A (0:00)

Hey moms and dads.

B (0:01)

Don't you just love when your child reminds you about a school project at bedtime the night before it's due? With Skylight Calendar you can avoid those last minute oops moments. It visually displays your family schedule in one place with different colors for each family member so you can eliminate those last minute surprises that upset your kids. Skylight Calendar is a WI fi connected digital display that syncs seamlessly with with all your calendars and visually showcases your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. You can manage events, chores and grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app. This is a game changer for families.

A (0:45)

Like ours and your happiness is Skylight's happiness.

B (0:48)

So if in 120 days you are not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. This is a great Mother's Day gift. And right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcal.com calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's S-K-Y-L-H-T C A L.com calm.

A (1:20)

So our son Casey is about nine at the time. He's in the kitchen on a computer and my wife asks him to take out the trash. Casey resp. Give me a few minutes. And I'm in the other room thinking no way. Because that was a trigger for me. My dad was career military. He was known in our home as the Colonel. So it was a ton of fun growing up. And he didn't allow us a few more minutes. So then my stern, demanding voice comes echoing through the wall. Casey, now dad, just hold on a second. I just need. And then I hear my wife say, don't worry, I've got it. And see, that triggered me because see, my wife had to run interference between her strong willed son and strong willed husband who couldn't control himself. And a lot of moms are put in that position of constantly taking the temperature of the home. And so I had put my wife in this uncomfortable position where she had to manage the emotions of our son so that I wouldn't get really upset at him. And she was the referee and that was an awful place to be. And from my point of view, it was embarrassing. I'm a grown man, I'm successful in the corporate world at the time. I can handle this. I don't need you running interference for us. It was embarrassing to me. So then I finally get up out of My chair. No way is my wife going to rescue this lazy, undisciplined kid who can't even follow simple directions. So I walk into the kitchen. Casey, you take the trash out right now. I'm going to throw that stupid, stupid computer off the deck. See, I'm a guy, and sometimes we, as guys, we like to bark consequences that we can't actually keep. So Casey looks at me with this little tear in his eyes. Dad, all I needed was another minute. Fine. I'm done. And then he stomps toward the trash can. But I cut him off because I was really, really good at escalating situations. You know what? You're never going to be successful in life if you can't follow simple directions. Dad, just let me do it. He was pleading to me, and I refused because I was digging in. So he runs off upstairs, and then I hear him slam the door. And that's another trigger, right? Because then I want to go bang on the door. I work hard every day to earn money to pay for that door. You don't have to respect me, but you're going to respect my door. All those stupid parenting things that we say when we're upset. So then what would happen? Well, then I stomped downstairs, ready to complain yet again to my wife about her son and how disrespectful he was. But when I get downstairs, I find this note on the floor. Dad, I bought you a birthday card, but I wanted you to actually be able to read what I wrote. He had really bad handwriting. So I'm typing this because my handwriting isn't so good. The reason I'm a little late is that I had to finish up a school project tonight. My teacher told us we had to write about our favorite superhero, but I told her I don't have one. I told her, you're my superhero and I want to be like you. She told me I wasn't following the directions to just pick a superhero. I. I got mad and told her, no, I don't like Superman or Spider Man. They aren't real. They don't work hard like you do. They don't take me on special trips like you get up at 5am on weekends after working all week to take me to a cold ice rink and watch. Even though I don't get to play much because I'm not a good athlete like you were. So the reason I was on the computer was that I wanted to tell you that I'm glad you're my dad. And I'm lucky because my superhero is My dad. And I hope I can be like you one day and make you proud. I love you, dad. Happy birthday, Casey. And that was my wake up call as a father. And I began to see the little boy that I loved. And I did love him. And I was, you know, I was a good dad. I don't want to make this sound like, oh, just this abusive, rampaging dad. I was kind of a typical dad who couldn't control himself all the time. And I was very reactive. I spent a lot of time with Casey, but I always seemed to escalate things and pick on the negative things. But I could feel him at that time really pulling away from me. And at first I blamed him because he was a difficult kid, a tough kid. He didn't do what I asked or what I wanted or expected. And he kept going to my wife when I thought he should be coming to me for advice. And so when I brought that up to my wife, I remember her saying this, Would you want to come to you? And it was soon after that that the real changes began. See, I was raised with the my way or highway approach. The problem was my son just needed to toe the line, to shape up, to obey. When I asked how, I asked without