What Your Kids Will Remember & What They Will Forget

Tue Dec 24 2024

What if there isn’t really anything wrong with your strong-willed child? What if these irritating traits will serve them well in life? What if instead of trying to change their nature, you need to change? Kirk shares the powerful story of what finally compelled him to change and saved his relationship with his son. CHRISTMAS SALE

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast Summary
Episode: What Your Kids Will Remember & What They Will Forget
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: December 24, 2024

Introduction: Understanding Lasting Memories

In this heartfelt episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into the profound impact parents have on their children’s memories and future selves. Titled "What Your Kids Will Remember & What They Will Forget," the episode explores the importance of intentional parenting, acceptance, and personal growth.

Personal Story: A Wake-Up Call ([01:45])

Kirk begins by sharing a deeply personal story about his relationship with his son, Casey, who was nine years old at the time. He recounts a particularly stressful holiday moment where a simple request to take out the trash escalated into a heated exchange. Kirk reflects:

Kirk Martin ([07:15]): "What I needed was another minute. Fine. I'm done."

This moment served as a critical wake-up call for Kirk, highlighting his reactive parenting style and the emotional distance it was creating between him and Casey.

The Turning Point: Receiving Casey’s Letter ([07:50])

The narrative takes a poignant turn when Kirk discovers a heartfelt note from Casey. The letter reveals Casey’s admiration and love for his father, contrasting sharply with the daily tensions they experienced.

Kirk Martin ([09:30]): "He wanted to tell you that I'm glad you're my dad. I hope I can be like you one day and make you proud."

This revelation compels Kirk to reassess his approach to parenting, underscoring the importance of seeing his son beyond the defiant and strong-willed exterior.

The Three Transformative Questions ([11:00])

As Kirk grapples with his parenting challenges, he identifies three pivotal questions that reshaped his perspective:

What if there's nothing wrong with your child?
Kirk reflects on the labels often placed on challenging children and realizes that accepting his son as he is was crucial.

Kirk Martin ([12:15]): "You have to raise the child you have, not the one you wanted."
What if trying to change your child is hindering their true potential?
He acknowledges that traits he once viewed negatively—such as Casey’s intensity and assertiveness—are now recognized as strengths that contribute to his son's success.

Kirk Martin ([13:45]): "That intensity is such a great trait to have, but now he has some self-control mixed in with it."
What if you're the one who needs to change?
Emphasizing self-control, Kirk admits that managing his own reactions was the key to transforming his relationship with Casey.

Kirk Martin ([14:30]): "The quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own."

Embracing Acceptance and Personal Growth ([15:10])

Kirk discusses the emotional journey from denial and frustration to acceptance and self-improvement. He shares how accepting Casey’s nature and focusing on his own behavior led to significant positive changes in their relationship.

Kirk Martin ([16:00]): "When I finally accepted Casey as he was and stopped trying to change his nature, that's what set off a radical change."

He highlights the importance of breaking generational patterns and fostering a supportive family environment.

Reflections and Insights ([17:25])

Kirk reflects on how his initial frustrations with Casey’s behavior were overshadowed by the realization of his son’s admirable qualities. He underscores the value of strong-willed children and how their traits can translate into successful adulthood when guided with understanding and acceptance.

Kirk Martin ([18:50]): "Sometimes people pleasers, compliant kids, won't do that. This is a kid who walks with a purpose."

He emphasizes that the traits that once caused tension are now sources of strength and leadership in Casey’s life.

The Power of Shared Experiences ([20:15])

In an intimate conversation with Casey, Kirk learns what truly left an indelible mark on his son's memories. Contrary to material gifts, it was the shared experiences and emotional connections that mattered most.

Casey ([22:40]): "I remember all of our experiences together... the things I actually saved my money to get because that meant something to me."

This insight reinforces the episode’s central message: creating meaningful memories through quality time and genuine connection is far more valuable than material possessions.

Conclusion: Embracing the Adventure of Parenting ([24:00])

Kirk concludes the episode by encouraging parents to view their parenting journey as an adventure of personal growth and acceptance. He emphasizes the importance of controlling one’s own reactions and fostering open, honest communication with children.

Kirk Martin ([25:30]): "The powerful part about listening to the programs together is it's not about changing your kids' behavior. It's about changing yourself."

He invites listeners to engage with the Calm Parenting programs, which offer deeper insights and strategies for transforming family dynamics by focusing on self-improvement and empathetic parenting.

