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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
Okay, I'm just going to say it. Your strong will Kids are not going to do things the way you you want them done. They're not. And it's going to irritate you and you're going to think they're being rebellious and disrespectful and not following your directions. And I want you to know it's actually something else. It's not an excuse. I'm not saying it's right. It's just the way that it is. And that's what we're going to talk about on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help with anything. Reach out to our very strong willed child Casey, who didn't want to do things the way we wanted him to do it. And his email address is Casey C A S E Y celebratecalm.com Let us know the name ages of your kids. What are you struggling with? We're pretty sure we know what they are because all of our kids do these really frustrating things. But tell us about it. We will get together as a family, discuss your situation, email you back, usually pretty quickly and usually with very, very practical strategies because that's what we do. If you need help with anything with any of our products, if you need Help financially booking an event, reach out to Casey. So this was prompted by an email from a mom who has a very strong willed daughter who just doesn't ever really do what her mom wants her to do. And I'll get to a specific situation after I set this up. So here's what we're talking about. We're talking about bright, independent kids who wake up with an agenda, right? They know what they want, they know what they don't want. And what they don't want is usually anything that you want them to do. And they have very definite opinions about how they want their lives to run. But they often also have few opportunities to have a say over their choices. And this is not permissive parenting at all. We're going to talk about giving kids ownership over their choices, not control of your home. But I want to give kids ownership over their choices. See, when we were kids, we had a lot of ownership over our lives. We had a lot of independence. Remember, we would disappear all day in the summer. We didn't even come back until dinner time. And our mom wasn't there waiting. Like, what'd you guys do? Did you have a good time today? No. They didn't ask because our moms knew that it was up to us, right? We had all that freedom if we didn't have a good time. That was our issue. And they weren't micromanaging everything we did. My friends and I, my brothers, we were out all day making dozens of decisions by ourselves. We solve problems alone. But your kids today can't do anything now without an adult being present 24 7. Organizing everything, making sure everything's perfect. And it's suffocating. Sometimes defiance is your child's way of saying this. I need some space to make my own decision. I've got a good brain, I've got ideas. Why can't I have some space and some input? But we're in such a rush that we don't allow time for kids to try, fail and try again. And I'm encouraging. You've got to slow down or you will send your kids off into the world ill equipped to make decisions and manage their lives because you're too busy micromanaging their lives and telling them everything that they need to do because we have to make sure that they're successful. And I know what it takes to be successful. So you have to follow all these steps. So here's how I communicate ownership. Look, my rules as a parent, very clear. This is exactly what I expect, right? And I have very clear expectations Very clear boundaries, very clear rules. As a parent, this is what I expect. But I will give you some space. Space is really important for the strong willed child. I will give you some space and ownership within my boundaries. Right? I'm not letting them do whatever they want, but I'm making my boundaries a little wider for these kids. Right? I'm giving you some space and ownership to do things differently than I would do them. As long as we accomplish the same objective, right? I'm not saying if you want to do your homework, if you want to get up for school, if you want to do your chores. Oh no, I'm not saying that at all. Look, you're going to do your homework, you're getting ready for school, you're going to do your chores. I just relinquish control over how you get those things done. I'm not going to fight you over your homework. It's yours, not mine. But I will give you ownership over how and where you do your homework. You want to lay upside down off the sofa listening to music while you do your math worksheet? Cool with me. Want to do your homework sitting in a closet? Sitting underneath the kitchen table and I'll put a blanket over it and throw some food under there for you. I don't care, I just want it done. But you have ownership over how it gets done, right? Begin thinking of different ways you can give your kids ownership. Right? It's great phrase. I believe you are smart enough to know what needs to be done and what the consequences are if you don't. By the way, we always know that consequences don't really work for strong willed kids. So that's why I want to give them some ownership so they do it in a different way. And I could say, hey, wouldn't have thought of doing it that way. Good thinking, well done, Will. I like the way they do it. No, see, I don't care how you get it done. Just let me know when it's completed and then step back and give them space to own it. One of our phrases is this. When we step back as parents, it gives our kids space to step up. Right. And be responsible for themselves. As long as I'm micromanaging and lecturing. Show you always how to do it the way I want you to do it. I'm actually being responsible for the child's behavior. When I step back from lecturing, step back from micromanaging, I actually give that child some space and some room to figure it out on his own. And that's what we want, right? When they're adults, you're not going to go off to college with them. They're not going to be living with them. Hopefully when they're 27 and 35 and showing them how to do it. I want to give them some space. And I know what's going to irritate you. You're going to say this oh, but my child always wants to do everything on his terms. And that just kills you, doesn't it? Because you are the authority and he needs to respect you and do what you say and how dare he get away with that. And I get all of that. I get that generations of men in my family have been authoritarian fathers and all it ever produced was torn, wrecked relationships throughout the ages. And it just doesn't work. Anyway. Right now I'm all over being the authority figure in a home. I'm good with that, right? I'm just not. I'm authoritarian but not authoritative. I don't have to be the dictator and rush around just because do things out of my my the way I want it done just because. Just because I'm the dad right now I've got wisdom I want to share and I do that right. But the truth is the kids are never going to do things the way that you want. And if you're just hell bent on somehow trying to break your child's will, then go for it. But it won't work. It will always backfire and you're going to end up angry and feeling self justified because you're the authority figure.