hesitation. And I would go for these long walks and I'd ask, like, why are we given such a difficult child? I wanted my son to change. But then I finally began to listen instead of just talking and ranting about him. And when I did, I heard three questions inside. And I hope you find this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. I hope you find this encouraging. So the first question was this. What if there's nothing wrong with your son? What if he is made this way on purpose? And I hadn't really considered that in some ways because everybody kept telling us he was defective, that he had disorders. He had that Alphabet soup of labels like adhd, ocd, odd. And I've been trying to fix him in subtle and not so subtle ways, and it was making it worse. And there's a point at which you have to say, this is the child that I have been given. You have to raise the child you have, not the one you wanted. And the second question was, what if by trying to change your son, you are frustrating my purposes for him? See, I've been looking at all these traits through a negative prism. He's so defiant. He doesn't listen. He's too emotional, too intense. He's demanding. And I'm not saying you let your kids get away with things just because that's who they are, but you can't change their very nature. And with the luxury of hindsight now, I realize that all those traits that irritated us most are the very traits we respect now and that make him successful in the adult world. See, that intensity is such a great trait to have, but now he has some self control mixed in with it, so he doesn't lose control when he gets intense. That intensity, what drives him to accomplish so many things personally and professionally. He's able to speak up and be assertive, and his bosses appreciate that quality because he isn't afraid to take an unpopular stance or try a different path. They know when he speaks, they can count on him. And that strong sense of justice that many of your kids have, see, that leads him to watch out for and protect those who are more vulnerable, to do what's right, even when it's hard. And that's why the people who work for him really look up to him, because he's always watching out for them. And they know he's a strong person and he will go in and talk to management on their behalf. See, sometimes people pleasers, compliant kids, won't do that. This is a kid who walks with a purpose. In fact, he never really walked. I joke. Our son marched. He came out of the womb with boxing gloves on, and that communicates. This is someone who can get stuff done. See, we never had to worry about peer pressure with Casey. He was the peer pressure. And though he was bossy as a kid, he's a fantastic leader now. And I always like to joke that Casey's so good at handling conflict now because he caused so much as a kid. But the truth is, he was always relentless. When we had a falling out, he would relentlessly pursue me and say, dad, we need to talk. And see, I would put it off, because when I was a kid, conflict was a really bad thing. That means my dad was hitting my mom or my older brothers. And so I avoided hard situations. But Cayce was relentless in arguing and in reconciling. And all those deep talks help him now resolve conflict at his job. And they help him and will help him handle marriage stuff way better than most of us ever learn to do. So don't be afraid of these traits that your kids have. They will ultimately be really good things that you'll appreciate. And then the third question was this. What if instead of trying to change your son, you're the one who needs to change? And I wrestled with that one for a long time, but then I finally owned the fact that there's only one person in life that you can control. Yourself. Myself. And trying to control other human beings or situations leads to frustration and broken relationships. And the quickest way to change your child's behavior is is to first control your own. And when I finally humbled myself after being humiliated because it is humiliating to be a grown man or woman and your family's watching you and you're melting down yourself, that's humiliating. But when you can finally own that it changed my entire life. And then all of that energy that I had been putting into trying to change him, I then began putting into changing myself. I was ruthless in this. It became the basis for the 30 days to call program. If you have that our programs from We've Got it on Christmas sale. But if you have the programs, go through that program. It's one of the first ones I would do because you're focusing on changing yourself. And that is what ultimately changed our family. I was able to break the generational patterns inherited from my dad and create a new family tree. That's what we're after. That's the adventure I'm calling you to join me on as we get ready for 2025. Because that's when my son finally felt the acceptance of his father. It's when a young dad, it's when I finally was transformed into a grownup. But you are going to go through probably some stages of grief and I want to share this with you so you know that you're not alone and so that you know you're on the right path. When we moved to our home, we were quoted a cost of over $20,000 for some trees and shrubs. But we just saved 90% with fast growing Trees and they helped us get the exact privacy and flowering trees and shrubs for our specific climate. And it's delivered right to our door in days. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousand of different plants and over 2 million happy customers including us. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. Their alive and thrive guarantees ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants this spring. Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15% off at fastgrowingtrees.com using the code CALM fastgrowingtrees.com CALM offer is valid for a Limited time terms and conditions may apply. So let's geek out together for a minute over gut health because I'm really into this. I just learned that prebiotics are the food that help fuel the growth of healthy bacteria, the probiotics in your gut. So you have to have both. And that's why AG1 helps my digestion, calms my stomach, and keeps me regular. Look, I've loved my morning AG1 routine for years, long before AG1 became a wonderful partner to the podcast. It's a quick, easy win because I start my day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, pre prebiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients. I just don't have that stomach distress anymore where that bloating, you know, that kind of interferes with your day and puts you on edge. Plus, my weight is down. I've got energy for this hiking season. I'm drinking my Ag one right now while I'm recording this, and I think you should as well. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, which I love, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to be kind to your gut. So at first I was just in denial that anything needed to be addressed. He's just a boy. Everything's going to be okay. And then that turned into denial that I had a problem. He just needs to shape up and listen to me. I'm the authority figure here. He's just being difficult on purpose. And there was always a sense of helplessness in all of this, like what do we do? And I bet you felt that. And with that comes a sense of isolation and being judged by others. It is a rough path. Then came anger and resentment. Looking back, I think I got angry at Casey because this situation was forcing me to dig deep emotionally and wrestle with all my preconceived ideas about parenting, about my own lack of self control, about my anger, about my religious assumptions and upbringing. Look, work's easy for me. I can work 24, 7. I can pound that out. But this emotional work is hard. It's exhausting. I had to learn relationship skills that I'd never had before. Now when I look back, I'm grateful for a strong willed child. They're like a live in therapist who are going to push all of your buttons. And that forced me to grow up and become a different person. That's the path that you're on, and I respect you for digging into that. One of the stages of grief is bargaining. And I did what a lot of men and people do. I reverted back to what I knew and how I was raised. And I doubled down on the harsh discipline, trying to find, force it and make all of this go away. It was kind of like my last ditch attempt to keep me from being the one who had to change. And this was kind of like a quick final gasp of desperation. Now, when we get to depression, it wasn't that for me, it was more a sense of helplessness. Here I am, a grown man. I know how to get things done. In the corporate world, I can get life done. But with our own child, nothing worked. No one understood. We tried consequence. We tried fighting his nature, and nothing worked. And after we reached the end of our rope, well, that's when acceptance came. And I remember a turning point. It was we were at a hockey rink, and a kid skated past Casey. Casey was playing defense, and his kid skated by him and scored a goal. And Casey went and kind of tapped him with a stick and said, hey, good goal. And I was like, no, you're going to put that kid's head through the glass. I was a freak. I was super competitive as a kid, but my son wasn't. And I remember being at that south end of that ice rink, and I remember thinking, this is my son. This is the son I've been given. He's not me. And when I finally accepted Cayce as he was and stopped trying to change his nature to make it more comfortable for me, stop trying to change his nature, because I wanted him to do things the way I did them. That's what set off a radical change. And for many of you, one of your biggest struggles is accepting this child on a very deep level. And until you do that, nothing will really change, because your kids know that and they can feel that. And I know many of you are in the middle of this process right now, and it's hard. And I always get asked, well, but when I apologize to my kids, isn't that showing weakness? What are my kids going to think if they see me changing like this? It's kind of humiliating. And I'll answer it this way, and I hope this helps. Case and I were hiking recently, and I kind of was just asking him casually about his childhood memories and what he remembers from Christmas when he was a kid. Like, what were your favorite gifts you ever got? And one of the cool things about some of these hikes with Casey is that they're very, very intense, they're hard, and you face obstacles together, so there's a little bit of a bonding thing, but by the end of the day, you're just exhausted and so you're usually a little bit more vulnerable emotionally and you just start talking. And that's why for many of you, I love car rides after dark with your child. Late night walks in the neighborhood, taking older kids out where you can do some of your work and they can do their schoolwork at Buffalo Wild Wings or IHOP or wherever you like at 9:00 or 10:00 at night. Because that car ride home is often really magical because you're there in the dark, you're both tired. So when I asked Casey about that, here's what he said. He said, dad, I don't really remember any gifts. I was usually over them in like three hours or three days