Final Thoughts

This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast serves as a powerful reminder that the lasting memories children carry into adulthood are shaped significantly by their parents' actions and attitudes. By sharing his personal journey, Kirk Martin provides valuable lessons on acceptance, self-control, and the profound impact of loving, intentional parenting.

Notable Quotes:

Kirk Martin ([07:15]): "What I needed was another minute. Fine. I'm done."
Kirk Martin ([09:30]): "He wanted to tell you that I'm glad you're my dad."
Kirk Martin ([12:15]): "You have to raise the child you have, not the one you wanted."
Kirk Martin ([13:45]): "That intensity is such a great trait to have, but now he has some self-control mixed in with it."
Kirk Martin ([14:30]): "The quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own."
Kirk Martin ([16:00]): "When I finally accepted Casey as he was and stopped trying to change his nature, that's what set off a radical change."
Kirk Martin ([18:50]): "This is a kid who walks with a purpose."
Casey ([22:40]): "I remember all of our experiences together... the things I actually saved my money to get because that meant something to me."
Kirk Martin ([24:00]): "The powerful part about listening to the programs together is it's not about changing your kids' behavior. It's about changing yourself."

For more insights and strategies on calm parenting, visit www.CelebrateCalm.com or email Kirk directly at Casey@CelebrateCalm.com.

Transcript

John (0:00)

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Emily (1:17)

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John (1:45)