- [08:29]
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- [08:44]
Kirk Martin
Don'T have what you want.
- [08:45]
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- [10:09]
Kirk Martin
It's a quick, easy win because I.
- [10:11]
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- [10:17]
Kirk Martin
I just don't have that stomach distress.
- [10:20]
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- [10:37]
Kirk Martin
When you sign up, you'll get a.
- [10:39]
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- [10:56]
Kirk Martin
Your relationship with that child that you loved when he was or she was a little baby will become a blight on your life. And your child will have to work through anger issues, probably distorted view of God his whole life, right? Because that's what I had to struggle with. My dad was just. He was not just a hard guy. He was unreasonable. He was abusive at times, right? And it was just my way or the highway. Scream and yell, fear and intimidation. That's all my dad knew how to do. So guess how I grew up looking at authority figures. Well, the same way I looked at my dad, right? And this is not the way you want to go. It doesn't work. It ruins relationships and it creates a very unsteady childhood. And a lot of these kids end up. Look, they're going to rest, they're going to be restless and they're going to wander from job to job, right? They're going to, they're not going to have a rudder there because they don't have the relationship with you. Or, or you can humble yourself and realize that maybe, just maybe, there's a different way. Maybe you need to back off and give your child some space to make his own choices, right? You're going to have to come to Grips with this truth that your kids are never, ever, ever, ever, ever going to do things the way that you would. But when you step back and give them space, it liberates them, it frees them, watch. To do what you ask them to do, but in a different way. It's like you take the handcuffs off. Look, you've seen this, you're listening to this podcast because you have a strong willed child and you can't get them to do what you want them to do. And you've tried all the consequences and it doesn't work. And oftentimes when we're pushing because of our own anxiety, because of our own control issues, you get more resistance, right? When you push a strong willed child, you guarantee that they are not going to do it and they're going to push back. Right? And here's the thing with our kids, they're going to choose the harder path, not the easier one, right? They're stove touchers. They have to touch the hot stove. It's how they learn best, right? And they would rather take a harsh consequence than do it your way. And what that tells you is this, that they just don't value. They would rather have that freedom and that ownership to figure it out themselves, then do it the easier way, the way you want. And that's a great trait to have in life. I want you to know it is what you really want. As they get into adulthood, it just makes it irritating when they're little kids or teenagers. So they're going to procrastinate, right? You don't like the way that they load the dishwasher or do their homework or brush their teeth, right? On rare occasions they do so. Right. Because it's not the way you would do it. There were so many times when Casey was a kid that I just simply didn't like the way he did stuff. Now he would ultimately get done what I wanted done. I didn't like how he did it. I didn't like it, the order in which he did it. Because if you just start with a harder thing first, you do it A, B and C, that would be the most effective, efficient way to do it. I don't know why you're wasting time. Casey, she used to go, all that stuff never worked. It's just right. It just backfired, created more resistance and it hurt our relationship. And I get it, this is going to irritate you, but that's partly because you have control and anxiety issues, just like I do. Because you want certain things done a certain way, right? Because that's how you did it when you were a kid or that's how you were raised, right? But your child. Right your way. Not always the right way or the only way. Just because you're 35 or 45 or 55 doesn't mean your child has to do it that way. And if you cling to your false expectations, your kids will resist and feel frustrated, stupid, like they're a disappointment to you. And I can't blame them for resisting you because being too rigid is provoking children to anger. And you can't hide behind the excuse. Well, I'm the mom in the home. I'm the father in home. I'm the authority figure, and they have to do it my way. That's not what a true authority figure does. True authority figure. Leads, teaches, right? Just. Just bark out orders, right? Because here's what your kids will end up finding out. I can never please you or live up to your standards. Right? Look, I'm just like you. In the morning, I want kids to get up, exercise, eat blueberries and avocado, good protein, so their brains are ready to learn. I want them to wear clean clothes and brush and floss and walk with a purpose. Right? Right. With you there. Right? But when you get so invested in trying to make your kids do things just like you, you actually create more resistance. And you've noticed that, haven't you? Right? The more you care about something, the more your kids resist and push back. So here's one example of giving up your own control and giving your kids ownership. Hey, son, I've got one goal for you. Every morning, I want you on the school bus or in that car at 7:17am sharp. I don't care what you look like, what you smell like, or what's in your belly. It's up to you. Look, if you want to. If you want to be brilliant, wear the clothes to bed that you're going to wear to school next year. You can sleep in until 7:16am roll out of bed, grab