messages I always have heard. Don't be a follower. Be a leader. If your friend told you to jump off a bridge, would you be your own person? And then when I do act with independence, it makes you uncomfortable. And all of a sudden you do want me to conform to. To fit in, to not rock the boat, to follow directions and do arbitrary things that we both know are wrong or useless. It turns out I am the one who has the courage to push back and be independent. But then I get in trouble for that too. I am okay touching the hot stove and taking the harder path. I don't mind figuring it out by myself, even if it takes longer and is harder and. And I get burned a little bit. It's a challenge to me and I don't want to do it the normal or easy way, the way everybody else does it. I am comfortable knowing my path will be harder. You're the one who's not comfortable with my path. What actually hurts me is not the hot stove. It's being misunderstood and judged. It's the negativity in comparison to you, to siblings, to peers and society. It's the criticism that I can never do it right. That is what is hard. That is what hurts. Knowing you don't really like or accept or approve of the way I am doing it. I'm okay with struggling to do things a different way. I am not okay with being made to feel like something is wrong with me or that I won't succeed I until unless I basically disavow my individuality, my very nature and become like everyone else. I know doing it the hard way makes you anxious about my future, but it is not right or fair for you to dump your anxiety about my future on me. That's stifling now. The following is what we have heard from strong willed kids over the years and I think this will ring true. I don't wake up every morning intending to get in trouble or cause problems at home or school. I don't like being the one always in trouble with everyone staring at me like the black sheep knowing I ruined that family outing. Sometimes I feel helpless to change. If I knew how I would change. Do you know what it feels like to be the one different person everywhere I go? To hear you and grandparents and teachers talk in hushed tones and and know they're talking about me. To feel utterly out of step with everyone and everything. To feel like a failure compared to classmates and my brother and sister and the only thing I'm really good at. I don't get to do much. It feels like I can never make anyone happy and I'm so sad sometimes. I didn't choose this brain or temperament. I was born this way and ever since I can remember in preschool and people haven't liked me or been patient with me. First it was teachers who put me on red on the behavior chart because I couldn't sit still and then my parents got embarrassed and began to lecture and take things away. And all I know is that I've simply been being who I was born as. I didn't decide to not fit in with kids my own age who would choose to be ostracized or left out like that. I didn't choose to have all this energy or question things. I don't particularly enjoy being bored by school, getting looks from other adults and being made fun of by kids in class. So from an early age it seemed like people haven't really liked me or accepted me as I am. Even my own dad, who's supposed to love and protect and guide me at times seems like he just doesn't like me or want to be with me and that cuts deeply. But I can't always show that, so I make excuses and I blame others because it's too painful to just admit that I'm helpless and feel stupid and like I'm bad. I build defensive walls around my heart to protect it from even more pain. You act like I just choose this all the time. Like I can just turn it turn on and off who I am. You lecture me about my choices. And yes, sometimes I intentionally choose something I know is wrong or that will bring a consequence. But sometimes I am simply being who I have always been inside. So I'm basically getting in trouble for being myself or doing what comes naturally. It's not as black and white as you might think. Now that's a lot. It was heavy even to say it. I can feel that I would encourage you. Listen to this again in the right moment. Ask your kids if any of this rings true. You might just want to pull two statements out because there were a lot of them and say, hey, does any of this ring true? Listen to what your kids say. It may lead to some meaningful conversations and it deeper con understanding of these kids. I appreciate you being willing to tackle different situations to change yourself, your whole perspective on this. Be patient with your kids. Be patient with yourself because I do appreciate you being willing to work so hard at this. And I don't always like things to be so heavy, but this is critical. If we don't get this right, this leads to kids who. Who in their 20s and 30s and probably all through their life will feel misunderstood and there's anger and resentment and they never achieve their potential the way we view them. And all of this is way more important than grades and anything else that happens. So thank you for enduring this as heavy as it kind of felt. If we can help you in any way, let us know. Love you all. Bye. Bye.