So our son Casey is about 9 at the time. He's in the kitchen on a computer and my wife asks him to take out the trash. Casey responds just give me a few minutes. And I'm in the other room thinking no way. Because that was a trigger for me. My dad was career military. He was known in our home as the Colonel. So it was a ton of fun growing up. And he didn't allow us a few more minutes. So then my stern, demanding voice comes echoing through the wall. Casey, now dad, just hold on a second, I just need. And then I hear my wife say, don't worry, I've got it. And see, that triggered me because see, my wife had to run interference between her strong willed son and strong willed husband who couldn't control himself. And a lot of moms are put in that position of constantly taking the temperature of the home. And so I had put my wife in this uncomfortable position where she had to manage the emotions of our son so that I wouldn't get really upset at him. And she was the referee and that was an Awful place to be. And from my point of view, it was embarrassing. I'm a grown man. I'm successful in the corporate world at the time. I can handle this. I don't need you running interference force. It was embarrassing to me. So then I finally get up out of my chair. No way is my wife going to rescue this lazy, undisciplined kid who can't even follow simple directions. So I walk into the kitchen. Casey, you take the trash out right now. I'm going to throw that stupid, stupid computer off the deck. See, I'm a guy, and sometimes we, as guys, we like to bark consequences that we can't actually keep. So Casey looks at me with this little tear in his eyes. Dad, all I needed was another minute. Fine. I'm done. And then he stomps toward the trash can. But I cut him off because I was really, really good at escalating situations. You know what? You're never going to be successful in life if you can't follow simple directions. Dad, just let me do it. He was pleading to me, and I refused because I was digging in. So he runs off upstairs, and then I hear him slam the door. And that's another trigger, right? Cause then I want to go bang on the door. I work hard every day to earn money to pay for that door. You don't have to respect me, but you're going to respect my door. All those stupid parenting things that we say when we're upset. So then what would happen? Well, then I stomped downstairs, ready to complain yet again to my wife about her son and how disrespectful he was. But when I get downstairs, I find this note on the floor. Dad, I bought you a birthday card, but I wanted you to actually be able to read what I wrote. He had really bad handwriting. So I'm typing this because my handwriting isn't so good. The reason I'm a little late is that I had to finish up a school project tonight. My teacher told us we had to write about our favorite superhero, but I told her I don't have one. I told her, you're my superhero and I want to be like you. She told me I wasn't following the directions to just pick a superhero. I. I got mad and told her, no, I don't like Superman or Spider Man. They aren't real. They don't work hard like you do. They don't take me on special trips like you get up at 5am on weekends after working all week to take me to a cold ice rink and Watch. Even though I don't get to play much because I'm not a good athlete like you were. So the reason I was on the computer was that I wanted to tell you that I'm glad you're my dad. And I'm lucky because my superhero is my dad. And I hope I can be like you one day and make you proud. I love you, dad. Happy birthday, Casey. And that was my wake up call as a father. And I began to see the little boy that I loved. And I did love him. And I was, you know, I was a good dad. I don't want to make this sound like, oh, it's just this abusive, rampaging dad. I was kind of a typical dad who couldn't control himself all the time. And I was very reactive. I spent a lot of time with Casey, but I always seemed to escalate things and pick on the negative things. But I could feel him at that time really pulling away from me. And at first I blamed him because he was a difficult kid, a tough kid. He didn't do what I asked or what I wanted or expected. And he kept going to my wife when I thought he should be coming to me for advice. And so when I brought that up to my wife, I remember her saying this, Would you want to come to you? And it was soon after that that the real changes began. See, I was raised with the my way or highway approach. The problem was my son just needed to toe the line, to shape up, to obey. When I asked how, I asked without hesitation. And I would go for these long walks and I'd ask, like, why are we given such a difficult child? I wanted my son to change. But then I finally began to listen instead of just talking and ranting about him. And when I did, I heard three questions inside. And I hope you find this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. I hope you find this encouraging. So the first question was this. What if there's nothing wrong with your son? What if he is made this way on purpose? And I hadn't really considered that in some ways because everybody kept telling us he was defective, that he had disorders. He had that Alphabet soup of labels like adhd, ocd, odd. And I've been trying to fix him in subtle and not so subtle ways, and it was making it worse. And there's a point at which you have to say, this is the child that I have been given. You have to raise the child you have, not the one you wanted. And the second question was, what if by trying to change your son, you are Frustrating my purposes for him. See, I've been looking at all these traits through a negative prism. He's so defiant, he doesn't listen. He's too emotional, too intense. He's demanding. And I'm not saying you let your kids get away with things just because that's who they are, but you can't change their very nature. And with the luxury of hindsight now, I realize that all those traits that irritated us most are the very traits we respect now and that make him successful in the adult world. See, that intensity is such a great trait to have, but now he has some self control mixed in with it, so he doesn't lose control when he gets intense. That intensity, what drives him to accomplish so many things personally and professionally. He's able to speak up and be assertive, and his bosses appreciate that quality because he isn't afraid to take an unpopular stance or try a different path. They know when he speaks, they can count on him. And that strong sense of justice that many of your kids have, see, that leads him to watch out for and protect those who are more vulnerable, to do what's right, even when it's hard. And that's why the people who work for him really look up to him, because he's always watching out for them. And they know he's a strong person and he will go in and talk to management on their behalf. See, sometimes people pleasers, compliant kids, won't do that. This is a kid who walks with a purpose. In fact, he never really walked. I joke. Our son marched. He came out of the womb with boxing gloves on, and that communicates. This is someone who can get stuff done. See, we never had to worry about peer pressure with Casey. He was the peer pressure. And though he was bossy as a kid, he's a fantastic leader now. And I always like to joke that Casey's so good at handling conflict now because he costs so much as a kid. But the truth is, he was always relentless. When we had a falling out, he would relentlessly pursue me and say, dad, we need to talk. And see, I would put it off because when I was a kid, conflict was a really bad thing. That means my dad was hitting my mom or my older brothers. And so I avoided hard situations. But Cayce was relentless in arguing and in reconciling. And all those deep talks help him now resolve conflict at his job. And they help him and will help him handle marriage stuff way better than most of us ever learn to do. So don't be afraid of these traits that your Kids have. They will ultimately be really good things that you'll appreciate. And then the third question was this. What if instead of trying to change your son, you're the one who needs to change? And I wrestled with that one for a long time. But then I finally owned the fact that there's only one person in life that you can control. Yourself. Myself. And trying to control other human beings or situations leads to frustration and broken relationships. And the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. And when I finally humbled myself after being humiliated, because it is humiliating to be a grown man or woman and your family's watching you and you're melting down yourself, that's humiliating. But when you can finally own that. It changed my entire life. And then all of that energy that I had been putting into trying to change him, I then began putting into changing myself. I was ruthless in this. It became the basis for the 30 days to calm program. If you have that our programs from we've got on Christmas sale. But if you have the programs, go through that program. It's one of the first ones I would do because you're focusing on changing yourself. And that is what ultimately changed our family. I was able to break the generational patterns inherited from my dad and create a new family tree. That's what we're after. That's the adventure I'm calling you to join me on as we get ready for 2025. Because that's when my son finally felt the acceptance of his father. 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