that Pop Tart that I know that you hid underneath your bed. You run out to the school bus. You don't even have to have your shoes on. I don't care. Leave your shoes in the school bus the night before, day before, and then they're going to be there. I don't care. I don't care. Right? All I want you to know is, right, if you make the school bus at 7:17, fist bump. Nice job getting ready for school. Right? But here's. Here's what we really Feel like inside I want my child up early. I want them to eat something healthy, right? I want them, I want them to do it the right way and be ready and not cause me so much anxiety because they're procrastinating. And all I'm going to tell you is give them that space. You may have to go hide in the basement. Fix yourself a margarita or two early in the morning. Kidding. But. And just control yourself, right? Because your child's procrastination is going to irritate you and you're going to be embarrassed in front of all the good moms whose kids look perfect in the morning while yours is wearing the same hoodie sweatshirt for 17 days in a row with little snot stains on the sleeve, right? And you're going to be sad because his stomach is going to be upset in school because he didn't eat. And that's all normal. But your strong willed child doesn't want to do things because his mommy or daddy want him to. He's got to wrestle with it, fight. He's got to try different ways. He's got to fall and experience some hard lessons. But that day, and it may be three months from now when he comes downstairs early and fixes something healthy to eat because it affects his body in third period, every day is the day he will have owned his, his morning routine and now he will own it forever. And it is one of the most beautiful things of giving your kids ownership is this. When they finally own it, they own it forever because they came to it. Many of you who are in religious homes who want your kids to go grow up and follow your faith, I promise you they are going to challenge your faith and it's going to freak you out. Don't get freaked out, don't get defensive. Don't start saying, oh well, you're just not doing this right. Be curious about why they're resisting because they're probably asking some good questions and here is at the end of it, what you want. They will eventually come to their own faith. Why? Not because mommy and daddy made me do it or people expected, but because I wrestled with it myself and because now I believe certain things because I've wrestled with it and I've come to it and then they will own it forever. So let me give you another example here and there. Look, this is why I really want you. I don't know the right way to say that. Please go through at least the calm parenting package. If you get everything, get everything. It's got everything. It's awesome. But the Calm parenting package has a program called enjoy your strong willed child, how to stop the power struggles. And in there is the first thing I would listen to. If you get this package, it is on sale on our website, Celebrate Kalmta celebratecom.com or ask Casey for help with it. I want you to listen at first because it's going to explain to you why these kids do what they do so you can stop having power struggles over everything and you can really understand them, right? And you can even go to them. One of my favorite things, and you'll hear this in the program is going say, hey, does it ever feel like I've misjudged your motives? And man, that'll be a big breakthrough because these kids feel very misunderstood all the time, right? You can go and apologize, say, listen, I need to apologize. Does it ever feel like I lecture all the time. Does it ever feel like nothing you do can ever please me? And I promise, even if they won't, like, just have a long talk with you inside that will resonate with them and that'll mean a lot to them and it'll start to change them inside. Break down some of those walls, right? Because more you understand them, the more they will do things and the more they will, the less resistant they will be and the more they will be happy to jump in. So let me give this example. This is a really good mom. And she's like, I'm trying to get schoolwork done with my, with my other kids and this one strong willed daughter, man, she's being loud. So I tell her she can play in either kid's bedroom until we're done, but she must go to a bedroom. So my strong willed daughter grabs a notebook and a pencil and plops down on the couch. And I say, that's not at all what I said to do. And her daughter says, well, I'm being quiet. So here's my question for you. Was this strong willed daughter, her strong willed daughter being disobedient? You can make the. Of course she was. You know, mom said, I need a quiet. So you can go to one of the bedrooms, go and be quiet. And so you can make that case. Obviously, yeah, she's being disobedient. But if that's the way you're going to view it all the time, look, your strong willed child is going to literally be in trouble from the time they come out of their womb till the time they leave your home because they're never going to do things your way. And so, look, I know this sounds like, well, you're just being too easy. I'm not being too easy. I'm using some wisdom here and also not just being so rigid. The mom's overall goal was this. I need it to be quiet so I can get the schoolwork done with my other two kids. Now she said specifically go to either any of the other bedrooms until we're done. Now look, as an older guy, as a guy who does this for a living, I would say that wasn't a good ask of mom. She's setting herself up for failure. What kid is going to go off and be away from everybody else, right? And just go to some bedroom and sit until everybody just done with schoolwork. I could have made some money and bet $5,000 that the daughter was going to do something like this, right? So that's not what she told her daughter to do. But what did her daughter say? Well, I'm being quiet. So what her daughter's saying is, mom, I heard you. What you really wanted was for me to be quiet so you can focus on the other two kids. I didn't want to go to the bedroom. So instead I grabbed a notebook and a pencil and I sat down on the couch. The opposite response that mom could have. And I know this is hard, right? That's why you're listening to this podcast. And so that's not at all what I said to do, right? Because you know this is going to provoke a 15 minute argument. The mom could have said, you know what, that's good problem solving and that's a really creative solution. I'm glad you're such a good thinker. Right? Like that's so you can make the, well, the kids strong Will kids need to listen, do exactly what you tell them to do. I wish it were the case that that's what they did, but they don't. And I don't actually think that they always should because I want them to be thinkers. And if I just adjust myself a little bit and say, hey, honey, got to do homework, schoolwork with your two sisters or your two siblings. Bet you can't come up with a creative way to help us get this done quicker while you stay occupied while you stay quiet. Right? And now I give her some ownership over how to do it. So I would rather end that scene with, you know what, that was a better plan than mine of actually asking you to go sequester yourself in a room away from everybody else. To me, that's kind of an unreasonable expectation of a strong willed kid. They're not going to do it. So this, though, now, this opens up new possibilities for me to say, hey, child, here's my goal, right? Morning, school bus, carpool, 7:17am how you want to get that done? Don't care. Want to do it some creative, weird way? Don't care. Want to come downstairs backwards wearing your shoes on the wrong feet? Don't care. Want to leave your shoes in the car the night before? I don't care. You want to put your shoes on while you're on the school bus? Doesn't matter to me. I don't care how you get it done. When I finally got ahold of this idea of giving Casey ownership of his choices, not control of our home, but ownership of his choices, it drastically reduced all of the power struggles. And what I realized, most of it emanated from me. I wanted things done a certain way. I thought authority figures in the dad in the home was just allowed to tell his kids whatever he wanted them to do. And I realized, quite honestly, a lot of it was for my own convenience. And a lot of it, I was just tired and I just wanted to bark in order and have someone just do what I told them to do, because that's how I was raised. But that's not good for relationships. And what I started giving kids, this is another thing you'll learn about strong will kids. They like context. That's why. Look, when you ask your kids to do something or tell them to do something, their first question is often, what? Why? They're not always being rebellious or defiant. They're looking for context. Hey, I heard you want me to do something. Let me know the bigger picture and I'll come up with a way to do it. Now, your natural response is like, I'm not interested in your creativity. I just want you to do what I told you to do. Now, are there times when, when you just have to tell your kids, hey, put on your shoes. We need to leave right now? Absolutely. And we do that. And sometimes, look, here's what I want you to know. When you give your kids some ownership, so they start doing things in a different way, and you start to affirm and say, you know what? Not the way I would have done it, but I like your creativity. I like the fact that you think outside of the box, it's going to serve you well in life. And you start affirming way more than you're correcting. There are much more, more likely to just follow your lead and do what you ask, right? In those moments where you say, hey, this isn't one of those context times. This isn't one of those big picture. This is one of those times where I just need to do what I asked you to do, right? And I say it like that. And they do it because I'm not doing that 100 times a day, every time. So this week I really want you to dig in and work on the idea of ownership. Think about how, pick a couple situations during the day that are usually power struggle, resultant power struggles and think, look, how could I give my child some ownership so that he or she does this in a different way that I may not even like? And as you embrace that and do that, you'll find that these kids will do a lot of stuff. They're just not always going to do it your way. They're more likely to do it when you give them ownership and it's what you want for the future so that when they're in their 20s and 30s and 40s, they know how to make decisions and accomplish stuff and they will own it. It's a good, good thing. So let's work on that this week. If you have our programs listen again, go on the app right now. It's right on the app. It's right on your phone, iPad, anywhere you have it, you can share. Your spouse gets to listen to it. Your parents will give access to all of you to listen to it. Right? Listen to the Strong Willed Child program. If you don't have it, you have to have that because we explained the child to these kids to you, right? Look, it's less than the cost of a trip to a therapist who's just going to tell you to be firm and have consequences and be clear about things and tell you things about your child that you already know, which he has trouble with. Focus and attention. Yeah, we know those things. What we tell you is what to do about it and how you can actually enjoy these kids and get them to listen, actually do stuff. Anyway, talk too long. Thanks for listening. Thanks for sharing this podcast. We'll talk to you later. Love you all. Bye.