or three months. They seemed important to me in the moment, but then they weren't. The stuff I remember most from my childhood were the things I actually saved my money to get, because that meant something to me. He was big into guitar and he actually saved for this kind of custom made guitar and paid every penny of it. He paid himself. And he said that required an investment and it's always been valuable to me, but none of the stuff you got me. He said, I remember all of our experiences together, going places, you taking me to see hockey games, sitting in the stands and actually being patient because I was doing something I loved. I remember all the Saturday mornings where we went and test drove cars because I was passionate about it, even though I know you hated it. So moms and dads remember, experiences with these kids are far more powerful than stuff. You can save a lot of money that way, but it's not really about the money. It's about the memories. And those are really, really important. And what he said at the end was the really kind of crucial part for me. He said, what I remember most from childhood that has lasted is watching you work hard to change yourself right in front of me. He said, I knew your dad. I only experienced him as his grandson and that wasn't a lot of fun. So I can't imagine growing up with a dad like that. I know who you came from, and yet I saw you wrestle with these ideas and all that church stuff, all the deeply ingrained beliefs, and I know it was hard. And I saw and heard you be open to trying, even though you didn't always want to. I Heard you swear at yourself for messing up again and again. Because I did, right? And this is the moment in our conversation where he kind of lightened it a little bit. And he said, well, dad, that's where I learned how. That's where I learned your good curse words, dad. Because that's how our kids are, right? They see patterns. They're paying attention to things. They watch. They observe a lot. And so he was watching all of this, and it was really interesting. In this conversation, he never once said, dad, you know what? I know you really worked hard for us as a family so we could have a good life. Like, he said that before and thanked me, but that's not his enduring memory that I was a hard worker. It was that I worked hard on changing myself. And then he went on and said, I know you cried, and I know you cursed at yourself for being an idiot, and I know you bit your tongue so many times when you would have been justified laying into me, but I know you did that for me. And you're a different man now than when I was little and you were different in my teen years. And I watched that, and that's why I respect you now. And we have a relationship. Few kids get with their mom or dad, and my friends even look at you as their substitute dad sometimes, and they have no idea what it took you to get to this point. But I do. And we walked on quietly for another few minutes. And I kind of like that. That will just crush you inside in a good way, right? And there's all those feelings of, like, man, I wish I would have changed sooner. How much pain did I cause him when he was little? But then there's the gratification that comes after that. And as we got to the end of the trail, he said, you know, dad, all that said, I'd still like some of that backcountry ski gear for Christmas, because that's who our kids are, right? They can be really deep, but they are always assertive about what they want. And so what I want you to encourage you with is this. See this as an adventure. And when you get. You get to become a new person who can finally control yourself, who doesn't have to talk all the time, who doesn't lecture all the time, who can kind of shut up in that moment. And after the new year, I'm going to do two podcasts on how to finally kind of shut up when you can finally control your own anxiety, your perfectionism, your reactions. I want that to be the goal in the new year. It's not going to be. The new year is about getting our kids to behave. I can teach you that stuff, right? I can show you how, how to change kids behavior. That's not really that difficult. In fact, I'll give you a challenge. I'm getting a ton of emails from people saying, hey, we're letting our kids listen to your programs and they're actually taking ownership of their own behavior because they feel understood now and they have ideas. So over the holidays, when you have downtime, you listen to the programs, let your kids listen to them, have open and honest conversations about the content and the ideas the, that you're hearing. Because on the podcast, I love our podcast, but our programs, we get to go into so much more depth with different options. Use the time over the holidays to help kids understand how their brains are made to be vulnerable with them and say, hey, in 2025, what are two things as your mom, as your dad that I could change that would really help in the home? Ask your kids that and see what they say. And as long as they're not just being super disrespectful, own that and work on it and let them see you change. Because the powerful part about listening to the programs together is it's not about like, well, we got these courses so that we can change your behavior. No, they're going to see like, wait, you're doing this to change yourself? That's very powerful. So I have immense respect for you doing this work. If we can help in any way, if you need help financially, reach out to Casey. We want to help and we want you to be changed. So let's go into the new year ready to roll on this stuff. All right, love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye.